I turn to rescue remedy when I feel my anxiety is really high. I did watch an interesting video the other day though of a psychologist suggesting that you set a time of the day to worry/stress over things so that when you start to feel anxious you say to yourself "nope, I'm scheduled to stress about this at 4.30pm, I'm not going to worry about this now" not sure if it actually works though but might be worth a try?
**The Mental Health Thread**
- Thread starter Gabbatek
- Start date
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- mental health
Soldato
My last CBT counsellor was through uni. I had a lot of issues with time management and anxiety around uni work. She recommended that, called it "worry time". I never did it but the idea of "Nope, not right now" works well. I tend to do that if I'm just busy doing other things, it's why I like to keep busy at work.
I did this a lot but of course you know it doesn't work that way. It took a lot of practise to learn "nope.." and flick the switch off.
For what its worth, I'm 40 now, suffered terrible anxiety for my entire 20s into my 30s. Now it barely ever comes over me. You can tell if to f off eventually.
I can imagine it does take some time to start the habit. I feel my anxiety is much better than years ago as I've learned my own ways of handling things or recognising when I know something is going to seriously stress me out. It doesn't always stop it but it certainly helps.
(It usually involves me just having a word to myself to stop being silly and repeating that it's all gonna be fine
)
I'm also slowly learning not to take on other people's worries etc
(It usually involves me just having a word to myself to stop being silly and repeating that it's all gonna be fine
)I'm also slowly learning not to take on other people's worries etc
Yes, you need more communication and the environment, most likely and constantly do something. do something with your hands (it helps me). often advised to knit, embroider, helps me to cook and fall asleep to the movies (listening and distracted)Hi, anyone have any good non medical advice for anxiety? I.e what works for you without medication?
These past few months I’ve experienced high levels of anxiety, mainly health related anxiety (despite tests and knowing I’m very healthy I still manage to convince myself something is wrong over the slightest health issue)
do you guys find exercise or anything else I. Particular is good for distraction and the help of calming anxiousness? Mine is always worse at night, I’m fine throughout the day at work when I am busy....
tia
Soldato
I'm starting to feel spread too thin. Everyone is worried and just getting by and surviving. I keep swinging from working too hard, to burned out and detached. Concerned about lots of friends who are having a hard time, but also just struggling to carry on myself. So tired.
I sympathise. I have an aggressively stressful job requiring unpaid weekend overtime and often weekday 9pm finishes, which leaves little room for anything else and I just don’t see a way out this side of Christmas. I actually have ~3 weeks holiday to take this year and I’ve come to the bleak realisation that it’s actually less stressful to just not take the holiday. From an outsider’s perspective, that is probably absurd. But it’s the reality.
Yet, at times I can take a perverse satisfaction from it, like the thrill of surviving an exam.
Looking forward to more stressful work based dreams tonight \o/
Moping aside, there are ways to get out of your mental cycle which requires jolting your brain out of your current thought patterns. Use a day off to do something out of routine - arrange a walk with friends, or even just call around for a chat. Lose yourself in trivial conversation, or whatever else, and temporarily forget ‘the boulder’. When that happens and you forget your worries, it can be very refreshing.
Other easy wins are doing things that you would do if you accepted responsibility for yourself; eat, exercise and sleep well. Obviously at this time, I’m failing at the latter... but even a little bit of discipline can make you feel like you’re attacking life rather than being held to ransom by it.
Soldato
You speak a lot of sense, it's appreciated
Tomorrow's a new day
This is totally relatable. I have a stack of holiday to use but it's stressful planning it and getting stuff ready. I've had a big app release to work on since about May. We released in October and it still took me 2 weeks before I managed a week off. Control freak much?
This is spot on what I need to do. Completely stuck in negative, unhelpful thought processes. Fixated on all the bad stuff!
Yes, I miss that feeling. I get it for about a week, maybe every 4th or 5th week. Other than that I'm either staying afloat, or moping and helpless.
Tomorrow's a new day
that sounds like good advice, even a fidget spinner might help, i also fall asleep and listen to stuff and it works out good as i have a dodgy heart now, i like falling asleep listening to star trek or spooky stuff or anime
Soldato
Still the same here ,no friends (apart from my ex) by choice but spend a lot of time chatting with others at work ,afew decades ago I would have been the silent one .
Get too much enjoyment from my wine but given up necking the vodka when my bottle is finished (2 a week)
Feelings of been a stranger in a strange land as always ,alien among humans , disassociation.
Did see a gp about my feelings afew years back but just got the standard questionere to fill in and I scored too highly ,don't think I was entirely honest ,stupid I know ,recommended a local scheme ,but never went. ( Mindfulness ect)
Anyway heading to my beach cave with a flask of tea today watch the gulls and seals and maybe a surf maybe I'm just a big spoilt brat
Get too much enjoyment from my wine but given up necking the vodka when my bottle is finished (2 a week)
Feelings of been a stranger in a strange land as always ,alien among humans , disassociation.
Did see a gp about my feelings afew years back but just got the standard questionere to fill in and I scored too highly ,don't think I was entirely honest ,stupid I know ,recommended a local scheme ,but never went. ( Mindfulness ect)
Anyway heading to my beach cave with a flask of tea today watch the gulls and seals and maybe a surf maybe I'm just a big spoilt brat
Soldato
I really don't know where to start, I just have way to much going on in my head and i've grown use to just trodding along.
I've isolated myself from my friends a lot the last two years, It doesn't help that I am very capable of entertaining myself without the need for others to make me feel happy or I guess occupied. I am generally a very social person, people can't really tell I am feeling the way I do as its just not outwardly obvious in any way.
I've just been trucking along for so long I suppose not directly dealing with the things that swirl around in my head that now I feel I just don't know where to begin. I am totally aware that this is holding me back from progressing in life, but then feel any time I try to make a step in the right direction that the mountain I need to overcome feels....insurmountable.
I only just hit 30 and I genuinely just feel I've done nothing with my life. I have been paying my way in life since I was 17 in every way. I've just found it really hard to grow due to the financial stresses and familial pressures(I only have my mom in this country who is getting older now and I worry immeasurably about her).
Even now when trying to talk about it or lay it out in anyway. I just don't know how to get into it
and recently its started to really get to me. Its been making me randomly quite emotional at the first thought of it all recently at which point I then just get myself under control and then carry on. I don't really remember the last time I was genuinely happy now that I think about it.
I don't really like to burden people with my problems, I learned from a young age people really don't like to hear these things. As i've isolated myself a lot these days I don't really have anyone I feel comfortable talking too.
I've isolated myself from my friends a lot the last two years, It doesn't help that I am very capable of entertaining myself without the need for others to make me feel happy or I guess occupied. I am generally a very social person, people can't really tell I am feeling the way I do as its just not outwardly obvious in any way.
I've just been trucking along for so long I suppose not directly dealing with the things that swirl around in my head that now I feel I just don't know where to begin. I am totally aware that this is holding me back from progressing in life, but then feel any time I try to make a step in the right direction that the mountain I need to overcome feels....insurmountable.
I only just hit 30 and I genuinely just feel I've done nothing with my life. I have been paying my way in life since I was 17 in every way. I've just found it really hard to grow due to the financial stresses and familial pressures(I only have my mom in this country who is getting older now and I worry immeasurably about her).
Even now when trying to talk about it or lay it out in anyway. I just don't know how to get into it
and recently its started to really get to me. Its been making me randomly quite emotional at the first thought of it all recently at which point I then just get myself under control and then carry on. I don't really remember the last time I was genuinely happy now that I think about it.I don't really like to burden people with my problems, I learned from a young age people really don't like to hear these things. As i've isolated myself a lot these days I don't really have anyone I feel comfortable talking too.
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yes, and I really notice when you are constantly busy with something, there are less anxiety in the emotional state!
that sounds like good advice, even a fidget spinner might help, i also fall asleep and listen to stuff and it works out good as i have a dodgy heart now, i like falling asleep listening to star trek or spooky stuff or anime
Talking and sharing your feelings with others (even on here) can be a relief, so please do so.I really don't know where to start, I just have way to much going on in my head and i've grown use to just trodding along.
I've isolated myself from my friends a lot the last two years, It doesn't help that I am very capable of entertaining myself without the need for others to make me feel happy or I guess occupied. I am generally a very social person, people can't really tell I am feeling the way I do as its just not outwardly obvious in any way.
I've just been trucking along for so long I suppose not directly dealing with the things that swirl around in my head that now I feel I just don't know where to begin. I am totally aware that this is holding me back from progressing in life, but then feel any time I try to make a step in the right direction that the mountain I need to overcome feels....insurmountable.
I only just hit 30 and I genuinely just feel I've done nothing with my life. I have been paying my way in life since I was 17 in every way. I've just found it really hard to grow due to the financial stresses and familial pressures(I only have my mom in this country who is getting older now and I worry immeasurably about her).
Even now when trying to talk about it or lay it out in anyway. I just don't know how to get into it
I don't really like to burden people with my problems, I learned from a young age people really don't like to hear these things. As i've isolated myself a lot these days I don't really have anyone I feel comfortable talking too.
What you have written here will be very relatable to many people. I find it relatable!
Turning this around on its head, isn't this a prompt for you to have a go at doing things differently? Whether that's doing different thing day to day or thinking differently (or even interpreting your emotions differently) - probably a balance of that. In that context, it's sort of a good thing!
I've put some further 'food for thought' in the spoiler tags below which is more generic commentary for the potential consideration of any forum member in distress (but I must point out that these are the ramblings of a man on the internet that you should inherently distrust and place no faith upon). Plus I really go up my own arse.
Beyond the initial relief from sharing thoughts and feelings, which are completely normal thoughts and feelings, you will probably need to 'grow' in some manner (but before we get to growth, a few points on 'happiness').
I suggest that happiness is only ever experienced as two types. First type (A), which is experienced when basking in the glory of something that has given (or continues to give) great pleasure (most obviously sexual pleasure, the approval of others, winning etc). Then there's type (B) which arises spontaneously and mildly when you allow yourself to be receptive to enjoyment in less bombastic everyday moments. Type (B) necessarily requires being "in the moment" (and therefore not dwelling on stresses or existential questions... or otherwise perpetually monitoring the reading of your 'happiness barometer').
Happiness type (A) is over-relied upon. It's fickle, seductive and very 'animalistic' (more on that later....). It also requires "MORE!" to be sustained. Type (B) is almost entirely ignored and is a plentiful resource. So, really, our collective best-bet for sustained happiness is to mine more of type (B).
There is however a frankly hilarious paradox (as was inferred above). That paradox being: it is difficult to find satisfaction and happiness if you set out on a perpetual quest to find it. This is not helped by the inherent human way of saying "hmm I'm not happy.... I need to find more of type (A), please!" and embarking on an inevitably doomed quest to 'fill the void'.
Yet, we cannot ignore type (A). Without any of type (A), life can feel dry and without any real excitement.
So a balance must be struck. I suggest that half of the equation of a satisfactory life is that we should enjoy the 'fruits' and excitement of finding them (i.e. type (A)) but also exercise the virtue of temperance. The other half of the equation is we need to be mindful of ourselves and process our thoughts and feelings in a manner that allows us to capitalise on type (B).
With that in mind, back to 'growth'. This is the process of making your life and yourself 'better'.
Growth is slow. Sometimes it's agonisingly slow. Be patient. You will eventually grow.
There are many types of growth. All of them are hard.
A type of growth that cannot be dismissed is bettering yourself in a manner that can immediately be recognised - typically personal fitness or the exercise of some desired 'skill'. Focussing on bettering yourself in this manner (or similar) will inevitably help for three reasons: (a) it gives you a perpetual purpose, (b) it's achievable by yourself, and (c) it's actually achievable. Yay!
A less obvious type of growth is having an awareness of yourself and how you internally process your 'needs'. I have so much to say on this but I'll just touch on it below.
I really am about to disappear up my own arse with my own musings. You have all been warned!!
I do not profess to know much, but I think that a lot of suffering comes from how we dismiss human needs. I take some comfort in the idea that us humans (I assume you're a human too) are comprised of a part that I call the 'god' and a part that I call the 'animal'.
The god is the part of you that consciously 'thinks' and makes decisions. It is receptive to emotions. It is the part that requires complex stimulation to be satiated.
The animal is the part of you that wants. It's the part of you pines for pleasure. It's therefore the part that principally generates some of the most intense emotions experienced by the decision making part (i.e. the god). The animal thrives in fantasy, where it can have everything and where everything it gets is perfect.
I think that many of us demonise the animal and incorrectly refer to it as 'the bad voice' that tells you to do things that you feel that you must restrain yourself from doing. Imagine a god walking an animal on a tight leash, with the animal trying to sniff everything in sight and generally being boisterous. How frustrating for the animal and how exhausting and bothersome for the god!
The god must remember that the animal is insanely fickle. Ludicrously so! The grass is always greener for the animal, who wants everything at all times and whose thirst for type (A) happiness cannot easily be satiated (certainly not in any sort of balanced life that is sustainable in the long term).
But the god must also remember that for so long as he holds tightly to that leash, the animal is going to deeply bother him.
The solution to the god's problem is that there needs to be training and discipline. To engage with this, the god must first recognise the animal's shortcomings (i.e. it's fickle and only interested in Type A happiness). The god must also recognise that the animal is not malicious and should not be despised for being what it is. The god should also recognise just how fun the animal is!! Look at him go!!!
Really, that's all the training that's required. Hey, I never said it was the animal that needed training!
Once the god recognises the animal for what it is, the animal can be let off its leash. The god is now unburdened.
The animal, now more satiated (and 100x more respected) becomes less inclined to rampage around "wanting" and in turn finds a new respect for its companion.
In this new reality, they can both finally love each other and exist without conflict... although, the animal may require sprinting after every now and again when it spots a good excuse for mischief!
I suggest that happiness is only ever experienced as two types. First type (A), which is experienced when basking in the glory of something that has given (or continues to give) great pleasure (most obviously sexual pleasure, the approval of others, winning etc). Then there's type (B) which arises spontaneously and mildly when you allow yourself to be receptive to enjoyment in less bombastic everyday moments. Type (B) necessarily requires being "in the moment" (and therefore not dwelling on stresses or existential questions... or otherwise perpetually monitoring the reading of your 'happiness barometer').
Happiness type (A) is over-relied upon. It's fickle, seductive and very 'animalistic' (more on that later....). It also requires "MORE!" to be sustained. Type (B) is almost entirely ignored and is a plentiful resource. So, really, our collective best-bet for sustained happiness is to mine more of type (B).
There is however a frankly hilarious paradox (as was inferred above). That paradox being: it is difficult to find satisfaction and happiness if you set out on a perpetual quest to find it. This is not helped by the inherent human way of saying "hmm I'm not happy.... I need to find more of type (A), please!" and embarking on an inevitably doomed quest to 'fill the void'.
Yet, we cannot ignore type (A). Without any of type (A), life can feel dry and without any real excitement.
So a balance must be struck. I suggest that half of the equation of a satisfactory life is that we should enjoy the 'fruits' and excitement of finding them (i.e. type (A)) but also exercise the virtue of temperance. The other half of the equation is we need to be mindful of ourselves and process our thoughts and feelings in a manner that allows us to capitalise on type (B).
With that in mind, back to 'growth'. This is the process of making your life and yourself 'better'.
Growth is slow. Sometimes it's agonisingly slow. Be patient. You will eventually grow.
There are many types of growth. All of them are hard.
A type of growth that cannot be dismissed is bettering yourself in a manner that can immediately be recognised - typically personal fitness or the exercise of some desired 'skill'. Focussing on bettering yourself in this manner (or similar) will inevitably help for three reasons: (a) it gives you a perpetual purpose, (b) it's achievable by yourself, and (c) it's actually achievable. Yay!
A less obvious type of growth is having an awareness of yourself and how you internally process your 'needs'. I have so much to say on this but I'll just touch on it below.
I really am about to disappear up my own arse with my own musings. You have all been warned!!
I do not profess to know much, but I think that a lot of suffering comes from how we dismiss human needs. I take some comfort in the idea that us humans (I assume you're a human too) are comprised of a part that I call the 'god' and a part that I call the 'animal'.
The god is the part of you that consciously 'thinks' and makes decisions. It is receptive to emotions. It is the part that requires complex stimulation to be satiated.
The animal is the part of you that wants. It's the part of you pines for pleasure. It's therefore the part that principally generates some of the most intense emotions experienced by the decision making part (i.e. the god). The animal thrives in fantasy, where it can have everything and where everything it gets is perfect.
I think that many of us demonise the animal and incorrectly refer to it as 'the bad voice' that tells you to do things that you feel that you must restrain yourself from doing. Imagine a god walking an animal on a tight leash, with the animal trying to sniff everything in sight and generally being boisterous. How frustrating for the animal and how exhausting and bothersome for the god!
The god must remember that the animal is insanely fickle. Ludicrously so! The grass is always greener for the animal, who wants everything at all times and whose thirst for type (A) happiness cannot easily be satiated (certainly not in any sort of balanced life that is sustainable in the long term).
But the god must also remember that for so long as he holds tightly to that leash, the animal is going to deeply bother him.
The solution to the god's problem is that there needs to be training and discipline. To engage with this, the god must first recognise the animal's shortcomings (i.e. it's fickle and only interested in Type A happiness). The god must also recognise that the animal is not malicious and should not be despised for being what it is. The god should also recognise just how fun the animal is!! Look at him go!!!
Really, that's all the training that's required. Hey, I never said it was the animal that needed training!
Once the god recognises the animal for what it is, the animal can be let off its leash. The god is now unburdened.
The animal, now more satiated (and 100x more respected) becomes less inclined to rampage around "wanting" and in turn finds a new respect for its companion.
In this new reality, they can both finally love each other and exist without conflict... although, the animal may require sprinting after every now and again when it spots a good excuse for mischief!
TLDR: Be a strolling, peaceful god with an animal walking alongside (off the leash)
Soldato
A good read as always Nitefly.
If anyone reading this thread hasn't posted here and is struggling with anything please speak to someone, post in here, talk a friend, anyone, don't bottle things up.
Don't be like me. Don't pretend you are OK, it is exhausting, it is OK to say you are not OK.
So me, over many years I've put all these thoughts and emotions I had into little boxes and then put them away in a cupboard in my head where I decided they were processed and complete, that was my way of dealing with things.
This may sound utterly ridiculous but if it wasn't for the recent McDonalds advert I would have carried on like this for years.
I saw that ad in a room full of people and it took everything I had not to cry in front of them, that sad little boy was me. It triggered all my thoughts, all those feelings and emotions that I had boxed away over very many years, I was that sad little boy desperately trying to let the happy little boy out.
So over the past few weeks since seeing that advert, I have run out of boxes and cupboard space, my head was full, constantly moving these boxes in and out, opening them, closing them, all these feelings that I have buried away have come flooding back.
I have always been incredibly calculating in how I deal with people when there was any risk of an emotion creeping in, I would manipulate people so they never got into that space I was deeply uncomfortable with. I have been so bad at times I would engineer arguments with friends and family rather than ever have to go near having to discuss how I feel, but I am also a walking contradiction, I would do anything I could at times to avoid confrontation.
I would always go out of my way to help people if they needed anything, putting a light-up, cutting the grass, running errands exactly the sort of things you do as a friend but I could also be incredibly vindictive to those very same people, proper nasty, I would snap at people, I was outright rude to them at times, I knew I was doing it but I would carry it on and even though this thing in my head said stop, I couldn't stop.
I had become incredibly angry inside, the tiniest things would frustrate me beyond belief.
As for work, I could sit there and spend hours doing something and then just delete it because I decided it wasn't good enough, I was stupid, rinse and repeat.
Yesterday I sat at home, at my desk, I just started just sob uncontrollably. I sat there and knew I had to do something but me being me, calculated that my something was to phone the Samaritans because I could mark it off as done and move on. I did call them but then just started to cry again as soon as I had put the phone down.
So after a long time calculating what I would do next I decided I would phone the doctor, while I was on the phone, I did the calculating thing again, if I'm on hold for more than 1 minute I will end the call, 1 minute went by and I decided I would the call it if I was on hold for a minute more, thankfully the receptionist answered. I was transferred to the doctor and it all just poured out, within an hour they arranged for me to speak to a counsellor and I spent all afternoon yesterday just pouring it all out, nothing I said was new to me, there was no revelation but I decided if I don't do it now I never will. I'm exhausted now but feel a huge sense of relief that I have taken steps to deal with the things I have buried away.
Don't be like me. Don't pretend you are OK, it is exhausting, it is OK to say you are not OK.
So me, over many years I've put all these thoughts and emotions I had into little boxes and then put them away in a cupboard in my head where I decided they were processed and complete, that was my way of dealing with things.
This may sound utterly ridiculous but if it wasn't for the recent McDonalds advert I would have carried on like this for years.
I saw that ad in a room full of people and it took everything I had not to cry in front of them, that sad little boy was me. It triggered all my thoughts, all those feelings and emotions that I had boxed away over very many years, I was that sad little boy desperately trying to let the happy little boy out.
So over the past few weeks since seeing that advert, I have run out of boxes and cupboard space, my head was full, constantly moving these boxes in and out, opening them, closing them, all these feelings that I have buried away have come flooding back.
I have always been incredibly calculating in how I deal with people when there was any risk of an emotion creeping in, I would manipulate people so they never got into that space I was deeply uncomfortable with. I have been so bad at times I would engineer arguments with friends and family rather than ever have to go near having to discuss how I feel, but I am also a walking contradiction, I would do anything I could at times to avoid confrontation.
I would always go out of my way to help people if they needed anything, putting a light-up, cutting the grass, running errands exactly the sort of things you do as a friend but I could also be incredibly vindictive to those very same people, proper nasty, I would snap at people, I was outright rude to them at times, I knew I was doing it but I would carry it on and even though this thing in my head said stop, I couldn't stop.
I had become incredibly angry inside, the tiniest things would frustrate me beyond belief.
As for work, I could sit there and spend hours doing something and then just delete it because I decided it wasn't good enough, I was stupid, rinse and repeat.
Yesterday I sat at home, at my desk, I just started just sob uncontrollably. I sat there and knew I had to do something but me being me, calculated that my something was to phone the Samaritans because I could mark it off as done and move on. I did call them but then just started to cry again as soon as I had put the phone down.
So after a long time calculating what I would do next I decided I would phone the doctor, while I was on the phone, I did the calculating thing again, if I'm on hold for more than 1 minute I will end the call, 1 minute went by and I decided I would the call it if I was on hold for a minute more, thankfully the receptionist answered. I was transferred to the doctor and it all just poured out, within an hour they arranged for me to speak to a counsellor and I spent all afternoon yesterday just pouring it all out, nothing I said was new to me, there was no revelation but I decided if I don't do it now I never will. I'm exhausted now but feel a huge sense of relief that I have taken steps to deal with the things I have buried away.
Caporegime
I've been on the waiting list with Mind Matters for the best part of 6 months and still 20+ people ahead of me, I would imagine they're getting hammered right now but it goes to show the system isn't capable of handling the mental health problems in this country.
I completely understand you and you have done something amazing just by typing it out.I really don't know where to start, I just have way to much going on in my head and i've grown use to just trodding along.
I've isolated myself from my friends a lot the last two years, It doesn't help that I am very capable of entertaining myself without the need for others to make me feel happy or I guess occupied. I am generally a very social person, people can't really tell I am feeling the way I do as its just not outwardly obvious in any way.
I've just been trucking along for so long I suppose not directly dealing with the things that swirl around in my head that now I feel I just don't know where to begin. I am totally aware that this is holding me back from progressing in life, but then feel any time I try to make a step in the right direction that the mountain I need to overcome feels....insurmountable.
I only just hit 30 and I genuinely just feel I've done nothing with my life. I have been paying my way in life since I was 17 in every way. I've just found it really hard to grow due to the financial stresses and familial pressures(I only have my mom in this country who is getting older now and I worry immeasurably about her).
Even now when trying to talk about it or lay it out in anyway. I just don't know how to get into it
I don't really like to burden people with my problems, I learned from a young age people really don't like to hear these things. As i've isolated myself a lot these days I don't really have anyone I feel comfortable talking too.
I recognise so much of what you have said, I am older than you, I managed to keep up the pretence for over 30 years and then came crashing down. You have taken a positive step.
Soldato
Started anti-depressants over the summer but still steadily got worse culminating in increasingly common feelings of paranoia and the like. Finally snapped and couldn't take it anymore at work and went home sick.
Currently at a loss and trying to work out what's wrong with me. So many things is the answer :/
Currently at a loss and trying to work out what's wrong with me. So many things is the answer :/
Sorry to hear man. If you ever fancy a chat or just a team game of borderlands 2 or something I'd be glad lto oblige.
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I'm in a hell of a dark place right now, and I am struggling to keep things together for the sake of my Fiancée and our Daughter together.
I hate this time of year anyway, for me, it seems all the most traumatic experiences of my life tend to happen in the last 3 months of the year. My Dad passing away 17 years ago being one of the main ones which always puts a downer on Christmas for me. Those of you that know me also know of the perpetual struggle I have with the psychotic ex to stay in my two elder children's lives. Everything from accusing my family members of being paedophiles and then asking if I can get them to babysit a few months later to being accused of beating up my kids, being interviewed under caution twice and then battling through the courts, social services and her to see them again. I left that evil twisted cow over 8 years ago and I've been forced out of my kids' lives for at least 4 of those years, 6 months here, 1 year there. You get the picture.
This year things had been going differently, my eldest daughter had been living here since the pandemic started as it came to light my son had been violent to her, and she was very scared of him. The ex paid no attention to it, so I ended up getting an interim order for her to live with us permanently. My son I was seeing on Sundays separately and despite his issues I believed we were getting really close again. Playing games together, planning his first PC build and I thought having a really great time.
That is until last week, I got a phone call from the ex which I only answered as she's to only call me in case of an emergency. Basically telling me I wasn't allowed to pick our daughter up from school. Apparently my son had gone in to school on the Wednesday and decided to tell his teachers I'd been slapping him when we're alone! The ex with the help of the school then took my daughter despite the court order and I've been unable to see her since. All because of yet another bull **** false accusation. The third god-damned one. That fortunately this time both police and social services haven't deemed it necessary to get involved. What's really hurt me is my son is 12 now has seen the consequences of his and his mums actions twice already, I'd even told him on the Sunday prior how proud I was of his behaviour and how he was doing at school and felt good about things and now he has done this, again.
I know it's his Mum's doing, she's always behind this stuff but it's broken me. I'm absolutely worried sick for my daughter, thinking about what she's told me about my son and what I know the ex will be filling her head with again. I'm barely sleeping, have had a tight chest for the past week and have been on the cusp of an anxiety attack. I hate this! I god-damned hate this. I'm not able to send police for her even though that's in the court order as the solicitor thinks it will traumatize my daughter, and she's right. She also thinks the court will take a dim view of it. You have to love that institutional sexism were mothers can get away with murder but as a Dad I can't put a foot wrong or god help me.
My son has been turned against me, only this time I can't keep fighting for him, I don't have anything left to give. And if I keep having him in my life what is he going to accuse me of next, something worse? His Mum may have told him to do this again, but he's the one who made the choice to go in to school and lie about me again. He can't think much of me if he is willing to do this. I'm clearly not safe from him and I refuse to allow him to put either of my daughters or my partner at risk any longer.
I'd started feeling positive, that's now gone. I was actually looking forward to having a quiet stress-free Christmas this year, that's gone.
I'm not at the lowest I've ever been, I'm not thinking of ending it all like I have done in the past but when I'm not anxious I'm feeling very low and just void.
I don't want to go back on meds but think I may have to this time.
I hate this time of year anyway, for me, it seems all the most traumatic experiences of my life tend to happen in the last 3 months of the year. My Dad passing away 17 years ago being one of the main ones which always puts a downer on Christmas for me. Those of you that know me also know of the perpetual struggle I have with the psychotic ex to stay in my two elder children's lives. Everything from accusing my family members of being paedophiles and then asking if I can get them to babysit a few months later to being accused of beating up my kids, being interviewed under caution twice and then battling through the courts, social services and her to see them again. I left that evil twisted cow over 8 years ago and I've been forced out of my kids' lives for at least 4 of those years, 6 months here, 1 year there. You get the picture.
This year things had been going differently, my eldest daughter had been living here since the pandemic started as it came to light my son had been violent to her, and she was very scared of him. The ex paid no attention to it, so I ended up getting an interim order for her to live with us permanently. My son I was seeing on Sundays separately and despite his issues I believed we were getting really close again. Playing games together, planning his first PC build and I thought having a really great time.
That is until last week, I got a phone call from the ex which I only answered as she's to only call me in case of an emergency. Basically telling me I wasn't allowed to pick our daughter up from school. Apparently my son had gone in to school on the Wednesday and decided to tell his teachers I'd been slapping him when we're alone! The ex with the help of the school then took my daughter despite the court order and I've been unable to see her since. All because of yet another bull **** false accusation. The third god-damned one. That fortunately this time both police and social services haven't deemed it necessary to get involved. What's really hurt me is my son is 12 now has seen the consequences of his and his mums actions twice already, I'd even told him on the Sunday prior how proud I was of his behaviour and how he was doing at school and felt good about things and now he has done this, again.
I know it's his Mum's doing, she's always behind this stuff but it's broken me. I'm absolutely worried sick for my daughter, thinking about what she's told me about my son and what I know the ex will be filling her head with again. I'm barely sleeping, have had a tight chest for the past week and have been on the cusp of an anxiety attack. I hate this! I god-damned hate this. I'm not able to send police for her even though that's in the court order as the solicitor thinks it will traumatize my daughter, and she's right. She also thinks the court will take a dim view of it. You have to love that institutional sexism were mothers can get away with murder but as a Dad I can't put a foot wrong or god help me.
My son has been turned against me, only this time I can't keep fighting for him, I don't have anything left to give. And if I keep having him in my life what is he going to accuse me of next, something worse? His Mum may have told him to do this again, but he's the one who made the choice to go in to school and lie about me again. He can't think much of me if he is willing to do this. I'm clearly not safe from him and I refuse to allow him to put either of my daughters or my partner at risk any longer.
I'd started feeling positive, that's now gone. I was actually looking forward to having a quiet stress-free Christmas this year, that's gone.
I'm not at the lowest I've ever been, I'm not thinking of ending it all like I have done in the past but when I'm not anxious I'm feeling very low and just void.
I don't want to go back on meds but think I may have to this time.