The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

ivrytwr3 said:
Got to ask, why is it your responsibility to care for your ex? Where is her family? The state? etc.

I'm not been cold-hearted and fair play to you for stepping up - but this is impacting 2 peoples lives and preventing you from moving on in life.

I can see it from another womans POV that you are tied to your ex, so you come with a lot of baggage.
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This was my exact thinking :(

To any woman its baggage, if it was your own family member or child then thats 100% valid as its to be expected but an ex?

They may see it as "sweet" but its not something they would be attracted to you for and want to stick around.

Fair play for you looking after your ex but it's one of those situations. Women will not care why you are caring for your ex, they just care that you are. Which is a negative.
 
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I was thinking the same thing. If you were still together in a relationship, I would understand being her carer. But she is your ex? Whilst its commendable what you are doing, it's not your responsibility anymore.

I certainly would not be entering into a relationship with someone that is still a carer for their ex.
 
Most people are not going to be happy in a relationship where one person says their ex will always be more important than the new partner. Most people won't accept being second best to an ex no matter what they say. It's hard enough in understandable circumstances like accepting a new partner's kids come first.
 
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Has anyone been in a situation where they feel like a third wheel with their partner and their friends.

For the last year my wife has gone through friends like hot butter, every time she would go and see her friends it least 2-3 times a week in-between her working nights. So understandably I have hit breaking point. So her newish friend she calls "bestie" met through organising a surprise birthday party back in October for one her previous friends. it started off her coming round every Sunday then every other day, now it's pretty much every day apart from the days she works, my Wife normally goes round hers 2-3 nights a week and now having daily facetime in the morning and evening.

This week she went round hers Sunday and it was her friends wedding anniversary "which I thought was odd", me personally would prefer alone time with my partner for a wedding anniversary. Then her friend came round Monday, so come to Tuesday we planned to have an evening together and lo and behold she's planning to go round and see her. I did tell her how i felt like a third wheel as every time she puts our marriage on the backseat and pretty much said if this continues I'm done with the marriage.

She would sometimes use sexual favours to brush off the fact that no effort was being put into the marriage.

My wife also brought her friends husband a 4 pack of redbull for some fags, i could be looking to much into the detail or over thinking things. but i am putting 2 and 2 together that there's reason she's going round her friends more.
 
dave1983 said:
Has anyone been in a situation where they feel like a third wheel with their partner and their friends.

For the last year my wife has gone through friends like hot butter, every time she would go and see her friends it least 2-3 times a week in-between her working nights. So understandably I have hit breaking point. So her newish friend she calls "bestie" met through organising a surprise birthday party back in October for one her previous friends. it started off her coming round every Sunday then every other day, now it's pretty much every day apart from the days she works, my Wife normally goes round hers 2-3 nights a week and now having daily facetime in the morning and evening.

This week she went round hers Sunday and it was her friends wedding anniversary "which I thought was odd", me personally would prefer alone time with my partner for a wedding anniversary. Then her friend came round Monday, so come to Tuesday we planned to have an evening together and lo and behold she's planning to go round and see her. I did tell her how i felt like a third wheel as every time she puts our marriage on the backseat and pretty much said if this continues I'm done with the marriage.

She would sometimes use sexual favours to brush off the fact that no effort was being put into the marriage.

My wife also brought her friends husband a 4 pack of redbull for some fags, i could be looking to much into the detail or over thinking things. but i am putting 2 and 2 together that there's reason she's going round her friends more.
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That's an excessive amount of time.

Do you get invited along? Is the friend's husband there too?

Brutally it just sounds like she prefers her company, in which case...

dave1983 said:
pretty much said if this continues I'm done with the marriage.
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wingman said:
That's an excessive amount of time.

Do you get invited along? Is the friend's husband there too?

Brutally it just sounds like she prefers her company, in which case...
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Unfortunately as we have 2 kids we both can't go, but i understand that everyone needs time away with friends. But this has happened every time she gets new friends. They then get bored rinse and repeat.

Yes he's there as to whether she texts him not entirely sure. but after our chat she told me she couldn't sleep kept waking up every hour?
 
What I know is there's something going on and it isn't good for your future marriage prospects, without witnessing the situation and interactions myself I wouldn't like to speculate. Clearly she's spending a lot of time with a person or people who aren't you, and she's more interested in doing that then anything with you.
 
That was my first thought when you mentioned it. If she's spending that much time out the house, who does all the house stuff? Kid looking after? Cooking? General day to day stuff?
 
dlcg87 said:
Does this sound like a controlling wife to you? Or is this normal?

My wife mentioned about getting a Christmas tree on Saturday morning briefly, but I wanted to see my brother, she was going to London with her mum for a day out and I didn’t want to be stuck at home doing nothing with my son and thought it would be nicer to get the tree as a family all of us on Sunday.

***snip***

Ive had zero contact from my wife or anyone since I left, well ive been removed from the family WhatsApp.

My mind is in a spin, I feel this is the end, I don’t know what to do.
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Yes, that is absolutely poor and controlling behaviour from your wife.

It seems she doesn't actually care about you, you're just something else to "control" for her.

It might be the end, but ask yourself this - do you actually want to be with a partner who treats you abusively?
 
She sounds absolutely nuts and I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life with someone who needs to be a control freak about missing mealtimes by 30 mins etc, that's how life goes some days. It sounds like she wants a robot who can't answer back tbh.
 
“you’re not coming”, “once you’re a part of this family you can do family things”
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That's like she's talking to a child. I wouldn't be spoken to like that nor would I allow my partner to exclude me from a family actiivty with my son. It's nearly Christmas and you wanna share the excitement with your child! Absolutely would be kicking off and having my thoughts heard about that if it was me.

Given your living situation, I suspect her parents and that arrangement is part of the issue but also I suspect by a couple comments there that this behaviour isn't new.

You're meant to be parenting on the same team, she clearly has an issue with how you look after your son. If they are that petulent as to remove you from a group chat over this then I wouldn't be expecting much from them.

If it is the end, keep all conversation about your son. It's nearly Christmas and he's all that truly matters once a relationship has broken down, don't let her control you further by entertaining that kind of behaviour. Be objective and understanding and keep it civil, it might come good but it sounds like a toxic family.
 
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