The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Tbh there is a huge part of the story missing here. Who packs their bags and goes to their Mums because their wife upset them? :cry:
 
dLockers said:
Tbh there is a huge part of the story missing here. Who packs their bags and goes to their Mums because their wife upset them? :cry:
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Sounds like this has been going on a long time, with the wife and her parents ganging up to grind the OP down over years. He's just reached his breaking point after years of emotional and mental abuse.
 
Yes that is controlling behaviour. Living at her parents may be part of the problem. I did that for a few years against my better judgement and it was awful. But even without that factor, the way her behaviour is described here, this sounds like an abusive relationship.
 
joelk2 said:
well last year was interesting and i posted in here quite a lot and was met with varying responses from both sides of the fence. Me and my wife of 10 years called it a day. it appeared she had checked out a number of years before that and we were living separate lives.

but nevertheless with 2 children and a house to sort out it has been a process.

i have been renting for the past year and a bit (split up in June but i moved out in October 20)

this week we are another step closer and have just put the house up for sale. its kind of gutting as we bought it run down and i myself completely gutted it and put all my blood and sweat into renovating it.

i can honestly say though that despite the heartache at the start and the countless sleepless nights worrying that it was 100% the right move. the children have adapted well & me and the ex are still very amicable which has helped tremendously.

thanks to all that have replied to my posts prior. it was nice having people completely unbiased to talk to throughout it all.
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after my post a month ago, the house sold within 2 days of being listed on the website (tends to happen this way on our street)

hopefully will all go smoothly, there is no chain for either of us (im renting and shes moving to her parents for a few months until the new house is built)
 
ci_newman said:
Yes, that is absolutely poor and controlling behaviour from your wife.

It seems she doesn't actually care about you, you're just something else to "control" for her.

It might be the end, but ask yourself this - do you actually want to be with a partner who treats you abusively?
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Unfortunately tend to agree. Having been through similar with crazy specific demands for dinner at a certain time, bed times bath times you name it. Even a Christmas tree story too that makes me laugh/cringe with the guff I used to put up with.
Unless she is a crackpot - I suspect she is unhappy at something in the relationship which is enhancing this sort of behavior. This is based on my experience - have a heart to heart with her and see what falls out. I thought it was the end of my world when my marriage fell part with 3 kids. But it wasn't - it is the start of a new adventure. I parent the way I want to parent now when the kids are with me. I don't get made to feel inadequate just because I used to want to put kids to bed later some nights. I am an all round happier parent and the kids are flourishing.

Follow the course, stay civil, maintain respect for each other through it all, be honest, TALK, recognize that kids are most important thing so work towards to a solution that is optimal. That may be staying together, but it may be coparenting over 2 households.
 
dlcg87 said:
Does this sound like a controlling wife to you? Or is this normal?

My wife mentioned about getting a Christmas tree on Saturday morning briefly, but I wanted to see my brother, she was going to London with her mum for a day out and I didn’t want to be stuck at home doing nothing with my son and thought it would be nicer to get the tree as a family all of us on Sunday.

So said I was going down about an hour’s drive each way. I got the roll eyes look as I wanted to use (her car, family car but its “hers”) (????) and was reminded in a sarcastic manner to make sure I refuel the car after use, I always do.

So, leave in the morning and get down to my brothers for 11am after amassing all the stuff needed with a young child and had a nice day/catch up.

Get home for 6pm just after re-fuelling the car so I can start with my son’s tea and bath/bed routine so its all sorted before she comes home from her day out in London.

Wife comes home around 8pm, asking “was there any traffic on the way home, why were you late home? Our son NEEDS to eat as this specific time, which was 5:30pm.

And why I didn’t inform her father I was coming home late (living with her parents, another story there) as he didn’t know what he was doing for tea for just us two, I was obviously wrong thinking were adults and can sort our own meals out, especially when we wouldn’t be eating altogether as a family like normal for that evening.

I then get cross examined with more questions like what we ate, where did we go, what did we do, not in a manner of interest of our day out but of a need to know all the details.

I can’t have a day out with my son to see my brother when I can be free and make my own choices and not have these constraints put on me.

My wife then tells me im not being part of the family, basically not doing as im told.

So comes the next morning, I wake up in a good mood just letting that all go as ive done many times before. Asked when/where we should get our Christmas tree with our son.

Was told, “you’re not coming”, “once you’re a part of this family you can do family things”.

So, she left with my son and her parents to get a Christmas tree without me.

I was and still feel incredibly hurt by this, just because I don’t adhere to her or her parents’ conditions I left on the side.

Once they had gone, I threw some clothes in bin liners and went to my parent’s house to then have a mini breakdown/cry.

Ive had zero contact from my wife or anyone since I left, well ive been removed from the family WhatsApp.

My mind is in a spin, I feel this is the end, I don’t know what to do.
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Bolded the main issue for you. You're raising children while living with your wife's parents, whatever the circumstances are I think ultimately it's not good for your relationship. I think you needed to be the man more in this relationship and that's going to be difficult if you're living with her parents and she's bossing you around. Hard to give specific advice without knowing more though.
 
Bit of a long time lurker in this thread.

Just over a week ago I ended my 8 year relationship with my girlfriend. Yes, not the best timing, but something just triggered that it was time to end. We've been going through ups and downs for a long time, and I felt we were slowly drifting apart - but still clinging onto something, desperately hoping for the best.

She's asked me many times, why now? I and have no idea why, just something said, this is it. It took me ages to drive to hers (where she's currently staying with her mum over xmas) to tell her.

We still want to be friends, and are going to spend a bit of xmas together at my family. yes it'll be hard but I still care about her and always will. I'm 34, not super young, but 8 years is a significant part of my life.

I still feel **** everyday, causing her so much pain especially at this time of year. But I couldn't face pretending over the xmas period only to do the inevitable afterwards.

If anyone has any advice on staying friends with partners who you ended amicably with, it'll be much appreciated :)

Merry xmas :)
 
Shadowness said:
Bit of a long time lurker in this thread.

Just over a week ago I ended my 8 year relationship with my girlfriend. Yes, not the best timing, but something just triggered that it was time to end. We've been going through ups and downs for a long time, and I felt we were slowly drifting apart - but still clinging onto something, desperately hoping for the best.

She's asked me many times, why now? I and have no idea why, just something said, this is it. It took me ages to drive to hers (where she's currently staying with her mum over xmas) to tell her.

We still want to be friends, and are going to spend a bit of xmas together at my family. yes it'll be hard but I still care about her and always will. I'm 34, not super young, but 8 years is a significant part of my life.

I still feel **** everyday, causing her so much pain especially at this time of year. But I couldn't face pretending over the xmas period only to do the inevitable afterwards.

If anyone has any advice on staying friends with partners who you ended amicably with, it'll be much appreciated :)

Merry xmas :)
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**** me that post has spooked me. I'm 34, 8 year relationship, and wondering if we are clinging on and hoping too.

Ultimately I do think we have something to look forward to, but it's a challenging time right now in life and I'm desperate to move forward. So there's a big unknown as to whether she will be able to come along and keep up as I massively change my life, or will I need to move on in order to serve my own happiness. Like you say we've had ups and downs but grown apart. Just that I really really feel the need to keep on changing myself and my life and it's hard to do that with another person who isn't changing at the same rate/in the same way.

No idea if I've got any useful advice as I'm also worrying how you take the biggest person in your life for 8 years, and move on without throwing the entire person/relationship away. I still care about her, I have just absolutely run my course in the current path in life.
 
Shadowness said:
Bit of a long time lurker in this thread.

Just over a week ago I ended my 8 year relationship with my girlfriend. Yes, not the best timing, but something just triggered that it was time to end. We've been going through ups and downs for a long time, and I felt we were slowly drifting apart - but still clinging onto something, desperately hoping for the best.

She's asked me many times, why now? I and have no idea why, just something said, this is it. It took me ages to drive to hers (where she's currently staying with her mum over xmas) to tell her.

We still want to be friends, and are going to spend a bit of xmas together at my family. yes it'll be hard but I still care about her and always will. I'm 34, not super young, but 8 years is a significant part of my life.

I still feel **** everyday, causing her so much pain especially at this time of year. But I couldn't face pretending over the xmas period only to do the inevitable afterwards.

If anyone has any advice on staying friends with partners who you ended amicably with, it'll be much appreciated :)

Merry xmas :)
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I'm still friends with my ex, she came over and we got food and watched the new Dexter last week, there's nothing romantically between us even though we still care about each other. I don't think you can do that if there's still romantic feelings from one side or someone is hurt/upset/wants the other person back though.
 
@LuckyBenski wow sorry to have posted that!

The only advice I can give is ask yourself 'can I see myself with her for the rest of my life?' As I assume after 8 years that's where you're thinking this might go.

If you even hesitate, or of course say no, then don't drag it out. Saying what might need to be done will utterly kill you. I does to me still.

My ex (yes it's weird to say that, and as silly as it sounds, after 8 years I often forget when talking to friends etc still) still wants to be in my life, and I still want to be in hers. But establishing boundaries is tough. I'm training for an Ironman in Germany next year, and she wants to be there for me (as she has been with me in previous events and has put up with my training).

It's hard to say no, as I don't want to hurt her more, but I'm very conscious that we need some sort of 'freedom' after our breakup. I've never been in this position before, so I'm really making it up as I go. It's not easy, especially at this time of year.
 
Roar87 said:
I'm still friends with my ex, she came over and we got food and watched the new Dexter last week, there's nothing romantically between us even though we still care about each other. I don't think you can do that if there's still romantic feelings from one side or someone is hurt/upset/wants the other person back though.
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Thanks for the post.

She really wanted go and see Matrix 4 together, but reading all the reviews, it seems to be a bit of a miss!

She was over the other day, and said to me later that it was hard to not reach out like she normally would, and try to behave as friends instead of partners. Hopefully that will get easier in time.
 
I think once new partners come along, it's will then become extremely difficult. Imagine trying to explain to a new partner that you're going out to socialise with your ex.. Its a bit weird.

I think you've made the right move if you see yourself changing / growing and can't see them still there at the end.
 
Also bear in mind that to find someone that will want to be with you while you constantly change, push, reinvent yourself etc will require immense sacrifice for them, which I imagine is why you want to end things.

Finding a partner willing to make that sacrifice long term is difficult (no matter what they'll tell you) so be prepared to do this all again with the next partner.
 
Yeah me hanging out with the ex from time to time realistic only works because we're both still single and don't have feelings, if either of those things weren't true it wouldn't work for most people. I wouldn't have my ex over to watch a movie if I had a new girlfriend and I doubt if she had a boyfriend he'd be cool with her coming over.
 
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