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Steady lad, steady....
The Rise of Lonely Single Straight Men
- Thread starter Richie
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Steady lad, steady....
Soldato
Defo noticed that friends disappear once they have kids. Not surprising because kids take up a bunch of time, but I'm not convinced that's the whole story.
I was seeing someone earlier in the year despite not actually looking, she pretty much chased me. It is nice to be in a happy relationship but realistically there's a lot of people who settled for being with just anyone and I won't do that since being trapped in a relationship with someone you don't love is much worse than being single.
Soldato
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how easy it is depends on your hobbies and also disposable income.
my hobbies involve pinball and videogames largely and as such it's easy to keep in touch with mates - some single some not. online mostly but every few months we try to meet up. also every other year a group of around 20 of us have a lads (ok sexist I know but it is what it is) meetup in Spain just hiring a couple of villas to watch the football (euros or WC)
this year it's in the depths of winter which won't be as much fun.
truth be told I don't really care about the football, more the company and the beer.
so sure you are right it can be more difficult to arrange time with your none partner related friends. you just need to have a bit of give and take with your partner and put a bit of effort in .
Soldato
I don't mind being single at the moment to be fair. I am always busy, and while I do miss a bit of passion and that, not enough to want to compromise my way of being. I have stuff I want to do, on my terms, and you'd have to be something truly mind-blowing to change that. Otherwise, **** it. Just go out and enjoy life. Don't need a woman to make you "whole". Get a hobby. Have a ****.
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I don't think you quite realise the full extent. Do you not have siblings with kids or anything?
They don't just take up a "bunch of time" - They take up most of your time
I've got friends who after 12 months sometimes haven't had a date night to themselves, let alone had a chance to meet up with mates for a social event.
As time goes by and the kids get older and more self sufficient it's easier, but babies and toddlers take up a lot of time and it depends who they have around them to help (e.g. are their own parents still alive/healthy etc to do some babysitting/childcare)
I love my kids and never regret having them. They are teenagers now with new issues and difficulties. But it has been extremely hard work through the years. I really wouldn't want to go back and do it all again. It's the hardest thing I've ever done.
SkodaMart
S
SkodaMart
Yes it has.
Not so long ago, in my fathers days.
A man could earn enough through hard work & overtime to support a family, children house & mortgage.
A second woman’s wage was optional.
To work a couple now need to both be working in the majority of cases.
This leads to the heartbreaking scenario of watching a stranger raise your children.
We did without to avoid this.
Soldato
'kin ay! Very true. They take up ALL of your time. There is no guide book either. They're all different, have different issues, life changes weekly. It's a real job.
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And something that is almost inevitable is that new parents get new friends.
Either through people in their antenatal groups, or when their kids start going to schools/clubs they get chatting to other parents, and they suddenly have more of a common interest than the bloke sitting at home playing Call of Duty.
Man of Honour
This is exactly it. All my sisters/cousins etc that I grew up with from an early age married up and now have kids who range from early teens to 19yrs old. I have seen them grow up and how much is involved - A massive time sink for sure. Likewise some of my closest friends who currently have kids that are 4-6 years old, and even then with the slightly older ones at 11 years old are still massive time sinks.
A common phrase I hear from them is "don't have kids!" from the folks I know who have young ones right now
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A common phrase I hear from them is "don't have kids!" from the folks I know who have young ones right now
I hear it a lot:
"Don't have kids"
Or
"I love my kids and would do anything for them, but"
And then go on to basically tell you how **** being a parent can be.
I know they are half joking but...only half.
This is exactly it. All my sisters/cousins etc that I grew up with from an early age married up and now have kids who range from early teens to 19yrs old. I have seen them grow up and how much is involved - A massive time sink for sure. Likewise some of my closest friends who currently have kids that are 4-6 years old, and even then with the slightly older ones at 11 years old are still massive time sinks.
A common phrase I hear from them is "don't have kids!" from the folks I know who have young ones right now
It's funny that, that I keep hearing. So many, not all, say those that have children want free time or sometimes regret having children from the time and lack of free time they have. Then there is the ones who don't have children thinking children is the be all end all wanting them badly.
Soldato
It's crying together with other men after they've spent all day watching their kid play X sport or do whatever activity
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The 'Grass is always greener' effect
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I'll tell you a hand on heart true story of how women can change men's lives. My late father, Reg, had a slightly younger brother, Dan. Now Dan was married to a woman called Evelyn, and they lived in Kent. My father decided to invite Dan and Evelyn up to our house in Cheshire as he hadn't seen Dan in twelve years. Up they came with the intention of staying overnight before heading north to the Lake District on the Sunday.
Now I'd got wind, even at ten years old, that my father didn't like Evelyn, and the feeling was mutual. Apparently Dan had gone from a happy go lucky chap to a bit of a miserable, hen pecked recluse. Evelyn had him on a tight rein...
About 7.00PM on the Saturday night my father told Dan he'd take him out for some beers. He told him to put a suit on and "bring your cheque book". Off they went, and the evening progressed, and I was sent off to bed. Apparently Evelyn, around 10.0PM, started asking my mother how long long Reg and Dan might be, as it was "getting late"
"Oh" my mother said, "they won't be back yet, it's only 10 o'clock, best get ourselves to bed".
Come 5.00 AM Evelyn is knocking hysterically on my mother's bedroom door, saying she should call the police.. My mother just laughed and said "Didn't you hear Reg tell Dan to bring his cheque book? They'll have gone to the Lemon Tree in Blackpool".
"What's the Lemon Tree? And Blackpool is over sixty miles away!!"
"It's a casino Reg likes, he goes a lot, they'll be back in about an hour I expect, go back to bed" my mother said.
Well, poor old Dan had obviously been denied the ale that he was once used to, and came back in a right state, and had apparently lost "a lot of money" it was later said. By midday Sunday a big row between Dan and Evelyn had ensued, my mother and father had been loudly chastised by Evelyn, and they were gone. My father's next sight of Dan was in a coffin 20 years later. Women ehh?
Now I'd got wind, even at ten years old, that my father didn't like Evelyn, and the feeling was mutual. Apparently Dan had gone from a happy go lucky chap to a bit of a miserable, hen pecked recluse. Evelyn had him on a tight rein...
About 7.00PM on the Saturday night my father told Dan he'd take him out for some beers. He told him to put a suit on and "bring your cheque book". Off they went, and the evening progressed, and I was sent off to bed. Apparently Evelyn, around 10.0PM, started asking my mother how long long Reg and Dan might be, as it was "getting late"
"Oh" my mother said, "they won't be back yet, it's only 10 o'clock, best get ourselves to bed".
Come 5.00 AM Evelyn is knocking hysterically on my mother's bedroom door, saying she should call the police.. My mother just laughed and said "Didn't you hear Reg tell Dan to bring his cheque book? They'll have gone to the Lemon Tree in Blackpool".
"What's the Lemon Tree? And Blackpool is over sixty miles away!!"
"It's a casino Reg likes, he goes a lot, they'll be back in about an hour I expect, go back to bed" my mother said.
Well, poor old Dan had obviously been denied the ale that he was once used to, and came back in a right state, and had apparently lost "a lot of money" it was later said. By midday Sunday a big row between Dan and Evelyn had ensued, my mother and father had been loudly chastised by Evelyn, and they were gone. My father's next sight of Dan was in a coffin 20 years later. Women ehh?
Soldato
There is something hugely rewarding about imparting knowledge and bringing someone into the world. The world today though is so quickly changing, and it's, for a lot of years a completely thankless task. Now days you're more likely to get teenage kids blame you for their "life trauma" and how hard life is, and you're all crap, than anything else. It's so much going on in the world that they don't know what "normal" is. I was probably equally teenage to my mum, but sometimes they push it so far, it's the hardest job in the world without doubt.I hear it a lot:
"Don't have kids"
Or
"I love my kids and would do anything for them, but"
And then go on to basically tell you how **** being a parent can be.
I know they are half joking but...only half.
Soldato
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Oh! That sounds interesting, let's have a dekko at this list then
It was something like:
28-32 (I was 37 at the time)
Healthy, physically and mentally
Open to idea of children
Financially sensible- not necessarily well-off, just not an outright idiot
Has at least a masters, preferably a doctorate
A caring and patient nature
Gets on with her family and has a decent group of friends.
On my side I knew I had to work on listening and be less selfish with my time. I also had to be more outgoing.
I just chatted with my wife. I think if Tinder had been about, that may have satisfied my immediate desires, but caused me long-term problems.