The Rise of Lonely Single Straight Men

Hades said:
Yes I see what you mean. In my case I still think I would be better off financially on my own. My wife would be far worse off. But I'm not saying I regret it. We have been married for 22 years and I first met her 30 years ago. I wouldn't want to date nowadays. I wouldn't be interested in the type of women who would be interested in me, and the type of woman I would actually like to date would probably run a mile from me :) So that's not going to happen (and no plans for divorce either).
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Yep better off financially doesn’t translate to better off overall. I think it’s absolutely true that money doesn’t buy happiness, and even if it does, happiness isn’t everything in life.

Purpose and responsibility are. So I’ll happily hand my paycheque over to my family because the role I am doing is more important than the money itself.
 
Mason- said:
And yet despite all of that. Every measurable statistic on the outcomes of children points to children growing up in a stable family of their biological parents having the best outcomes.

I think ultimately people now are far more accepting of individuals being selfish. And it’s not surprising, all politicians ultimately care about is the ‘economy’. And the economy wants individualism, selfishness and consumerism.

When do you ever hear any party putting families first? It never happens, because they don’t care.
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Yep it's quietly leading to a breakdown in society that has evolved over hundreds of years. For instance in some places being a single mother is the ambition, its the only way to get decent accommodation, if the father shows an interest let alone cohabits, that benefit dissappears.
Mens position in society has been ruthlessly undermined over the last 50 years.
I have to say though politicians are not interested in anything other than furthering their careers or riding the gravy train.
 
R.P.L said:
That's also probably part of the reason for the increase in single people, in that as traditional gender roles go out the window, men and women don't need each other in order to 'build a life' as much. Particularly for women, now that career options have improved for them there's little incentive to look after a home while the man goes out to work, and as a result there's less incentive for men to have a woman around.
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Hence so many unhappy single people. I'm old, so have slightly old fashioned ideas, in that humans, like the rest of the animal kingdom, are here to have children to keep the species going.
Maybe women were actually happier when staying at home and raising a family. That's not the modern way of thinking though...
 
malachi said:
@Slam62 If you really think that relationships are not about sex then good luck having sexless relationships.

Sex is the number one thing in a relationship, for mental reasons and biological reasons.
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It contributes strongly to keeping the bond, short term sexual relationship don't achieve anything except a very brief pleasure and perhaps another single mother.
 
Chris Wilson said:
Yes of course, have you no pride in the supremacy and power of your gender...? ;) You need to read that muscly bloke they're on about in another thread and get with it ;)
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Dunno, I've been with my wife since she was 18, and I was 23, and will have been married 30 years next year. We'd both been around before we got together...
 
C Kent said:
I read somewhere that people who have had more than 10 sexual relationships by the time they are 20 have more issues developing the emotional requirements to sustain healthy long term relationships, its somewhat more prevalent in women however.
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It's not good for anyone to have many meaningless relationships, it ultimately causes mental health problems.
 
mrk said:
That's only because some don't see themselves from an outside the box perspective. When you can self critique yourself and understand the position you are in, as well as what's going on around you, rather than live day to day with tunnel vision, that's when you're in control and are perfectly fine socially as well. This isn't exclusive to men, this applies to women as well.
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That's a good point - I think for a lot of people a partner is useful to keep them on the straight and narrow so to speak and to provide some validation that they're 'alright', even if that's usually more of a subconscious thing. My gut feeling is that this applies more strongly to men than women, but I can't claim to have done any in depth research on it...
 
Slam62 said:
It contributes strongly to keeping the bond, short term sexual relationship don't achieve anything except a very brief pleasure and perhaps another single mother.
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since conceiving a child 7 years ago (which by coincidence was ivf) sex is far far down our list of priorities.... i think (hope) our marital bond is still strong however.

this whole thread is too judgy for me ... i should keep out but it is like rubber necking at the site of a car crash it is uncomfortably compelling!.

have multiple sex partners if you can get them, be celibate if you prefer, gay, straight, bi or swinger........... who on earth cares.. So long as you are happy and not hurting others just go with it (but FGS wear your wellies or at least take your pill!).

I do feel sorry for anyone who is single and lonely however. It is not something i ever had problems with. Even when single i was more than happy with my own company, and had friends to fall back on.... i had enough action with the opposite sex to keep me happy, but sure, i would have had more casual stuff it i could have but the important thing is, sex was not the be all and end all.. Neither was a relationship

i think that is the bottom line tbh..... it does not matter if you are single or in a relationship or male or female...................... it is down to individuals to find what makes them happy and do that. if that is finding a partner then do something about it, and if you are single then find something else to give you satisfaction in the mean time aka find a hobby, a social one if you want to possibly find a partner..

dating wise POF.com is great for casual stuff, maybe even long term but i dare say a paid site will be more likely to get serious long term partners. It is true tho that there are some if we are being skin deep women on there whose looks would not be their stand out plus point but with incredibly high standards for the man they are after if you want casual stuff. it is what it is.

i had a friend who was 40, never had a girlfriend and was a virgin...... i will be honest with you if that had been me i would have fixed that last part one way or another............ but he is now over 50 and has been with his partner for 10 years and married for must be 8..... never too old to get on the horse IF that is what you want, if not there is always the local massage parlour ;)
 
R.P.L said:
That's a good point - I think for a lot of people a partner is useful to keep them on the straight and narrow so to speak and to provide some validation that they're 'alright', even if that's usually more of a subconscious thing. My gut feeling is that this applies more strongly to men than women, but I can't claim to have done any in depth research on it...
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You are right, I've seen it in others both men and women. And yes it does apply more to men purely because men don't talk about such stuff and it lingers inside building up to closed doors and an internal view of the world that isn't always a healthy one. Women have the luxury of having their social circle where anything goes so they have the support network naturally in place. Men don't have this and usually feel embarrassed to seek it, and instead join some sort of echo chamber (you see it a lot online, for example).

But with self realisation people do regularly change for the better, seen that happen too. Each person needs to have the positive desire toward it though. Will power is quite rare these days sadly.
 
Slam62 said:
Mens position in society has been ruthlessly undermined over the last 50 years.
.
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No it hasn’t. You seem to think your position is based on gender when it isn’t. It’s a good thing that there is more equality and that women are making inroads into traditional male places, be that directorships, sport, professional jobs, manual jobs, etc.
You are threatened by women because they may be able to do your job better than you can so you dress it up to suggest mens position has been eroded.
 
Getting into a relationship these days is different then it was 25 years ago when I met my wife. It's all tinder and social media now which imo just isn't the same. My sister in law is a single lady, she is 31 and has grown up in a different way. I say grown up she still parties every night and drinks far to much but meets men on tinder, online only rather then just face to face or the "old fashioned way"

She has had many many short term relationships and maybe 1 long term many moons ago when she was younger. I think a lot of the problem is how things have changed with how the beginnings of the relationship starts, online sucks, messages are exchanged that don't give the people true personalities and it just isn't the same as it use to be.

I dunno, I met my wife when I was 18 and she was just turning 16 at the time, it was different those days
 
I think this correlates with decreasing divorce rates. Yes marriages are also down, but percentage of people divorcing is down in turn.

I'm 33, I know so many people in my parents generation that had unhappy marriages and generally felt trapped because that's how things were and people were forced to focus on the stability of their lives as opposed to their happiness and mental health. Now people are choosing to not commit to long term relationships as readily because they're being more picky about their partners and I think that's a good thing. Adapt or die alone.
 
mrk said:
That's only because some don't see themselves from an outside the box perspective. When you can self critique yourself and understand the position you are in, as well as what's going on around you, rather than live day to day with tunnel vision, that's when you're in control and are perfectly fine socially as well. This isn't exclusive to men, this applies to women as well.

You may also be applying your logic to blanket men this way because that is your only experience of this particular group of men, which is not representative of most men.

And anyway, being single or not doesn't dictate how good you will end up being in a relationship, that boils down to how you were brought up and the social circle you have kept through your later years.

By your logic then, a man who has hopped around a different woman every other month is going to be the pinnacle of life partner material, which realistically speaking is the opposite in many cases.

But at the same time women's perceptions and expectations are unrealistic quite often too and social media/TV has played a large part in nudging that along.

And besides all of that, some people just don't meet their right match until much much later in life, which seems to be more common nowadays with busy lifestyles, work to live etc.
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I agree with your first point. Those who cannot be honest with themselves will have difficulties.

I don't believe promiscuous, flighty men make the best partners. I know, from my female friends, they take a simar view.

It is not just women with unrealistic expectations!

After my divorce, and some dating, I sat down and write a list of what I did and did not want in a partner. My final list was not at all what I had been looking for.

I'd recommend the list method to anyone. That night's work literally changed my life.
 
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Another thing that results in lonely single, middle aged men is once their friends marry, and especially if they then have kids, they become ostracised as married couples tend to socialise with other married couples, not single men, even if they were once close friends.

I try to go out of my way to invite single friends to the wife's Mrs. Bucket soirees, albeit not men, admittedly, but it has met with some strong resistance from `er indoors. It's also becoming disturbingly costly keeping them under the influence of alcohol, which seems the only way to maintain their interest in me these days, such is the shallowness of modern women ;) One can but try...
 
potatogate said:
I agree with your first point. Those who cannot be honest with themselves will have difficulties.

I don't believe promiscuous, flighty men make the best partners. I know, from my female friends, they take a simar view.

It is not just women with unrealistic expectations!

After my divorce, and some dating, I sat down and write a list of what I did and did not want in a partner. My final list was not at all what I had been looking for.

I'd recommend the list method to anyone. That night's work literally changed my life.
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Oh! That sounds interesting, let's have a dekko at this list then! Don't tell me you're married to an all in wrestler called Bob? :)
 
Chris Wilson said:
Another thing that results in lonely single, middle aged men is once their friends marry, and especially if they then have kids, they become ostracised as married couples tend to socialise with other married couples, not single men, even if they were once close friends.
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Wow - Something I actually agree with you on (kind of)

I wouldn't say they become "ostracised". I had a close group of mates when we were younger most of us were single. One guy had a girlfriend and we all used to hang around together and go on holidays together etc - We were just conscious to give them some time to themselves occasionally.

However, when I was 28 and they got pregnant with their first kid, it really gave me a kick up the backside to get out there and find a partner as kids is a total game changer and I knew we wouldn't be hanging out as much.

Six months later I was in a relationship.
12 years later still and we're about to celebrate out 4th wedding anniversary.

N.B - I still see that friend twice a month and we don't live in the same city anymore
 
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