The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Mat said:
This is quite an important part, certainly for me.

When you're with someone you obviously create memories together based on places you've been and things you've done as a couple and these memories become important, cherished and also help bind the relationship as a shared experience.

The second the relationship ends, those memories are all you have left and because they've become so important and you want to cling onto them so much, they're thrown into sharp relief without the backdrop of the relationship itself.

Getting out there and creating some new memories is paramount in starting to build that buffer between the end of the relationship and the 'now' so the sooner you can do that, the sooner you will start to get on with the new you, sans fille!
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And the worst part of it is that you only really appreciate and cherish said memories after it all ends. Scumbag brain working at it's best. It seems like a flaw with humans in general, as the cliché saying goes 'You never really know what you have until it's gone'.

Probably going off on a tangent here, but I don't think the current Facebook generation helps this matter, 'Oh look at what my partner has cooked for me... better take a photo of it and put it on Facebook' or 'Wow this is a great concert, better have my phone in front of my face recording the whole thing live so I can watch it later' and of course the popular 'I'm on a great holiday with my partner, better take an albums worth of typical portrait shots of us to post on Facebook so everyone knows we're having a good time.'

So rather than actually enjoying and being in the moment, people feel the need to try and immortalise feelings and memories, rather than letting them flow and follow their natural course.

So, learn from the past, appreciate the present and look forward to the future, but rather than me trying to sound like a preaching internet keyboard warrior, I'll let a monkey with a stick explain it better, true story;

 
Since the breakup I did force myself out and went for a few drinks with a girl a couple of times but I just can't seem to want anything with her right now... She's an awesome girl and I'd definitely say she could do better than me, but she's telling me she wants something 'proper' with me but I just can't seem to take it on board.

Is it right to feel like this after a break up? Will it go away? I don't want to be a depressed moper for ever. :/
 
Tom_D said:
Since the breakup I did force myself out and went for a few drinks with a girl a couple of times but I just can't seem to want anything with her right now... She's an awesome girl and I'd definitely say she could do better than me, but she's telling me she wants something 'proper' with me but I just can't seem to take it on board.

Is it right to feel like this after a break up? Will it go away? I don't want to be a depressed moper for ever. :/
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Time is a great healer and people do learn to forget and move on.....

Give it time ;)
 
Tom_D said:
Is it right to feel like this after a break up? Will it go away? I don't want to be a depressed moper for ever. :/
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Yes, yes and you won't be. However you still need to take an active role in sorting your head out. Time is a great healer but strength comes from your own actions. :)
 
Mat said:
Yes, yes and you won't be. However you still need to take an active role in sorting your head out. Time is a great healer but strength comes from your own actions. :)
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4 weeks since the break up now... Been going out often with a new girl although we're not 'official' yet and I don't think I want to be. She's a really good looking girl and she has an amazing personality but I just feel like I can't do it, I can't get the ex out of my head.

I hate women.
 
Tom_D said:
4 weeks since the break up now... Been going out often with a new girl although we're not 'official' yet and I don't think I want to be. She's a really good looking girl and she has an amazing personality but I just feel like I can't do it, I can't get the ex out of my head.

I hate women.
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I think you need more "single" time, I find if I jump into something to soon I don't deal with the problem, I just replace the pain with someone else, meaning that when you realise that isn't going to work, you've got even further to fall. I can't speak for others, but around 6 months of le single life is a good yard stick for me. It helps me get myself level again and I know what I want from a relationship and more importantly who I want, not the first person I find. (Not saying this is what you're doing by the way).

I feel like I've jumped into general and started spamming, I never even knew it was here.
 
Vidar said:
Good to see someone finding happiness!

Me on the other hand, well since my ex and I broke up I've been coming along in leaps and bounds, shedding weight and rebuilding relationships with friends and families!

That is where I have hit a snag, a great female friend of mine... has recently broken up with her boyfriend, he mistreated her very badly and we have been texting and chatting a lot, being a support for one-another as good friends do...

Only soft ***** here is developing feelings for this girl when I really know I shouldn't etc....


I feel so stupid!
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Speaking of rebounds, it brought this post to mind.

Two rebounds usually don't make a right.

Wonder if there's any developments?
 
Monkey00 said:
I think you need more "single" time, I find if I jump into something to soon I don't deal with the problem, I just replace the pain with someone else, meaning that when you realise that isn't going to work, you've got even further to fall. I can't speak for others, but around 6 months of le single life is a good yard stick for me. It helps me get myself level again and I know what I want from a relationship and more importantly who I want, not the first person I find. (Not saying this is what you're doing by the way).

I feel like I've jumped into general and started spamming, I never even knew it was here.
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I think you are right... Maybe I just need to stay single and see what happens from there. Thanks, really does make sense. :)

cm1179 said:
you're on the rebound. why are you involving yourself with another girl so soon?

unless you're someone who has to have a gf?
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This also, I do just think it's a rebound but it's really not working if I can't get the ex out of my head. I've been single for ages before so I'm really not a person who always has to be with someone.

Oh well, time to go back to being foreveralone!
 
Never thought I'd do this AGAIN, but you know, women ... :rolleyes:

I'll try and keep this to the point.

I've started to see this Swedish girl I met on Match. June the 12th we met to be exact. Day after my 32nd birthday. She's also 32.

Bar one or two snags, things went smoothly up until 4-5 weeks ago. She out of the blue told me she wants to take a break from 'us' and take the next couple of weeks to think about what she want out of the relationship. I was slightly taken back but decided if that's what she needs ... go ahead. As she was going to Stockholm with work for 10 days and myself to Wales to work on some tenders, timing was depressingly good.

During the break I didn't contact her. And to be honest, only thought about her the first few days before she became a passing thought. It's not that I didn't miss her, I just didn't allow myself to think about her. I'm good like that.

When the two weeks were up, I sent her a text asking what's up. She said that she needed to go to Japan with work for a week and that she needed ANOTHER two weeks. Sent her a text back saying that ... well ... have a nice life. In short, only once in my life I've allowed a woman to take the **** out of me and promised it wouldn't happen again. I was not going to sit around until she made her mind up, living in fortnightly increments.

I left it at that and life occurred. I didn't think about her once last week, until I got a text from her asking to meet so she could give me gifts she bought abroad. I know it was only a ploy to meet me again. We met and I assumed a cool air of detachment as that's exactly how I was feeling. She spilled her guts and said that she's physically very attracted to me, and still 'working on' the mental side of potentially spending her life with me. Long story short, we spent most of the weekend in bed ... licking things off each other :o

Come today, I don't quite know what to make of matters now. I can walk away right now with no emotional turmoil but I quite fond of this blond airhead (my nick for her). I don't quite know if we're together, or just FWB. I did ask briefly yesterday but she said nothing. Talking to her is pointless as it's easier to extract information from a wooden chair. She completely shut if heavy subjects are breeched.

All she said was that we shouldn't date others.

So that means? What exactly?
 
regulus said:
Never thought I'd do this AGAIN, but you know, women ... :rolleyes:

I'll try and keep this to the point.

I've started to see this Swedish girl I met on Match. June the 12th we met to be exact. Day after my 32nd birthday. She's also 32.

Bar one or two snags, things went smoothly up until 4-5 weeks ago. She out of the blue told me she wants to take a break from 'us' and take the next couple of weeks to think about what she want out of the relationship. I was slightly taken back but decided if that's what she needs ... go ahead. As she was going to Stockholm with work for 10 days and myself to Wales to work on some tenders, timing was depressingly good.

During the break I didn't contact her. And to be honest, only thought about her the first few days before she became a passing thought. It's not that I didn't miss her, I just didn't allow myself to think about her. I'm good like that.

When the two weeks were up, I sent her a text asking what's up. She said that she needed to go to Japan with work for a week and that she needed ANOTHER two weeks. Sent her a text back saying that ... well ... have a nice life. In short, only once in my life I've allowed a woman to take the **** out of me and promised it wouldn't happen again. I was not going to sit around until she made her mind up, living in fortnightly increments.

I left it at that and life occurred. I didn't think about her once last week, until I got a text from her asking to meet so she could give me gifts she bought abroad. I know it was only a ploy to meet me again. We met and I assumed a cool air of detachment as that's exactly how I was feeling. She spilled her guts and said that she's physically very attracted to me, and still 'working on' the mental side of potentially spending her life with me. Long story short, we spent most of the weekend in bed ... licking things off each other :o

Come today, I don't quite know what to make of matters now. I can walk away right now with no emotional turmoil but I quite fond of this blond airhead (my nick for her). I don't quite know if we're together, or just FWB. I did ask briefly yesterday but she said nothing. Talking to her is pointless as it's easier to extract information from a wooden chair. She completely shut if heavy subjects are breeched.

All she said was that we shouldn't date others.

So that means? What exactly?
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My take on this? She wanted to play around whilst away with work without feeling guilty, possibly the same again the second time. She probably has a few guys on the go and doesn't want to break it off with anyone until she figures out which suits her best.

For someone who suddenly 'needs space or to think' etc, you have to ask yourself if this person is future relationship material, and if any hardships or problems occur later down the road would they act this way again.

Might be way off mark, but that's my take on it.
 
regulus said:
All she said was that we shouldn't date others.

So that means? What exactly?
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She likes the bad stuff with you but thinks someone "better" (sorry that sounds cruel) could turn up and can't deal with being in a committed relationship.

Basically the polar opposite to a bunny boiler, but about as dangerous to your sanity.

Better thing to address is what do you want from her? Does her wooden chair personality seem something that you can enjoy for a long term thing?
 
Holliday said:
My take on this? She wanted to play around whilst away with work without feeling guilty, possibly the same again the second time. She probably has a few guys on the go and doesn't want to break it off with anyone until she figures out which suits her best.

For someone who suddenly 'needs space or to think' etc, you have to ask yourself if this person is future relationship material, and if any hardships or problems occur later down the road would they act this way again.

Might be way off mark, but that's my take on it.
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Interesting thoughts, but I don't think that's it. As far as beautiful women go, she's pretty trustworthy. There's a small chance that I myself is off the mark with this, but I'll put money on it that she's just confused and not playing away. Then again, weirder things have happened ..

The main thing in my opinion is that she's only ever been in one (very) long relationship her entire life. After that, she was single for nearly 3 years before I stumbled into her life. As per her own admittance, she doesn't know how to act in relationships any more and not used to anyone making romantic designs on her. I've barely been full on and only asked her whether we're in a relationship 3 months after we've started dating. That's hardly pressuring her.

I think I'll leave the ball in her court.
 
pingwing said:
She likes the bad stuff with you but thinks someone "better" (sorry that sounds cruel) could turn up and can't deal with being in a committed relationship.

Basically the polar opposite to a bunny boiler, but about as dangerous to your sanity.

Better thing to address is what do you want from her? Does her wooden chair personality seem something that you can enjoy for a long term thing?
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That's the thing. I don't actually know what I want from her. For a while I thought I did. Once the ice is chipped away, she'll make a decent girlfriend but after the past month's shenanigans, whatever feelings I may have had cooled tremendously. I guess I'm just confused that she came back so easily after I told her to take a hike. If she's really into me, then we can talk. But my gut tells me she's not ..
 
Here goes. FML. I feel like a complete ****. Probably because I am. Made worse by the fact I've always seen myself as a 'good' guy/boyfriend and over the years have realised that I'm really not.

Summary (ish): Been in current relationship for 1 and half years. She is basically pretty awesome in every way, and more than I could have ever asked for. Started off local, but due to work etc, it's now long distance (as of August 2011). We see each other maybe every 3-4 weeks. The cracks have begun to show, either because of the distance, and/or things not feeling quite how they did in the beginning.

We can end up arguing about the littlest insignificant details that stem from nothing, like we are on completely different wavelengths, which I so did not see in the beginning. It's like she doesn't get my humour or vice versa, takes things the wrong way so often. This leads to me feeling more cautious about the way I speak to her and not feel like 'myself'. Little things about her that I never found annoying in the beginning now grate on me. If anyone's ever watched 500 Days Of Summer, it's like the scenes in that about liking something in the begining and then eventually hating those same things. That makes me really sad.

It's just making me have so many doubts about the future. 1 year ago I wouldn't have changed a single thing. Now, that is no longer the case. I don't know whether it's purely distance and lack of communication that has caused all this, or whether it's simply it's gotten to a stage where we realise that we're not quite right for each other.

On top of that, and this is where I feel like a ****, my fickle male mind, already now in it's doubting and uncertain state, is wandering. Not onto anyone in particular at first, just 'what ifs'.

But then recently one of those 'what ifs' I've just gotten to know a bit better (nothing dodgy), and thus my mind extrapolates further, and I just feel like such a ****. And I don't even mean thinking about doing anything with anyone. I just think 'what if' xyz is better, what if I get on better with this person. The grass is always greener on the other side... And then I think, is everything actually just fine and I'm just a **** who gets bored easily and just wants someone new? I don't even know. Meh.

Thanks to anyone who reads the verbal diarrhoea above :o
 
regulus said:
That's the thing. I don't actually know what I want from her. For a while I thought I did. Once the ice is chipped away, she'll make a decent girlfriend but after the past month's shenanigans, whatever feelings I may have had cooled tremendously. I guess I'm just confused that she came back so easily after I told her to take a hike. If she's really into me, then we can talk. But my gut tells me she's not ..
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I'd say the ball is in your court of what you want to do, she might just be finding it difficult in learning how to enjoy a longer relationship or she might be getting cold feet at the idea. It's not really good for you to sit and wait to find out really if you don't have a strong feeling of what you want from her.

Doohickey said:
Summary (ish): Been in current relationship for 1 and half years. She is basically pretty awesome in every way, and more than I could have ever asked for. Started off local, but due to work etc, it's now long distance (as of August 2011). We see each other maybe every 3-4 weeks. The cracks have begun to show, either because of the distance, and/or things not feeling quite how they did in the beginning.

Thanks to anyone who reads the verbal diarrhoea above :o
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Welcome into the long distance relationship mess. I have exactly the same sort of situation, see the gf between 3-7 weeks (depends on her work and money as she still lives in NI) and it goes hot and cold really badly when we do see each other.

Basically not having her about much is the key to developing the "wondering mind" syndrome, where you crave something local just for a normal relationship. I get it a lot, sometimes I think I can just go meet a new girl and sometimes I get that sad thought of not having the current one. There always comes a point where you are fending off the is it worth it thoughts about your current gf. Its fairly normal really, especially if you end up having a bad visit.

The best bit of advice is to try and work out if you have a future, I get frustrated a lot because it's slowly looking more and more like my gf basically needs to move in with me before I can see her a regular amount, but I have no desire to do that. If you both aren't in the right place for long distance or don't see where you are going it might be worth at least trying to talk about where you want to go and how that involves each other.
 
pingwing said:
Welcome into the long distance relationship mess. I have exactly the same sort of situation, see the gf between 3-7 weeks (depends on her work and money as she still lives in NI) and it goes hot and cold really badly when we do see each other.

Basically not having her about much is the key to developing the "wondering mind" syndrome, where you crave something local just for a normal relationship. I get it a lot, sometimes I think I can just go meet a new girl and sometimes I get that sad thought of not having the current one. There always comes a point where you are fending off the is it worth it thoughts about your current gf. Its fairly normal really, especially if you end up having a bad visit.
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That's pretty much exactly it. And yeah, we didn't have a good time the last time she came up about 2 weeks ago. Didn't help that I wasn't well, but still. That bad visit just made me think at the time, wow, we're physically together, and I don't feel any better. That was a pretty gutting feeling.

When it boils down to 'is it worth it', it's exactly that. It feels awful to sum it up so bluntly, especially after we've invested so much time and emotion into this so far- especially on her part (her family are Indian, I am not, they did not approve = difficulty initially...). And to add to my 'gutting' feeling, she emphasises how I mean *everything* to her. And while I would do anything for her, I wish I could say the same with the same conviction, if that makes sense. I do love her. But it's not the same as it was, and it's not getting any better...
 
cm1179 said:
you've got yourself a **** buddy, regulus

enjoy it while it lasts
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That's exactly what I'm thinking pal. She harped on about how physically attractive she finds me, which is all well and good, but, well, before I thought it was all about a meeting of the minds. Now it's looking as if she's purely after the Bratwurst. To add prove to that damning revelation, the only words she left me with yesterday is that she's 'sore' and need to recover for our sessions next weekend :confused: . Not a word about meeting up this week at some point, just straight to this coming weekend and getting ready for more sex.

I suppose it's quite obvious now isn't it? :(
 
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