Okay, well first post in here but I'm having a bit of a struggle with something at the moment and I'd appreciate some outside perspective on it.
This evening my ex threw me a curveball. Strangely enough I posted about her the other day in another thread saying this:
My ex girlfriend who was due to be my wife, but is now my friend is amazing because she is there to talk to, literally any time of day or night she will answer the phone. She visits with cakes and cookies and if she's been shopping will swing by my house on the way home with a new top or something she's bought for me.
And the cheeky mare had the liberty to give my bum a squeeze last time I bumped into her in the supermarket.
I love her to pieces, and she me. We just cannot be together so we remain the best of friends
This has been the case for quite a while now, although recently she's been getting in touch more. Texting virtually every day, asking to come over and just being generally more chatty. I didn't think anything of it until tonight when she phoned me. She was crying, and all she mananged was 'please read it' and then she hung up. Tried calling back but it just rang out to voicemail.
Check texts on both phones, nothing. Checked emails and there was an email from her.
The reason we split, and promised to be friends was because of my circumstances and the inevitable emotional ups and downs that would bring for me and her. Couples where someone goes through with what I am doing, 97% split up at some point during the transition process.
Her email was quite genuinely dripping with emotion, she wears her heart on her sleeve at the best of times and it upset me to read, because I know how much she's in turmoil and it's hurting her.
The premise is a simple one, she wants to give it another try. She says she's willing to risk being one of the casualties of the 97% because there's the slightest glimmer of hope of being one of the 3%.
Now, if things were only that simple, I'd be jumping at the chance. I don't doubt that I love her, nor her me. We have a very very strong emotional and personal bond and we've always made it clear that we miss each other dearly.
The logic that is running through my head is, she obviously knows what is happening to me, and what I will be when it's all done. She feels she is strong enough, we're strong enough, to pull through it together. But give the slim survival rates, it would absolutely devastate me to see things fail and her be shattered by not quite realising the magnitude of what she's getting into. Can I risk dragging her through the mill just to have a fruitless, empty shell of a relationship at the end of it?
There's also the question of sexuality, and where my transition leaves me at the end of it. Although it's not really the most important part of it all, it's something to be factored in. She states as part of the email that she must be able to trust me, which reading between the lines and in context is basically saying no sex with a man. I never wanted to, until recently and the 'what is it going to be like' question has been growing ever stronger in my head.
I dunno, I'm really really torn here. She's a fantastic girl and half of me is thinking we have the right stuff to be able to carry it through. The other half simply doesn't want to hurt her.
Whaddya think?
