The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Soldato
Joined
18 Jun 2010
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Essex
I find it pretty insane you didn't move out there permanently when your child was born, I'd take that as a massive insult. "You still want to be with me, and we have a child together but you're going to live in another country", why?
 
Soldato
Joined
1 Jul 2015
Posts
2,844
Location
UK
Another year, another issue with the ex; who I'm starting to suspect is quite mad. I've written about her before, but just as a summary -

We were together for almost a decade. For the vast majority of the relationship I paid all the bills; food, holidays, clothes etc. Then, in the last 18 months I lost my job. I decided to go to university with the aim of building a career and solid financial platform from which her and I could enjoy a good quality of life. We discussed the implications. She would have to pay the bills. She did without complaint. Then, one month into my course, totally out of the blue, she cheated on me and left. Following then, she has been sending me messages via different platforms, asking me to send her money. Now she knows I'm a poor student. She also knows that the verbal agreement we had was that I'd pay her back when I graduate. But no, the messages continue...

Roll on to last week. I'm elbow deep in a very challenging medical audit report. Stressed out like a mad man and with only the desire to get a good grade on my mind. Then, I get a message from the ex....She says she hopes I had a good Xmas (I didn't), and then proceeds to ask me for money. The woman is driving me nuts. I've been debating whether or not to reply to her. Should I? It's almost like she's wanting me to fund her new life with the guy she was cheating on me with, all while I work my fingers to the bone at uni. Damn, I gave her so much when we we're together, I feel so angry.
 
Soldato
Joined
1 Jun 2013
Posts
9,315
Another year, another issue with the ex; who I'm starting to suspect is quite mad. I've written about her before, but just as a summary -

We were together for almost a decade. For the vast majority of the relationship I paid all the bills; food, holidays, clothes etc. Then, in the last 18 months I lost my job. I decided to go to university with the aim of building a career and solid financial platform from which her and I could enjoy a good quality of life. We discussed the implications. She would have to pay the bills. She did without complaint. Then, one month into my course, totally out of the blue, she cheated on me and left. Following then, she has been sending me messages via different platforms, asking me to send her money. Now she knows I'm a poor student. She also knows that the verbal agreement we had was that I'd pay her back when I graduate. But no, the messages continue...

Roll on to last week. I'm elbow deep in a very challenging medical audit report. Stressed out like a mad man and with only the desire to get a good grade on my mind. Then, I get a message from the ex....She says she hopes I had a good Xmas (I didn't), and then proceeds to ask me for money. The woman is driving me nuts. I've been debating whether or not to reply to her. Should I? It's almost like she's wanting me to fund her new life with the guy she was cheating on me with, all while I work my fingers to the bone at uni. Damn, I gave her so much when we we're together, I feel so angry.


OMG! How many times do we have to tell you to just cut her off!? At best, tell her not to contact you, you're not comfortable with it, and any further contact will be reported to the police as harassment. What's the point in coming here for advice if you just ignore it time and time again, only to have the same problems crop up a few months down the line?

If you don't want to have this hassle, then just block her on everything. I hope you didn't confirm that "verbal agreement" via a text or letter to make it legally binding... That boat should have sailed when she cheated on you.

You need to look at yourself in the mirror to find out why this issue keep coming up instead of being put to bed a long time ago.
 
Soldato
Joined
1 Jul 2015
Posts
2,844
Location
UK
She's blocked on all platforms I use. But there's no method I'm aware of that prevents her from sending me messages via new accounts. Which is what is now happening.
 
Soldato
Joined
18 Jun 2010
Posts
6,566
Location
Essex
Another year, another issue with the ex; who I'm starting to suspect is quite mad. I've written about her before, but just as a summary -

We were together for almost a decade. For the vast majority of the relationship I paid all the bills; food, holidays, clothes etc. Then, in the last 18 months I lost my job. I decided to go to university with the aim of building a career and solid financial platform from which her and I could enjoy a good quality of life. We discussed the implications. She would have to pay the bills. She did without complaint. Then, one month into my course, totally out of the blue, she cheated on me and left. Following then, she has been sending me messages via different platforms, asking me to send her money. Now she knows I'm a poor student. She also knows that the verbal agreement we had was that I'd pay her back when I graduate. But no, the messages continue...

Roll on to last week. I'm elbow deep in a very challenging medical audit report. Stressed out like a mad man and with only the desire to get a good grade on my mind. Then, I get a message from the ex....She says she hopes I had a good Xmas (I didn't), and then proceeds to ask me for money. The woman is driving me nuts. I've been debating whether or not to reply to her. Should I? It's almost like she's wanting me to fund her new life with the guy she was cheating on me with, all while I work my fingers to the bone at uni. Damn, I gave her so much when we we're together, I feel so angry.
Here you go:

Hi <X>,

We were together for <insert number> of years. For the vast majority of that time I paid all the bills. I did this out of love and not expecting anything in return. During the period where I lost my job we agreed that you would pay the bills, and then when I graduated and got a job, I would contribute again and pay you back for some of it. We also implicitly agreed to stay faithful to one another. You broke that agreement by cheating on me. As such I don't particularly feel like keeping that agreement, and whatever good feeling I had towards you went out the window when you decided you wanted to hop on someone elses <insert word here>.

Finally, please stop talking to me. I owe you nothing.
Goodbye.
 
Soldato
Joined
1 Jun 2013
Posts
9,315
She's blocked on all platforms I use. But there's no method I'm aware of that prevents her from sending me messages via new accounts. Which is what is now happening.

That's why you report to police as harassment, and they have a word with her as an official warning. Or you just keep blocking, blocking, blocking. She turns up at work, call security. She turns up at your home, throw her out and call the police.

She keeps coming back to you because you keep letting her. Presumably you've been giving her money too, so why would she ever stop taking the free cash you give out so she can spend it on her new boyfriend? Get angry, get it over and done with!
 
Soldato
Joined
1 Jul 2015
Posts
2,844
Location
UK
That's why you report to police as harassment, and they have a word with her as an official warning. Or you just keep blocking, blocking, blocking. She turns up at work, call security. She turns up at your home, throw her out and call the police.

She keeps coming back to you because you keep letting her. Presumably you've been giving her money too, so why would she ever stop taking the free cash you give out so she can spend it on her new boyfriend? Get angry, get it over and done with!

I haven't given her a penny since she left in 2017. Filing a complaint seems like the next logical step.
 
Soldato
Joined
1 Jun 2013
Posts
9,315
I haven't given her a penny since she left in 2017. Filing a complaint seems like the next logical step.

'Fraid so. I know it's more hassle than you want, but it will be worth it in the long run to get her out of your hair. Maybe you're too nice and don't want to be mean to her, but she doesn't deserve you being nice. She's only going to keep coming back and asking for money while she thinks she can. Make no mistake, she is harassing you for money because she thinks you owe her, where the reality is that you contributed far more to the relationship financially, and she cheated on you. Don't feel like you have to be nice to her now.
 
Associate
Joined
9 May 2009
Posts
1,178
This winds me up so much, so she cheated on you but you still owe her money despite paying for everything on your own for most of the relationship, how about she pays you back, arrgggghhhhhhh imagine if this was the other way round, it would probably make the news!

report her to the police, i wouldn't even give a warning just do it, shes deserves nothing from you.
 
Soldato
Joined
6 May 2009
Posts
19,885
Well, me and my girlfriend split up a couple of weeks ago. We both agreed that bad communication was mainly to blame and that our personalities just didn't match - Shes an introvert with some emotional issues which she needs to sort and i'm not the type of person to be her carer (sounds harsh but she is going to seek professional help again, so good on her) Although she said she didn't want children originally, she told me and family she actually does - Sort of worrying if she is either not sure or just lieing to please me / family. Post natal depression springs to mind which I hear is very tough.

We both left on good terms though, hope she finds someone more suitable
 
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