The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
- Thread starter mattyprice4004
- Start date
Tbh there is a huge part of the story missing here. Who packs their bags and goes to their Mums because their wife upset them?
He does
Caporegime
Tbh there is a huge part of the story missing here. Who packs their bags and goes to their Mums because their wife upset them?
Doesn't seem a great deal more to it. His wife effectively told him she doesn't want him around until he behaves on her mental terms.
Tbh there is a huge part of the story missing here. Who packs their bags and goes to their Mums because their wife upset them?
Sounds like this has been going on a long time, with the wife and her parents ganging up to grind the OP down over years. He's just reached his breaking point after years of emotional and mental abuse.
Yes that is controlling behaviour. Living at her parents may be part of the problem. I did that for a few years against my better judgement and it was awful. But even without that factor, the way her behaviour is described here, this sounds like an abusive relationship.
Soldato
Tbh there is a huge part of the story missing here. Who packs their bags and goes to their Mums because their wife upset them?
Don't be pricksHe does
There's obviously more going on (from either side) we don't know about. Unless you've been in an abusive relationship yourself, best belt up TBH.
Soldato
Don't be pricks
Man I thought I was the only one reading that. Some people lack empathy coming into this thread.
Don't mind D lockers. He tries awfully hard to make up for having a teeny tiny... house and a poverty spec Mercedes.
after my post a month ago, the house sold within 2 days of being listed on the website (tends to happen this way on our street)
hopefully will all go smoothly, there is no chain for either of us (im renting and shes moving to her parents for a few months until the new house is built)
Associate
Unfortunately tend to agree. Having been through similar with crazy specific demands for dinner at a certain time, bed times bath times you name it. Even a Christmas tree story too that makes me laugh/cringe with the guff I used to put up with.
Unless she is a crackpot - I suspect she is unhappy at something in the relationship which is enhancing this sort of behavior. This is based on my experience - have a heart to heart with her and see what falls out. I thought it was the end of my world when my marriage fell part with 3 kids. But it wasn't - it is the start of a new adventure. I parent the way I want to parent now when the kids are with me. I don't get made to feel inadequate just because I used to want to put kids to bed later some nights. I am an all round happier parent and the kids are flourishing.
Follow the course, stay civil, maintain respect for each other through it all, be honest, TALK, recognize that kids are most important thing so work towards to a solution that is optimal. That may be staying together, but it may be coparenting over 2 households.
Bolded the main issue for you. You're raising children while living with your wife's parents, whatever the circumstances are I think ultimately it's not good for your relationship. I think you needed to be the man more in this relationship and that's going to be difficult if you're living with her parents and she's bossing you around. Hard to give specific advice without knowing more though.
Soldato
Bit of a long time lurker in this thread.
Just over a week ago I ended my 8 year relationship with my girlfriend. Yes, not the best timing, but something just triggered that it was time to end. We've been going through ups and downs for a long time, and I felt we were slowly drifting apart - but still clinging onto something, desperately hoping for the best.
She's asked me many times, why now? I and have no idea why, just something said, this is it. It took me ages to drive to hers (where she's currently staying with her mum over xmas) to tell her.
We still want to be friends, and are going to spend a bit of xmas together at my family. yes it'll be hard but I still care about her and always will. I'm 34, not super young, but 8 years is a significant part of my life.
I still feel **** everyday, causing her so much pain especially at this time of year. But I couldn't face pretending over the xmas period only to do the inevitable afterwards.
If anyone has any advice on staying friends with partners who you ended amicably with, it'll be much appreciated
Merry xmas
Just over a week ago I ended my 8 year relationship with my girlfriend. Yes, not the best timing, but something just triggered that it was time to end. We've been going through ups and downs for a long time, and I felt we were slowly drifting apart - but still clinging onto something, desperately hoping for the best.
She's asked me many times, why now? I and have no idea why, just something said, this is it. It took me ages to drive to hers (where she's currently staying with her mum over xmas) to tell her.
We still want to be friends, and are going to spend a bit of xmas together at my family. yes it'll be hard but I still care about her and always will. I'm 34, not super young, but 8 years is a significant part of my life.
I still feel **** everyday, causing her so much pain especially at this time of year. But I couldn't face pretending over the xmas period only to do the inevitable afterwards.
If anyone has any advice on staying friends with partners who you ended amicably with, it'll be much appreciated
Merry xmas
Soldato
**** me that post has spooked me. I'm 34, 8 year relationship, and wondering if we are clinging on and hoping too.Bit of a long time lurker in this thread.
Just over a week ago I ended my 8 year relationship with my girlfriend. Yes, not the best timing, but something just triggered that it was time to end. We've been going through ups and downs for a long time, and I felt we were slowly drifting apart - but still clinging onto something, desperately hoping for the best.
She's asked me many times, why now? I and have no idea why, just something said, this is it. It took me ages to drive to hers (where she's currently staying with her mum over xmas) to tell her.
We still want to be friends, and are going to spend a bit of xmas together at my family. yes it'll be hard but I still care about her and always will. I'm 34, not super young, but 8 years is a significant part of my life.
I still feel **** everyday, causing her so much pain especially at this time of year. But I couldn't face pretending over the xmas period only to do the inevitable afterwards.
If anyone has any advice on staying friends with partners who you ended amicably with, it'll be much appreciated
Merry xmas
Ultimately I do think we have something to look forward to, but it's a challenging time right now in life and I'm desperate to move forward. So there's a big unknown as to whether she will be able to come along and keep up as I massively change my life, or will I need to move on in order to serve my own happiness. Like you say we've had ups and downs but grown apart. Just that I really really feel the need to keep on changing myself and my life and it's hard to do that with another person who isn't changing at the same rate/in the same way.
No idea if I've got any useful advice as I'm also worrying how you take the biggest person in your life for 8 years, and move on without throwing the entire person/relationship away. I still care about her, I have just absolutely run my course in the current path in life.
Bit of a long time lurker in this thread.
Just over a week ago I ended my 8 year relationship with my girlfriend. Yes, not the best timing, but something just triggered that it was time to end. We've been going through ups and downs for a long time, and I felt we were slowly drifting apart - but still clinging onto something, desperately hoping for the best.
She's asked me many times, why now? I and have no idea why, just something said, this is it. It took me ages to drive to hers (where she's currently staying with her mum over xmas) to tell her.
We still want to be friends, and are going to spend a bit of xmas together at my family. yes it'll be hard but I still care about her and always will. I'm 34, not super young, but 8 years is a significant part of my life.
I still feel **** everyday, causing her so much pain especially at this time of year. But I couldn't face pretending over the xmas period only to do the inevitable afterwards.
If anyone has any advice on staying friends with partners who you ended amicably with, it'll be much appreciated
Merry xmas
I'm still friends with my ex, she came over and we got food and watched the new Dexter last week, there's nothing romantically between us even though we still care about each other. I don't think you can do that if there's still romantic feelings from one side or someone is hurt/upset/wants the other person back though.
Soldato
@LuckyBenski wow sorry to have posted that!
The only advice I can give is ask yourself 'can I see myself with her for the rest of my life?' As I assume after 8 years that's where you're thinking this might go.
If you even hesitate, or of course say no, then don't drag it out. Saying what might need to be done will utterly kill you. I does to me still.
My ex (yes it's weird to say that, and as silly as it sounds, after 8 years I often forget when talking to friends etc still) still wants to be in my life, and I still want to be in hers. But establishing boundaries is tough. I'm training for an Ironman in Germany next year, and she wants to be there for me (as she has been with me in previous events and has put up with my training).
It's hard to say no, as I don't want to hurt her more, but I'm very conscious that we need some sort of 'freedom' after our breakup. I've never been in this position before, so I'm really making it up as I go. It's not easy, especially at this time of year.
The only advice I can give is ask yourself 'can I see myself with her for the rest of my life?' As I assume after 8 years that's where you're thinking this might go.
If you even hesitate, or of course say no, then don't drag it out. Saying what might need to be done will utterly kill you. I does to me still.
My ex (yes it's weird to say that, and as silly as it sounds, after 8 years I often forget when talking to friends etc still) still wants to be in my life, and I still want to be in hers. But establishing boundaries is tough. I'm training for an Ironman in Germany next year, and she wants to be there for me (as she has been with me in previous events and has put up with my training).
It's hard to say no, as I don't want to hurt her more, but I'm very conscious that we need some sort of 'freedom' after our breakup. I've never been in this position before, so I'm really making it up as I go. It's not easy, especially at this time of year.
Soldato
Thanks for the post.
She really wanted go and see Matrix 4 together, but reading all the reviews, it seems to be a bit of a miss!
She was over the other day, and said to me later that it was hard to not reach out like she normally would, and try to behave as friends instead of partners. Hopefully that will get easier in time.
Soldato
I think once new partners come along, it's will then become extremely difficult. Imagine trying to explain to a new partner that you're going out to socialise with your ex.. Its a bit weird.
I think you've made the right move if you see yourself changing / growing and can't see them still there at the end.
I think you've made the right move if you see yourself changing / growing and can't see them still there at the end.
Also bear in mind that to find someone that will want to be with you while you constantly change, push, reinvent yourself etc will require immense sacrifice for them, which I imagine is why you want to end things.
Finding a partner willing to make that sacrifice long term is difficult (no matter what they'll tell you) so be prepared to do this all again with the next partner.
Finding a partner willing to make that sacrifice long term is difficult (no matter what they'll tell you) so be prepared to do this all again with the next partner.
Yeah me hanging out with the ex from time to time realistic only works because we're both still single and don't have feelings, if either of those things weren't true it wouldn't work for most people. I wouldn't have my ex over to watch a movie if I had a new girlfriend and I doubt if she had a boyfriend he'd be cool with her coming over.