Family dispute incoming

[dowie]

I think parents shouldn't play favourites with their children and inheritance. Default split should be even unless people agree that more should go to one person to help them out.

Yup, sometimes there's an understandable reason to not have an even split, that's what happened with my mum's sister - she moved in and looked after Nana and so she got the house.

As I said, I want to get to the bottom if why she didn't want to tell me/ has been lying to me. It may be I'll hear things I don't like, but that's life, eh?

I also need to not drop my auntie in it, so need to come up with a reason for bringing it up.

Well, you've clearly brought it up with your mum so no need to mention your aunty.

Just approach it tactfully, probably better to try and resolve it now rather than let any resentment build later. Like it seems there is a reason for her doing it - presumably, you have a house (albeit with a mortgage) and she didn't so, as a worried parent, she's trying to ensure her daughter is taken care of too rather than it being something personal towards yourself.

Potentially a bit of a "girl math" moment though, not considering that a 300k home might be way more than whatever equity you've managed to build up with your mortgage-purchased house.

If you're approaching it from an angle of understanding that she's trying to ensure your sister is taken care of too etc.. then maybe that's less likely to cause further lies/guilt etc.. you perhaps then want to put across that this is a substantial gift and while you're not expecting that suddenly you get some big lump sum too, that they perhaps ought to consult a financial advisor re: the will.

Essentially (especially if your mum isn't too numerate), contact IFA, explain that she wants to split evenly (granted this now becomes slightly subjective) and see how to set up will (accounting for possible IHT too) so as to give you a larger share of the main house and other assets to balance out the very large gift your sister has already received from your mum/her estate (this does count as part of it if she passes within 7 years of the gift). Basically an amount of 300k(or whatever the house value was) + inflation from X year to go to you then rest of the estate split 50/50 would be a fair way to do it.

 

[SuperElectric]

It's interesting that if OP got the house, they'd be the one that was two hours away and unable to help...

Also, if the house is worth 300K and it was sold instead and split equally, 150K each, the OP would have their own house plus 150K which would probably reduce the mortage by a bit, reduced payments, etc. The sister would have 150K which might be enough to buy a 300K house, 50% deposit 50% mortgage. Or it could be easier to just give the sister the house and the OP could get their inheritance later

Do we know if the OP and his sister have any kids? Maybe the sister has more kids, single parent, etc?

 

[Pants]

Because they're siblings And surely they should be treated the same. What good parent would do otherwise and give one £300k without saying so whilst giving the other nothing. How in anyone's world would that not be something the OP should be informed about?

OP does need to get more info first of course as perhaps his mum is ringfencing circa £300k from inheritance, but if she has not done or does not intend to then it's completely normal for OP to be upset/annoyed/angry etc.

If I was the OP and didn't get some damn good answers I think I'd be cutting my relationship with the mum. You shouldn't play favourites with your children.

Edit: just seen OP say will is 50/50, in which case a full on rage is perfectly expected tbh.

Entitled much, Jesus.

 

[SuperElectric]

But a good parent shouldn't favour one over the other. Hopefully a chat between them will get this out in the open. What comes of that chat remains to be seen.

I think most children, once grown, already know if their parents are good or not. "Mom and dad were great for the first 40 years of my life, but the inheritance split didn't quite work out equitably. At least after calculating CGT, IHT, ROI, and don't get me started on opportunity cost....."

 

[Stumble Bum]

Entitled much, Jesus.

Why would expecting siblings to be treated equally and giving communication about big life decisions be entitlement? Are you doing the naive thing of only looking at the money involved? Oh dear.

 

[Mr Badger]

I think most children, once grown, already know if their parents are good or not. "Mom and dad were great for the first 40 years of my life, but the inheritance split didn't quite work out equitably. At least after calculating CGT, IHT, ROI, and don't get me started on opportunity cost....."

You just need to decide what is most important, your parents or the money. Some people clearly value the money more, whereas others would much rather have their parents still with them.

 

[Pants]

Why would expecting siblings to be treated equally and giving communication about big life decisions be entitlement? Are you doing the naive thing of only looking at the money involved? Oh dear.

You think they should cut ties without "damn good answers". That is an entitled attitude.

 

[Stumble Bum]

You think they should cut ties without "damn good answers". That is an entitled attitude.

It's not entitled to expect your own parent to not play favourites and have secrets which the other sibling has also kept. Pretty simple really.

 

[dowie]

You just need to decide what is most important, your parents or the money. Some people clearly value the money more, whereas others would much rather have their parents still with them.

Yeah clearly those are the only two options here, if he so much as brings it up then he instantly loses his mother for good.

 

[Pants]

It's not entitled to expect your own parent to not play favourites and have secrets which the other sibling has also kept. Pretty simple really.

They are all adults, it's not playing favourites.

If there are lies involved then I can see how that is a sore point. I would ask why they felt the need to lie, not why so and so got the £300k asset and I didn't.

 

[Stumble Bum]

They are all adults, it's not playing favourites.

If there are lies involved then I can see how that is a sore point. I would ask why they felt the need to lie, not why so and so got the £300k asset and I didn't.

Giving one a £300k asset and the other so far nothing is not playing favourites? I need a new dictionary then.

 

[Pants]

My position is, that it's none of my ******* business what my parents give anyone. Unless they are being manipulated.

 

[EvilRob]

They are all adults, it's not playing favourites.

If there are lies involved then I can see how that is a sore point. I would ask why they felt the need to lie, not why so and so got the £300k asset and I didn't.

It might well be the same answer.

 

[Pants]

Giving one a £300k asset and the other so far nothing is not playing favourites? I need a new dictionary then.

Well you have no idea to their motive, so no it isn't.

 

[potatolord]

It's interesting that if OP got the house, they'd be the one that was two hours away and unable to help...

Also, if the house is worth 300K and it was sold instead and split equally, 150K each, the OP would have their own house plus 150K which would probably reduce the mortage by a bit, reduced payments, etc. The sister would have 150K which might be enough to buy a 300K house, 50% deposit 50% mortgage. Or it could be easier to just give the sister the house and the OP could get their inheritance later

Do we know if the OP and his sister have any kids? Maybe the sister has more kids, single parent, etc?

I wasn't expecting a free house, or share in one, today. It would have been nice to have been told, or even asked my view.

My sister's has a daughter- about 30 and long gone from home. She was in boarding school until 18, so spent little time there anyway. Both my sister and her husband work.

I have one kid in University, and two in primary school. Me and my wife work.

At a guess, their combined salaries are higher than ours, but I can't be sure.

 

[potatolord]

Yup, sometimes there's an understandable reason to not have an even split, that's what happened with my mum's sister - she moved in and looked after Nana and so she got the house.



Well, you've clearly brought it up with your mum so no need to mention your aunty.

Just approach it tactfully, probably better to try and resolve it now rather than let any resentment build later. Like it seems there is a reason for her doing it - presumably, you have a house (albeit with a mortgage) and she didn't so, as a worried parent, she's trying to ensure her daughter is taken care of too rather than it being something personal towards yourself.

Potentially a bit of a "girl math" moment though, not considering that a 300k home might be way more than whatever equity you've managed to build up with your mortgage-purchased house.

If you're approaching it from an angle of understanding that she's trying to ensure your sister is taken care of too etc.. then maybe that's less likely to cause further lies/guilt etc.. you perhaps then want to put across that this is a substantial gift and while you're not expecting that suddenly you get some big lump sum too, that they perhaps ought to consult a financial advisor re: the will.

Essentially (especially if your mum isn't too numerate), contact IFA, explain that she wants to split evenly (granted this now becomes slightly subjective) and see how to set up will (accounting for possible IHT too) so as to give you a larger share of the main house and other assets to balance out the very large gift your sister has already received from your mum/her estate (this does count as part of it if she passes within 7 years of the gift). Basically an amount of 300k(or whatever the house value was) + inflation from X year to go to you then rest of the estate split 50/50 would be a fair way to do it.

Thanks for the helpful response.

I really don't want to get into the financials with my mum, as it's hassle she doesn't need and I don't want to be "that guy". That house is gone, and I can't do anything about it. I just want to know why she couldn't tell me.

 

[413x]

My position is, that it's none of my ******* business what my parents give anyone. Unless they are being manipulated.

On flip side. It's also perfectly fair in this case for the OP to stop helping out. For the same reason. They are all adults.

If I felt I had been wronged that's what I'd do personally. Be civil about it. But no more helping out. Especially financially.

 

[dowie]

I really don't want to get into the financials with my mum, as it's hassle she doesn't need and I don't want to be "that guy". That house is gone, and I can't do anything about it. I just want to know why she couldn't tell me.

I didn't mean so much get into details more just a suggestion that if the original idea was that you're both treated equally and now this has thrown a spanner in the works that she just sits down with a financial advisor, tells him that's her wish and has him draw it up, taking into account the gift, so it's "equal".

For example, part of why she maybe lied about/didn't want to address it is because it's then complicating things and that's stressed her so she's put it off/avoided telling you... perhaps because she doesn't know what to do. That's a super common reason for people to avoid stuff.

If you're coming from say an understanding pov re: your sister needing a house etc.. then that maybe makes things less stressful for your mum and this possible dilemma. Then you have either acceptance on your part of the 300k asset going to your sister or the possibility of suggesting an impartial third party (IFA) be tasked with sorting it out with the general instruction that she wants a 50/50 split and any problem/dilemma she was worried about gets taken care of.

 

[EvilRob]

If I felt I had been wronged that's what I'd do personally. Be civil about it. But no more helping out. Especially financially.

Kind of understand the point of view, but it also seems quite petty if you do actually love and care about the person. More pragmatically, may lead to the proportion of the remaining estate being inherited going from 50% to 0% for multiple potential reasons.

 

[potatolord]

On flip side. It's also perfectly fair in this case for the OP to stop helping out. For the same reason. They are all adults.

If I felt I had been wronged that's what I'd do personally. Be civil about it. But no more helping out. Especially financially.

Heh, the nuclear option!

Nah, she's my mum, I can't do that.