How To Get Hubby To Pay His Way

booyaka said:
She need to front it up with him - Don't take no for an answer - It needs discussion.

What if she told him she wasn't paying the bills next month - What would he do? She either needs to stand up to him and discuss it like an adult or walk. Doing nothing and expecting things to change is just ridiculous.

Skirting round the issues/trying to be nice about it has long since passed - Front it up, tell him unless he opens up about it, whatever the issues are, then if nothing comes of it - she needs to walk for her own sake.
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I agree with you.
 
subbytna said:
Gambling addiction is my best thought. Covering up the fact he has no money each month due to spending his pay on the day he gets paid.
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I actually think he is either massively in debt or he is saving in the event they break up. I just can't believe there is no money though. He charges £200+VAT a day for his services. That's one hell of a debt or a lot of saving. But to say you have no money is just plain ridiculous. Although I admit I am not entirely sure I trust his quotations. There are some signs that he is not at all accurate with his quotes and keeps losing out.
 
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SpellowHouse said:
I agree with you.
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I doubt you can influence her. When people are stuck in their ways they just bury thier head. In guilty as much as anyone.

Must be sad seeing this from your perspective. Only your sister can instigate change. And just doesn't seem like she has it in her.
SpellowHouse said:
I actually think he is either massively in debt or he is saving in the event they break up. I just can't believe there is no money though. He charges £200+VAT a day for his services. That's one hell of a debt or a lot of saving. But to say you have no money is just plain ridiculous.
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Could be right.
He could be saving up and basically living for free. Just getting ready to leave. He might even try his luck at getting something out of the divorce. Really. It's win win for him and lose lose for her.

If I had no costs I could save a damn lot of cash!

I'm guessing he's saving 100s a month at the least. Possibly up to 1k?
 
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I've worked with people who've spent £1k a DAY or more, gambling. It's the high earners who have most to lose. I'm still going to say that I think gambling may have a hold on him, classic situation that I've seen a load of times before.

No money as it has all been spent on the roulette table. Unable to help with bills as there's nothing to give, secretive about money, lying about funds, diversion tactics (shouting or arguing) to avoid talking about it as he doesn't want to get caught being a compulsive gambler, etc.
 
mid_gen said:
Refusing to make any contribution to their finances is not 'nice guy' behaviour.

It's ****head/gambling addict behaviour.
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How can you be a nice guy and completely **** over your wife? That's not nice in any way. Casual small talk nice vs. being a sly degenerate with extremely poor morals and zero accountability . Yea, seems like a nice guy. 10/10

I place bets on coke head/ bookies as well tbf - known a lot of tradies and it seems to be something that runs with it. Not to a point of this level, but at some level.
 
dLockers said:
OK so don't argue he'll get nothing then, fair?

OP is just sticking his nose in where it doesn't belong.

Also, why the hell are we even posting in this thread - this is like peak mum's net.
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:rolleyes: I've no words that probably wouldn't be construde as a personal attack tbh. May I suggest you engage brain before responding?

OP was asked for advice by his sibling, so not sticking his nose in, his nose was requested by the interested party. OP doesn't have the right answers so turned to his peers for that advice, what's "peak mumsnet" about that?
 
john_smith said:
Ditto. We have 1 bucket of money, everything goes into it. We both take out of it.

Simple system and it's worked for 20+ years now.
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Mine and the Mrs' income goes in one pot. Outgoings (bills, housekeeping etc) are taken out and the remainder split equally. I earn more than her but no issues with the 50/50 split. She does most of the housekeeping as she works part time and I work full time so I see that as fair.
 
Surprised nobody has suggested he has a mini housing empire, doing places up to sell and/or rent, given bloke is a builder.

But there could be all sorts of reasons, seems very odd not to have had an open discussion about total income between them and split the outgoings.
 
I am not sure but this might amount to financial/economical abuse, however i am not sure if it could come across as that as it sounds like she has facilitated it and not addressed the situation. I would get her to contact some of the charities set up for things like this.

I really wish these were available when my friend was in this situation with here controlling all the finances and not giving him access or information about what they even had in the bank (She had squirreled away about 100K and then ended up cheating on him so he filed for divorce)
 
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I think she should murder him and put him under the patio. Sounds like there is no evidence he ever lived there anyway.

"I do not know who you are talking about, I have always lived here on my own"

If I was a betting man he has some sort of gambling problem or isn't working anything like as much as she thinks he is and a very obvious metric for how much you are working is money. Hide that and you can hide quite a lot else.
 
SpellowHouse said:
He's a really nice guy. Just refuses to be straight with the finances.
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Pretty sure most people could manage to come across as a "nice guy" to stay in such a cushy position!

Honestly, whilst she may wish to "stick her head in the sand" at the moment, your sister needs to seriously consider where this is likely to go in the future:

Best case scenario - he suddenly decides to do the right thing and pay his way, but lets be honest, this is very unlikely to happen.
Realistic best case scenario, the status quo is maintained; they stay together and she continues paying the bills while he continues to freeload.
Not quite so good scenarios:
  • He has another family/bit on the side, he's paying for them and/or saving to leave her
  • Some kind of addiction, e.g. gambling/drugs/alcohol (most likely gambling since I assume she would have noticed at least some kind of behavioural changes if he was drunk/high all the time). This could end very badly if he starts doing things like taking out credit cards, loans, mortgage etc. (if he hasn't already) and could ultimately result in losing the house, regardless of who has been paying the bills.

It might hurt & be difficult to have it out with him now - and one of the above scenarios may still play out (e.g. he's just milking it as long as can while saving, and when she puts her foot down he's gone), but the sooner it's nipped in the bud the better. She really doesn't want bailiffs knocking on the door to evict them to be the first she finds out about it if the house gets repossessed!
 
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SpellowHouse said:
He's a really nice guy. Just refuses to be straight with the finances.
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Yeh, he is not a nice guy then.

It always astonishes me what some people are able to get away with, and still somehow have their partners think they are the best thing since sliced bread.

I guess it is just hard for anyone to admit they were wrong about someone, even if they objectively are.
 
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