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News on Wife (reason for being away for a day)

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Calranthe, Nov 13, 2018.

  1. Marvt74


    Joined: Feb 20, 2004

    Posts: 12,425

    Location: Higher Walton

    I believe he mentioned earlier in the thread that he had a dog (possibly 2?) who he clearly has a lot of affection for. Hopefully his current condition allows him to continue to look after them.
  2. andicole0


    Joined: Sep 12, 2005

    Posts: 5,947

    Location: Robertsbridge

    Might find a cat or two easier to look after during the exhausted times and they won't mind being ignored so much.
  3. Scania


    Joined: Nov 25, 2004

    Posts: 23,229

    Location: On the road....

    Ah, my bad, I must have missed that, I’m assuming he gets out with them, if so continue to do so.
  4. Calranthe

    Man of Honour

    Joined: Oct 5, 2007

    Posts: 532

    Okay lets break this all down because people still don't get it.

    1)Yes I have two dogs a terrier and a staffie, I love them dearly, we don't go out walks but have two large back gardens for them to play in and they run each other ragged up and down the stairs (I am just not up to walking even myself let alone my dogs)

    2)Remember I spent 20 years making sure Paola had the best entertainment systems, we have an Xbox one X. with gamepass and ultimate edition Forza Horizons 4 two controllers connected to a 4k 55" TV and both me and Paola used to play it together, I can't even turn it on now, the last car Paola drove was an old Jag and its still sitting there, I can't even touch that console without shaking and falling apart.

    3)I have a Playstation 4, we were slowly playing through persona 5 together, I can't turn that on either.

    4)We have a Raspberry Pi 3+B setup for Megadrive, Amiga, Master System and Original Space invaders hooked into a 47" TV, you guessed it, every time I even think of turning it on I start crying.

    5)297 TV series (all owned and paid for transferred to HD) from original series Flash gordon, space 1999, Black Books, Black adder, Red Dwarf, Dr Who (old series), AutoMan, Streethawk, Airwolf..

    6)4700 B movies from the 50's to the 90's mostly Science fiction or horror also every single newer movie from Hobbit to Infinity wars to Dead pool 2 and Solo

    7)Virtual Reality, Oculus Rift with 3 sensors for room scale hooked into a 4690k 1070 system, HTC Vive Pro hooked into a 6700k EVGA 1080ti system.

    7)Dual steam clients with over 1,200 games between them.

    Those even suggesting I get out have absolutely no clue of my situation, let me put in perspective, when I put my situation in detail to both Samaritans psyche evaluation and the therapist I have been assigned, no one has any answers, ADHD+Schizotypal+grief+bowel cancer+no family+no close friends+no children puts you in a dark place you may never get out of and if I do it will be through a monumental battle of will with myself every day for the rest of my life and for what?.

    As I said what would really help is a few friends, come over once a week once I'm feeling better, we can watch movies, we can VR we can play Forza, I will even provide food and drink and once the weather gets a little better BBQ is on the cards, you will find me a pretty cool host.

    That is what is missing, I need to restart using all this entertainment equipment for the reason it was meant for, I want to watch people playing superhot and falling on there ass, I want to look ridiculous fighting off zombies.

    But I don't want to do it alone.

    Do not tell me that staying in and gaming is unhealthy that is pseudo healthline ******** lack of friends lack of company THAT is unhealthy, but how does someone like me find people willing to pop over for a blast, that's the issue.

    Its icy outside, I can't chance going for walks outside, if I fell over and pulled the wound or damaged the colon it would be REALLY bad, for the next 8 weeks I am not allowed to lift anything beyond an 4lb shopping bag.

    So gaming and VR, (I just updated my SkyrimVR) Natural locomotion software walking/jogging on the spot and exploring Skyrim, is actually really good exercise.
  5. Housey

    Man of Honour

    Joined: Feb 21, 2006

    Posts: 26,555

    The vast majority of people on this forum have no idea what such a medical battle does to you, to those around you, to your mental state. Then you add in the death of the person who you have supported for 21 years and in turn who has supported you, it must be awful on a level few can comprehend. Coming into this thread and throwing assertions as people have done or questioning aspects of your current situation, such as walking dogs, is not appropriate in this particular thread IMHO. It isn't about right and wrong or how strong you feel the need to debate and argue, it's about showing some dignity for a forum member facing a battle.

    I know it's what makes this forum tick, but I think you need to walk in the shoes (hopefully never) or know about mental health to fully appreciate that. Death is a thing you don't fear....until it enters your life and right there, at that moment, you realise the sheer power of it's evil on your mental state. Just think about that.

    @Calranthe if it helps you to vent then fill your boots, but my advice is don't stress about it. NO ONE here matters, but know many understand your situation and I am sure all wish you the best in your battle to be better, which can and I hope will happen.
  6. Ayahuasca


    Joined: Apr 23, 2014

    Posts: 18,710

    Location: County Durham

    There is no right or wrong way to continue living your life (outside of the obvious do's and don'ts). There are very few people who experience that kind of stress, loss and personal health issues in such a short space of time.

    It's good that you are already looking at what can be done to improve your situation going forward, not only that you are looking at getting other people involved in something that could potentially improve their world.

    I've never used it before but meetup.com could be a good start for the gaming/VR gathering.
  7. dowie


    Joined: Jan 29, 2008

    Posts: 39,721

    ^^^ I'd second this, it covers loads of things from networking events to hobbies/interests (a friend of mine even runs a business that pretty much grew from a meet up event). I guess it is perhaps location dependent? But hopefully there would be some sort of gaming meet up near where you live OP. There are certainly more traditional, non-computer gaming related things on there like poker, dungeons and dragons etc...

    One thing you could do, if there isn't already one, is to start one! If there is some interest from gamers who live locally to you then you get to host it and perhaps turn it into a regular monthly meetup. :)

    Also, in the meantime, not sure if @Diddums still does this but he was previously organising some regular Friday night online GTAV game and seemed to be looking for other gamers a few months ago:

  8. Diddums


    Joined: Oct 24, 2012

    Posts: 18,281

    Location: London

    @Calranthe it's funny @dowie mentions it as we have a race night this Friday, the first in months. Not only that but we are the best ps4 community in the world (seriously, no jokes, I've tried every other one on the planet to confirm).

    Have a look here:


    Say hello on our forum in the introductions section and come play some games with us. Our PC side is also growing nicely (we hand pick members, no riffraff, that's why @dowie doesn't play with us). We're all friendly and enjoy gaming and a laugh. We rarely care about success so if you suck you suck (no jokes, these guys had a shirt made with my name on it and "Guardian Down" because I fail so badly at raiding on Destiny).

    Hop in, say hi and take your mind off things for a bit :)
  9. Bengaboy


    Joined: Sep 1, 2007

    Posts: 3,863

    I have been reading your story and it indeed is truly awful. I am sorry for both your loss and your medical condition. I really cannot imagine how you feel.

    The only thing I can think of which may be a bit of an escape, is potentially pursuing further education of some sort, such as a degree?

    I am studying towards a degree and constantly have my mind on it - it requires a lot of time, and you can do it (for the most part) wherever you are. Whether that is in the hospital, or at home.

    Obviously the first thing I can suggest is gaming if you are a gamer. However, that clearly doesn't work at the moment as it reminds you of the person you lost.

    Going back to the education route - I seem to remember you being a master, even to the hospital staff, regarding setting up the machines for your wife. Could you not transfer those skills to a qualification that could help out people that was in the same position, thus easing the burden for them and their families? The other plus, is that you can meet people through University (on Facebook groups, or face to face) and have another outlet to meet people.
  10. Calranthe

    Man of Honour

    Joined: Oct 5, 2007

    Posts: 532

    All interesting ideas, I will look into them, I went for a walk today, I am shattered now.
  11. Psymonkee


    Joined: Feb 24, 2004

    Posts: 13,708

    Location: St.Andrews

    I think i mentioned it previously but when you feel more up to it a board game club might be good for socialising :)

    Also possibly consider donations of any game systems you don't way want anymore to a children's hospital or similar?
  12. Shure

    Wise Guy

    Joined: Jan 13, 2004

    Posts: 1,143

    I think it's actually quite harsh calling people pond life when this is quite a strange story.
    I guess people are different but I and I'm sure plenty of others wouldn't think to ask to loan a laptop from a business when clearly disposable income isn't an issue with all of the kit he has at his disposal.
    I'm not meaning to be harsh or insensitive but it just doesn't sound right.
  13. Calranthe

    Man of Honour

    Joined: Oct 5, 2007

    Posts: 532

    To get the laptop for future hospital time I had to sell items online, the specific items are a samsung tablet and phone that were my wifes (no need to keep them). I have NO disposable income and it will take months to pay back the cards, but those months I will be spending in hospital and the laptop is far more important.

    I have been completely open about my situation, I explained in this and other threads, I gave up my career 21 years ago to look after my wife, the ONLY income was disability + basic benefits, the ONLY reason it looks like we have good equipment is, no rent, no car, no smoking, no drinking, no parties, no nights out, you will find that if you budget well that allows for what become necessities, a living room turned into a bedroom (a forum member has actually visited) a 55" screen to allow my wife while she was alive to see the screen from her chair as if viewing a 28" monitor.

    Gaming consoles and items that to many would be a luxury were needed to have any kind of life.

    It may sound strange to you to ask a company who in Bailey's own words "if you need anything just ask" just the same a lot of members of this forum offered the same.

    Now as if this is unusual ?

    I just thought a company like Overclockers might have an old laptop hanging around I could loan for a few days in hospital, was that really so wrong ?

    After all before Paola got ill I worked in a local computer shop, not a big place but we had spares and often helped out needy people, we actually put together computers with parts that were returns and below spec for anything we sold and just gave the computers out to needy families in the area.

    So from my point of view what I asked was nothing strange.

    Kinda glad I live in my world not your's Shure.

    Because in my world after Paola died, I gave away freely all of my wife's hundreds of pounds of crafting equipment and supplies because that was the right thing to do and would have made her happy.
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2019
  14. faceman123

    Wise Guy

    Joined: Jun 9, 2011

    Posts: 1,594

    My mum's going through this and it's a struggle for me mentally. All the best to you man, if you ever wanna chat pm me
  15. dirtychinchilla


    Joined: May 2, 2011

    Posts: 8,817

    Location: Woking, Surrey

    All well wishes and respect to you, but I don't understand why you keep writing these tirades about how many different bits of tech you have. I'm not sure that anyone wants to know five times over that you have 297 TV series (why even bother paying for them btw??).
  16. Calranthe

    Man of Honour

    Joined: Oct 5, 2007

    Posts: 532

    Why not pay for them? (people keep offering advice on what to do with my time, suggestions of get yourself a console, do this do that).
    Over the years we bought the series so we always had access to them it is amazing the rewatchability of some of these series and once you own them then you do not need to base your media on TV or Internet or streaming.

    Hook those TV series into Plex, setup a nice media server with 28TB of stuff and every tablet, computer and phone either in house or hospital means you can watch your favourite series or movie any time day or night, remember when you are stuck in a house 24/7 when at 3am you need something to distract you, you can hope that something is on the channels or you can watch any series any program any film you want from your own library.

    We also had this weird idea that if we liked something we bought it, we both loved Red dwarf so why not own all the series, we both love futurama why not own the series.
  17. JBuk


    Joined: Nov 28, 2002

    Posts: 10,833

    Location: Cumbria

    You don’t need to justify yourself to anyone

    It’s a shame that instead of some people being supportive they feel the need to be negative despite you already having a tougher time than most people would ever experience in their lifetime

    Kindness doesn’t cost anything and if people have nothing good to say then sometimes it’s better just to not say anything at all, this is one of those occasions
  18. Dave85


    Joined: Jan 18, 2004

    Posts: 8,388

    Location: Sunny Scotland

    Makes me really sad to see how this thread has gone on when he just needed someone to chat to and maybe vent to about his situation. I'm just finishing my second placement in a hospital ward and its unbelievably boring to be trapped in as a patient so I totally get where he was coming from with the laptop issue. You can't always just get out the ward to sell some stuff so he reached out. Calranthe as always feel free to drop me an email and will do my best to reply.
  19. Calranthe

    Man of Honour

    Joined: Oct 5, 2007

    Posts: 532

    Well I got to test out my laptop last night, I had an issue and because it was within a week I got fast tracked back to the SAU ward (Surgical assessment Unit) it was a non issue but I got there at 9pm the Consult on call had just been called into theatre so it was 5am before I got seen, took the laptop with me, played some AC Odyssey, watched some Netflix and all in all the time passed okay, came home and slept most of the day.

    I am 6ft 2 and most hospital beds are short on me, that plus the surgery means its very hard to sleep in an unknown bed especially with all the noise that goes on, one important point is off mains power playing AC:O the batteries were down to 33%, once I stopped gaming and started watching netflix that 33% left extended to another 3 hours, (yes there was a plug socket for us but it was a good test).

    As for those being negative and cynical thank fully they are in the minority and I just hope none of them face anything like this myself, its not something I would wish on anyone, its not something that you can teach people although if we could then more people would make more of what they have and be nicer to others.

    We are all humans, we all have feelings, we all have loves and bad things can happen to anyone at any time, I hope you all have amazing long life's filled with happiness and love, I hope you get to spend all your time with those you care for and that you make sure those that matter know it.

    No body expects illness, cancer, death, no one is better setup to cope, no one can tell you how it will feel and you will get people who haven't faced it telling you "time will heal" or "it will get better", I've talked to widows who thirty years later are still in pain from loss as if it happened yesterday.

    I don't know what my future holds, I'm taking one day at a time, I'm listening to audio books (monster hunter international atm then I plan on the Dresden files), I distract myself with games for a little while, I try to plan for a future and I spend hours talking to my Wife as I look at her picture while crying.

    The thing is rationally I know what happened was for the best, She fought for 21 years, things were getting worse, she couldn't eat without choking, even though the dialysis was working it was flushing out the medication that kept the cancer away, she only had 14% of her heart still working, she felt no pain at the end and died playing her favourite game and listening to music with just a "my chest feels funny" moment she knew I love her and was smiling and laughing that last hour with the nurses.

    There is far worse ways she could have gone far worse I saw some of them.

    And then there is my illness, no way I could have gone through with the bowel surgery if she was still around, so yes I know it was the best way for her to go ever (if you ever have someone really ill in your life, in pain and you can't make it better, that moment you hope they die in there sleep all peaceful like, you will know what I mean) she never had to know I had cancer, she never had to worry about me.

    Even though I know damn well it was for the best I've lost my reason for living and i'm scrambling to find a new one.
  20. Calranthe

    Man of Honour

    Joined: Oct 5, 2007

    Posts: 532

    Tomorrow is when I find out the prognosis, since my operation on the 3rd tests were run on what was removed, they will have checked for type and stage, whether it breached the bowels and if the lymph glands were affected, I will know how much chemotherapy and what other treatments will be needed, wound is healing okay, still painful but okay.

    I will let everyone know after the appointment.