News on Wife (reason for being away for a day)

@Calranthe Hey Buddy,

Been following your thread as much as I can and am hoping the ct results come back all clear... you really don't deserve anymore ****!

The meet up sounds like it was great fun, how you getting on otherwise?
 
Vidar said:
@Calranthe Hey Buddy,

Been following your thread as much as I can and am hoping the ct results come back all clear... you really don't deserve anymore ****!

The meet up sounds like it was great fun, how you getting on otherwise?
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PET scan was this morning, yay I'm slightly radioactive at the moment, I'm not doing to well sadly, I am keeping myself distracted but that is all it is, distractions, nothing really gives me joy or happiness, still not doing anything for me beyond the "I should eat 3 times a day" "I should sleep" "I should log on the computer" schedule type things to keep me occupied.

If anything its getting worse, yes i'm in touch with people trying to help but there may just be no help on this one, I keep saying it but it is so hard for people to comprehend spending 21 years with someone with no down time, no hobby outside each other, no friends no career, completely immersed in that one person sharing everything, to put it in perspective 24 hours after we met we shared everything, we talked for 13 hours every dream we had, every problem and insecurity, hell we even talked about our darkest fantasies and desires, no secrets in 21 years not one 24/7 together.

And then its gone in an instant, it isn't that I am defeatist or anything else, you see it sometimes, Look at how after Johny cash died how long it took for his other half to pass it happens a lot for those few who are two people completely part of one and no one can fix it.

All those things that I loved and enjoyed before she was gone are now empty.

So I distract myself, I keep myself busy but you can't do that 100% of the time.

But I'm not going to do anything silly, I'm still taking it one day at a time.

Who knows maybe some irony will happen like me winning the lottery and I can distract myself very well for the next 10-30 years.
 
Have you been to your doctor to ask for some extra help/support? It sounds like you're struggling and bit, and that's ok. They have lots of ideas and ways to signpost but sometimes you've got to make the first move.

If i've missed something in this thread and suggesting something you've already done, then apologies.
 
TriedandTested said:
Have you been to your doctor to ask for some extra help/support? It sounds like you're struggling and bit, and that's ok. They have lots of ideas and ways to signpost but sometimes you've got to make the first move.

If i've missed something in this thread and suggesting something you've already done, then apologies.
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Yes I have help and support, I am seen my a senior psychologist, a bereavement councillor even the Samaritans ring me up (yes they have a scheduled call to me once a week on sunday to check on me) and check on me but it just may be that nothing can be done or fixed on this.

You hear it in there voice when your speaking to them, 21 years carer, reactive depression, somewhere on the autism scale, AdHD, loss of Wife, no children, no career, no anchor to keep him stable, Bowel cancer hanging over his head and his mother in the late stages of early onset Dementia who could die any time.

Do you know in the whole of Staffordshire, including Stoke on Trent we only have 4 primary care mental health professionals to cover it all and if you are not diagnosed with ADHD or Autism as a child your treatment consists of "you managed to survive this long by yourself by limiting yourself lets continue with that"

tick tick tick boom!

It is so far beyond what most people deal with that most care professionals are out of depth.

Funny thing is this is how it usually goes "I explain from the start that I am considering ending it all and even planned it out in a way that will do the least harm to anyone else" (yes even my GP knows) after I go into depth about what I have dealt with and what I am dealing with they usually admit its a rational almost logical consideration.

And something I've been keeping to myself if once I got back from surgery I had to throw out my bed, laying in a bed causes me to have flashbacks of seeing my Wife die, I sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor which seems to help but does mean I do not get the best of nights sleep.

I am so messed up its beyond even the norm.

So I just take one day at a time.
 
Calranthe said:
Funny thing is this is how it usually goes "I explain from the start that I am considering ending it all and even planned it out in a way that will do the least harm to anyone else" (yes even my GP knows) after I go into depth about what I have dealt with and what I am dealing with they usually admit its a rational almost logical consideration.
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I get your pov - if life was a product I'd definitely sack the marketing department! I just think one day, with the tiniest bit of luck, I might be sat on a sunny day by a lake throwing a stick for a dog.

It isn't most peoples dream, but it'd be quite nice, and I'd hate to miss it.
 
I think it's a great idea to put together a 'this is your life' kind of tribute. Stories and pictures of her and also your time together.

I've only got a rough idea of the kind of despair you must be feeling right now, you're definitely stronger than you think.
 
I am expecting the worst, I am expecting it to be cancer in my lungs, I am expecting surgery and chemo with all the side effects and dangers for one simple reason.

If I go into that meeting on Wednesday to find out the results expecting to come out fine expecting the best possible result and it doesn't happen it will break me completely, it will be the final straw after all that has happened, but if I go in expecting the worst prepared for the worst and it is then I will be able to handle it far better than if not.

The plus side is if it turns out to be just a shadow on the second CT or an infection the well lets just say I could handle that kind of surprise happily.
 
It is the one complaint I have with the support staff, they are so focused on the positive attitude that anyone getting a bad result after being built up so much is wrecked by it.
 
Calranthe said:
It is the one complaint I have with the support staff, they are so focused on the positive attitude that anyone getting a bad result after being built up so much is wrecked by it.
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I know what you’re going through. You may have seen my thread, but I’m also awaiting results of a CT scan that pretty much could decide whether I live or die. In my case it’s whether or not my liver is healthy enough for a heart transplant. Really scary times. I’m also preparing myself for the worst news.

I really hope you get the results you are hoping for.
 
Calranthe, robfosters,

Hearing about the battles you are both facing is awful. The courage you both show is admirable.

Tonight I played tennis with my 11 year old lad, at the end I hugged him and told him how much I enjoyed playing tennis with him. It was a great father/son moment.

Your collective courage made me appreciate it even more. Thank you for sharing your lives and helping me appreciate mine all the more.
 
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