News on Wife (reason for being away for a day)

I wouldn't usually post in a thread like this; it's not easy to convey an expression of sympathy through text alone. With that in mind, I'll just say the following - You have my admiration, respect and condolences.
 
I have never experienced grief before, I think that I was too young when my Dad died, those five letters do not explain what it feels like, you feel fuzzy and disconnected, its like someone turned down the colour setting on your monitor until everything looks washed out and faded.

It really does not matter that you think it could happen, that you plan for it, no one who has not lost someone close can understand and I am so happy for those that can't, Nothing you do feels right, nothing feels like it did.

I saw my Doctor and I continued to sort stuff in the house.

Very weird.
 
Ive just caught up on here, im so sorry to read of your loss. Im sure that you are all over the place but please remember that this is ok, its important to go through the natural process of this and not hold back. Stay strong buddy and think of the good times as much as you can. You are a great example of a selfless human being and a good person that gave so much of his life for another.

Im sure she would want you to live yours to the best of your ability when those deep wounds heal mate.
 
You'll continue to feel like that for a while, I remember having to travel down to my sisters in Norfolk as that's where it had happened and I needed to bring his birth certificate for something. I can't remember which I'd gone along with my mum to do some official stuff and afterwards the family met up at the shopping centre to get some food or something. I remember being stood there with people going about their daily business with Christmas music blaring away and almost wanting to be angry that everyone else in the world seemed happy but feeling like I was looking at the world through the bottom of glass coke bottle. It is very weird.

I promise though that eventually things do come back into focus and start to feel normal again, you won't even realise it's happening at first. The funny thing is even after 15 years if I woke up in the morning and heard him whistling his head off or beating eggs with a bread knife in his manky old plastic jug I wouldn't be in the least bit surprised. I know it sounds cliched but it's the good stuff like that which really stays with you and gets you through it.
 
Thank you, reading all these replies do help, If it wasn't for my time on this website and people I know on steam, I would feel utterly alone, you know what I really miss at the moment?

All the care professionals that used to visit me and Paola, sometimes 5-10 visits a day, yes they were doing a job but you had someone to talk to, someone to connect with.
 
I forced myself to play a computer game last night, Assassin's Creed Origins, I promised myself I will complete it because Paola bought me Assassin's Creed Oddest for my birthday on the 17th, she also pre ordered Just cause 4 for me.
 
Thats cool, keep occupied, little goals like that, little sentimental things. I'm sure she'd want you to enjoy yourself now and carry on with those games she bought you. :)
 
You can and should feel proud for everything you both achieved over the past 20 years. Many would have thrown the towel in long before those years hit double digits let alone two decades.

Whatever comes next, make it positive. Your life will be so much different and that's daugnting and you'll have selfish thoughts along with sad ones; but everything you have achieved and learnt from your years with Paola should shape you in a positive way for the furture and she'll always be an influence on your life. You're allowed to be happy and you deserve it, never forget that.

Hope you and the dogs find your routine and keep well. Don't stress about things too much, as you well know life is too short. Start making lists of thing you would like to achieve, big or small, get outside and get exercise as that will keep you focussed plus you've always got the community to help you with any particulars that crop up. One more thing too; do not be afraid to seek professional help if you ever feel life is out of your control.

Thanks for sharing your story with us, forum Man of Honor 2018 just for sharing it.
 
I know I need to take time for myself but being constructive makes me feel a little less numb
Well financial situation is looking better, I have 12,000 debt not 20k, cancelled both credit cards in Paola's name so they are a null issue, restructured 2 of my cards and debt.
So financially I will be okay, that is a load I do not have to worry about.

Tomorrow we go to pick up the death certificate.

I really do appreciated all the offers of support and ideas, I am still out of it sort of bouncing from place to place but I will be taking you all up on the offers.

Thank you.
 
Calranthe said:
I know I need to take time for myself but being constructive makes me feel a little less numb
Well financial situation is looking better, I have 12,000 debt not 20k, cancelled both credit cards in Paola's name so they are a null issue, restructured 2 of my cards and debt.
So financially I will be okay, that is a load I do not have to worry about.

Tomorrow we go to pick up the death certificate.

I really do appreciated all the offers of support and ideas, I am still out of it sort of bouncing from place to place but I will be taking you all up on the offers.

Thank you.
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I'm glad you are on top of the financial issues, at least it won't cause you further stress. If you need any help or a second opinion then feel free to contact me via trust.
 
I have a budget of around £130 stretch to £150 for a thermal hoodie that the zip doesn't break in a month and a pair of boots/shoes for the winter (I am going to start walking the Dogs a lot) any suggestions.
 
My condolences Calranthe. Paola knew she was loved, and you did everything to make your time together as happy as it could be. What you did for her, to change the trajectory of your life to make her happy and safe was an immense act of love, day in and day out. One day I hope you'll be able to look back and remember all the good times you spent with her, not just the shock you have now.

You've lost not just her, but your identity as the person who cared for her, spent time with her, shared her hobbies and gave her the maximum quality of life she could have. You don't get over those losses, but you learn how to live with them and go on. Be strong, because she'd want that for you.
 
Steampunk said:
My condolences Calranthe. Paola knew she was loved, and you did everything to make your time together as happy as it could be. What you did for her, to change the trajectory of your life to make her happy and safe was an immense act of love, day in and day out. One day I hope you'll be able to look back and remember all the good times you spent with her, not just the shock you have now.

You've lost not just her, but your identity as the person who cared for her, spent time with her, shared her hobbies and gave her the maximum quality of life she could have. You don't get over those losses, but you learn how to live with them and go on. Be strong, because she'd want that for you.
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You are right, everything was driven by a need to make her smile, we never waited for holidays or birthdays, we had no need of valentines day, every day mattered and I find that everything that I do now without her feels wrong and I just want her opinion or smile on something, I watch an episode of Flash and she isn't there to discuss it with, I cook a meal and I can't ask her what she thought of it.
 
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