OcUK Dadsnet thread

[Haggisman]

This question is more aimed at the dad's and the mums but how many of you have experienced long term sexual rejection from your partner's since having children? I have struggled with my wife now for years and it double downed after the second was born 5 years ago.

It's heartbreaking to be frank, especially when you have tried everything to resolve any potential health or any unfair responsibilities around the house.

I share your pain Every 6 weeks is "good going" at the moment

It's very difficult not to take it personally, and while obviously none of us here know the details of your relationship, chances are it's nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the kids. Have to keep reminding myself of that when it gets difficult - you can sort of understand why so many people who are in otherwise happy relationships & with kids have affairs, because the constant rejection just makes you feel completely unwanted, and you start developing the mindset of "well if you don't want me, then maybe someone else will"

However:

This ^^^
Another option is a couple weekend away.

Is definitely the way to go. We went away for a few days at a nice spa hotel in May and lets just say quite a lot of it was spent in the hotel room

Obviously it depends on if you have a trustworthy babysitter for a few days - the only person we trust is my mum, who lives 200 miles away and has a very busy diary, so unfortunately it's a rare occasion! Thankfully our eldest will be old enough in the next couple of years we can trust him to look after the youngest for a couple of hours in the evening so we can go out for meals etc.

 

[azazl187]

I share your pain Every 6 weeks is "good going" at the moment

It's very difficult not to take it personally, and while obviously none of us here know the details of your relationship, chances are it's nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the kids. Have to keep reminding myself of that when it gets difficult - you can sort of understand why so many people who are in otherwise happy relationships & with kids have affairs, because the constant rejection just makes you feel completely unwanted, and you start developing the mindset of "well if you don't want me, then maybe someone else will"

However:



Is definitely the way to go. We went away for a few days at a nice spa hotel in May and lets just say quite a lot of it was spent in the hotel room

Obviously it depends on if you have a trustworthy babysitter for a few days - the only person we trust is my mum, who lives 200 miles away and has a very busy diary, so unfortunately it's a rare occasion! Thankfully our eldest will be old enough in the next couple of years we can trust him to look after the youngest for a couple of hours in the evening so we can go out for meals etc.

That's great and I also have done the "weekend away " away thing. The only problem with that is that she is still not up for it even then. We had a big talk about it last night and have put next steps in place but I feel that if it's not resolved in 6 months to a year I may walk. It sounds harsh but when you have been dealing with years of the rejection you start to get anxiety issues and all sorts

 

[Haggisman]

That's great and I also have done the "weekend away " away thing. The only problem with that is that she is still not up for it even then. We had a big talk about it last night and have put next steps in place but I feel that if it's not resolved in 6 months to a year I may walk. It sounds harsh but when you have been dealing with years of the rejection you start to get anxiety issues and all sorts

Yeah, absolutely - not going to judge as I've been in your position and can completely understand. It's an impossible scenario really - a very fine balancing act between doing what's best for the kids and looking after yourself, because no matter how many sacrifices you're willing to make for them, everyone eventually has a breaking point.

I've been cutting my other half some slack recently as she suffers from depression, lost her dad last year, and started a new job with awkward shifts, but starting to resent the fact that I'm basically doing all the childcare, housework, cooking, playing taxi, sorting out all the bills, while still working full time, and she will occasionally wash some dishes. Yes she contributes financially, but at the moment that's about it. Essentially feels like I'm a single dad with a lodger

I did start looking into some couple's counselling last year, but that was just before her dad passed, so it got put on hold, but I think it's time to start looking into it again

 

[azazl187]

Yeah, absolutely - not going to judge as I've been in your position and can completely understand. It's an impossible scenario really - a very fine balancing act between doing what's best for the kids and looking after yourself, because no matter how many sacrifices you're willing to make for them, everyone eventually has a breaking point.

I've been cutting my other half some slack recently as she suffers from depression, lost her dad last year, and started a new job with awkward shifts, but starting to resent the fact that I'm basically doing all the childcare, housework, cooking, playing taxi, sorting out all the bills, while still working full time, and she will occasionally wash some dishes. Yes she contributes financially, but at the moment that's about it. Essentially feels like I'm a single dad with a lodger

I did start looking into some couple's counselling last year, but that was just before her dad passed, so it got put on hold, but I think it's time to start looking into it again

Yea that's not good. You need to have a word

 

[theone8181]

Yeah, absolutely - not going to judge as I've been in your position and can completely understand. It's an impossible scenario really - a very fine balancing act between doing what's best for the kids and looking after yourself, because no matter how many sacrifices you're willing to make for them, everyone eventually has a breaking point.

I've been cutting my other half some slack recently as she suffers from depression, lost her dad last year, and started a new job with awkward shifts, but starting to resent the fact that I'm basically doing all the childcare, housework, cooking, playing taxi, sorting out all the bills, while still working full time, and she will occasionally wash some dishes. Yes she contributes financially, but at the moment that's about it. Essentially feels like I'm a single dad with a lodger

I did start looking into some couple's counselling last year, but that was just before her dad passed, so it got put on hold, but I think it's time to start looking into it again

Sounds like role-playing can be used. "I've come to collect the rent" cue dodgy 70s porn music (tash optional) . I find it frustrating as my Mrs seems to have lost her libido since having kids, I'm concerned it went down the back of the previous sofa and that's why she can't find it. It doesn't help that she's overweight but doesn't seem to make any effort.

 

[Noughtboy]

It's absolutely not a new trend

Especially in the NVQ / apprenticeship arena as those roles typically attract the more educationally-challenged end of the spectrum. Apprentices aren't much more than paid slave-labour anyway, so not sure how you can expect much better

You can't really compare apprentices at a car garage to apprentices at BAE either - they are fundamentally aimed at different types of young adults.



Unless you are funding his living during Uni, £30k is the absolute bare minimum of debt he'll leave Uni with. The course fees alone over 3 years are £30k, then you have living costs and accommodation etc on top of that.

Great...it gets better and better. He is definitely a hard grafter and wants to do engineering not mechanics or fix fridges etc. Something like BAE/Red Bull/McLaren/Arcadis/Balfour Beatty etc

My concern is that he seen as one of the types of kids you guts mention seeing.

 

[Noughtboy]

The definition of irony...they are insatiable whilst trying to have kids. Morning, Noon and night. Whether you feel like it or not, you kind of feel like a walking talking pxxxs* Give them kids and they seem to completely swing the other way.

 

[Noughtboy]

Ooopps,

* from above. We were literally a one shot wonder. I could basically sneeze and she would get pregnant. Didn't even really get the benefit of the non stop action apart from the first month before taking the tests

 

[sx_turbo]

It's absolutely not a new trend

Especially in the NVQ / apprenticeship arena as those roles typically attract the more educationally-challenged end of the spectrum. Apprentices aren't much more than paid slave-labour anyway, so not sure how you can expect much better

You can't really compare apprentices at a car garage to apprentices at BAE either - they are fundamentally aimed at different types of young adults.

Yeah they can't be compared.

Where I work isn't anything like a car garage though, and we do a lot of work for bae and other such companies.

It's genuinely very difficult to find apprentices that are interested and want to be in engineering.


Last year we had 30 candidates show up for interview, didn't bother taking on any of them, when asked why they wanted to start a career in engineering, each and everyone one of them said there parents thought they should do it. When asked what they wanted, they said dunno, one said they wanted to be a twitch streamer, another a you tuber, and another said they didn't see the point in working and paying taxes for the elite to get richer...

We'll see what this year brings.

Maybe it's down to where we are located.

Edit: I understand kids not knowing what they want to do in life, I certainly didn't at that age, however they could have said something along the lines of I've always had an interest in engines and think this would provide an interesting opportunity or something along those lines.

We work all around the world and they have opportunities to see a bit of the world as they progress through the apprenticeship, I personally can't understand why the kids aren't really interested.

 

[Skynet5]

Anybody have tips on how to teach my son (9) how to tie his shoe laces? He has always had trouble with his fine motor skills and me and my wife have tried multiple times to teach him but he just struggles, but now im getting worried as he is going into Year 5 in September and finding shoes that fit him and that are either slip on or velcro is becoming difficult

Geox.

Our lad is 11 now and can do them now. It just clicks at some point.

However for school we kitted him out in Geox Velcro, until just now, when he has gone up to 6.5 and they only do lace styles.

 

[ci_newman]

Yeah they can't be compared.

Where I work isn't anything like a car garage though, and we do a lot of work for bae and other such companies.

It's genuinely very difficult to find apprentices that are interested and want to be in engineering.


Last year we had 30 candidates show up for interview, didn't bother taking on any of them, when asked why they wanted to start a career in engineering, each and everyone one of them said there parents thought they should do it. When asked what they wanted, they said dunno, one said they wanted to be a twitch streamer, another a you tuber, and another said they didn't see the point in working and paying taxes for the elite to get richer...

We'll see what this year brings.

Maybe it's down to where we are located.

Edit: I understand kids not knowing what they want to do in life, I certainly didn't at that age, however they could have said something along the lines of I've always had an interest in engines and think this would provide an interesting opportunity or something along those lines.

We work all around the world and they have opportunities to see a bit of the world as they progress through the apprenticeship, I personally can't understand why the kids aren't really interested.

Again, thats nothing new though. Kids really have no idea about the real world except what they see on TV and topics they personally enjoy doing. They've got no concept of what a career actually is.

That being said, when I went to University I wanted to study computing. My parents objected and I ended up studying Electronics, something I was good at but never had any actual interest in. I dropped out after a year because I just couldn't engage with the course material or give a damn about it (and this was decades ago).

20 years later I have built myself a successful career in computing and IT - what can I say. But I had to meander around for a few years and actually discover what the world had to offer before I got there

 

[SixTwoSix]

Had a swollen heart and tears in my eyes reading my sons school report after year one, above average on everything except things like this writing neatness. Decent well thought out report as well, around 3 pages long with loads of information on strengths, weakness, areas of focus based on both, loads of comments about his eager engagement and also bringing other kids into the fold and helping them when they're struggling.

I'd love to take all the credit but my wife is a damn patient saint and spends a lot of time with him working on his development, the time we decided for her to take off work when he was younger and engage with him all day long, I know it was exhausting for her. I do my part of course but she deserves any praise aimed at my son.

I know it's only year 1 and most cynics will say all they do is pass the time at school at that age, certainly isn't the case and definitely builds a strong foundation. Even though he's only 6, he can hold his own in a lot of conversations with adults, mainly me

/proud dad

 

[theone8181]

Yeah they can't be compared.

Where I work isn't anything like a car garage though, and we do a lot of work for bae and other such companies.

It's genuinely very difficult to find apprentices that are interested and want to be in engineering.


Last year we had 30 candidates show up for interview, didn't bother taking on any of them, when asked why they wanted to start a career in engineering, each and everyone one of them said there parents thought they should do it. When asked what they wanted, they said dunno, one said they wanted to be a twitch streamer, another a you tuber, and another said they didn't see the point in working and paying taxes for the elite to get richer...

We'll see what this year brings.

Maybe it's down to where we are located.

Edit: I understand kids not knowing what they want to do in life, I certainly didn't at that age, however they could have said something along the lines of I've always had an interest in engines and think this would provide an interesting opportunity or something along those lines.

We work all around the world and they have opportunities to see a bit of the world as they progress through the apprenticeship, I personally can't understand why the kids aren't really interested.

Tbf the 3rd one has a point about the elite . I do worry for the future of kids in general as they have this misguided view that anyone can be an "influencer" (I really cringe at that word), when I think that ship has sailed.

 

[Yaayuh!]

My 2 year old has Chicken Pox… yay!

Got to happen at some point, could do with not being off work right now though .

 

[SixTwoSix]

My 2 year old has Chicken Pox… yay!

Got to happen at some point, could do with not being off work right now though .

My lad had it in March as well as most of his year across two weeks and aside from the spots, you'd barely know he was ill at the time - I hope it's as mild for yours too.

 

[dlockers]

My 2 year old has Chicken Pox… yay!

Got to happen at some point, could do with not being off work right now though .

100 quid for the vacinne!

Edit: Captain Hindsight to the rescue

 

[SixTwoSix]

100 quid for the vacinne!

Edit: Captain Hindsight to the rescue

Tbf, he's just saved a hundred quid

 

[Yaayuh!]

My lad had it in March as well as most of his year across two weeks and aside from the spots, you'd barely know he was ill at the time - I hope it's as mild for yours too.

Yeah, it's gone through his nursery like wildfire.
He seems fine, just very spotty, grumpy and not eating all that well.

 

[Yaayuh!]

100 quid for the vacinne!

Edit: Captain Hindsight to the rescue

I did consider this, but never got around to it

 

[Hodders]

Had a call from school today, my 6 year old son has slapped somebody and they needed an ice pack to soothe it. I'm going to give him a telling off, but now the Mrs is flapping about some way of getting rid of his aggression. Any thoughts? I think he's just going through a phase and hopefully he won't do it again. Might have to slap him so he knows not to do it /s (semi sarcastic ).

Get him signed up for some kind of martial art. If it's taught well, he will gain a real understanding of physical discipline.