Caporegime
^^^ you want to edit out that sweary dude before u get a nice little holiday 
Post your Fav short joke!
- Thread starter Andr3w
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs!
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children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause childen
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mattbrown91 said:
haha, that is brilliant, like that one
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cheers
Soldato
how can you tell if there's an elephant in the fridge? You can't close the door.
how can you tell if there used to be an elephabt in the fridge? footprints in the butter.
why did the elephant paint the soles of his feet yellow? so he could hide upside down in custard.
why did the elephant paint his toenails red? so he could hide in cherry trees.
what do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool? BOB!
what do you call a man with no arms and no legs swimming lengths in a pool? clever richard.
what do you call a man with a spade in his head? doug
what do you call a man without a spade in his head? douglas
that'll do for now.....
HT
anyone here remeember the bad joke's club thread
how can you tell if there used to be an elephabt in the fridge? footprints in the butter.
why did the elephant paint the soles of his feet yellow? so he could hide upside down in custard.
why did the elephant paint his toenails red? so he could hide in cherry trees.
what do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool? BOB!
what do you call a man with no arms and no legs swimming lengths in a pool? clever richard.
what do you call a man with a spade in his head? doug
what do you call a man without a spade in his head? douglas
that'll do for now.....
HT
anyone here remeember the bad joke's club thread
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I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger - then it hit me.
(woot 1000 posts)
(woot 1000 posts)
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Some Tommy Cooper jokes from my mum
1. Two blondes walk into a building ... you'd think at least one of them
would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message ... 'If you want to buy mariju*na,
press the hash key.'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
5. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are
too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.'
8. I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
10. Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
The doctor says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That's
the Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,'
says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and
examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going
to have to put him down.'
'What, because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy.'
14. A guy goes into the doctor's.
'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start!'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'Can you
give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's not me so it's
either my Mum or my Dad, my older brother Colin or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu. I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub. One says to the other, 'Your round.' The
other one says, 'So are you, you fat git!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off.
21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on my windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice.
22. A man walked into the doctor ' and said, 'I've hurt my arm in
several places.' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to rise as digging continues into the night
1. Two blondes walk into a building ... you'd think at least one of them
would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message ... 'If you want to buy mariju*na,
press the hash key.'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
5. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are
too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.'
8. I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
10. Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
The doctor says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That's
the Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,'
says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and
examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going
to have to put him down.'
'What, because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy.'
14. A guy goes into the doctor's.
'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start!'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'Can you
give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's not me so it's
either my Mum or my Dad, my older brother Colin or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu. I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub. One says to the other, 'Your round.' The
other one says, 'So are you, you fat git!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off.
21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on my windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice.
22. A man walked into the doctor ' and said, 'I've hurt my arm in
several places.' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to rise as digging continues into the night
Soldato
Very nice ones there constantine
Soldato
Andr3w said:
Wouldn't he say it in German
Soldato
Not only that, but thanks to his ruthless efficiency he should also have noticed that the joke had been posted before
Soldato
This threads length has far exceeded its content lol
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