***The All New OCUK Anonymous Confession Thread!***

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I have never told anyone this and I am so ashamed of it, but here goes.

I used to work in a futon shop in the high street of my town. I was only 14 and for some reason the Asian couple who owned it trusted me on my own there when they went out for lunch. The shop had a funny layout and the point where the till was was in a little alcove part, so no one could see you from outside the shop (but they would if they walked in).

I was doing some hoovering because I was bored and for some reason I decided it would be a good idea to put my penis inside the the sucky thing on the hoover. I did this for around 5 minutes and then decided it was probably a bit risky pleasuring myself on the floor of a shop which I was supposed to be looking after.

To this day I can only hope that they didn't have CCTV in the shop.
 
When i was much younger i lent my friend two games for the PS2. One day when i was round at his house i took them back without him knowing and asked for them back a week later. He was quite upset when he couldn't find them and felt so guilty he bought me new copies of both games. I promptly traded them in for cash and never let on.
 
In 1st year of school there was this guy who annoyed everyone as his parents were rather rich and he was a bit of a posh ****. Pokemon cards were the craze back then and this guy had an impressive collection of the rarest cards all presented in a rather fancy Pokemon binder. At PE class me and a few friends took the binder out of his bag and burnt it. At the school assembly the principal adressed the issue and brought the owner up on to the stage where he started crying. We never got caught.
 
When I was a young kid, I would never use the toilet. Instead I would go down to the back of the garden and do my business down there. My dad used to get really mad because all of his plants were dying and he could never figure out why. He still doesn't know why to this day.
 
I've tried to steal my best mate away from her bf about 3 times now. Not very proud of it due to the fact that he used to be my best mate. But he turned into a prat so i don't care about him and she deserves better. Only time will tell if it was the right decision.
 
I have quite a few that I could relate, but this is probably the sickest/funniest...

When I was growing up, my great grandfather had a volunteer from the church who used to visit him in hospital. You know the sort; they volunteer to visit the sick and dying to bring comfort and provide company etc. That'd have been great, except for the fact he turned out to be a huge cling-on come religious conversion fanatic.

Anyway, when my great grandad died the guy carried on visiting my grandmother (his daughter) at her house. He'd come once a week, bring sweets for us grandchildren and generally yap on and on about how great God was, how great his life was, and we'd go to hell if we didn't "find Jesus". He was also constantly asking us to pray with him.

Years later, once gran had died too, he started coming around to our (my parents') house! We just couldn't get rid of him. Some nights we literally ignored him for four hours straight, and he still came back! He seemed to have made it his mission in life to convert us all, despite the fact my dad only tolerated him because it gave him a chance to argue for hours on end about "aliens created human life as an experiment - except coloured people, who are a result of human/gorilla hybrid experimentation(!)" v "God created us because he loves us".

Welcome to my childhood lol

The church guy started getting a bit creepy tbh. He'd keep touching my little sister on the arm or knee while talking to her, which could have been perfectly innocent but he still creeped us out though.
As it happened, the family dog had just given birth to a litter of 6 pups the last time he visited us... I was about 12 at the time and offered to make the brews when he arrived for his usual Friday visit, fending off his offer to "pray for your souls, so that God might not damn you to eternal hell for your heathenistic ways".
"Want milk with that?"... "Please.."
You know where I got the milk from, right? :D Yup, my heavily lactating bitch. Once I'd all but filled his cup with the creamy goodness, I wiped my finger down the crack of my backside and smeared it around the top of his cup for good measure.

I'll never forget the look on his face when he took the first sip. It was ZOMFG, followed by "Erm, that's a lovely cup of... that's a lovely cuppa..."
It was coffee, but I don't think he could really tell. It sat there for a good 45 mins, while he occasionally took polite sips so as not to appear rude. He finished it as well, in the end. Didn't see him for quite some time after that, though. Winrar \o/
 
I visited a very good friend of mine (whom i also happened to have a crush on) a few years ago, who lives abroad, it was probably one of the better holidays i've ever had.
Now one day i was in her bedroom and she had to go out and see someone temporarily, and then shamefully i decided to seek out her underwear drawer.
Found it, had a good sniff (sorry :(), then contemplated pinching a pair, and finally thought better of it.

Obviously didnt tell her, but i still feel crap for doing it as we are still good friends.
 
I cannot believe I am confessing this but here goes:

When I was 11, I was sat in front of the television watching Good Morning Britain in the day when Anne Diamond was presenting. The television was in the corner and to the left of it was a big window looking into the back garden and the public walkway behind it.

Well one school morning, Good Morning Britain started and Anne Diamond started talking. I stood up, walked over to the television, dropped my pants and started to rub my old boy on the screen over Anne Diamonds face. I proceeded to do this for what I remember was a good minute, making grunts and sighs as I smothered my old man over the screen pretending it was her face.

Completely unwaware of what was happening around me, I looked out of the window to see a woman stood there on the public walkway absolutely gobsmacked with what I remember being a child also, looking in and in absolute awe.

From that day and for weeks afterwards, whenever I watched television in the morning, I would partly shut the curtains as I was paranoid the woman would again walk past and look in to see what other completely random things I might have been up to.
 
Yesterday, whilst watching Babestation, I couldn't get the thought of one of those girls having a bubble bath with Compo from Last Of The Summer Wine.

The thought of her rubbing him down made me long for a Terry's Chocolate Orange and a pack of Werthers Originals.
 
Me and the wife live quite far away from any of her closest friends.This means that whenever they come to see her they stay overnight in our spare room. The wife and her friend usually go for a night out, leaving me in the house alone for a few hours. During this time I take the opportunity to crack out a couple onto the sheets of the freshly made spare bed. I then sleep soundly knowing that the friend is a lot closer to me than she might think!
 
When I was around 11-12 I really had a thing for a cousin of mine who was slightly older and very pretty, she knew I liked her.

Well to cut a long story short, we would visit them and stay over for several days from time to time. We'd share rooms with her 2 other sisters and myself - I suppose the thought was that we were only kids and that we'd just spend all night yappering away about cool kid stuff and what not.

No.

One night I snuck up to her we did a lot of foreplaying although back then beither of us knew what that was or how to proceed further THANK GOD.

I'm so ashamed at the thought of it now because it's my cousin and I understood what I had done down the line I told myself that every lad would have felt (no punintended) something similar and that it was all the Penis' fault, yeah you *points at crotch* you and your BIG mouth (;-o).

ANyway, we're both much older now, she's married with kids and we're pretty good friends and are able to talk about it all no problems.

It's just amazing that things worked out for the better as it could have turned into a life ruining situation.

So because everything turned out well and we've grown to be good people and learn from it all I can say i...oh to hell with it, I'll just say it in the past tense. Giggity Giggity Giggity!!!.
 
First off it was just before i turned 18, i had a night round town and when i came home my mothers friend was here on her own who was stopping here for the night as she live's out of town, i had my new leather bed that day and i asked her just being friendly to feel how comfy it was.... i ended up sleeping with her and it wasn't the last time

Im sleeping with my mums cousins daughter! have been for about 6 months now and nobody not even my closet mates know about this, im 20 and she's 24 and absolutely stunning and we didn't know we was related till it come to a family members leaving doo and we both turned up there, was very awkward!

Back when i was 16 we went to a party where drugs/alcohol was involved and my mate tried to show me up in front of some girls, he then later passed out on a bed and so i wee'ed all over him then got everyone in the house (20+ people) to come in room where i then woke him up with everyone and him beleiving he wee'ed him self
when i was about 14 i somehow attached a hoover end to a electric jigsaw and put it on my penis, and got very very bad friction burns!

o and i still have a cum sock! which is rock hard now and about 8 months old the one at moment

i have plenty more but ill leave it at that for moment!
 
1. I've signed up for several dating websites, but then backed out at last second thinking someone I know might spot my profile.
2. My gay impression has become FAR too convincing
3. I once had a sex dream about my aunt
4. I have a very big crush on a close friend of mine

Also once when I was about 14/15 I was horny (as you do) and decided to sort myself out (so to speak) seconds before climax I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and Mum shouting out my name :eek: so I blasted my load into an old pair of boxers and then in blind panic just threw them and covered myself and grabbed a book to pretend I was reading. Mum opened the door and started talking to me, so I played it cool....then I looked up and the boxers had infact stuck to the wall above the door and were very slowly sliding down...mum finished what she was saying then left and shut the door...at the precise moment of the door shutting the boxers fell down and hit the floor with an almighty "slap"
 
One day, when i was about 16, i was at my house with 2 of my mates, playing on the computer, watching tv. The stuff you would expect from a bunch of 16 year old kids.

Anyway, me and one of my friends, had taken a liking to getting hold of "Max power" magazines (the car magazine but with softcore pictures of women) So it wasn't long before we got them out and were staring wide eyed at the topless girls with the very suggestive interviews they printed alongside it. So anyway, the other friend was quite mesmerized by the pictures, and continued to look at them after we got bored. So the next thing i know, we were playing on the Playstation, and my friend goes... "im going to the toilet" I asked him why he was taking the magazine with him and he replied "oh, theres cars for sale in the back, and i wanna look at them." So off he went.

10 minutes passed and me and my friend started to wonder what was taking him so long, so we crept out to my bathroom door and took a peek through the keyhole. There i was greeted by the sight of my friend, sitting on the floor, trousers and pants off with his legs wide open, facing me, with the magazine opened on the page of a topless girl, bashing one out on my bathroom floor. We both retreated to my bedroom in shock, and when he finally returned, the magazine had a big crease on the page of the topless girl where he was clutching it so tightly. I promptly disposed of the magazine after he had left.

I'm not friends with the guy any more but we told loads of people all about it and how small his wang was, so I guess someone must have mentioned it to him haha
 
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