**The Mental Health Thread**

The 1st of March is potentially a big one for me, after roughly a year of Therapy for PTSD after my attack in 2018, I'm attempting to go to the place it happened. The very thought of it has caused me to have full blown panic attacks, so I really can't say how things are going to go.

I've got a lot of support in place both physically to help with my disability and emotionally with my missus and best mate coming along. I feel the need to do this now as I'm tired of it having power over me. As a doorman I was very confident in my day to day and I want something of that back. To say I'm terrified though is an understatement. And that is despite my logical mind knowing its an irrational fear. Granted getting out of the house is a nightmare for me with my mobility issues and causes me a lot of problems but I don't want to be terrified of this bloody place anymore.

I'll keep you guys posted, hopefully I'll be able to feel proud of myself again
 
I've been aware of this thread for quite some time now. I read it now and again, and I genuinely feel for, and respect the courage of, this thread's contributers. Now I'm one of them.

I've known for quite some time now that I'm not quite right. This post is recognition of the second time I've accepted this.

I'm getting angry, very angry, a lot of the time. I never used to be. Previous careers may have influenced this.

The 1st time I recognised that something was wrong was when I was on an unnecessary ******** patrol in Iraq in 2008. We'd left the safety of the base for zero reason. Literally zero. It took all my strength not to throw my weapons on the ground and walk back to base. That said, at the time, day and night, insurgents were firing missiles and rockets at our base. Sometimes the defences were effective, sometimes they weren't. My Mrs was expecting our firstborn at the time, which is why I was there in the first place, otherwise I'd be in Afghanistan around about the time baby was born.

Unlike so many others, I got home safe and left the Military, securing a job in civvy street, barely above minimum wage, but was still able to pay the mortgage.

I then developed a problem, over the following decade + plus a few years, with alcohol. I would drink too much and too often. I was a binge drinker, not an alcoholic. The Mrs and I had regular arguments about booze.

A couple of years after leaving the Military, I joined the prison service. It's what I thought I wanted to do. I lasted 2.5 years. Not because I couldn't hack the cons, or so I thought, but because I couldn't hack the management. They practically treated cons like royalty, and that went against everything I believed in. I became angrier, more often. I had increasingly frequent visits to the pub on the way home from work. It got to the point that the job was so bad, I'd get home and would not want to speak to the Mrs and daughters. I wanted to sit in silence with a beer. Only one or two. But the prize was silence, and darkness. Fighting with cons became the daily norm. I have previously posted about this in one of these forums' habitual 'new career thread' posters.

Fast forward to today. I was out with some close colleagues on Sunday. They've noticed I've got angrier. I have arguments with people in my head before I've even met them. Several of my colleagues have pointed out they've noticed me not being quite right. I've always dismissed it. Sunday night, one of my colleagues asked me if I'm ok. I admitted I wasn't and started crying. In front of everyone. A pub full of Rangers, Celtic, Scotland and France fans!

I've never been so embarrassed but equally so relieved. My secret is out. This has coincided with me going part time, effective this week. I hope this, coupled with cutting down on booze and an increase in exercise, will make me feel a little better.

My colleagues have offered to refer me to MH services. I have respectfully declined.

So I've finally accepted I'm struggling. What's even more frustrating is that I've yet to work out 'with what'. Part of me thinks it's now 20+ years of people trying to get 'one-up' on me in various guises and I've just taken it a little too personally and maybe just being over defensive.

Apologies for the long, drawn-out post. But thanks for reading.
 
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Vidar said:
The 1st of March is potentially a big one for me, after roughly a year of Therapy for PTSD after my attack in 2018, I'm attempting to go to the place it happened. The very thought of it has caused me to have full blown panic attacks, so I really can't say how things are going to go.

I've got a lot of support in place both physically to help with my disability and emotionally with my missus and best mate coming along. I feel the need to do this now as I'm tired of it having power over me. As a doorman I was very confident in my day to day and I want something of that back. To say I'm terrified though is an understatement. And that is despite my logical mind knowing its an irrational fear. Granted getting out of the house is a nightmare for me with my mobility issues and causes me a lot of problems but I don't want to be terrified of this bloody place anymore.

I'll keep you guys posted, hopefully I'll be able to feel proud of myself again
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I remember reading your thread when it happened. Hope you’re doing okay - it must have changed so much about your life.

Drop me a message if you ever want to chat :)
 
FBi7 said:
I've been aware of this thread for quite some time now. I read it now and again, and I genuinely feel for, and respect the courage of, this thread's contributers. Now I'm one of them.

I've known for quite some time now that I'm not quite right. This post is recognition of the second time I've accepted this.

I'm getting angry, very angry, a lot of the time. I never used to be. Previous careers may have influenced this.

The 1st time I recognised that something was wrong was when I was on an unnecessary ******** patrol in Iraq in 2008. We'd left the safety of the base for zero reason. Literally zero. It took all my strength not to throw my weapons on the ground and walk back to base. That said, at the time, day and night, insurgents were firing missiles and rockets at our base. Sometimes the defences were effective, sometimes they weren't. My Mrs was expecting our firstborn at the time, which is why I was there in the first place, otherwise I'd be in Afghanistan around about the time baby was born.

Unlike so many others, I got home safe and left the Military, securing a job in civvy street, barely above minimum wage, but was still able to pay the mortgage.

I then developed a problem, over the following decade + plus a few years, with alcohol. I would drink too much and too often. I was a binge drinker, not an alcoholic. The Mrs and I had regular arguments about booze.

A couple of years after leaving the Military, I joined the prison service. It's what I thought I wanted to do. I lasted 2.5 years. Not because I couldn't hack the cons, or so I thought, but because I couldn't hack the management. They practically treated cons like royalty, and that went against everything I believed in. I became angrier, more often. I had increasingly frequent visits to the pub on the way home from work. It got to the point that the job was so bad, I'd get home and would not want to speak to the Mrs and daughters. I wanted to sit in silence with a beer. Only one or two. But the prize was silence, and darkness. Fighting with cons became the daily norm. I have previously posted about this in one of these forums' habitual 'new career thread' posters.

Fast forward to today. I was out with some close colleagues on Sunday. They've noticed I've got angrier. I have arguments with people in my head before I've even met them. Several of my colleagues have pointed out they've noticed me not being quite right. I've always dismissed it. Sunday night, one of my colleagues asked me if I'm ok. I admitted I wasn't and started crying. In front of everyone. A pub full of Rangers, Celtic, Scotland and France fans!

I've never been so embarrassed but equally so relieved. My secret is out. This has coincided with me going part time, effective this week. I hope this, coupled with cutting down on booze and an increase in exercise, will make me feel a little better.

My colleagues have offered to refer me to MH services. I have respectfully declined.

So I've finally accepted I'm struggling. What's even more frustrating is that I've yet to work out 'with what'. Part of me thinks it's now 20+ years of people trying to get 'one-up' on me in various guises and I've just taken it a little too personally and maybe just being over defensive.

Apologies for the long, drawn-out post. But thanks for reading.
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Massive respect - takes immense courage to open up like you did.

But you've done it, you’ve taken the first step on your journey. You’ll get there though :)


Definitely worth speaking to your mrs if you haven’t done so already



Wishing you all the best - this thread is always here for you, and feel free to message me too if you just wanna chat :)
 
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Highly recommend Op Courage they have been helping me with my mental health issues. They are fantastic and can help in ways you might not have considered. Well worth a chat with them.

Im getting early morning Anxiety now which is not fun waking up at between 4 and 5Am with Anxiety. Anyone else suffer with this and have any ways to help with it ?
 
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MOOGLEYS said:
Im getting early morning Anxiety now which is not fun waking up at between 4 and 5Am with Anxiety. Anyone else suffer with this and have any ways to help with it ?
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The SSRI (sertraline) seemed to have stopped that with me but I used to just put on Calm or Balance apps to listen to nature sounds/white noise or guided deep breathing.

Will be interesting to see if it comes back. I am not taking them as of today.
 
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I sometimes can't stop my mind racing when I wake up, going through a mental list of problems, last night though I wrote an episode of midsomer murders in my head, distracted me, yeah sounds weird
The metazapine cold turkey hit me last month ages after leaving my system but I am happy to be off meds as my body fat is dropping again (I am slim it was hidden fat) and muscle mass increasing
 
FBi7 said:
I've been aware of this thread for quite some time now. I read it now and again, and I genuinely feel for, and respect the courage of, this thread's contributers. Now I'm one of them.

I've known for quite some time now that I'm not quite right. This post is recognition of the second time I've accepted this.

I'm getting angry, very angry, a lot of the time. I never used to be. Previous careers may have influenced this.

The 1st time I recognised that something was wrong was when I was on an unnecessary ******** patrol in Iraq in 2008. We'd left the safety of the base for zero reason. Literally zero. It took all my strength not to throw my weapons on the ground and walk back to base. That said, at the time, day and night, insurgents were firing missiles and rockets at our base. Sometimes the defences were effective, sometimes they weren't. My Mrs was expecting our firstborn at the time, which is why I was there in the first place, otherwise I'd be in Afghanistan around about the time baby was born.

Unlike so many others, I got home safe and left the Military, securing a job in civvy street, barely above minimum wage, but was still able to pay the mortgage.

I then developed a problem, over the following decade + plus a few years, with alcohol. I would drink too much and too often. I was a binge drinker, not an alcoholic. The Mrs and I had regular arguments about booze.

A couple of years after leaving the Military, I joined the prison service. It's what I thought I wanted to do. I lasted 2.5 years. Not because I couldn't hack the cons, or so I thought, but because I couldn't hack the management. They practically treated cons like royalty, and that went against everything I believed in. I became angrier, more often. I had increasingly frequent visits to the pub on the way home from work. It got to the point that the job was so bad, I'd get home and would not want to speak to the Mrs and daughters. I wanted to sit in silence with a beer. Only one or two. But the prize was silence, and darkness. Fighting with cons became the daily norm. I have previously posted about this in one of these forums' habitual 'new career thread' posters.

Fast forward to today. I was out with some close colleagues on Sunday. They've noticed I've got angrier. I have arguments with people in my head before I've even met them. Several of my colleagues have pointed out they've noticed me not being quite right. I've always dismissed it. Sunday night, one of my colleagues asked me if I'm ok. I admitted I wasn't and started crying. In front of everyone. A pub full of Rangers, Celtic, Scotland and France fans!

I've never been so embarrassed but equally so relieved. My secret is out. This has coincided with me going part time, effective this week. I hope this, coupled with cutting down on booze and an increase in exercise, will make me feel a little better.

My colleagues have offered to refer me to MH services. I have respectfully declined.

So I've finally accepted I'm struggling. What's even more frustrating is that I've yet to work out 'with what'. Part of me thinks it's now 20+ years of people trying to get 'one-up' on me in various guises and I've just taken it a little too personally and maybe just being over defensive.

Apologies for the long, drawn-out post. But thanks for reading.
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Amazing courage to post and hugely important to be able to recognise that something isn't right. I understand it's difficult to accept that you need MH treatment or external services but you've admitted yourself:
What's even more frustrating is that I've yet to work out 'with what'
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This is literally what talking therapies are for, you know you're struggling with something and talking it through with someone qualified will unearth what that is. It will inevitably turn out to be something extremely obvious and you'll probably feel a bit silly that you couldn't figure that out for yourself but again, this is literally what talking therapies are for.

Well done for taking the first step, it's by far the most difficult part of the process to admit to yourself that you're struggling. As @MrRockliffe said about, you will get there and things will get better.
 
I did it, I actually ******* did it!!!

After posting last night, having another panick attack and no more than about 2hrs sleep I didn't think I was actually going to manage to get out of bed, let alone go out the house. Guts kept turning to water, I was a wreck. Got in the car, began hyperventilating, racing heart beat, sweating and tight chest etc. All the lovely things that come with ptsd.

Finally got there and a sudden movement could have launched me to the moon! My missus was extremely supportive but then despite desperately wanting to get away I managed to get out of the car and go to the exact spot it happened. We then went inside and got a drink. I started to calm down a bit and despite being in a lot of pain with my leg I was able to get fairly comfortable and talk to my missus. It was hard, alarmingly hard and I don't know if I'd be able to do it again but I'm still proud of myself for doing it. I don't know if it has helped anything long term but it certainly feels like a win right now, an uncertain win but a win none the less.
 
Vidar said:
I did it, I actually ******* did it!!!

After posting last night, having another panick attack and no more than about 2hrs sleep I didn't think I was actually going to manage to get out of bed, let alone go out the house. Guts kept turning to water, I was a wreck. Got in the car, began hyperventilating, racing heart beat, sweating and tight chest etc. All the lovely things that come with ptsd.

Finally got there and a sudden movement could have launched me to the moon! My missus was extremely supportive but then despite desperately wanting to get away I managed to get out of the car and go to the exact spot it happened. We then went inside and got a drink. I started to calm down a bit and despite being in a lot of pain with my leg I was able to get fairly comfortable and talk to my missus. It was hard, alarmingly hard and I don't know if I'd be able to do it again but I'm still proud of myself for doing it. I don't know if it has helped anything long term but it certainly feels like a win right now, an uncertain win but a win none the less.
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That is fantastic news! I've never suffered from PTSD, but from what I have read about it, it sounds unbearable, but likewise, now that you have overcome such a big hurdle, you should feel so proud of yourself and ready to face new struggles!
 
Vidar said:
I did it, I actually ******* did it!!!

After posting last night, having another panick attack and no more than about 2hrs sleep I didn't think I was actually going to manage to get out of bed, let alone go out the house. Guts kept turning to water, I was a wreck. Got in the car, began hyperventilating, racing heart beat, sweating and tight chest etc. All the lovely things that come with ptsd.

Finally got there and a sudden movement could have launched me to the moon! My missus was extremely supportive but then despite desperately wanting to get away I managed to get out of the car and go to the exact spot it happened. We then went inside and got a drink. I started to calm down a bit and despite being in a lot of pain with my leg I was able to get fairly comfortable and talk to my missus. It was hard, alarmingly hard and I don't know if I'd be able to do it again but I'm still proud of myself for doing it. I don't know if it has helped anything long term but it certainly feels like a win right now, an uncertain win but a win none the less.
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You don't even need to do it again, you ****ing DID IT :cool:

Huge step, well done! You can go on to whatever you want but you can definitely consider that fear conquered IMO :)
 
Woke at 4am with Anxiety unable to get back to sleep. This is getting pretty intense now the feeling of being really tired but unable to sleep is horrid. I can feel the Anxiety building inside me and the hot flushes, headaches and adrenaline rushes are causing more anxiety. My whole body is buzzing tired but restless.

Think I might need to see the doc about something to temporary help with the sleep.
 
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I seemed to have come off the sertraline without much incident. A few times walking about and sweat has just poured out of me but nothing other than that. Pretty happy overall. I'm sure the daily meditation is helping a great deal.
 
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I think it's about time I take visit to my doctors.

I've been awful lately, I get zero enjoyment from anything. Literally nothing. All the games I used to play, just make me angry more than give me joy. The gym, cannot even motivate myself to go at all, and that's **** poor given I have a decent setup in my garage. Sport, especially Formula 1, which is one of my biggest passions, just...nothing. Despite it being the start of a new season I couldn't get excited at all. I just can't get excited, or motivated to do anything.

I have such a short temper these days and I just massively over react to every negative situation.

Both my parents, and both of their parents have long histories of depression. My mums side especially. She did herself in, and her mum did as well. I've watched my dad deal with bipolar all my life, so I can see all the things I saw in him over the years, in myself now.

Because of that history, I always tried to kid myself that maybe I got away with carrying that tradition on and I was "normal", but these last few months I've found myself lower than I've ever felt. I've always prided myself on my ability to snap myself out of it when I'm down, I always make that conscious effort to do so, again, so not to end up like my parents. But this time, I'm just stuck.

I don't think working from home, every day, for the last 3 years has helped. My life is the same, every day. Same routine, there's virtually no variation, which is the same for most people in my situation but up until now, I've been able to entertain myself and do things to not care. My car is the only thing that I enjoy at the moment, be it cleaning it, driving it or taking photos. So I've signed myself up to a few car meets to just be around stuff I enjoy, hopefully that helps a little

Sorry for the rant, appreciate I've not posted in here before but I just wanted to put that down in words for my own benefit, as it's only really these last couple of days that I've had this realisation that this is something more than just a bad mood
 
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The shift to WFH is definitely going to have an impact on mental health even though there are upsides, but if you don't have a strong in-person social life outside of work then it absolutely takes its toll.

Is there any possibility of you doing more days in the office? It will probably feel horrible at first after 3 years of home comforts.
 
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Steedie said:
Sorry for the rant, appreciate I've not posted in here before but I just wanted to put that down in words for my own benefit, as it's only really these last couple of days that I've had this realisation that this is something more than just a bad mood
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All rants are welcome in here buddy! :)

Self realisation is a hell of barrier to break through and definitely a visit to a GP wouldn't be a bad shout even if it's just to talk. I'd highly recommend some form of talking therapy which I realise is hideously expensive (assuming you go private) but certainly helped me work through a bunch of issues I had.

This thread has always been very welcoming to me and I hope you find it the same way.
 
Ayahuasca said:
The shift to WFH is definitely going to have an impact on mental health, of course there are upsides, but if you don't have a strong in-person social life outside of work then it absolutely takes its toll.

Is there any possibility of you doing more days in the office? It will probably feel horrible at first after 3 years of home comforts.
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I'm a contractor and my current client are up in Scotland, I'm down in Oxfordshire :D so commuting isn't exactly possible at the moment. But I've started giving thought to finding a more local role and one that offers a hybrid working solution.

But you're 100% right. I have zero social life other than car meets, and maybe seeing a friend once in a blue moon for a coffee and catch up so that combined with no interaction while working, just not a good mix

Psymonkee said:
All rants are welcome in here buddy! :)

Self realisation is a hell of barrier to break through and definitely a visit to a GP wouldn't be a bad shout even if it's just to talk. I'd highly recommend some form of talking therapy which I realise is hideously expensive (assuming you go private) but certainly helped me work through a bunch of issues I had.

This thread has always been very welcoming to me and I hope you find it the same way.
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Thanks, man :) appreciated.

I've seen the NHS fail my dad so many times, that you're right, I'd have to go private. The cost is pretty high, but I feel the cost of me trying to deal with this myself in the long term is much, much higher. I have private healthcare, and I think they offer it so might have a chat with them
 
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