I have suffered depression for the last 5-6 years and had terrible anxiety for as long as I can remember.
On the 22nd of September I found out I may have a brain tumour, the Dr was certain it was non cancerous going by my symptoms (headaches, vision blurriness, extreme lack of libido, no energy, abnormal hormone levels) I was told to go back to the hospital for an MRI a week later and find out exactly what was growing, I was shocked but at the same time I thought fantastic as, maybe that's the reason I am like I am, On the 23rd of September, my Granddad passed away after a short illness, so after finding out I may have a brain tumour and then Granddad passing away it sent me into a downward spiral. I grew really close to my Granddad over the last few years when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer.
I still had to try and carry on like normal, go to work (I'm a taxi driver) pay bills, support my Nan and the rest of the family, things got to the point where I just wanted to escape life, I started to drive like a complete ****, getting really aggressive, started taking drugs to escape reality and things got to the point where I was going to hang myself, I even had the rope prepared.
I had an MRI a week later and got the results shortly after that, confirming a growth of the pituitary gland, the size of a golf ball, the Dr confirmed that it is highly unlikely to be cancerous as the type of growth is called a Prolactinoma, because of the size of the growth it had squashed and essentially killed my Pituitary gland messing up all my hormones, Dr suspects it has been causing me problems for a number of years, he started me on Hydro-cortisone tablets, which I have to take for the rest of my life, the Dr explained what the process would be for treatment and that I would be seen within a week to get all other required medication, cue the hospital forgetting about me for 8 ****ing weeks, so if finding out you have a brain tumour, Granddad passing away and now having to chase up the hospital for an appointment wasn't enough.
We had a fantastic send off for my Granddad, I was still at the point where I wanted to end my life, and it really got to me that some members of the family came out of the wood work acting like they were there for my Nan and Granddad, when in fact that haven't been arsed for years, that almost tipped me over the edge, as I was always around them, shopping for them, taking them to appointments and even just being company for them, which they appreciated most.
I got signed off work as things became too much, financially it was going to be tough but trying to stay alive was more important.
I finally got my hospital appointment to get started on medication, I was given Cabergoline, to reduce prolactin levels and hopefully shrink the growth, Thyroxine to replace the function of my thyroid and was told I will be started on Testosterone replacement once I had another blood test to check my levels, fantastic, only it took another two weeks to get started on it, which really messed with my mind as testosterone is what makes a man an man, right? The Dr kept telling me once I was on testosterone I would feel 90% better.
So now I have been on my medication for over a month, I feel great, I've come to terms with my Granddad passing away, I feel human again. I've just had another MRI on the 27th December to see whether the growth has shrunk or not, I get the results of the 10th January, if the growth has shrunk, great, if not, I will need surgery to remove it!
Only thing is, because of the way I've always felt I've never been really interested in girls or having a relationship, yeah I found them attractive but never had any desires to want intimacy. Now I feel like a normal person (testosterone is working wonders) I am looking for human interaction, something which I have always shied away from but I'm at the age where the few friends I do have are married and having kids so they don't have much spare time, I am trying online dating, which is going horrendously, most of the women want a nice, normal guy but you also need to be 6ft tall, dark skinned and handsome, where as I am a lot shorter than 6ft tall, pasty as hell and not so handsome and the very few people that have messaged me, I may as well be talking to a card board box. Guess i'm just feeling lonely now, but hey, one step at a time.
I go back to work in the new year, I'm actually really looking forward to it, being off work is so boring.
Anyway, I hope that all makes sense.
Cheers for reading!