The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Here goes, a heavily shortened version of the events of the past 10-11 weeks....

11 weeks ago my wife of 5 years (been together 16 years) tells me that she doesnt think she love's me anymore and she needs time to get her head together, this comes as a shock to me as there really wasnt any hints etc.

So i say we need to talk about it and sort it out, she is admamant that she needs to get her head together, and she promptly leaves the next day to stop with her "friend" in bolton (about 2.5hrs away from us).

she returns 3.5 days later after only 1 text on the 3rd morning she was away asking if the kids are ok, to say yep its over i dont feel that way about you anymore.

We argue a bit, then i pack some stuff and go to my parents where i have been ever since, luckily i have been able to have the kids or see them pretty much every day, and i have found a new house to rent which i move into on the 1st of June.

We dont talk as such at the minute, im still too bitter about the whole thing, but luckily it has all been pretty much as friendly as i can be solely for the kids sake.

I have begged her to go to the people at Relate, for us to get counselling but she just said no, and thats the hardest part in all of this to understand...how can anyone have a 16 year relationship and 2 amazing kids together and not even consider trying to save it?

If the shoe were on the other foot i would like to think that i did/thought of everything in my power to try and save it first, then at least i could say i tried.

Ever since the split she has been out drinking pretty much every weekend, she seems to have acquired new friends (she's always had loads of friends though, i knew pretty much most of them) where shes getting them from i dont know.

her attitude has changed massively towards myself, and members of her family, especially her mother who she was particularly close to before the split.....they hardly speak now.

Her going out excessively is some kind of strange knee jerk reaction to us not being together anymore it seems, although why i cannot say, i certainly didnt stop her doing anything she wanted to do when we were together.

On the odd occassion when dropping the kids off at her house she has been massively hungover and ive tempted to bring the kids back with me, but im so scared that she would start being awkward about how much i see the kids that im treating her and the whole situation with kid gloves.

I do know that she has met a couple of people, and that she's texting and chatting with them, personally i think that 11 weeks is too soon to be broadcasting that fact about, hell i think that 11 weeks after a 16 year relationship ended she is far too soon to be on the lookout for other blokes.

Everyone is telling me to do the same and get on with my life, but i really dont want to...i unfortunately still love her and theres not a lot i can do about that at the minute.

She seems to think that we can still be best friends because we have 2 kids together and doesnt understand why i feel so bitter towards her and seems to think that i dont want her to be happy. :mad:

my kids are my first priority and always have been, im not so sure that they are my wifes priority at the minute

this whole thing has certainly had an effect on our little boy who is 6, its almost as if he's lost his twinkle if that makes sense, he looks tired all of the time, our daughter who is 3 just acts the same as she did before.

Ive sat down with my son and explained whats happening, and that it has nothing at all to do with him...told him he can stop with me whenever he likes etc.

now its coming down to brass tacks...she works part time, and can claim all the benefits under the sun, she gets 80% of her rent paid and gets council tax reductions.

Obviously as she will be classed as the primary carer she gets all the help in the world whereas i got virtually none although i would be having the kids almost half of the time.

Yep, i could do with a hug :(

Edit: sorry for the wall of text, i didnt relaise how much i had wrote, i could have gone on for hours!


My word. That is horrible, man.

/hugs to you. :) You'll get through it.
 
Here goes, a heavily shortened version of the events of the past 10-11 weeks....

11 weeks ago my wife of 5 years (been together 16 years) tells me that she doesnt think she love's me anymore and she needs time to get her head together, this comes as a shock to me as there really wasnt any hints etc.

So i say we need to talk about it and sort it out, she is admamant that she needs to get her head together, and she promptly leaves the next day to stop with her "friend" in bolton (about 2.5hrs away from us).

she returns 3.5 days later after only 1 text on the 3rd morning she was away asking if the kids are ok, to say yep its over i dont feel that way about you anymore.

We argue a bit, then i pack some stuff and go to my parents where i have been ever since, luckily i have been able to have the kids or see them pretty much every day, and i have found a new house to rent which i move into on the 1st of June.

We dont talk as such at the minute, im still too bitter about the whole thing, but luckily it has all been pretty much as friendly as i can be solely for the kids sake.

I have begged her to go to the people at Relate, for us to get counselling but she just said no, and thats the hardest part in all of this to understand...how can anyone have a 16 year relationship and 2 amazing kids together and not even consider trying to save it?

If the shoe were on the other foot i would like to think that i did/thought of everything in my power to try and save it first, then at least i could say i tried.

Ever since the split she has been out drinking pretty much every weekend, she seems to have acquired new friends (she's always had loads of friends though, i knew pretty much most of them) where shes getting them from i dont know.

her attitude has changed massively towards myself, and members of her family, especially her mother who she was particularly close to before the split.....they hardly speak now.

Her going out excessively is some kind of strange knee jerk reaction to us not being together anymore it seems, although why i cannot say, i certainly didnt stop her doing anything she wanted to do when we were together.

On the odd occassion when dropping the kids off at her house she has been massively hungover and ive tempted to bring the kids back with me, but im so scared that she would start being awkward about how much i see the kids that im treating her and the whole situation with kid gloves.

I do know that she has met a couple of people, and that she's texting and chatting with them, personally i think that 11 weeks is too soon to be broadcasting that fact about, hell i think that 11 weeks after a 16 year relationship ended she is far too soon to be on the lookout for other blokes.

Everyone is telling me to do the same and get on with my life, but i really dont want to...i unfortunately still love her and theres not a lot i can do about that at the minute.

She seems to think that we can still be best friends because we have 2 kids together and doesnt understand why i feel so bitter towards her and seems to think that i dont want her to be happy. :mad:

my kids are my first priority and always have been, im not so sure that they are my wifes priority at the minute

this whole thing has certainly had an effect on our little boy who is 6, its almost as if he's lost his twinkle if that makes sense, he looks tired all of the time, our daughter who is 3 just acts the same as she did before.

Ive sat down with my son and explained whats happening, and that it has nothing at all to do with him...told him he can stop with me whenever he likes etc.

now its coming down to brass tacks...she works part time, and can claim all the benefits under the sun, she gets 80% of her rent paid and gets council tax reductions.

Obviously as she will be classed as the primary carer she gets all the help in the world whereas i got virtually none although i would be having the kids almost half of the time.

Yep, i could do with a hug :(

Edit: sorry for the wall of text, i didnt relaise how much i had wrote, i could have gone on for hours!

Similar thing has just happened to me. My fiance has just decided to leave, only reason she has given is that she doesn't feel the same. She does not want to talk about anything either!

It's been 2 weeks and every time I try and contact her she tells me to leave her alone she needs space meanwhile I'm left with all the bills to pay in the house that I can't afford on my own while she is out every nite with her friends and expects me to just wait until she decides if she wants to come back or not :/

Very strange as to what goes on in a woman's head sometimes! :mad:
 
Similar thing has just happened to me. My fiance has just decided to leave, only reason she has given is that she doesn't feel the same. She does not want to talk about anything either!

It's been 2 weeks and every time I try and contact her she tells me to leave her alone she needs space meanwhile I'm left with all the bills to pay in the house that I can't afford on my own while she is out every nite with her friends and expects me to just wait until she decides if she wants to come back or not :/

Very strange as to what goes on in a woman's head sometimes! :mad:

Yeah, they are definitely the more complex breed.

Me and the Mrs are still communicating mainly via texts etc, but its more for arranginging the kids than anything else, if i mention anything about our relationship i just get the good old "stop pressurising me"

I have been quite lucky in so much as i could go to my parents and they have let me live there for the last 11 weeks rent free so that i can pull some cash together for this new house im moving into, but its quite a daunting experience starting over again with nothing at all.

Believe me though mate, its over between you two, the way i see it is that if she can treat you like that now, she can treat you like that at any time in the future....get rid buddy.
 
[FnG]magnolia;21940368 said:
No, it's because people don't know how to meet people any more. It's because online is easier, safer, less revealing but ultimately a cop out. It's A/S/L taken to extreme proportions.

Spoken like a true cynic.

I have several close friends who aren't in relationships after leaving uni, who don't have eligible females at their work, in our extended circle of friends, or in various hobby groups that they partake in. How does this 'meeting people' thing work then, bearing in mind they actually are looking for long term dealies?
 
Here goes, a heavily shortened version of the events of the past 10-11 weeks....
Bad to hear mate /hugs.

Sounds like she had a massive mid-life crisis to me, just make sure you & your children are OK & screw the rest - if you can perhaps treat yourself with a trip/nice holiday with friends to clear your head?.

Good luck anyway.

(Btw, I shortened it more to save the forum space :P)
 
Spoken like a true cynic.

I have several close friends who aren't in relationships after leaving uni, who don't have eligible females at their work, in our extended circle of friends, or in various hobby groups that they partake in. How does this 'meeting people' thing work then, bearing in mind they actually are looking for long term dealies?

The same way it was done before the internet :D
 
Wow it really does make you feel better when you think your the only person who's going through a break up.

Its just nice to know your not alone :)
 
OCUK Love Gurus, a scenario for you.

A guy turns up with his girlfriend of a year at the same place as you, purely by chance. This lad was at the same place as you and your misses on saturday at a sporting event.

You then proceed to find out, 2 days earlier he has been messaging your girlfriend inappropriate messages. Saying he is jealous of me, that she is looking hot etc etc. She then shows you the messages, by which she has done nothing wrong at all, and actually telling the lad to stop it and it's in appropriate.

Bear in mind here he has a girlfriend of over a year.

What would you do?

a. Let it slide cause she is with you.
b. Get ****y at your misses unintentionally.
c. have a chat with the lad on his own so he knows that you know.
d. have a chat with the lad infront of his misses to humiliate him.
e. punch the lad infront of his misses, spit on his limp body and walk away.

Be careful if you do D and it turns out they were both trying to initiate a threeway with your gf :p
 
Slight issue here. The GF broke up with me about four weeks ago, but we've been all fine and dandy, texting and the occasional phone call. However we had a bit of an argument last Friday night and haven't really to her spoken since. Then subsequently her mother died sometime on Saturday (I found out through a mutual friend). How would you lot go about talking to her? It is exams at uni at the moment so I have wished her luck, told her I am there if she needs anything. I haven't pushed her about the mum stuff at all, just tried to be normal.

What would you lot do? I have never really had to help someone with grief before...
 
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Slight issue here. The GF broke up with me about four weeks ago, but we've been all fine and dandy, texting and the occasional phone call. However we had a bit of an argument last Friday night and haven't really to her spoken since. Then subsequently her mother died sometime on Saturday (I found out through a mutual friend). How would you lot go about talking to her? It is exams at uni at the moment so I have wished her luck, told her I am there if she needs anything. I haven't pushed her about the mum stuff at all, just tried to be normal.

What would you lot do? I have never really had to help someone with grief before...

Personally if that was me i would either arrange to meet up or go over to her house unannounced and ask if she would speak to me and go from there.

Send her some flowers and a card to let her know your thinking of her.
 
I can confirm that D was the option I went for.

I'm not going to be made to look like a mug. Plus he's half my size so :p

best bit is, I didn't raise my voice, get aggressive, threatening or even angry. Just said what was needed and left it at that. Actually shook his hand first introducing myself and who I am lol.

Well done mate.
 
This week has been a week of discovery for me - only caused by lookking into accident and sickness insurance for a house. When i first bought my house i couldn't get accident or sickness cover due to my head injury (they were so specific on the type of injury too hich i found surprising!).

Mortgage advisor tried again so think it might have been successful this time but more interestingly...

Did a little bit of digging into it and would only ever rely on NHS websites (if you look in general we're all dead by tomorrow from various things) and they had zero information on this 2years ago - now they have loads with comments and names of people who have suffered similar and what they've gone through. Mine has taken 4years whereas a lot of them it was 6 months and i could never understand why - now it's much clearer as basically i have to accept this is how i am now. There's a list of causes of the issue -
Serious short-term complication include:
•further bleeding at the site of the aneurysm
•blood vessels near the site of the aneurysm go into spasm (vasospasm) reducing the blood supply further
Long-term complications include:
•epilepsy – where a person has repeated seizures (fits)
•problems with certain mental functions such as memory, planning and concentration
•changes in mood such as depression

and one comment really struck me as i thought i was alone in feeling like this and not understanding why.....
"It's strange to feel healthy but changed"

Don't need counselling or a hug or anything as I feel like i've been reborn this year!! Everything seems to be clicking into place at last....
 
I think the main thing you need with girls (and most things in life really) is confidence. I am a firm believer that 90% of your success in life is measured on how confident you are as a person.

My first love broke up with me, i was head over heels, wanted a house/family together and to marry her. Was with her for 4years. She started going out with her friends and this lad quite a lot. Suddenly her attitude changed towards me, almost as if she stopped caring for me. Not long after she ended things with me and got with him.

I'll admit now, i was a broken man and lost all my confidence in myself. I got into another relationship which failed fast.

I took a year out and stayed single, concentrated on myself / career and confidence. I've now been with my new g.f for 1.5years and could not be happier :)

My advice is, if you have recently split with someone long term then take some time out from a relationship. Build your confidence up to an all time high.

The rest will follow ;)
 
My piece keeps hinting at marriage...woe is me. You know the stuff, come down from bed in the morning to find a load of tabs open at wedding dresses and rings. I cant deal with that at 7am, I just want to have my coffee and look at cats on Reddit damnit woman.

1. Setup filters in router to block access to wedding and ring type shops.
2. Restrict smartphone usage and monitor browsing.
3. Start leaving books about cooking,cleaning and servicing your man around the place.

I am a nice boyfriend, honestly!

I took a year out and stayed single, concentrated on myself / career and confidence. I've now been with my new g.f for 1.5years and could not be happier :)

My advice is, if you have recently split with someone long term then take some time out from a relationship. Build your confidence up to an all time high.

The rest will follow ;)

Nice one, and some great advice.



Also, get your gf/other the book/ebook trilogy 'fifty shades of grey'. Mine told me she was reading it and to take a look. Let's say she has now opened up to a lot more to kinky shennanigans!
 
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Just to add to this thread, following what has recently happened to me. After 5 years of being in a relationship now it's over I find I don't really have that many friends.

How depressing is it when you try getting in contact with some friends you have not seen for a while and every single darn one is in a relationship, even all the nerds that don't even know what women are.

One of my old friends from college who used to live on his computer, not come out of his room at home and painted models when he wasn't on his computer is now married!! WTF

Have I been a bad person, someone really want's me to be alone in the world :(
 
Just to add to this thread, following what has recently happened to me. After 5 years of being in a relationship now it's over I find I don't really have that many friends.

How depressing is it when you try getting in contact with some friends you have not seen for a while and every single darn one is in a relationship, even all the nerds that don't even know what women are.

One of my old friends from college who used to live on his computer, not come out of his room at home and painted models when he wasn't on his computer is now married!! WTF

Have I been a bad person, someone really want's me to be alone in the world :(

this is how most of us feel. it is horrible. since my seperation it has been the lonliest 6 months. my biggest issue is i moved away from all my friends, but didnt realise how long i had left it without contact. now, they are married with kids, or in early stages of relationships so have no time for me moping around.
 
Just to add to this thread, following what has recently happened to me. After 5 years of being in a relationship now it's over I find I don't really have that many friends.

How depressing is it when you try getting in contact with some friends you have not seen for a while and every single darn one is in a relationship, even all the nerds that don't even know what women are.

One of my old friends from college who used to live on his computer, not come out of his room at home and painted models when he wasn't on his computer is now married!! WTF

Have I been a bad person, someone really want's me to be alone in the world :(

Got to upkeep your friendships even if it is hard.

I have a missus and a little one but I always try to free up a night every week to see my mates (or at least one of them) to keep the friendships going and I always drop the others a text just to see how things are going and let them know I still give a toss :p

Some people do drop off the earth when they find a partner and it is really irritating! :p
 
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