The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[DrToffnar]

I'm just saying it how it is. Spark lost = I'm not attracted to you anymore. The reason for this generally is that you were a bit too soft, didn't make decisions, weren't very challenging and didn't really lead the relationship as a man should. It's kind of like how most men wouldn't be attracted to a masculine woman, we're attracted to femine women generally. Women are attracted to masculine men, when they don't have that there's just no attraction.

I don't buy that at all. Same with the 'alpha/beta' nonsense. Perhaps some relationships follow that formula to some extent, but in the real world peoples tastes are infinitely more nuanced. The same can be said for there reasoning to end relationships.

People are just different. My lady friends an absolute stunner yet chooses to go out with a middle of the road, average looking white dude with a B cup.

We don't even know anything about Rossi or his acquaintance, how on earth can we judge them at all? The only reason we can offer up advise is because we've probably objectively been through similar experiences.

 

[RoboCod]

I'm just saying it how it is. Spark lost = I'm not attracted to you anymore. The reason for this generally is that you were a bit too soft, didn't make decisions, weren't very challenging and didn't really lead the relationship as a man should. It's kind of like how most men wouldn't be attracted to a masculine woman, we're attracted to femine women generally. Women are attracted to masculine men, when they don't have that there's just no attraction.

Haha haha Do you know him personally? If not, how do you know the reason for the relationship falling down?

 

[PermaChanged]

My wife went to see a solicitor yesterday as we are splitting after 31 years together.

Jesus, that's insane. All the best with this.

 

[tom_e]

People are just different. My lady friends an absolute stunner yet chooses to go out with a middle of the road, average looking white dude with a B cup.

Do you have a large wallet, an even larger corner office and some very tasteful business cards printed on expensive paper stock?

 

[DrToffnar]

Do you have a large wallet, an even larger corner office and some very tasteful business cards printed on expensive paper stock?

Aha if only my friend! I'm a mean Overwatch player and cook however

 

[RoboCod]

My wife went to see a solicitor yesterday as we are splitting after 31 years together.

Ask Roar87 for advice.

 

[koolpc]

Ask Roar87 for advice.

Thanks.

 

[R.O.S.S.I]

I was thinking about writing her a little letter of some kind to send to at some point over the weekend once the immediate dust has settled a bit saying something along the lines of I can't just let 7 years go this easily, if it means us having some time off to regroup for a few weeks/months and reflect on whats happened then that's fine, im not arsed about marriage im arsed about our relationship and i need to have at least tried to salvage it as best i can. And just something along the lines of if she doesnt want to try then i cant be there for her and be her friend or in her life at all if not.

Is this a wise move or am i just asking for trouble? I think i'd find it easier to pen things down and then i'll know she has heard exactly what i'm saying.

 

[ChrisD.]

I did that in an email, got no reply, as she 'didn't know what to say'.

 

[Ayahuasca]

That's not a wise move at all, she's far more likely to want you back if you just go no contact on her as she'll get the cold reality of life without you at all.

 

[R.O.S.S.I]

I did that in an email, got no reply, as she 'didn't know what to say'.

I'd stipulate in it that I'd only want a reply or to hear from her if she wants to give it a go again. If she doesn't then don't bother (essentially).

 

[R.O.S.S.I]

That's not a wise move at all, she's far more likely to want you back if you just go no contact on her as she'll get the cold reality of life without you at all.

Fair point but arrgghhh, just feel like I need to do more somehow.

 

[tom_e]

I'd stipulate in it that I'd only want a reply or to hear from her if she wants to give it a go again. If she doesn't then don't bother (essentially).

That sounds like the worst way to go about it, you'd always be sat there with no closure. Even if her reply is just "No, not interested" then at least that is solid closure.

 

[413x]

That's not a wise move at all, she's far more likely to want you back if you just go no contact on her as she'll get the cold reality of life without you at all.

Yeah I agree For once. this is not going to make spark come back. Better for her to see you're 'ok' and that you don't need her. If she then regrets her decision she can come back to you.

Also, i would also look at today's idea tomorrow. That is. If you are overwhelmed and want to do something in the heat of the moment (ie plead!) write it, don't send it, then read it in a different mind set. If it looks desperate or clingy, don't send it.

 

[R.O.S.S.I]

Yeah I agree For once. this is not going to make spark come back. Better for her to see you're 'ok' and that you don't need her. If she then regrets her decision she can come back to you.

Also, i would also look at today's idea tomorrow. That is. If you are overwhelmed and want to do something in the heat of the moment (ie plead!) write it, don't send it, then read it in a different mind set. If it looks desperate or clingy, don't send it.

All valid points. I have been typing something which just reflects my desire to not lose my best friend and for us to at least try giving something a try eventually.

 

[ChrisD.]

All valid points. I have been typing something which just reflects my desire to not lose my best friend and for us to at least try giving something a try eventually.

No, you're grovelling.

 

[R.O.S.S.I]

No, you're grovelling.

Thanks, I needed that.

 

[ChrisD.]

Trust me, I was with my ex for 5 or 6 years I think, lived together most of it, went through an awful lot together. We were best mates and looking back now no matter what I did at the time, now I look at it and looks like I was grovelling which in retrospect most likely pushed her further away.

 

[Vidar]

R.O.S.S.I, I'm sorry mate I truly am its rough but the best thing you can do now is stick to your guns, don't give in to the temptation to write letters or send messages or emails.

She knows she has hurt you, she knows you'd be willing to try but has closed that door on you already. In your position I would get legal advice, that's a cert as you never really know someone or what they're capable of until you break up with them.

Keep things as amicable as possible, but ultimately keep things about the financial assetts etc and thats it. Remember she's the one who out of the blue has ended things with you.

 

[R.O.S.S.I]

Yep you're right, head is thinking now, heart was before. Its going to be difficult not to pull the trigger on the letter though but I guess you are right.

In terms of finances and potentially "buying her out" of the house iirc I fronted pretty much all of the deposit for the house so am I right in thinking to buy her out i'd just need to pay her 50% of whatever mortgage payments have been paid thus far?

How would you go about dividing savings up? I really can't see it becoming protracted as I imagine she wants a quick break too so would you do a straight 50/50 split on the savings or go off a percentage split based on our incomes as we pooled 95% of both of our wages each month and took a set amount out for savings? If it was percentage split it would be about 57/43 split based on salaries.