Soldato
- Joined
- 19 Jan 2006
- Posts
- 4,538
Steampunk once again with more solid and sound advice.
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
- Thread starter mattyprice4004
- Start date
Associate
edit: wrong thread
When she says the spark is gone, does she really mean that she's a bit bored of life and the relationship? She doesn't feel that you love each other the way it was in the beginning?
That's because a spark is something you have to work on. But all relationships change and evolve. That initial excitement often grows into a warmth and understanding, a deeper, more long term love that is more than just the immediate attraction of a new relationship. The spark doesn't have to go away, but most people fail to keep it going, not just for the special occasions, but also in the every day little things. It's more of an attitude to each other than a specific thing.
It is something that is fixable if you both want to work on it. You don't stay with someone for seven years without reasons to do so. It's a lot to throw away just because things are gong through a bit of a rough patch.
If she really doesn't want to work on it, if she's checked out the door, if she's got an eye on someone else who she thinks will give her a "spark" for a few years until she gets bored of them when she realises that life isn't a continuous love-in, then I'm afraid you've got no choice but to break it off and move on. Buy her out of the house, and sever, find someone who doesn't put all her happiness on how a man makes her feel.
Last edited:
^^^ 100% this.
Even I've used the clichéd 'sparks gone' argument. Now I'm older and have a bit more experience, I think it's a largely nonsense perspective to have. Like Steampunk says, the best relationships evolve over time and never resemble what they where a few years on.
Saying that, people are just different. Some people do need that 'spark' to feel as if they're getting any worth from a relationship at all.
Sorry to hear about it though mate, regardless of what happens it's important to remember that things will get better, as stupid as that might sound
Even I've used the clichéd 'sparks gone' argument. Now I'm older and have a bit more experience, I think it's a largely nonsense perspective to have. Like Steampunk says, the best relationships evolve over time and never resemble what they where a few years on.
Saying that, people are just different. Some people do need that 'spark' to feel as if they're getting any worth from a relationship at all.
Sorry to hear about it though mate, regardless of what happens it's important to remember that things will get better, as stupid as that might sound
sorryu but no amount of short term change or you doing lots of legwork to bring romance or spark back is going to work.
if she feels the spark has gone or things have gotten boring but has done nothing to spice things up herslef then that means she's already decided things are over in her head.
all you'll do by trying to change things is keep it limping on for a few more months til lyou're bitter at her for all the extra effort you're putting in.
Soldato
A monkey doesn't leave her tree unless she has another tree to swing into, not before trying the fruits. She's been planning this for some time.
Try as best as you can to keep emotions out with any future dealings with her. Get red pilled up and you will find a better woman in personality and looks. Keep clam and carry on ROSSI!
Caporegime
Could you suggest couples counselling?
I did this when my ex of 5 years and I started having trouble, and it really helped.
Turns out I didn't want to have children, and that was a deal breaker for us, so we had an amicable split.
If you really both want to try and fix things, give counselling a go, don't just throw 7 years away.
I did this when my ex of 5 years and I started having trouble, and it really helped.
Turns out I didn't want to have children, and that was a deal breaker for us, so we had an amicable split.
If you really both want to try and fix things, give counselling a go, don't just throw 7 years away.
Caporegime
If she says the spark has gone then it's probably ignited elsewhere, it's very rare a woman will check out of a solid and stable long term relationship unless there isn't someone else giving them the tingles.
It sucks the way things are now in the west, more and more men are checking out of ever getting married and more and more women are realising they don't need a long term partner to make their life better anymore unless of course you're of the few % who can buy her everything and give her the instagram lifestyle.
It sucks the way things are now in the west, more and more men are checking out of ever getting married and more and more women are realising they don't need a long term partner to make their life better anymore unless of course you're of the few % who can buy her everything and give her the instagram lifestyle.
Soldato
She's doing the throwing not ROSSI, ROSSI's only crime is probably being too nice!
Indeed mate, R.O.S.S.I if things can be worked out then I wish you all the best. It's a horrible situation to be in either way but one way or another you'll come through it.
Soldato
Always 2 sides to a story
Soooo i got off from work early yesterday and went home to talk to her. We both cried a lot, she apologised profusely and kept saying how sorry she was to do this to me and wish she didn't have to do it. Unfortunately it doesn't look like anything is salvageable though even if you take away weddings and just focus on the relationship. She doesn't feel the same and has been trying for some time to change how she feels about me. The spark is gone, she doesn't feel we have an intimate relationship anymore and she doesn't think it is something that can be worked at. Those were the final nails in the coffin and the most hurting really - 7 years gone and not willing to even try to fix things together, that's going to take a hell of a long time to process and get over.
Its even more difficult for us both because we are best friends and that ultimately we are both going to lose our best friend as I can't see a way for us to remain friends post-split - I don't know anyone who has successfully done that and it will be much much too hard for me. I feel like as hard as it is going to be the only way out of this for me is to cut ties completely and contact to a minimal.
I went round to a couple of friends last night and they were all shocked and baffled like me, their advice was much the same as what has already been given; forget about weddings and to see if you can salvage anything from the relationship. Sadly that isn't going to happen.
We both stayed at the house last night but before I went to sleep I said I thought it would be best if she was gone tomorrow to her Mum's by the time I get home from work as I can't have her around as its too painful.
God, my last breakup was about 9 years ago and was only a v.short relationship which really took its toll on me, knowing how long it took me to get over that I fear for how long this will take for me to recover from. I am however, older, wiser and have learnt from that but this is going to be a tough one to take. I feel like i'm back to square one, having built a life, shared so many experiences, made new friends through each other, bought a home, grown up and matured with someone through so many ups and downs I feel like it's right back to the start again and having to now go back to an empty house (bar the cat) every day fills me with dread and really, really hurts.
Its even more difficult for us both because we are best friends and that ultimately we are both going to lose our best friend as I can't see a way for us to remain friends post-split - I don't know anyone who has successfully done that and it will be much much too hard for me. I feel like as hard as it is going to be the only way out of this for me is to cut ties completely and contact to a minimal.
I went round to a couple of friends last night and they were all shocked and baffled like me, their advice was much the same as what has already been given; forget about weddings and to see if you can salvage anything from the relationship. Sadly that isn't going to happen.
We both stayed at the house last night but before I went to sleep I said I thought it would be best if she was gone tomorrow to her Mum's by the time I get home from work as I can't have her around as its too painful.
God, my last breakup was about 9 years ago and was only a v.short relationship which really took its toll on me, knowing how long it took me to get over that I fear for how long this will take for me to recover from. I am however, older, wiser and have learnt from that but this is going to be a tough one to take. I feel like i'm back to square one, having built a life, shared so many experiences, made new friends through each other, bought a home, grown up and matured with someone through so many ups and downs I feel like it's right back to the start again and having to now go back to an empty house (bar the cat) every day fills me with dread and really, really hurts.
Soldato
- Joined
- 12 Jun 2008
- Posts
- 3,011
Really sorry to hear about your situation R.O.S.S.I., I find it shocking that after 7 years she's not willing to even give it another go. The fact she's made all these decisions and been thinking about it alone without talking to you is pretty poor form. My advice would be to take each day as it comes at the moment, don't be too harsh on yourself, and keep busy with friends and family. As others have mentioned, maybe take a holiday or some time off to get your head straight.
Damn dude, really sorry to hear about that. Believe it or not, the hardest parts done with and fair play to you for manning up, discussing it and then accepting the truth of it. Many people (including myself I'm ashamed to add) grovel and squirm in it for a while, thinking there's a way to fix it.
It'll be hard dude, of course it will. Pointless telling you otherwise. I was in a similar situation 3 years ago after a 4 year relationship. It's damn tough and the best thing to do is accept that you're going to have days when it all feels like it's not worth a damn. But it WILL get better. If you handle it right, you'll even be a better person at the end of it all.
We're here if you need a good vent dude
It'll be hard dude, of course it will. Pointless telling you otherwise. I was in a similar situation 3 years ago after a 4 year relationship. It's damn tough and the best thing to do is accept that you're going to have days when it all feels like it's not worth a damn. But it WILL get better. If you handle it right, you'll even be a better person at the end of it all.
We're here if you need a good vent dude
I'm not really sure what is best to do at the moment.
Don't really feel like sodding off somewhere really and dont want to just sit at home wallowing whilst using annual leave.
There is the practicals of sorting out bills, the house, how to split up savings, joint accounts and all of that which need sorting too.
It's just a bitter pill to swallow and something which I know is going to get worse before it gets better.
Don't really feel like sodding off somewhere really and dont want to just sit at home wallowing whilst using annual leave.
There is the practicals of sorting out bills, the house, how to split up savings, joint accounts and all of that which need sorting too.
It's just a bitter pill to swallow and something which I know is going to get worse before it gets better.
Caporegime
Ouch, sorry to hear that man.
Seems to be a problem these days when people don't address problems at the start, hope they get better on their own, then give up completely when they don't :/
It's important to remember that it is not your fault, relationships are about 2 people, and she had just as much responsibility in it as you. If she felt things weren't right, but did nothing about it, how can you be responsible?
Seems to be a problem these days when people don't address problems at the start, hope they get better on their own, then give up completely when they don't :/
It's important to remember that it is not your fault, relationships are about 2 people, and she had just as much responsibility in it as you. If she felt things weren't right, but did nothing about it, how can you be responsible?