He's a 9 year old kid, he's not purposefully manipulating anyone, he's simply acting out behaviour based on emotions he's feeling. Maybe he feels like you're replacing his Dad and he's not comfortable with that, if that's the case then your attempt to take away his Xbox and start acting like a Dad will just make his behaviour worse and he'll resent you. You've already said here you don't like him, well he's going to be around for another 10 years or so and turn into a teenager in that time, based on your feelings about him at 9 years old, do you think your relationship with him is going to get better or worse when that happens? I'd start to make an effort to be his mate rather than try and be a replacement Dad, build a relationship, you need to like him and start seeing things from his point of view. Kids are smart and he'll pick up on the fact that you see him being there as getting in the way of your happy family.
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
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Soldato
Yes, you're right, I don't think he's purposefully manipulating, but he isn't exactly being truthful to his Dad, which leads us to believe he's doing it for sympathy. The stuff he says simply isn't true.
I'd much prefer us to get along, but the fact he has no repercussion for his words and actions isn't good for him either. I'm not going to be replacing his Dad, nor do I want to, and I'll not be the one banning the Xbox etc, I'll simply be reinforcing the initial punishment because my Mrs is too soft. He thinks he rules the roost, he needs to realise he doesn't. I've probably made out that I pure hate the kid, I don't, he just gets on my wick A LOT and it really grinds my gears when he's saying he has nothing, well actually kid, you've got a damn sight more than most.
Another example, I booked a week off during summer holidays, during that week we took them out 3 days running. They went swimming, crazy golf, seaside. I also took them to watch their first proper football match. The following day the Mrs asks him to come off his Xbox for 2 minutes to write on my birthday card. He has a full melt down, again saying we do nothing for him, everything's unfair and his final comment was "I have to come and write on this stupid birthday card".
He has a foul mouth, doesn't appreciate anything we do and he's gotta learn it's not acceptable.
I mean at 9 years old kids don't have an understanding of the financial sacrifices required to get them an Xbox or take him on trips away, that's normal. Maybe sit down and in a nice way talk about how expensive all the things you've done for him are, not to guilt trip him, just so he understands that you've gone out of your way to make sure he's happy because you want him to have a good life. He'll no doubt appreciate the stuff you've done for him now later on in life when he has his own house and money as long as you maintain a good relationship with him now.
@Shikkaka I have two older kids with an abusive ex and a baby with my fiancée so in a similar situation.
My missus is great with my two but like you her patience wears pretty thin when the kids are being little ******* and they can be.
The key here is showing the kid a united front with your missus, what worked for us was me letting my fiancee discipline the kids herself and supporting her decision no matter what, at least in front of the kids. Yes there have been times where I feel she's gone a little over the top but I've backed her up and then had a quiet word once the kids are in bed etc.
He's 9 I think you said. Personally I'd call a family meeting, sit them down and explain that things are going to change from now on, that you will be both firm and fair and that you and his Mum are the adults, you work together and all decisions are final but this is a fresh start. My lad may have AS so really pushes boundaries, a friend of mine who is a children's mental health nurse who specialises in behavioural problems advised us to always give a warning before acting but most importantly always follow through with what you say. For example if you say he has 10 minutes to save his game and turn off or you'll come in and switch it off yourself then do it. Or if you tell him no Ipad until after he's done chores, warn him that it will be confiscated if he goes on it before till the following day etc.
As others have said though it can't be all discipline, be firm and fair but do try to bond with him, find common ground. Sorry if this is a bit like teaching your granny to suck eggs but I wanted to try and offer something helpful.
My missus is great with my two but like you her patience wears pretty thin when the kids are being little ******* and they can be.
The key here is showing the kid a united front with your missus, what worked for us was me letting my fiancee discipline the kids herself and supporting her decision no matter what, at least in front of the kids. Yes there have been times where I feel she's gone a little over the top but I've backed her up and then had a quiet word once the kids are in bed etc.
He's 9 I think you said. Personally I'd call a family meeting, sit them down and explain that things are going to change from now on, that you will be both firm and fair and that you and his Mum are the adults, you work together and all decisions are final but this is a fresh start. My lad may have AS so really pushes boundaries, a friend of mine who is a children's mental health nurse who specialises in behavioural problems advised us to always give a warning before acting but most importantly always follow through with what you say. For example if you say he has 10 minutes to save his game and turn off or you'll come in and switch it off yourself then do it. Or if you tell him no Ipad until after he's done chores, warn him that it will be confiscated if he goes on it before till the following day etc.
As others have said though it can't be all discipline, be firm and fair but do try to bond with him, find common ground. Sorry if this is a bit like teaching your granny to suck eggs but I wanted to try and offer something helpful.
Vidar's advise sounds good, the only thing I would add is never make a threat that you aren't prepared to follow through with.
i.e. never say "I'll throw all your toys in the bin". You both know it's unrealistic and it's posturing, set threats of punishments that you will and can follow through with.
I also agree with giving advance notice about doing things, i.e. 5 minutes left of game time, or 5 minutes until TV goes off.
i.e. never say "I'll throw all your toys in the bin". You both know it's unrealistic and it's posturing, set threats of punishments that you will and can follow through with.
I also agree with giving advance notice about doing things, i.e. 5 minutes left of game time, or 5 minutes until TV goes off.
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Soldato
Had a right nightmare this week. Been in a relationship for around 4 months but it turned sour this week due to her insecurities manifesting to the point I just couldn't take it anymore. Because of her mental state, shes tried suicide which has made the entire thing even worse. I was 300 miles away at the time and she told me she had started cutting herself so I involved her family straight away. The crazy thing is, this was all over eye liner! I started to suspect she was just using me as a credit card after she told me about what she wanted for christmas and her birthday, both being a £500 phone and a £1000 holiday. She justified this demand because I'm on twice her salary so I said she was being bloody daft as I'd go out for a meal for a birthday but not throw money at someone like that and why on earth christmas needs a price tag at all is just stupid.
Now here is the really silly point - I wanted a holiday as my job is rather brutal so I started looking at last minute deals. She naturally churped up saying where she'd like to go and to be fair I liked the look of it so I booked. She said she would give me some money towards it and pay her way so I booked. After booking, I find out by that she means that she'll take £100 along with us as "emergency funds" incase we need it, yet the holiday I booked was £2072 all inclusive lol. By this point, I finally woke up and realised I was being used like the mug I am and I'm so disappointed in myself.
I phoned jet2holidays to try and cancel and they wanted to keep 90%, so I've paid another £300 and gifted the holiday to my sister and boyfriend as the thought of going alone doesn't appeal to me, nor does losing the money completely.
I honestly don't know why I bother with dating or relationships as the last few years for me have been filled with people like this who have some serious entitlement issues. Time to be single for a while and focus on myself.
Now here is the really silly point - I wanted a holiday as my job is rather brutal so I started looking at last minute deals. She naturally churped up saying where she'd like to go and to be fair I liked the look of it so I booked. She said she would give me some money towards it and pay her way so I booked. After booking, I find out by that she means that she'll take £100 along with us as "emergency funds" incase we need it, yet the holiday I booked was £2072 all inclusive lol. By this point, I finally woke up and realised I was being used like the mug I am and I'm so disappointed in myself.
I phoned jet2holidays to try and cancel and they wanted to keep 90%, so I've paid another £300 and gifted the holiday to my sister and boyfriend as the thought of going alone doesn't appeal to me, nor does losing the money completely.
I honestly don't know why I bother with dating or relationships as the last few years for me have been filled with people like this who have some serious entitlement issues. Time to be single for a while and focus on myself.
I hate the being pushed to give compliments just makes everything mechanical.
Did you want the baby or was it more her idea
I'm at the stage where I don't think we'll get married due to my partners low self esteem, she doesn't want to be seen in a wedding dress.
Marriage is something I want as my family is Catholic and we have 2 children.
I also feel like when I went away for my mum's 50th she made it so I couldn't enjoy it, mind games regarding an infection she had (she has crohns). I spent hundreds of pounds on phone calls at the time from Spain, at the time you had to pay extra. I was 21/22 years of age.
Looking back I have realised that she used mind games and guilt to stop me from seeing my friends, now my friends don't know me. They go on stag do's and all feel like I ditched them (which I did but not without it killing me inside).
Now, I feel like I'm segregated from the world, my whole reason for being is my kids and I will always have it held against me for going out with friends or even a stag do in my lifetime... I've been invited to 3 and not been able to go.
It doesn't help that my 6 year old is likely autistic and I've always put her to bed at night, but I still feel this gets used against me going on a night out. I've not been on one night out since my daughter was born July 2012, either with my partner or my friends or even family (I always drive so I get back early).
Is this a normal situation? She keeps saying how this is what happens when you grow up, but I have married friends who go on stag do's etc... I say that if we ever get married would I be allowed a stag do? And she says it's not normal to go abroad for a stag do.
I feel like I'm stuck in this situation and I don't know what to do about it, it's making me severely depressed as I'm self employed and have no interaction with friends.
Marriage is something I want as my family is Catholic and we have 2 children.
I also feel like when I went away for my mum's 50th she made it so I couldn't enjoy it, mind games regarding an infection she had (she has crohns). I spent hundreds of pounds on phone calls at the time from Spain, at the time you had to pay extra. I was 21/22 years of age.
Looking back I have realised that she used mind games and guilt to stop me from seeing my friends, now my friends don't know me. They go on stag do's and all feel like I ditched them (which I did but not without it killing me inside).
Now, I feel like I'm segregated from the world, my whole reason for being is my kids and I will always have it held against me for going out with friends or even a stag do in my lifetime... I've been invited to 3 and not been able to go.
It doesn't help that my 6 year old is likely autistic and I've always put her to bed at night, but I still feel this gets used against me going on a night out. I've not been on one night out since my daughter was born July 2012, either with my partner or my friends or even family (I always drive so I get back early).
Is this a normal situation? She keeps saying how this is what happens when you grow up, but I have married friends who go on stag do's etc... I say that if we ever get married would I be allowed a stag do? And she says it's not normal to go abroad for a stag do.
I feel like I'm stuck in this situation and I don't know what to do about it, it's making me severely depressed as I'm self employed and have no interaction with friends.
No it's not normal @Solus the married guys at work go out fairly reguarly. Somone times on a Friday night ot shift one of the guys drops his gf and the others wives off on thier night out then picks them up when he finishes around 4am
You have to work your life around your limits but you don't jist stop and sit in doors everyday
You have to work your life around your limits but you don't jist stop and sit in doors everyday
Caporegime
Thirded. That's far from normal.
Soldato
I know of 3 friends that are very rarely allowed out by their wives. And they certainly wouldn't be allowed to go abroad for a stag do or go to a night club.
I sometimes think the women are winning.
I sometimes think the women are winning.
I know of 3 friends that are very rarely allowed out by their wives. And they certainly wouldn't be allowed to go abroad for a stag do or go to a night club.
I sometimes think the women are winning.
That's because those men are weak!
Soldato
I completely agree. And tbh I lost respect for them all a long time ago. I stay in touch because of how long I've known them. But now if they call saying they are allowed out and do I wanna do something, I say I'm busy.
I've said before that when a man gets into a long term relationship with a woman she starts to separate him from his friends. I've seen it happen time and again. It also happened to me. The problem is that when it first starts men think it's easier to just agree to stay in that night, or not arrange something, because of the argument it will cause. After all it's just one night, right? But then it becomes another and another .Then she starts saying she doesn't like one or more of your friends so that starts driving a wedge between you. It just gets worse of you let it. Then it's no longer a small argument but it becomes a big argument to start getting your space and friendships back. By then it's too late because you let her win the small battles and they added up to winning the war.
I had it in my relationship too and I dont even think it was deliberate. I just thought early on that it was the right thing to do to keep her happy. Many years later I realised what had haplendd and started getting my space back. But it was a big struggle with some pretty big arguments to do it.
My advice to anyone in the early years of a relationship to be true to yourself. Don't bend too much to someone else's will. Stand firm on the small things because the small things add up over time.
I had it in my relationship too and I dont even think it was deliberate. I just thought early on that it was the right thing to do to keep her happy. Many years later I realised what had haplendd and started getting my space back. But it was a big struggle with some pretty big arguments to do it.
My advice to anyone in the early years of a relationship to be true to yourself. Don't bend too much to someone else's will. Stand firm on the small things because the small things add up over time.
I agree with all of the above, it's completely not normal.
I have two kids (age 6 and 3) and every 3-4 weeks I have a night out with my friends or arrange an activity to see them. This is especially important in the OPs case where he's self employed and not working in an office.
On the subject of stag do's, there is no normal. Some stay in the UK, others go abroad.
Isolation from your friends is not a fact of growing up, it's your partner having too much control over you. Maybe she is scared to be left alone with the kids in case her crohns flairs up, maybe you could arrange to have her family (or yours) to stay with you when you go away with your friends?
I have two kids (age 6 and 3) and every 3-4 weeks I have a night out with my friends or arrange an activity to see them. This is especially important in the OPs case where he's self employed and not working in an office.
On the subject of stag do's, there is no normal. Some stay in the UK, others go abroad.
Isolation from your friends is not a fact of growing up, it's your partner having too much control over you. Maybe she is scared to be left alone with the kids in case her crohns flairs up, maybe you could arrange to have her family (or yours) to stay with you when you go away with your friends?
It's strange in these situations, females always manage to keep all their friends but men don't. More noticeable after a break up they are out partying with their friends, posting selfies on social media. While the man is at home wondering what to do with themselves.
Two of my best friends are married with kids, before they were, I saw them every week. 18 years on I still see them every week
Could say these are friends for life.
Two of my best friends are married with kids, before they were, I saw them every week. 18 years on I still see them every week
Could say these are friends for life.Brought this up today and basically because she feels tied down I should be too. I said she can go out if she wants and I'd have the kids, but she said she's too "relied upon" and the kids would be upset without her around.
So basically I can't socialise because she feels like she can't go out, even though nothing is stopping her.
I take the kids to school and pick them up as well as taking my daughter swimming and ballet. She doesn't drive (though she does have a licence). So if anyone feels relied upon it should be me. Obviously she does the things round the house and gets them ready etc, but I'm definitely not a hands "off" dad.
Just sounds like an excuse to me, just to prevent me from going out due to whatever reason, most likely jealousy while I'm out?
So basically I can't socialise because she feels like she can't go out, even though nothing is stopping her.
I take the kids to school and pick them up as well as taking my daughter swimming and ballet. She doesn't drive (though she does have a licence). So if anyone feels relied upon it should be me. Obviously she does the things round the house and gets them ready etc, but I'm definitely not a hands "off" dad.
Just sounds like an excuse to me, just to prevent me from going out due to whatever reason, most likely jealousy while I'm out?
She's let her world get small because of the kids, so there's probably elements of her thinking you should be home supporting her, not out and having fun, and if she's stuck in this small life, then so should you be. You should probably insist that she gets some nights out where you look after the kids, and you do the same too. If there's anyone who can look after the kids, it would be good if you could both get out for a date night and remember what it was like when it was just the two of you out having a fun evening together.
It's easy to fall into a life rut where neither of you are having any fun, let alone having any fun together. You've got to work at that to make sure there's time for both of you to be yourselves again, even if only for a few hours, even if just at home when the kids are asleep.