The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Yeah don't let anyone drag you into their personal dramas and try to make you a scapegoat. That is toxic behaviour.

I would call them out on it and say I'm just not good with that stuff so don't blame me. If you just want to play some games or go for a pint then that's fine, otherwise, see ya.

Totally get where you are coming from. I would make a terrible agony aunt because I'm not comfortable having any sort of responsibility or involvement when it comes to other people's problems.
 
Newbie007 said:
I dated a woman with bpd a few years back, silent treatment was never one of her behaviors - the overreaction to something so negligible, most definitely.
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One of the things I can't handle. People who flip personality in an negative way towards their partner.

Angry for no reason. Just stresses me out
 
Newbie007 said:
I wouldn't apologise, don't see you have anything to say sorry for? You reached out to him when he was going through the initial breakup and he didn't reply with anything, nor try to talk to you.

Seems he wants someone to 'blame' and you are an easy target.
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Yeah that is what one of my friends described it as. Probably didn't help that I was with my partner whilst he was going through a breakup but I was aware of that and wouldn't ever act all lovey dovey in front of him

placeholder said:
If you felt awkward then you asking if he was ok may not have made him feel like he could talk to you so he just said yes to close the conversation. Did the rest of his behaviour suggest he was ok? Was he mooching around the house in a depression or did he actually seem to have got on with his life?

Bottom line if he is actually a good friend then mention it to him. Nothing wrong with saying "Sorry if I wasn't more help but Im crap at discussing feelings so anything past "are you ok?" will have to come from you, but don't mistake that for me not caring about your situation". If he isn't a good friend or he doesn't respond to the above then Id suggest the problem is more his than yours.
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To be honest he seemed a bit down for the first week then after that point he was pretty much going out most nights or meeting up with other friends so i didn't think anything was up - other than him being a bit off with me but i thought it was just a phase. I've known him for 15 years so he is a good friend but he was one of those types that went all distant when in a relationship

NVP said:
I'd tell them to stop being a little bitch and come shoot some pool or something. Sounds like his mental is suffering, surround him with happy social and see wagwan.
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Yeah I'll just drop him a message seeing how is doing. But I feel like I shouldn't have to bend over backwards for him

malachi said:
Reminds me of this https://knowyourmeme.com/photos/1663485-hello-human-resources



Nothing to apologies for, sounds like they are being immature.
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Narj said:
Yeah don't let anyone drag you into their personal dramas and try to make you a scapegoat. That is toxic behaviour.

I would call them out on it and say I'm just not good with that stuff so don't blame me. If you just want to play some games or go for a pint then that's fine, otherwise, see ya.

Totally get where you are coming from. I would make a terrible agony aunt because I'm not comfortable having any sort of responsibility or involvement when it comes to other people's problems.
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Yeah some people are amazing at expressing feelings/telling others how to feel about certain things. I am not that guy, though. I'd probably make it worse than it would be in the first place!
 
Junglist said:
Yeah that is what one of my friends described it as. Probably didn't help that I was with my partner whilst he was going through a breakup but I was aware of that and wouldn't ever act all lovey dovey in front of him



To be honest he seemed a bit down for the first week then after that point he was pretty much going out most nights or meeting up with other friends so i didn't think anything was up - other than him being a bit off with me but i thought it was just a phase. I've known him for 15 years so he is a good friend but he was one of those types that went all distant when in a relationship



Yeah I'll just drop him a message seeing how is doing. But I feel like I shouldn't have to bend over backwards for him





Yeah some people are amazing at expressing feelings/telling others how to feel about certain things. I am not that guy, though. I'd probably make it worse than it would be in the first place!
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This is very familiar, I had a really close friend move in with me about 3 years ago. He seemed to withdraw more and more as a year went by, then just went "I'm not renewing my contract" and moved out. I've dropped him a line a few times and the word coffee has been bandied about but ultimately he's just disappeared from my life. :(
 
LuckyBenski said:
This is very familiar, I had a really close friend move in with me about 3 years ago. He seemed to withdraw more and more as a year went by, then just went "I'm not renewing my contract" and moved out. I've dropped him a line a few times and the word coffee has been bandied about but ultimately he's just disappeared from my life. :(
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I just think he expected it to return to like when we were in our teens/early twenties or perhaps he didn't appreciate that I really like my own space. Even my friend who I lived with for longer said to me I'm the least house-mate like person he had with him as I'd be happy to be by myself but he never felt like I didn't want to or was unavailable to hang out. It's more annoying because when she moved out she took the bed so he started sleeping in the livingroom and it just made it even weirder to try and hang out in there when his boxers are strewn across the floor or you know he's just in his pants under the duvet on the sofa.

Ultimately it was his behaviour after the break up which prompted us to start looking for a house to buy.
 
So update to my situation.

Counselling didn't go the way I wanted (which I kinda knew deep down anyway) she didn't go into it with the view or sorting things out.
Albeit happy with the family life we have she was unhappy with the relationship for a few years (wish she would have said sooner)

Anyways we are going through the separation process now. I've done as much research as I possibly can.

Luckily we are amicable and we can agree on everything in regards to the children, finances, debt etc which should help things.

I plan on moving out (with a written agreement from her that I'm not disserting of abandoning her and I am doing it for the good of the family - I don't want to jeapodise the amicle relationship we have)

I've spoken to (albeit a free phone call) a family law solicitor who has said that I wouldn't lose any house rights etc and as I'm doing it with good intentions (written proof from wife) then it wouldn't compromise my situation. I've also spoken to a family member who is s conveyancing solicitor (who has knowledge in other areas too) she agreed to the above statement. And also the director of amicable.io who also agrees.

The plan is we write up a seperation agreement outlining everything and giving a timeframe for her to buy me out of the property (the longer she waits obviously the more equity I will have)

All in all its a horrendous situation to be in and my head is pounding.

My plan going forward is to move out (I don't want to take any furniture with me from the family home, I want a new chapter which will mean starting fresh)

I'm looking at a furnished apartment today (furnished for a year gives me more time to save for the more expensive items) and then move to either another unfurnished place or if the house side of things is sorted I can buy my own place.

I don't need advice like "lawyer up" we are keeping this very civilised. Our children are our number 1 priority and relationship aside this has to be the least disruptive for them.
 
Am sorry to hear that @joelk2

sadly from your previous posts it did seem like she wasn't interested in repairing the relationship, despite agreeing to counselling

It sounds like you're getting everything in place fairly quickly and am glad you've been able to keep things amicable. Fingers crossed it can remain that way

Hope the flat hunting goes well
 
secretspy said:
Am sorry to hear that @joelk2

sadly from your previous posts it did seem like she wasn't interested in repairing the relationship, despite agreeing to counselling

It sounds like you're getting everything in place fairly quickly and am glad you've been able to keep things amicable. Fingers crossed it can remain that way

Hope the flat hunting goes well
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Cheers

We both want to remain friends for the girls sake as we both know that they need us both.
 
joelk2 said:
I don't need advice like "lawyer up" we are keeping this very civilised. Our children are our number 1 priority and relationship aside this has to be the least disruptive for them.
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Glad you're getting sorted.

The only thing I would say is that if you're going to be writing up agreements then I'm not sure avoiding lawyers is a sensible approach. If it were me I'd probably want to at least get another consultation on the paperwork to ensure it's watertight.

Excuse my cynicism, I've just seen enough people completely screwed over (men and women) in the past.

Good luck dude :)
 
joelk2 said:
Hence my reason to avoid them where possible. They try and play off against each other.
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Avoid where possible, but not where necessary IMO - getting something watertight is for the protection of both parties.

Something written informally between two people is fine while it's amicable, but could be picked apart for legal loopholes down the line by either party if they were to consult a solicitor. People change, or get influenced by others acting in bad faith later on. Seen it happen plenty of times.

It's entirely your decision at the end of the day. Good luck with the fresh start. :)
 
Wider family start to get involved, takes sides, whisper etc. I'm sure there are some divorces that go off amicably without a hitch. However the experience of my parents stabbing each other in the back the moment one of them moved out is something that will forever cloud my judgement on adults being able to behave like adults while their lives fall apart.
 
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I'm going above and beyond already really.
On paper I'm giving more than my fair share in financial terms.
60/40 equity split in her favour
Also paying back our loan myself
We wouldn't want each others pensions etc (not a lot in them anyways)
We don't have savings
I'm also not going to take any possessions from the house
We have our own cars
And I'd pay the recommended child maintenance sum.
 
I got confirmation of my divorce through today. Very strange feeling. Glad that it's finally over , disappointed that it didn't work out after 27 years.

Solicitors really don't help the process a lot. Much of the time they're nothing but a very expensive post box. They do have knowledge of precedents that a lay person wouldn't have but whether or not they justify their fees is debatable.

Fubsy said:
Wider family start to get involved, takes sides, whisper etc. I'm sure there are some divorces that go off amicably without a hitch. However the experience of my parents stabbing each other in the back the moment one of them moved out is something that will forever cloud my judgement on adults being able to behave like adults while their lives fall apart.
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My ex MIL got involved. Pure poison.
 
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