The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

fredwi said:
So for the sake of us

what happens if one of you gets a job that needs to relocate will ”us” come into it?

or will the other person be binned off

I’m not being a dick just wondering if some of it is convenient ie you know each other both single etec... will history repeat itself again
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It's a good question! And something we spoke about at length yesterday. Realistically I'm now in a position where I can work from pretty much anywhere in the UK and being self employed helps a lot in that regard. For her, she's now settled back in the UK and I honestly have no real preference about where I live, so it a relocation within the UK came up, I could roll with it easily.

As to moves outside of the UK, that would be a deal breaker for sure. But there's not a huge likelihood of that happening again given our respective professions.
 
probably shouldve posted in here but the mental health thread was where i posted due to how down i was feeling. still feeling down. things still not going great. praying things will get better.
 
secretspy said:
Sorry to hear that. Did you try couples counselling?
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have a session booked tomorrow. im nervous about it and worried she's not going to go into it with an open mind and prepared to do the work involved to fix things. shes said she wants it to work for the childrens sake but i need her to want it to work for her too.

feel a bit of a let down in myself, you can give someone the world and its not enough.
 
joelk2 said:
have a session booked tomorrow. im nervous about it and worried she's not going to go into it with an open mind and prepared to do the work involved to fix things. shes said she wants it to work for the childrens sake but i need her to want it to work for her too.

feel a bit of a let down in myself, you can give someone the world and its not enough.
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If it were me I would air that concern in the session tomorrow. You need to both be completely honest to have any chance at resolving things

I know how difficult it can be when you're trying to communicate with someone and it feels like they're not really all that interested.

Try not to put yourself down (I know it's much easier said than done!) You can only do so much but the relationship involves two people - it works both ways.
 
secretspy said:
If it were me I would air that concern in the session tomorrow. You need to both be completely honest to have any chance at resolving things

I know how difficult it can be when you're trying to communicate with someone and it feels like they're not really all that interested.

Try not to put yourself down (I know it's much easier said than done!) You can only do so much but the relationship involves two people - it works both ways.
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shes barely said a word to me in 8 weeks or so. its been very difficult.

ive tried as much as i can to be normal, i speak to her but barely get a response. (generally the responses are only when the children are about)

i cant do anything more than im doing but like you said it needs us both. hopefully the counselor makes her realise that shes not got it bad at all.

i help with all cleaning
i cook regular (even if shes on half term and ive been working all day)
i do all the ironing
i get up with the kids every weekend so she can have a lie in
i do a hell of a lot of DIY which is things she wants done
ill go out of my way to do anything she wants.

it baffles me.
 
joelk2 said:
shes barely said a word to me in 8 weeks or so. its been very difficult.

ive tried as much as i can to be normal, i speak to her but barely get a response. (generally the responses are only when the children are about)

i cant do anything more than im doing but like you said it needs us both. hopefully the counselor makes her realise that shes not got it bad at all.

i help with all cleaning
i cook regular (even if shes on half term and ive been working all day)
i do all the ironing
i get up with the kids every weekend so she can have a lie in
i do a hell of a lot of DIY which is things she wants done
ill go out of my way to do anything she wants.

it baffles me.
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It doesn't have to make sense.
Try not to be too hard on yourself
 
joelk2 said:
i help with all cleaning
i cook regular (even if shes on half term and ive been working all day)
i do all the ironing
i get up with the kids every weekend so she can have a lie in
i do a hell of a lot of DIY which is things she wants done
ill go out of my way to do anything she wants.

it baffles me.
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Just my 2 pence but maybe she's seeing you as a bit of a pushover? It looks like you'll just cave to any of her demands to keep her happy or at the very least from not getting upset.

That's no way to live mate, relationships require a lot of effort from both sides for it to work.
 
joelk2 said:
shes barely said a word to me in 8 weeks or so. its been very difficult.

ive tried as much as i can to be normal, i speak to her but barely get a response. (generally the responses are only when the children are about)

i cant do anything more than im doing but like you said it needs us both. hopefully the counselor makes her realise that shes not got it bad at all.

i help with all cleaning
i cook regular (even if shes on half term and ive been working all day)
i do all the ironing
i get up with the kids every weekend so she can have a lie in
i do a hell of a lot of DIY which is things she wants done
ill go out of my way to do anything she wants.

it baffles me.
Click to expand...

Seems like she has you under her thumb if I'm honest. Why do you get up every weekend so she can have a lie in? Don't you take it in turns if you both work? Is she asking you to do these jobs and feels like nagging you or are you doing it willfully?

You seem to be smothering her; If you haven't really spoke in 8 weeks then that's some serious issues. Personally if my partner never engaged with me in 8 weeks I would be saying goodbye myself. You need to have more respect for yourself otherwise she will never have respect for you. If she's treating you like a mug then stand up to it and if she continues then break up with her, especially if she's causing you mental health issues. This all is easier said than done but in the long run you'll feel a lot better.

I pretty much binned my ex a year ago this month and although there are parts of her I miss, overall I don't miss the arguments, constant chew and guilt trips and this last year life has been great focusing on rebuilding myself from it and enjoying my own company.

You only get one life, don't waste it bending over backwards and pining over someone who clearly has lost interest with you and is affecting your health.
 
joelk2 said:
shes barely said a word to me in 8 weeks or so. its been very difficult.

ive tried as much as i can to be normal, i speak to her but barely get a response. (generally the responses are only when the children are about)

i cant do anything more than im doing but like you said it needs us both. hopefully the counselor makes her realise that shes not got it bad at all.

i help with all cleaning
i cook regular (even if shes on half term and ive been working all day)
i do all the ironing
i get up with the kids every weekend so she can have a lie in
i do a hell of a lot of DIY which is things she wants done
ill go out of my way to do anything she wants.

it baffles me.
Click to expand...

Your relationship is dead sorry. Just ask her how she wants to move on and don't waste anymore of your time with her, she's probably got her eye on someone else or is seeing someone else, women act like this when they're resentful of their current partner, normally its because they have someone else on the scene. She isn't suddenly going to be attracted to you again. You need to look after yourself first and foremost, stop trying to please her, you are a free person, take care of yourself and look after your own well being. That isn't by trying to appease a woman who doesn't give a **** about you. You wouldn't treat someone the way she's treating you so don't accept it from her. End the relationship and get out.
 
joelk2 said:
obviously struggling
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Hey fella, just so you know straight away that you are not alone, you're not the only person to have been dealt this hand, you still have a loving family and your kids will always be yours to love, no matter where they live.

You have a great forum here where you can air all of your thoughts so please continue to be open and honest so we can help you be happy again.


Now, I don't know much about your situation but from the little I have read it appears the wife doesn't love you anymore - it happens a lot, pretty much to most relationships, but the issues arise when one or both partners are not mature enough, or mentally competent enough to respectfully deal with that situation and they're lying to themselves and each other.



Couples counselling is a good way to get everything aired out, but be warned that once it is all out it is very difficult to repair if one party is unfair, or delusional, or simply uninterested.

Knowing that, perhaps prepare yourself for the chance that this might not work out and you may perhaps become a man of leisure "dealing with" dumb 21yr olds (oh, how terrible), this way you'll be hit a bit softer if she does swing.


Ask yourself this: how long ago was it that she really gave up on the marriage?

Think deep, think why, try to empathise - if there is no answer then I think things are out of your control which generally means it's game over.

I will wish you all the best to get your happiness back, whatever eventual scenario that is.



Also... man have you seen these 21yr old blondes these days???!! Divorce sounds pretty decent...
 
joelk2 said:
shes barely said a word to me in 8 weeks or so. its been very difficult.
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That's terrible. Clearly you are both unhappy. Trying to stay together just for the kids sake is a very poor reason to stay in an unhappy relationship.

I know you will go to counselling anyway as you love her and want to feel like you have tried every possible option. Seems like a waste of time though, this relationship is over, dead.
 
R.P.L said:
You banged the ex yet or what?
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It took us A whole two socially-distanced meet ups before the animalistic stuff 'clicked.' Clothes all over the place, acting like a pair of randy teenagers, nary a face mask in sight. We're now four months since our initial meet up and I have a set of keys to her house and we're off for a week's holiday all over the south west, setting off on Sunday. :)

dl8860 said:
Update required. Why was it such a good decision? Contact made with the ex yet?
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Partially because the relationship I was in was just a clownshow of waiting for the other person to grab the nettle and end it - which is yet to happen formally. I knew it was over in August last year when the culmination of little things just became utterly exhausting and I had the moment in my head where I just thought "I honestly cannot stand you any more." I wanted to believe that it was me being in a bad headspace, but the truth of it is that since I've stopped thinking about her I feel so much more positive about everything in life.

But that doesn't compare to the main reason though, it's because of what a wonderful woman my new (old?) girlfriend is. I think I intimated earlier that the reason we weren't together for so long was because we were (are?) pragmatists to the point of being on the autistic spectrum and figured, we weren't going to live near to each other, so why create the pain of a long distance relationship that will probably fail? We both knew we were on wildly different trajectories career-wise and trying to force it seemed pointless. These last few months of spending time together have absolutely flown by and I am so excited for a week away together next week to go out and catch up on all the years we missed together.

There has been very, very, very early discussions about marriage and children and we are on the same page. The 'snag' (though I think it works in our favour) is that she can't get married for the next two years as her ex-husband refuses to sign the paperwork, so it's not like we could rush into anything silly even if we wanted to.

I have been unable to get a response from the ex, but according to her social media timelines she has been out travelling the south coast of France for the last fortnight. Frankly, the thought of speaking to her again is about as appealing as sticking pins into my eyes. The thought of spunking £100 on petrol to go and see her is even less so.
 
Jonnybmac said:
Seems like she has you under her thumb if I'm honest. Why do you get up every weekend so she can have a lie in? Don't you take it in turns if you both work? Is she asking you to do these jobs and feels like nagging you or are you doing it willfully?

You seem to be smothering her; If you haven't really spoke in 8 weeks then that's some serious issues. Personally if my partner never engaged with me in 8 weeks I would be saying goodbye myself. You need to have more respect for yourself otherwise she will never have respect for you. If she's treating you like a mug then stand up to it and if she continues then break up with her, especially if she's causing you mental health issues. This all is easier said than done but in the long run you'll feel a lot better.

I pretty much binned my ex a year ago this month and although there are parts of her I miss, overall I don't miss the arguments, constant chew and guilt trips and this last year life has been great focusing on rebuilding myself from it and enjoying my own company.

You only get one life, don't waste it bending over backwards and pining over someone who clearly has lost interest with you and is affecting your health.
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i do it willing but also to make her happy. she doesnt nag.

the not speaking in 8 weeks is due to her being angry at something i did. which is where this whole escalation has come from.

Roar87 said:
Your relationship is dead sorry. Just ask her how she wants to move on and don't waste anymore of your time with her, she's probably got her eye on someone else or is seeing someone else, women act like this when they're resentful of their current partner, normally its because they have someone else on the scene. She isn't suddenly going to be attracted to you again. You need to look after yourself first and foremost, stop trying to please her, you are a free person, take care of yourself and look after your own well being. That isn't by trying to appease a woman who doesn't give a **** about you. You wouldn't treat someone the way she's treating you so don't accept it from her. End the relationship and get out.
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she hasnt got anyone else, she likes her own company way too much. ending and getting out isnt as clear cut or simple as that. Marriage, Mortgage, Children. id never walk out on them.

NVP said:
Hey fella, just so you know straight away that you are not alone, you're not the only person to have been dealt this hand, you still have a loving family and your kids will always be yours to love, no matter where they live.

You have a great forum here where you can air all of your thoughts so please continue to be open and honest so we can help you be happy again.


Now, I don't know much about your situation but from the little I have read it appears the wife doesn't love you anymore - it happens a lot, pretty much to most relationships, but the issues arise when one or both partners are not mature enough, or mentally competent enough to respectfully deal with that situation and they're lying to themselves and each other.



Couples counselling is a good way to get everything aired out, but be warned that once it is all out it is very difficult to repair if one party is unfair, or delusional, or simply uninterested.

Knowing that, perhaps prepare yourself for the chance that this might not work out and you may perhaps become a man of leisure "dealing with" dumb 21yr olds (oh, how terrible), this way you'll be hit a bit softer if she does swing.


Ask yourself this: how long ago was it that she really gave up on the marriage?

Think deep, think why, try to empathise - if there is no answer then I think things are out of your control which generally means it's game over.

I will wish you all the best to get your happiness back, whatever eventual scenario that is.



Also... man have you seen these 21yr old blondes these days???!! Divorce sounds pretty decent...
Click to expand...

i have been preparing for the worst in regards to financials and doing as much research as possible on the subject. the thing is the wife doesnt know what has made her unhappy or what she wants, this is the reason i think the counselling will help her. as far as i was aware, everything was normal. i made a mistake during lockdown which is where this all kicked off.

short story. i was messaging a female colleague moaning about work/bosses and for reasons unknown even to myself i called her pretty. i dont find her attractive and was being friendly. wife found the messages and went nuts.

A2Z said:
That's terrible. Clearly you are both unhappy. Trying to stay together just for the kids sake is a very poor reason to stay in an unhappy relationship.

I know you will go to counselling anyway as you love her and want to feel like you have tried every possible option. Seems like a waste of time though, this relationship is over, dead.
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im not a quitter. i think the counselling will help her.

the thing is im only unhappy now because of the lack of communication, i was happy before. my wife and family make me happy
 
joelk2 said:
i do it willing but also to make her happy. she doesnt nag.

the not speaking in 8 weeks is due to her being angry at something i did. which is where this whole escalation has come from.



she hasnt got anyone else, she likes her own company way too much. ending and getting out isnt as clear cut or simple as that. Marriage, Mortgage, Children. id never walk out on them.



i have been preparing for the worst in regards to financials and doing as much research as possible on the subject. the thing is the wife doesnt know what has made her unhappy or what she wants, this is the reason i think the counselling will help her. as far as i was aware, everything was normal. i made a mistake during lockdown which is where this all kicked off.

short story. i was messaging a female colleague moaning about work/bosses and for reasons unknown even to myself i called her pretty. i dont find her attractive and was being friendly. wife found the messages and went nuts.



im not a quitter. i think the counselling will help her.

the thing is im only unhappy now because of the lack of communication, i was happy before. my wife and family make me happy
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Seems a massive over reaction on her part for something so small, do you have previous for infidelity? Why was she snooping through work emails/your phone?

Sorry for the blunt question.
 
joelk2 said:
she hasnt got anyone else, she likes her own company way too much. ending and getting out isnt as clear cut or simple as that. Marriage, Mortgage, Children. id never walk out on them.
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This plus the silent treatment makes me think borderline personality disorder. I would look into this to see if some of the behaviours match up. I wouldn't write it off just yet.
 
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