The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[.Lethal]

It never ceases to amaze me how many blokes instantly imply that a woman will cheat maybe that's how your brains work but that's not necessarily how a woman behaves.

Try to look at it as guys projecting their own insecurities. There's nothing here to show she is likely to cheat, what she's shown is that she will make a decision without letting her partner know. Two completely different things.

Lol, I don't feel the need or have the inclination to elaborate on why I know and have seen evidence to show it wasn't pre-meditated in that way.

I'm probably equally to blame as clearly I appear to have made her feel like we couldn't just have an adult conversation about this; it was an impulse move and a poorly thought out one, but there are things for both of us to work on together from this. I'm happy enough that we'll be able to do that, and in a way more likely be stronger because of it.

If it happens again, then I'm a mug and I'll be getting my coat, I wouldn't be staying with it otherwise.

People can be very convincing when they want to be. I don't know either of you and of course I and others could be wrong, but with how people can be I don't believe she went over there without having a single thought either put into her head or by herself, even if she wasn't going with the intention to get it done. She clearly didn't need much persuasion.

People these days don't want to do the work when it comes to weight-loss and take shortcuts to get results.........yesterday. Yes, this mainly applies to women but lets not pretend men don't do it too when taking steroids.

As someone who has lost 85 pounds in the last 12 months through diet and exercise I'd say you're wrong.

 

[Vidar]

Having actually taken the time to read some of the other comments on the current ‘lipo scandal’... is this the paranoid-olympics or something?

The whiff I’m getting here is that the threat to the ego of having your partner cheat on you is apparently as bad as your partner actually cheating on you. That is ridiculously fragile and anyone subconsciously holding that view is a silly sausage. Heaven forbid what happens should you actually even have a falling out with your partner about something which hasn’t actually happened - game over man, game over! Meanwhile, in reality, there is always a risk that a partner will be unfaithful in all relationships and that risk is something we have to accept.

If you want to make it as dumb and black/white as some seem to be suggesting, then there is always some element of emotional dishonesty in a relationship because a relationship requires sacrifice and the choosing of a set of actions (i.e. a preferred partner) rather than another. Ideally we’d all have our cake and eat it, presumably ending up in some ridiculously big national orgy. For what it’s worth, I think it’s rather more complicated than that and that people have a huge competing spectrum of what they want and need from different people at different times.

My key point is this: There is clearly a balance to be made but I suggest that a successful ongoing relationship necessarily requires occasionally acting for your yourself at the expense of the other in the relationship and having the capacity for both individuals to deal with the consequences and forgive each other. Otherwise it’s as I suggest: fragile.

Material perpetual dishonesty in a relationship is clearly a bad thing but if you cannot recovery from an act of insulting dishonesty because of your fragile ego then the relationship should fail tbh and you should build up a bit more self resilience.

Only the OP can properly gauge if there is any ongoing dishonesty / risk and he is free to decide whether to continue to accept risk or not. There is no wrong outcome or poor choice, only an incentive to make the best choices as they present themselves and a bad decision in hindsight is not a bad decision... merely a choice taken.

Good points and advice here

 

[malachi]

As someone who has lost 85 pounds in the last 12 months through diet and exercise I'd say you're wrong.

Explain?

 

[.Lethal]

Explain?

wut?

 

[malachi]

wut?

You said I was wrong, what was I wrong about? Or you simply didn't understand my post?

 

[BongoHunter]

RE: LipoGate

Obviously not good doing something like this behind a partners back, but the OP has got quite strong views on cosmetic surgery, fair enough it's not for everyone - but if the lady in question wants to do it, it's her body and really up to her, regardless of her reasons (which we don't really know)

 

[.Lethal]

You said I was wrong, what was I wrong about? Or you simply didn't understand my post?

I'm going to assume you're perfectly capable of reading full sentences? It's clear what I said.

 

[malachi]

I'm going to assume you're perfectly capable of reading full sentences? It's clear what I said.

OK, so you want to start playing silly buggers then.

You lost 85 pounds in the last 12 months through diet and exercise. Well congratulations! You did the work to loose weight through diet and exercise. Not everybody does, like I said, people like to take shortcuts in life such as lipo instead of exercising and eating right. a lot of men take steroids to put on muscle instead of doing it naturally by going to the gym and working hard. There are plenty of articles on the internet discussing this problem.

So again, instead of being difficult. Answer my question, why do you think I am wrong?

 

[sigma]

I'm going to assume you're perfectly capable of reading full sentences? It's clear what I said.

It’s clear what you said. But what you said doesn’t tally up with the post you quoted.

 

[Outcast440]

Remember, the reason for the lipo is to attract Chad only.

do people in the UK even use the word 'Chad'??

 

[Ayahuasca]

do people in the UK even use the word 'Chad'??

Depends if you count them as people.

 

[malachi]

do people in the UK even use the word 'Chad'??

Nope but its catching on.

My younger brother is actually called Tyrone

 

[tom_e]

Imagine it was an employee who had claimed that they were going on a business trip to see a really important client and then you found out they had used the trip to cover their travel expenses for a lipo procedure.

Would you sack that employee? Of course you would! Relationships should be no different!

My boss wouldn't be too impressed if I walked into the office with balls swinging in the wind, luckily my mrs doesn't think we're in some sort of employer employee relationship or I'd have been sacked long ago.

 

[Maundie]

@Thomas. PLease. This would definitely signal the end of the relationship for me, I am also against cosmetic procedures but feel that if my wife wanted one we would sit down and discuss it like adults and I would air my grievances but would ultimately say to her "It's your choice and if you're adamant you want this procedure lets both go and we can have a holiday as part of it but lets wait until this pandemic is over and I'll gladly accompany you" as I'd want to be there for her during the recovery process.

What she has done is deliberately deceived you and to compound it has lied to you on several occasions, for me the trust in the relationship is gone and I think what others are saying if she can lie to you about this what else can she lie to you about, to me this is a massive lie that could've (may still yet if she gets infections etc.) had terrible life changing consequences health wise that you both may have to deal with and not some little fib like the price of a handbag/shoes etc.

 

[omnomnom]

Imagine it was an employee who had claimed that they were going on a business trip to see a really important client and then you found out they had used the trip to cover their travel expenses for a lipo procedure.

Would you sack that employee? Of course you would! Relationships should be no different!

LOL what?

I reckon the OP is controlling so the partner doesn't think she can speak to him. Theres no shame in getting a cosmetic procedure so what reason would she have not to tell him? There isnt one unless said person would stop it from happening.

 

[Ayahuasca]

LOL what?

I reckon the OP is controlling so the partner doesn't think she can speak to him. Theres no shame in getting a cosmetic procedure so what reason would she have not to tell him? There isnt one unless said person would stop it from happening.

Yeah, no. Maybe in your world where you think everyone is oppressed.

It’s nothing to do with shame, she’s told him it was a last minute decision in a country with a track record for bodged procedures.

Trying to pin the whole situation on the OP for being controlling is just as bad as those who were claiming she’s going to cheat.

 

[vanpeebles]

The fact it was done just before a house move would set all the alarm bells going for me.

 

[ahar]

@Thomas. PLease.

If I were in your situation, the thing that would annoy me is that it clearly wasn't a last minute decision. She would have had a pretty good idea that she was going to do it when agreeing to go on the trip with her sister - its not like botox where you can just wander in on the day, there would have been a pre-op consultation etc.

Its the sustained deception that I would find hard to swallow. She lied multiple times, that's not a good thing. End of the relationship? Only you can decide that. We all do stupid things and get in a headspace that drives us on a path we know isn't right. I think if I were you I'd be happier if she realised what she'd done, not the lipo but the ongoing deception.

 

[Arsonist]

Sort of a relationship counciling and hugs / dadsnet thread, bear with me...

Got a 3 month old son, living with my partner (been together nearly 7 years), love each other, fairly strong relationship etc. She moved in with me about 2 years ago, away from her home city and family etc (I also live 250 miles from my home city/family) as I have a decent, but very niche job here. She's always had a career in social care back home, but had to move into banking when she moved here. However since the virus, her job are pushing her into a team she doesn't want to be in, and while she's been here she's had no luck getting back into social care - no degree etc, her old jobs were always because she knew the people/places/exact job so worked up the ladder. Not having the official qualifications have been the biggest issue in her getting a job where we currently live.

She's now been offered an almost certain social care manager job back home on a good salery, which will also include the option to get a degree alongside it over 3 years. However this is 150 miles from where my job is...

She's really unhappy in her current job, and I want her to get a degree and work in the sector she loves. But my options of moving are exceptionally low - what I do is very niche, and certainly doesn't exist elsewhere at the moment. I also just moved up the ladder and have amazing opportunities ahead of me right now.

I'm really anxious with the idea of her moving, bacially back home with her mum for this job, especially as she'll most certainly take our son with her. We were about to buy a house together (but pulled out due to CV), and I'm just struggling to balance her needs for a good job/happy work life, with us as a family unit growing and developing together, or rather not, for the next 3 or so years...

The plus side is, her mum could help with a few days a week of child care, and she'd be earning 8k more ish per year on her starting salery, plus getting a degree.

Is anyone else in a similar situation? Not sure how I should be feeling or reacting. She was really upset and saying it was best for her to pull out of the job, but that also doesn't sit righ with me. It's a bit of a head screwer!

 

[swillsy]

...GF Exodus...

It sounds like a toughie! Both scenarios have a winner/loser: if she goes she can get a payrise and degree at home (which is good in the long run) or she stays and you can see your brand new(!) kid but she "has" to stay in her job.
I can't beleive there is an issue getting social care job if she already has experience and isn't a criminal as its an industry prone to people going off sick and needing maternity cover etc. I would be asking her to spend 3 months REALLY looking for a job locally before talking to her old place (it sounds like that could be just an easy option as its something she knows already)