Why are you, the guy, the one trying to have a chat about a serious relationship? And this is the advice being given? Also not sure why you're questioning whether she wants to be in a relationship with you if she's seeing you and being intimate or whatever, have some self confidence jesus. Allow things to happen naturally, although obviously with lock down it's more difficult to do the regular "couple" things like a weekend away together, but I'd at least gauge her interest in doing something like that when restrictions are lifted.
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
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If you need to know now you need to know.
It's not unusual for it to be 3-6 months for someone to decide.
If you haven't had the exclusivity chat that, be careful bringing it up. I wouldn't just ask 'are we exclusive?' they might take Offense. They shouldn't. But you know.
If I was in your shoes (I was)...id also want to know. I would expect exclusivity, and to be honest, if after 2 months it wasn't. Id end it. As that's not the sort of person I'd want. Hopefully you know she is even if it hasn't been asked directly.
If you have approached the subject and she's dodged it, it also be 'anxious' if I was invested.
It's not wrong for people to wait 6 months etc. But what's difficult if you both aren't aligned.
After 2 months I'd expect some level of commitment. After 4 months I'd want relationship status.
These are max limits for me.
Basically, if you imagine waiting 6 months. You are like to only get one shot a year. That's a long time to be in limbo.
Everyone is different
Tough words but fair words. Yes maybe this is a self confidence thing. I would describe her as being well out of my league is probably why. And maybe I'm being harsh on myself and my 'score', but I think it's safe to say that women have more options...
We went away recently for a short trip to the famous ski slopes down the south of country. Had a lovely time. Going away again this weekend.
Maybe you are right and I am angsting too much.
Thanks for your words. To be honest I hadn't even thought about exclusivity I thought that was normal? Wouldn't even contemplate seeing more than one person at once. I'm not an animal... I don't think she is that kind of person either but maybe I need to clarify? What a weird world...
I get wanting to not appear to eager (in interest of fairness I'm sure some blokes scatter when women are too over eager..) I just have fairly clear decision making in my mind. Don't get me wrong can get in relationship and change mind....but questions over being in a relationship is strange to me.
Juts going to preface my comment with.. It's not so much the time. It's the amount of time you've spent together.
Let's say it's normal times. And you see each other 2-3 times a week and have done a number of overnight stays. Maybe even a mini break.
If all. Is well. After a 3rd of a year id hope the other person would also know if its worth a real go
Let's say it's normal times. And you see each other 2-3 times a week and have done a number of overnight stays. Maybe even a mini break.
If all. Is well. After a 3rd of a year id hope the other person would also know if its worth a real go
I'd want to know about exclusivity.
I'd definitely say you should know by now, ie, no doubts. Bringing it up directly could make her think you assume she is 'easy' and wreck things if she's also of same mindset as you, in that she just couldn't imagine otherwise
Does that make sense?
Probably because OP stated he doesn't want a casual relationship with her?
Well yes....welcome to today's dating world my friend
How old are you and how long have you been single? Because if I was your position, I would be dating more women, not just sticking to one after an 10 year relationship. Otherwise you wouldn't be having this problem and move onto the next woman you have in your basket.
Women have WAY more options than us when it comes to the selection of the opposite sex. She said that it had been 4 years since her last relationship but I bet during that 4 years she been casual with many other guys and never been exclusive due to the amount of options she has, hence why she's never called up you both being exclusive.
P.S. Never assume anything unless you get an definite answer from them.
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This.
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Well yes....welcome to today's dating world my friend
Not todays dating world either, back between 1974 to 1980 I was dating my future wife but strayed now and then, as soon as I made a commitment of an engagement ring and marriage I've never strayed and that was 40 years ago.
There isn't a book on 'how to', you do what you feel is right and at the time what I did was right because it ended up cementing feelings that I wanted nothing else but her.
I understand it wouldn't work for everybody.
Dating back in the 1974 to 1980 or even 10 years ago is different compared to today's dating world due to internet dating.
I'm not saying people didn't stray now and then. But now with the rise of internal dating its just to be expected as its easier to hook up with people from around the world and not be restricted to the town, city, village you are living in.
People are less likely to commit quickly or even come back to the person they dated a few months ago with unlimited options out there thanks to the internet.
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Yeah the problem is mine then, was bought up in a fairly religious environment, so idea of casual dating isn't something I am comfortable or want to engage in. Also probably source of my concerns as I would not usually have moved this fast, so dug myself into a bit of a hole...
Ideally I'd like to find someone with the same mentality as myself but I definitely think it is harder to do...
Ideally I'd like to find someone with the same mentality as myself but I definitely think it is harder to do...
Looking for some advice, I won't go into too much detail.
Long story short, we rushed into things without getting to know each other properly and well, it's backfired. I've been unhappy for 2 and a half years. I had a plan to leave at the end of 2020 but then COVID happened, she got furloughed, has subsequently been made redundant. I'm still working.
We live in a rented house together, 3 kids, 1 of which is mine. I have a house which I rent out. We're currently doing counselling sessions to try and "fix" it. Whilst I am feeling much happier in myself, I'm still not feeling the relationship, we're not reconnecting, I'm 99% sure I want out but there's 1% of me that is ******** myself. I would like to see my son 50% of the time, initially this caused an argument and the old 'court' got mentioned. Since then she's said she was just angry/upset and she knows that me seeing my son is the best for him... I'm still very concerned if I do leave I'm gonna have a battle on to see him but what can you do besides fight for that?
Anyhow, my questions are...
- Should I seek any sort of legal advice? She's never contributed towards my mortgage and we've never lived there together.
- We've 12k in savings, I would like to take £2k of this, she can keep the rest.
- She can keep all furniture. I just want my TV, sound system, Xbox and all my tools, gym kit in the garage.
Is there anything else I need to consider? We're not married, we don't have any assets other than the savings. We've minimal debt. £800 in her name, £1250 in mine. Only think connecting us is our son.... I think.
Long story short, we rushed into things without getting to know each other properly and well, it's backfired. I've been unhappy for 2 and a half years. I had a plan to leave at the end of 2020 but then COVID happened, she got furloughed, has subsequently been made redundant. I'm still working.
We live in a rented house together, 3 kids, 1 of which is mine. I have a house which I rent out. We're currently doing counselling sessions to try and "fix" it. Whilst I am feeling much happier in myself, I'm still not feeling the relationship, we're not reconnecting, I'm 99% sure I want out but there's 1% of me that is ******** myself. I would like to see my son 50% of the time, initially this caused an argument and the old 'court' got mentioned. Since then she's said she was just angry/upset and she knows that me seeing my son is the best for him... I'm still very concerned if I do leave I'm gonna have a battle on to see him but what can you do besides fight for that?
Anyhow, my questions are...
- Should I seek any sort of legal advice? She's never contributed towards my mortgage and we've never lived there together.
- We've 12k in savings, I would like to take £2k of this, she can keep the rest.
- She can keep all furniture. I just want my TV, sound system, Xbox and all my tools, gym kit in the garage.
Is there anything else I need to consider? We're not married, we don't have any assets other than the savings. We've minimal debt. £800 in her name, £1250 in mine. Only think connecting us is our son.... I think.
Good to follow a religion but when it comes to human nature and relationships, need to update your beliefs.
We a not biological programmed to stay with one person all our lives. Just like everything else in the animal kingdom.
Having current relevant experience of this unfortunately:-
- Many will say you need legal people involved for everything. I think this is down to the situation. If you both love your son, regardless of all but the worse circumstances (e.g. cheating, beating, stealing etc) you should both be able to work through an amicable split for the mutual benefit of your child. Yes discussions will be challenging, yes threats will be made of going to see a solicitor but at end of the day it does not need to be this way. We just paid for legal to sort out deeds for house which you need to do anyway. Everything else we agreed between us. It was tough with MANY a painful argument and hurtful things exchanged.
Big thing to agree is the child rota. Make sure you get 50/50 split or as close to practicable, Get it down on paper and agreed. For me that was the most important thing and tempers relaxed a bit more once we both realised we were not out to erase the other from our kids lives.
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That's not true - Penguins and ostriches mate for life and only last night I watched a safari program showing a type of flamingo that mates for life.
Pretty sure you'd find way more.
True but there’s a reason why monogamy is most prevalent in birds. They lay eggs. If the mother was solo and had to go and feed herself she’d have to leave her eggs unattended, so it’s good for birds to work as a team. At least when female mammals are pregnant they can carry and thus protect their unborn children and remain mobile.
Not sure I know of any mammals that are monogamous in nature (not saying it’s not possible I just don’t know any).
I’m trying to get my head around your thoughts that the woman involved may not be committing as she thinks that she can do better.
You’ll have to forgive me, all my relationships, affairs, liaisons, call them what you will, occurred way back in the mists of time.
I had my share of involvements with the opposite sex, but I never once thought, “I can do better than her, but she’ll do until I find someone better.”
If I was “with” someone, I was with her because I thought that she was the greatest thing since sliced bread, not the greatest thing until something better turns up.
My way of meeting women may sound off the wall to you guys that are “in the life” now, but it was the norm for me in the good old days.
If I saw someone that attracted me, I’d try to get closer to her without alarming her, or taking me for a weird stalker.
Open with something nice and easy to put her at ease, smile, say the right things, give her plenty of space, don’t crowd her, and within 5 minutes you’ll see if she’s warming to you, or if you should just back off gracefully.
Forgive me if I’m reading you wrong, but you give me the impression that after a 10 year relationship, you are anxious to become part of a loved up couple again, you’re coming off as appearing desperate.
Good luck though, I had some great single years, but a loving relationship is better.
Beavers?
Apparently they do, also penguins, puffins, coyotes, albatrosses, gibbons, barn owls, geese, pigeons, (yes really, pigeons), a few others, but the ones that surprised me, although I don’t know why they should, was America’s emblem, Bald Eagles.