The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[joelk2]

I don't think someone who has been starved of intimacy and affection needs very long to find someone new.

with lockdown its not been the ideal circumstances but ive been out walking and exploring more than ive ever done before. ive had a solid 6 months of working from home and only going out for food shopping and to pickup/drop off the kids. In this time Ive kinda realised that i want what ive missed for so many years (as sad as it sounds, just cuddling upto someone on the sofa watching a film would be nice)

Every situation is different. It's appropriate to start dating again when it feels right to you and you know that the kids will be OK with it.

i have no idea how the kids would feel, they took the breakup and me moving out better than i could have ever expected. as above i do feel like i would like to date again.

There is no appropriate? Do what you want to do, people it doesn’t affect don’t get to have an opinion. You look after yourself and your kids.

Bare in mind, as soon as you start bringing other women around, your ex might see you as attractive again and try and make a move on you.

Cheers, i guess im just the type of person who doesnt wanna upset anyone (ie the ex) and its completely over between us so there is no going back now. although fairly lonely ive been happier than ive been in such a long time.

i signed up to pof a week back (mainly out of curiousity) and matched with someone local, we've been speaking a lot and she seems really nice. im an honest and open person so shes fully aware of my situation and she still seems keen. ive never been in this situation before so was just looking for advice really.
you've all been helpful though.

 

[Steampunk]

Back on topic...

Just broke up with my gf of over 2 years. She had lots of drama going on in her life and it just all got a bit too much.

Strange feelings as it's a mix of sadness and relief at the same time.

Sorry to hear that, but it's probably for the best. Now you're out of it and feeling relieved, you're probably realising how stressful it is to live in someone else's drama.

 

[Steampunk]

How long after being with someone is it appropriate to start dating again?

When you feel ready. No one else can decide that but you, and there is no particular time. The only thing worth noting is that if you're still emotionally hung up on your ex, then you're probably not ready. Once you feel you're putting the past behind you, then you can move forwards with a degree of fairness to a new person. Otherwise you're likely to be looking for a rebound person, which may not be fair to them, and can undermine a new relationship before it gets started.

 

[Gengar]

How long after being with someone is it appropriate to start dating again?

my wife and I split last year, it wasn’t fun at the time but I came to realise quickly that things hadn’t been right for years and we were just together for the kids.
(We lived separate lives, slept in different rooms, no intimacy) we were together 13 years and married for almost 10 of those. Albeit seemly just room mates in reality.

THIS.
Almost identical situation for me. We did have intimacy though (but not a lot, and always felt forced particularly in year before she told me she wanted out). We did have good times in the past I am sure but I think with 3 kids and 2 busy careers we just lost touch with each other. In the end she realised she had come to pretty much hate me. We have lived together for past 12 months still whilst her new build house was getting built (just a couple of streets down to our current house which I have bought her out of). So perfect situation for kids - they have been able to watch the new house get built which has helped them adapt too. WIth lockdown it has been to put it mildy probably the most miserable period of my life. But on the other hand I have realised how easy it is to take everything in life for granted. I will emerge from this a better person. We have everything agreed around kid rota, kids know what is happening and are fine. In reality not a lot will change other than being in separate houses now as when I look back on it, she had checked out of the marriage about 3 years ago after birth of our 3rd child. And other than holidays once a year - our weekend activities were usually one or the other of us taking the kids out for the day as we both liked different things. It is easy to feel like everyone els's marriages are perfect and full of love and affection - but I know from speaking to some of mates, their marriages are not exactly rosy either.

I look to the future but have no interest currently in dating again. The thought of sharing my life with a significant other and compromising again so soon just does not appeal. I am excited about the prospect one day in the future of finding someone new, but for now it will wait. I will focus on my kids and myself.

I used to think you didn't need to share the same interests as your SO so long as you had shared values, morals and beliefs etc in life - but I think differently now. If there is too much difference there, it just leads to resentment in the long run as you both just dont "get" each other.

 

[Jonnybmac]

THIS.
Almost identical situation for me. We did have intimacy though (but not a lot, and always felt forced particularly in year before she told me she wanted out). We did have good times in the past I am sure but I think with 3 kids and 2 busy careers we just lost touch with each other. In the end she realised she had come to pretty much hate me. We have lived together for past 12 months still whilst her new build house was getting built (just a couple of streets down to our current house which I have bought her out of). So perfect situation for kids - they have been able to watch the new house get built which has helped them adapt too. WIth lockdown it has been to put it mildy probably the most miserable period of my life. But on the other hand I have realised how easy it is to take everything in life for granted. I will emerge from this a better person. We have everything agreed around kid rota, kids know what is happening and are fine. In reality not a lot will change other than being in separate houses now as when I look back on it, she had checked out of the marriage about 3 years ago after birth of our 3rd child. And other than holidays once a year - our weekend activities were usually one or the other of us taking the kids out for the day as we both liked different things. It is easy to feel like everyone els's marriages are perfect and full of love and affection - but I know from speaking to some of mates, their marriages are not exactly rosy either.

I look to the future but have no interest currently in dating again. The thought of sharing my life with a significant other and compromising again so soon just does not appeal. I am excited about the prospect one day in the future of finding someone new, but for now it will wait. I will focus on my kids and myself.

I used to think you didn't need to share the same interests as your SO so long as you had shared values, morals and beliefs etc in life - but I think differently now. If there is too much difference there, it just leads to resentment in the long run as you both just dont "get" each other.

It really does. I plan to find someone who shares the same interests I do otherwise you just end up living two seperate lives.

As for when to meet someone I would say when you feel like you don't need to rather than need to. Be happy with yourself and create a life where anyone extra would be an addition to your happiness rather than something that makes you happy. Too many people rely on other people to make them happy when they arent happy with the main person in their life, which is themselves.

I'm in the process of buying my own house and can't wait to move in. Gaming room downstairs and nobody to tell me what I can and can't do or argue with I can't wait lol

 

[.Lethal]

I used to think you didn't need to share the same interests as your SO so long as you had shared values, morals and beliefs etc in life - but I think differently now. If there is too much difference there, it just leads to resentment in the long run as you both just dont "get" each other.

What was so different that you both went and did separate things with the kids? I've always found having different hobbies and interests to be a good thing, although I've never felt strongly enough to completely ignore my partners interests.

 

[Jonnybmac]

What was so different that you both went and did separate things with the kids? I've always found having different hobbies and interests to be a good thing, although I've never felt strongly enough to completely ignore my partners interests.

I guess it all depends how much free time each other has and how much you value your hobbies.

I found what little time we did have, having busy lives I wanted to spend a quantity of it doing my own hobbies and I sacrificed a lot of my previous hobbies to make time with my ex which over time you begin to resent.

If you share the same interests and hobbies you wouldn't face these types of comflicts. We always said opposites attract and sometimes they do but in our case they didn't and we were living a lie. The only thing we really had in common was to spend a night in bed boning or watching a TV series. She hated me gaming, was a morning person and hated staying up past 9pm, where as I was a night person and hated mornings so there were conflicts on noise if I woke her up she would make a point to wake me up.
She hated heights where as enjoy climbing as a hobby. She hated anything with a hill where as I loved hiking and used to get moaned at if the route wasn't flat.
She used to enjoy going out drinking, holidays sat round a pool melting in the sun where as I preferred to have an adventure.

 

[joelk2]

@Jonnybmac

Most of what you say rings true with me too.
So my eldest is 9 after she was born the intimacy stopped. She had no interest in sex, where as I’m quite a high libido guy. We decided to have another child a few years later and then for the last 6 years it was almost just a yearly birthday treat. Not because she wanted it but she complied because I did. When it did happen there was no foreplay either, just down to business, no effort on her end and sleep after. I asked her numerous times if it was me or what the actual issue was as I wanted them resolved but her response was that she had no interest in it and could happily live without it.
Even to the point that having a kiss was a yearly occurrence.

I’m not the type to stray and I enjoyed the family aspect, I’d spend as much time with my children as I could. We did do day trips together and holidays as we did like travelling but it was like we were 2 mates with children.

looking back we should have called it quits a loony time ago but with a house, marriage and children it was just easier to carry on as we were. Despite neither of us being happy on the inside.

no one really knows what’s going on behind closed doors, from the exterior i can imagine it pretty much looked like we were a normally happy couple.

the time alone albeit nice not having to answer to anyone I long for what I was missing!
I’ve moved not far away as it’s easy for pickup and drop off and I get to see the children a lot which was my biggest fear. we’ve agreed everything as far as who is responsible for what monetary wise and children wise and we created a separation agreement which we were both happy with.

she is currently in the process of sorting out finances to buy my percentage of the property (I’ve lowballed what I want percentage wise but I’m happy with it and it will make the whole process easier for her and therefore quicker)
were opting for a 2 year no fault divorce as it’s exactly that and no fault although I think there is something coming this year meaning we wouldn’t have to wait 2 years.
At the end of the day we still speak, we both have to be there for the children and it’s in their best interest if things stay civil between us.

sorry for the waffle. I moved from my home town to be with her leaving my family / friends behind. All new friends I have are couples that we both know so I don’t feel like I can talk to them! Sometimes you just need to get things off your chest.

 

[Deleted member 77746]

I’m quite a high libido guy

.. And all the girlies say, I'm pretty high for a libido guy....

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis

 

[jonnypb]

with lockdown its not been the ideal circumstances but ive been out walking and exploring more than ive ever done before. ive had a solid 6 months of working from home and only going out for food shopping and to pickup/drop off the kids. In this time Ive kinda realised that i want what ive missed for so many years (as sad as it sounds, just cuddling upto someone on the sofa watching a film would be nice)



i have no idea how the kids would feel, they took the breakup and me moving out better than i could have ever expected. as above i do feel like i would like to date again.



Cheers, i guess im just the type of person who doesnt wanna upset anyone (ie the ex) and its completely over between us so there is no going back now. although fairly lonely ive been happier than ive been in such a long time.

i signed up to pof a week back (mainly out of curiousity) and matched with someone local, we've been speaking a lot and she seems really nice. im an honest and open person so shes fully aware of my situation and she still seems keen. ive never been in this situation before so was just looking for advice really.
you've all been helpful though.

Go for it, kids handle situations much better than we give them credit for.

 

[413x]

@Jonnybmac

Most of what you say rings true with me too.
So my eldest is 9 after she was born the intimacy stopped. She had no interest in sex, where as I’m quite a high libido guy. We decided to have another child a few years later and then for the last 6 years it was almost just a yearly birthday treat. Not because she wanted it but she complied because I did. When it did happen there was no foreplay either, just down to business, no effort on her end and sleep after. I asked her numerous times if it was me or what the actual issue was as I wanted them resolved but her response was that she had no interest in it and could happily live without it.
Even to the point that having a kiss was a yearly occurrence.

I’m not the type to stray and I enjoyed the family aspect, I’d spend as much time with my children as I could. We did do day trips together and holidays as we did like travelling but it was like we were 2 mates with children.

looking back we should have called it quits a loony time ago but with a house, marriage and children it was just easier to carry on as we were. Despite neither of us being happy on the inside.

no one really knows what’s going on behind closed doors, from the exterior i can imagine it pretty much looked like we were a normally happy couple.

the time alone albeit nice not having to answer to anyone I long for what I was missing!
I’ve moved not far away as it’s easy for pickup and drop off and I get to see the children a lot which was my biggest fear. we’ve agreed everything as far as who is responsible for what monetary wise and children wise and we created a separation agreement which we were both happy with.

she is currently in the process of sorting out finances to buy my percentage of the property (I’ve lowballed what I want percentage wise but I’m happy with it and it will make the whole process easier for her and therefore quicker)
were opting for a 2 year no fault divorce as it’s exactly that and no fault although I think there is something coming this year meaning we wouldn’t have to wait 2 years.
At the end of the day we still speak, we both have to be there for the children and it’s in their best interest if things stay civil between us.

sorry for the waffle. I moved from my home town to be with her leaving my family / friends behind. All new friends I have are couples that we both know so I don’t feel like I can talk to them! Sometimes you just need to get things off your chest.

Have to wonder how common this is.
We also had same. Mismatch libido. Now with my partners condition it really feels like house mates. With added guilt when I do my hobbies she can't. I proposely 'turn off' intimate thoughts. As it's just torture.

It's a bit different as we did have the some of the same Hobbies. But my gf can't do them anymore. So have the mismatch libido, plus her condition impacts that, but really, more importantly, we only really watch TV together and stuff like that.

It's definitely the elephant in the room.

It's really really hard. I dunno whether this is just life now. We are both (obviously her more than me) the we can never do the things we like doing again.

My dream holiday is to go and see the monarch butterflies in Mexico. But with her condition, I don't even know if things like this are off the cards as she can only walk a mile without pain

 

[Gengar]

What was so different that you both went and did separate things with the kids? I've always found having different hobbies and interests to be a good thing, although I've never felt strongly enough to completely ignore my partners interests.

First few years we both compromised on each others interests. It is again eerily similair to JoelK2 and bmac though! Except I am a definite morning person. I love the outdoors, she does not. She likes pubs/social media/socialising/ sitting about all day, I do not. I cannot sit at a pool all day for example. I need to be out adventuring. I used to think having different hobbies and interests to be good as well - but it becomes a problem if one partner is passionate about theirs but the other does not really have a hobby they are passionate about. She didn't understand why I need to go for a run most days for example. And that just breeds resentment over the years.


When we first met , she came walking/hiking with me. I went out with her to places she liked. We did what a lot of couples have to do and that is compromise. When kids come along and you both work, you find that that 1 hour spare each evening or a couple of hours on a weekend you still want to have your own interests too. SO for me, I liked to try and get an hour of gaming in at night or run/cycle for a couple of hours on the weekend. I love my hobbies and I love my kids. I love sharing my hobbies with my kids now too. So I wanted to take them out on bikes, long walks, hiking muddy woods etc which over time she just stopped coming. We both became set in our ways and generally stopped accommodating each other like we used to. I will be biased and say she had a bigger problem with me than I ever had with her. Being a guy I was mostly oblivious to the resentment building in. Now when I look back, having gone through the grief cycle and owning my part of it all, I have come to better understand what a healthy relationship/marriage should be. We shouldn't be miserable all the time. We shouldn't have to walk on egg shells. And we shouldn't have to be made to feel guilty if we want to pursue or hobbies and interests. It is not about being selfish - it is about being able to still be yourself in a relationship. To be understood at a fundamental level and accepted for who you are.

I have probably realised now that I either need someone who is passionate about their own hobbies and so can understand why I am passionate about mine OR be passionate about the same things I am.

The default position for evenings otherwise was sit down and watch TV. It was easy. It avoided arguments, mostly. And it probably helped us both think things were normal. I probably would never have ended things though. But for her she was feeling it for far longer and with far deeper than I was. That was hard to hear to be honest.

She hated anything with a hill where as I loved hiking and used to get moaned at if the route wasn't flat.
.

My god so familiar. When we did go on family walks together she would complain continuously about any hill and accuse me of lying if there was a hill and complain about the slightest bit of mud. When we were dating this was never an issue!

We are remaining amicable. I am hopeful it will remain like this and the passage of time will improve things from a friendship point of view or at least to a point we she doesn't hate the site of me every time I walk in the room!

 

[413x]

This is why I'm so frustrated with my situation. My gf liked all this and now can't do it.

It's really difficult finding outdoorsy girls. I go to my MTB meets and kayaking meets and 90 percent are guys.

Not so bad surfing, but still male dominated.


I personally believe opposites do not attract. Obviously don't have to be identical. This is also not good. But if you have completly different tastes in long run, when the relationship is 'normal' and out of honeymoon its quite likely you'll just end up doing everything separately

 

[CrimsonAvenger]

How long after being with someone is it appropriate to start dating again?

my wife and I split last year, it wasn’t fun at the time but I came to realise quickly that things hadn’t been right for years and we were just together for the kids.
(We lived separate lives, slept in different rooms, no intimacy) we were together 13 years and married for almost 10 of those. Albeit seemly just room mates in reality.

Think that's a very subjective question and it varies by person from my own experience and other's that I know who have gone through a break up. I would say do what's right for you but be ready for being judged maybe when you do start to date as that might well come up.

 

[Jonnybmac]

@Jonnybmac

Most of what you say rings true with me too.
So my eldest is 9 after she was born the intimacy stopped. She had no interest in sex, where as I’m quite a high libido guy. We decided to have another child a few years later and then for the last 6 years it was almost just a yearly birthday treat. Not because she wanted it but she complied because I did. When it did happen there was no foreplay either, just down to business, no effort on her end and sleep after. I asked her numerous times if it was me or what the actual issue was as I wanted them resolved but her response was that she had no interest in it and could happily live without it.
Even to the point that having a kiss was a yearly occurrence.

sorry for the waffle. I moved from my home town to be with her leaving my family / friends behind. All new friends I have are couples that we both know so I don’t feel like I can talk to them! Sometimes you just need to get things off your chest.

No need to appolagise sometimes its good to vent. I don't understand how people put up with a life of no intemacy though. My friend has to earn "nookie tokens" for jobs which hes amounted so many he won't cash what he has now in for the remainder of his days. I could never be with a female who put out less than once a week never mind a year!

You can always rekindle with old friends or make new. Get a hobby and join something like a gym to meet new people with likeminded interests I'm always meeting new people - I'm off to Peru next year to climb a mountain with someone I only only met last year doing a winter hike with, 2 others I havent seen for 15+ years and 6 I don't even know lol

My god so familiar. When we did go on family walks together she would complain continuously about any hill and accuse me of lying if there was a hill and complain about the slightest bit of mud. When we were dating this was never an issue!

We are remaining amicable. I am hopeful it will remain like this and the passage of time will improve things from a friendship point of view or at least to a point we she doesn't hate the site of me every time I walk in the room!

haha it was a nightmare trying to find walks that were completely flat as I would get the same. "Why do you always do this and theres hills"

This is why I'm so frustrated with my situation. My gf liked all this and now can't do it.

It's really difficult finding outdoorsy girls. I go to my MTB meets and kayaking meets and 90 percent are guys.

Not so bad surfing, but still male dominated.


I personally believe opposites do not attract. Obviously don't have to be identical. This is also not good. But if you have completly different tastes in long run, when the relationship is 'normal' and out of honeymoon its quite likely you'll just end up doing everything separately

Yeah I get envious when out in the hills seeing couples who both seem to love the outdoors lol it seems very rare but when you're out it doesnt seem that rare

 

[CrimsonAvenger]

I personally believe opposites do not attract. Obviously don't have to be identical. This is also not good. But if you have completly different tastes in long run, when the relationship is 'normal' and out of honeymoon its quite likely you'll just end up doing everything separately

People do change though with likes and dislikes. Some people don't change much at all.

 

[Steampunk]

Isn't there some adage about women marrying a man and trying to change him into something else, where men marry a woman and want her to stay the same?

I think they did some research on opposites attracting, and it while it can work for initial attraction, for a long term relationship, it doesn't work. If you don't align with your partner on most of the fundamental things, it's just not going to work.

 

[413x]

Isn't there some adage about women marrying a man and trying to change him into something else, where men marry a woman and want her to stay the same?

I think they did some research on opposites attracting, and it while it can work for initial attraction, for a long term relationship, it doesn't work. If you don't align with your partner on most of the fundamental things, it's just not going to work.

Fundamentals are particularly important

Money,
marriage,
kids (biggest one for me, at least its easy to be clear on it!) ,
career,
outdoorsy or stay at home.

Even things like morning/night type of person.

The kids one blocks out 90 percent or more of the under 35 group, its a big big deal.

 

[malachi]

The fundamentals such as money is always a big thing. Can be a nightmare and breakdown many relationships.

 

[joelk2]

No need to appolagise sometimes its good to vent. I don't understand how people put up with a life of no intemacy though. My friend has to earn "nookie tokens" for jobs which hes amounted so many he won't cash what he has now in for the remainder of his days. I could never be with a female who put out less than once a week never mind a year!

You can always rekindle with old friends or make new. Get a hobby and join something like a gym to meet new people with likeminded interests I'm always meeting new people - I'm off to Peru next year to climb a mountain with someone I only only met last year doing a winter hike with, 2 others I havent seen for 15+ years and 6 I don't even know lol

It was hard to be fair but I didn’t really have any other option as that was my life. I’m not dissing my marriage either. I’ve visited some amazing places and have tons of great memories. plus I’ve got 2 amazing children who are my everything.

im excited for the future and whatever that may bring. The whole dating app was a very surreal experience and something I never saw myself having to use. I’ve never been a judge a book by its cover type of guy (I think it because I see myself as a diamond in the rough, I don’t think I’m good looking and I’m not confident but if you get to know me I have good qualities and I’m a nice person, I fully vomit) but that’s almost exactly what those sites are.
Everyone I liked I thought was out of my league.

pre lockdown I went to the gym quite regular after the kids were in the bed just to get out the house so am looking forward to getting back into that. I’m just not good at making new friends. Examples being work. I’ve always kept work and personal life separate. I don’t socialise with work colleagues outside of work functions.