The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Lycos dating was fun.

If you are top 20% looking your phone will light up like a Christmas tree. However if not.. you will no longer be super straight when you see some of the beasts that will message you, disgusting horrible creatures... there you go Ross Kemp, that's why the male suicide rate is so high.
 
Ah Tosno, our friendly Russian giga Chad.

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joelk2 said:
@Jonnybmac

Most of what you say rings true with me too.
So my eldest is 9 after she was born the intimacy stopped. She had no interest in sex, where as I’m quite a high libido guy. We decided to have another child a few years later and then for the last 6 years it was almost just a yearly birthday treat. Not because she wanted it but she complied because I did. When it did happen there was no foreplay either, just down to business, no effort on her end and sleep after. I asked her numerous times if it was me or what the actual issue was as I wanted them resolved but her response was that she had no interest in it and could happily live without it.
Even to the point that having a kiss was a yearly occurrence.

I’m not the type to stray and I enjoyed the family aspect, I’d spend as much time with my children as I could. We did do day trips together and holidays as we did like travelling but it was like we were 2 mates with children.

looking back we should have called it quits a loony time ago but with a house, marriage and children it was just easier to carry on as we were. Despite neither of us being happy on the inside.

no one really knows what’s going on behind closed doors, from the exterior i can imagine it pretty much looked like we were a normally happy couple.

the time alone albeit nice not having to answer to anyone I long for what I was missing!
I’ve moved not far away as it’s easy for pickup and drop off and I get to see the children a lot which was my biggest fear. we’ve agreed everything as far as who is responsible for what monetary wise and children wise and we created a separation agreement which we were both happy with.

she is currently in the process of sorting out finances to buy my percentage of the property (I’ve lowballed what I want percentage wise but I’m happy with it and it will make the whole process easier for her and therefore quicker)
were opting for a 2 year no fault divorce as it’s exactly that and no fault although I think there is something coming this year meaning we wouldn’t have to wait 2 years.
At the end of the day we still speak, we both have to be there for the children and it’s in their best interest if things stay civil between us.

sorry for the waffle. I moved from my home town to be with her leaving my family / friends behind. All new friends I have are couples that we both know so I don’t feel like I can talk to them! Sometimes you just need to get things off your chest.
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This rings true. Me and my wife have been together for 21 years and married for 10 with 1 kid and a house. We are still together barely but think she checked out a couple of years ago. I want to try again but she is not so sure.

It's heart breaking really we had such a deep affection for each each other and imo its still there I just dont think she sees it or wants to see it. I'm pretty sure she has had an "emotional" affair with another bloke but denies anything physical but she tells me she just cant see her self feeling the same.

She has asked for a trial seperation but I'm not sure its such a good idea having to leave the house in case the worse comes to worse. So I think it will be seperate bedroom time.

I moved down south to be with her and pretty much sacrificed all my previous relationships and life due to time and kids don't really have many down here.

I really don't know what to do I'm kind of lost and numb at the moment. I'm 45 and not sure I can start again on my own.
 
dazzerd said:
This rings true. Me and my wife have been together for 21 years and married for 10 with 1 kid and a house. We are still together barely but think she checked out a couple of years ago. I want to try again but she is not so sure.

It's heart breaking really we had such a deep affection for each each other and imo its still there I just dont think she sees it or wants to see it. I'm pretty sure she has had an "emotional" affair with another bloke but denies anything physical but she tells me she just cant see her self feeling the same.

She has asked for a trial seperation but I'm not sure its such a good idea having to leave the house in case the worse comes to worse. So I think it will be seperate bedroom time.

I moved down south to be with her and pretty much sacrificed all my previous relationships and life due to time and kids don't really have many down here.

I really don't know what to do I'm kind of lost and numb at the moment. I'm 45 and not sure I can start again on my own.
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sounds like you don’t get a choice really she’s already exited out the relationship tbh mate
 
dazzerd said:
This rings true. Me and my wife have been together for 21 years and married for 10 with 1 kid and a house. We are still together barely but think she checked out a couple of years ago. I want to try again but she is not so sure.

It's heart breaking really we had such a deep affection for each each other and imo its still there I just dont think she sees it or wants to see it. I'm pretty sure she has had an "emotional" affair with another bloke but denies anything physical but she tells me she just cant see her self feeling the same.

She has asked for a trial seperation but I'm not sure its such a good idea having to leave the house in case the worse comes to worse. So I think it will be seperate bedroom time.

I moved down south to be with her and pretty much sacrificed all my previous relationships and life due to time and kids don't really have many down here.

I really don't know what to do I'm kind of lost and numb at the moment. I'm 45 and not sure I can start again on my own.
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Feel for you mate and my pms are always open if you wanna talk.

It’s a horrible thing to deal with but somethings are better off after it all.

It’s kind of advice/my experience but here goes.

when she suggested a trial separation with me I asked he if it was what she really wanted as in my mind there was no coming back from it and she was only saying trial to try and make it easier for me.
there is light at the end of the tunnel as much as it doesn’t feel like it right now. I guess my advice is to look at it in a different perspective. The saying love is blind really struck with me after we separated. As much as I thought I loved my wife at the time it was the idea of the family part that I loved (children growing up in a home with both parents) I just didn’t want to believe it.

i moved out despite everything and everywhere saying not too. But my stance was I’d rather leave on good terms with my ex that stay longer than needed and cause tension which wouldn’t be good for the children.

I’m now 6 months moved out and around 10months since the official separation. Although in reality it’s probably 3 years+ since it was really over.

Despite hating my own company and it being lockdown since I moved out I’ve had so much me time to just reflect on it all and it was definitely the best decision for everyone involved.
 
fredwi said:
sounds like you don’t get a choice really she’s already exited out the relationship tbh mate
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Well I dont have to leave the home, which is what I think will cause more problems.

Oddly enough we still get on and are civil and still have a joke. Its all very confusing for both of us.

As I've tried to tell he she is the one who isnt sure so she should be the one to move out.
 
joelk2 said:
Feel for you mate and my pms are always open if you wanna talk.

It’s a horrible thing to deal with but somethings are better off after it all.

It’s kind of advice/my experience but here goes.

when she suggested a trial separation with me I asked he if it was what she really wanted as in my mind there was no coming back from it and she was only saying trial to try and make it easier for me.
there is light at the end of the tunnel as much as it doesn’t feel like it right now. I guess my advice is to look at it in a different perspective. The saying love is blind really struck with me after we separated. As much as I thought I loved my wife at the time it was the idea of the family part that I loved (children growing up in a home with both parents) I just didn’t want to believe it.

i moved out despite everything and everywhere saying not too. But my stance was I’d rather leave on good terms with my ex that stay longer than needed and cause tension which wouldn’t be good for the children.

I’m now 6 months moved out and around 10months since the official separation. Although in reality it’s probably 3 years+ since it was really over.

Despite hating my own company and it being lockdown since I moved out I’ve had so much me time to just reflect on it all and it was definitely the best decision for everyone involved.
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Thanks for the advice and offer of pm. I may need it at some point! As I have noted above we still get on its very weird we have never really had a blazing row in 21 years, fell out a number of times for sure but nothing catastrophic. I'm just confused I think and the throught of untangling 21 years while dealing with house moves (neither of us can afford the mortgage on our own) dealing with our son who will be devestated doesnt bare thinking about.

I've also got to deal with an imminent redundancy situation if I dont want to travel to Reading too. All happening at a bad time.

As I say I have nothing down here really apart from my son and wife. If we split up I wouldnt know if to go back to mancland or suck it up and rent down here.
 
dazzerd said:
Well I dont have to leave the home, which is what I think will cause more problems.

Oddly enough we still get on and are civil and still have a joke. Its all very confusing for both of us.

As I've tried to tell he she is the one who isnt sure so she should be the one to move out.
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oh yeah definitely put your foot down and stay in the house
 
dazzerd said:
Thanks for the advice and offer of pm. I may need it at some point! As I have noted above we still get on its very weird we have never really had a blazing row in 21 years, fell out a number of times for sure but nothing catastrophic. I'm just confused I think and the throught of untangling 21 years while dealing with house moves (neither of us can afford the mortgage on our own) dealing with our son who will be devestated doesnt bare thinking about.

I've also got to deal with an imminent redundancy situation if I dont want to travel to Reading too. All happening at a bad time.

As I say I have nothing down here really apart from my son and wife. If we split up I wouldnt know if to go back to mancland or suck it up and rent down here.
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If you've got nothing move.
Move for a fresh start anyway

I moved after dawdling (different circumstances) and best thing I've done in years.

If there's ever a time when moving is sensible its after a break up.

It's a no brainer if you have absolutely nothing to stay for. And it holds bad memories


I regret not doing it sooner.
 
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dazzerd said:
Thanks for the advice and offer of pm. I may need it at some point! As I have noted above we still get on its very weird we have never really had a blazing row in 21 years, fell out a number of times for sure but nothing catastrophic. I'm just confused I think and the throught of untangling 21 years while dealing with house moves (neither of us can afford the mortgage on our own) dealing with our son who will be devestated doesnt bare thinking about.

I've also got to deal with an imminent redundancy situation if I dont want to travel to Reading too. All happening at a bad time.

As I say I have nothing down here really apart from my son and wife. If we split up I wouldnt know if to go back to mancland or suck it up and rent down here.
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exactly the same in my situation. 14 years together without an argument.
2 children who I’ve realised are a lot more resilient than I could give credit for.
All my friends were couples who were her friends before.

the moving out thing I wanted to put my foot down for sure but it wouldn’t have gone well and would have ended up with us hating each other.

We have literally separated all of our feelings and have concentrated on what’s best for the children.

Our plan is for her to buy me out and we’ve agreed on a percentage which works for both of us. (Enough for me to have a deposit but also not so much that it would be financially impossible for her)

2 happy homes apart is better than 1 unhappy one together
 
413x said:
If you've got nothing move.
Move for a fresh start anyway

I moved after dawdling (different circumstances) and best thing I've done in years.

If there's ever a time when moving is sensible its after a break up.

It's a no brainer if you have absolutely nothing to stay for. And it holds bad memories


I regret not doing it sooner.
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he has his son to stay for. That’s as good a reason as any to stay.
 
Yes it would be easy to just pack my bags and go back to mancland but I love my son more than anything in the world. I think at the moment focus on him and see if she makes a decision.

She knows where I stand and she has done this before and changed her mind, this time I'm not so confident she will.

Not good at the moment to make any decisions both of us were up all night worrying.

Hopefully sleep better tonight to have a clearer head tomorrow.
 
Roar87 said:
You're single and have been for a while, it's up to you how much time you want to waste accepting that fact.
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This....

when the inevitable finally happens and you look back you’ll wonder why it didn’t happen sooner.

Far too many couples stay together for the children’s sake which I don’t think is the right thing to do.

My guess is the turning point was when your child was born. You both devoted so much time and effort on your child that you forgot about each other. Not on purpose but because you mind was elsewhere. As time when on you drifted apart but stayed as a unit together.

It’s time to sit down as adults and decide on how things are going to work before it gets to the point of things getting messy. That would be no good for either of you or your child. It’s not an easy journey, probably one of the hardest you’ve ever had to face but things get better and time is a healer. The memories you had together will still remain but you have to move on start a new chapter as such. You only get one shot at life mate, make the most of it
 
dazzerd said:
Well I dont have to leave the home, which is what I think will cause more problems.

Oddly enough we still get on and are civil and still have a joke. Its all very confusing for both of us.

As I've tried to tell he she is the one who isnt sure so she should be the one to move out.
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I read your last few posts and can totally relate. It is a confusing time. I was thoroughly confused when it all happened to me. AS Joel and other have mentioned - you will look on this many months from now and realise that maybe things weren't as perfect as you think. For me it is 100% I miss the family unit aspect. My kids have shown me how resilient they are though.
In terms of confusion I got the best most thoughtful birthday gift and fathers day present last year than I ever had when we were "together". That was a strange thing to reconcile.

I was of your opinion - she wanted it so why should I move out? When she told me in March 2020 (the day Boris addressed the Nation) that it was over I didn't want to believe it. For a month I thought it was saveable. It was the classic grief cycle. Accept that you will go through it and it will help you understand your own feelings.
Around May time I started to look for other places to stay as close as possible to current house. She started to get impatient at my progress (quite hard in a full scale national lockdown) and was insisting I move out immediately. Financially we were not able to make the jump to a second home so soon so I said I will move out but need 12 months to get ourselves financially stronger to afford it. TO cut a long story short, she decided she would move to a new home.

. However due to Pandemic situation, her new build house was delayed and is now not ready until 1st April this year. Ironic in a way! SO we have lived under the same roof for 12 months now "separated". She now blames me for forcing her to move out of her home and I suspect my approach has probably resulted in a less than optimum outcome in terms of amicability. I know years from now, any disagreement in our future coparenting relationship, I will be reminded of this fact of "forcing" her out of her own home!

SO If I could do this part again? Would I move out? Probably yes. I should have been stronger and had less fear.
DO I believe in trial separations working? Depends on the woman. I know with mine, she is not one to do things by half. It is either In or Out. For you, only you can know weather there is reconciliation chances.

It has been weird. And hard. And a form of torture for us both. But on the other hand, the egg shells I used to walk on all the time have gone. I have had the best 12 months with my kids ever. The time I spend with them on "my" weekends is free from stress trying to sustain a failing relationship. Would I much rather have a happy family life with husband and wife under same roof? Yes absolutely, 100%. But being honest, that dream faded 4 or 5 years ago. I just couldn't see it back then. It was as Joel said:-

joelk2 said:
The saying love is blind really struck with me after we separated. As much as I thought I loved my wife at the time it was the idea of the family part that I loved (children growing up in a home with both parents) I just didn’t want to believe it.
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I know my wife didn't want this - no wife and mother would - but life is hard. It really is. When you took your vows all those years ago - you would never have thought this would happen to you. But it has. It happens to almost 50% of marriages at some point. However it pans out you will get through it. Your son will still love you no matter what. You will still love him. WHatever path you choose, a kid needs both parents in their life. That doesn't need to be all living under the same roof. Despite what society tells you!
 
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Gengar said:
I was of your opinion - she wanted it so why should I move out? When she told me in March 2020 (the day Boris addressed the Nation) that it was over I didn't want to believe it. For a month I thought it was saveable. It was the classic grief cycle. Accept that you will go through it and it will help you understand your own feelings.
Around May time I started to look for other places to stay as close as possible to current house. She started to get impatient at my progress (quite hard in a full scale national lockdown) and was insisting I move out immediately. Financially we were not able to make the jump to a second home so soon so I said I will move out but need 12 months to get ourselves financially stronger to afford it. TO cut a long story short, she decided she would move to a new home.
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the same happened with me. We decided to go separate ways in April but I had already planned to landscape the garden and lockdown made moving out difficult so I stayed in the house. Worked full time, busted my nuts doing the garden and then finally moved in October. (She was paying for the garden)

it took me a while to post on here as I was worried about being judged if I’m being honest. The catalyst for us was me messaging a female friend and calling her pretty in one of the messages. No intentions behind it and it was wrong of me to say so but that’s ultimately what started the cycle. The ex looked through my phone and disapproved. I wasn’t hiding it, my ex knew my phone password and I didn’t delete the message. But at the end of the day it was a blessing in disguise.

@dazzerd
just as a note we even tried counselling. This proved just an expensive exercise and was just delaying the inevitable.

you will find there are a lot of people in the same boat or has been through it. We’re all here for you though! Betters days are ahead!
 
joelk2 said:
it took me a while to post on here as I was worried about being judged if I’m being honest. .
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Weird isn't it. I was the same - even in my real life. I struggled to tell friends. I told very few people. My work colleagues didn't even know until earlier this year. Part of me thought if I could hide it that it wouldn't be real. We are pressured into having these perfect family lives and you feel like a failure when it isnt!

I still sometimes wake up in the morning without it on my mind, before I realise that damn, my marriage has ended. You have to own these feelings and move on, else you will just become the victim. The sad old divorcee who wastes the next 10 years of their life never getting over it! That's what I will not become!
 
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