Soldato
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This doesn't sound like emotional maturity at all
The ex initiated the breakup, didn't she
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
- Thread starter mattyprice4004
- Start date
@HangTime I've no experience of that... yet... but I feel it may be a normal lull in a married with kids life. Are you still attracted to her? Do you think she's still attracted to you? Maybe the lifestyle needs a change, gym/diet etc just to help keep the appeal between yourselves.
The main suggestion that came to mind was to perhaps give a night a week to treating yourselves to things you'd do together before having kids, and maybe even a nice holiday away together with just you two - bit of drinking, bit of dancing, in a romantic couples setting to kick start it all again?
I'm no expert, but thought I'd suggest what I'd do in that situation.
The main suggestion that came to mind was to perhaps give a night a week to treating yourselves to things you'd do together before having kids, and maybe even a nice holiday away together with just you two - bit of drinking, bit of dancing, in a romantic couples setting to kick start it all again?
I'm no expert, but thought I'd suggest what I'd do in that situation.
Logistically it's quite tough to arrange, the only person who can look after the kids really is my dad and I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving them with him for longer than a day (too much of a handful) and they keep picking up bugs from school/nursery which I wouldn't want to expose him to. Best we can hope for I think is going out for a meal/drinks with some friends one evening (we have a lot of friends where he lives) or maybe a gig now things are opening up again. Plus if we went on holiday together I know my wife's anxiety would kick in, checking up on them every hour or whatever.
Ironically thanks to covid we probably get to spend more time at home without the kids as she'll typically WFH 1-2 days a week but she's usually pretty full on with work and doesn't really show an interest in taking advantage of our lunch break etc like we used to do.
As for the lifestyle/attractiveness etc maybe I'm a bit naive but I don't feel that is something a married couple should have to focus on that much, I mean if she gains 2 stone or loses 2 stone it shouldn't really change the way I feel about her. I guess it could indirectly impact things like self-confidence etc, she's tried to lose weight which worked the first time (before our 2nd child was born) but she keeps aborting recent attempts blaming all the stress of covid in the house, work pressures etc.
I could give it a go but I don't really see it making much difference, my body isn't THAT much different compared to when things were better between us.
Ironically thanks to covid we probably get to spend more time at home without the kids as she'll typically WFH 1-2 days a week but she's usually pretty full on with work and doesn't really show an interest in taking advantage of our lunch break etc like we used to do.
As for the lifestyle/attractiveness etc maybe I'm a bit naive but I don't feel that is something a married couple should have to focus on that much, I mean if she gains 2 stone or loses 2 stone it shouldn't really change the way I feel about her. I guess it could indirectly impact things like self-confidence etc, she's tried to lose weight which worked the first time (before our 2nd child was born) but she keeps aborting recent attempts blaming all the stress of covid in the house, work pressures etc.
I could give it a go but I don't really see it making much difference, my body isn't THAT much different compared to when things were better between us.
For most people that is married life, it becomes mundane unless you invest a huge amount of time and energy and frankly most people don’t and become resigned to the new reality. For the vast majority, no matter what they might tell you, sex drive drops off for one or both and life gets in the way, even more so when you have kids.
Now many people adapt to the new normal and the relationship evolves and you take different things from it, for many others it falls apart. Talking is key but if there is an unwillingness to talk then that would be a concern. Life is hard and relationships are even harder when the years develop and temptations can become a risk when you feel a bit battered.
It sounds like you've both become complacent with the relationship and now you're unhappy due to the lack of effort being put in. You're both at fault, I've been there myself. If your wife won't talk about it, she isn't telling you how she feels and she'll definitely have her own thoughts on this. It could be she isn't comfortable talking about it for any number of reasons.
The first thing you guys need to do is talk about it, if she won't do that the next step is a mediator. Marriage counselling will help communicate both yours and her feelings and hopefully from there you can work on making some necessary changes to repair the relationship.
There's a lot of truth in this but I feel that if a relationship feels like it's taking a huge amount of investment then something isn't quite right. Both sides need to make an effort and honestly far to many of us don't and take things for granted, a little bit of an effort for the both of you each week really goes a long way.
I think this is simplifying the issue with modern day marriage. Trying to maintain a long-term relationship with the stresses of children thrown in mixed with both parents having to work as well as manage all other distractions that comes with modern day life tends to create a situation where you are just too tired, worn out or worried to be relaxed enough to have sex with your other half.
I say this as a person of experience. I've been married almost 8 years and my wife has always had a lower sex drive than me. Before our first child she was still pretty keen but after our first was born things dropped off a cliff in that respect. I told myself things would get better and they started to as our child grew older. The we had a second and not only has the sex drive almost completely gone for her we had huge relationship problems as a result.
I've spent the last 2-3 years trying to work out from an objective and logical point of view as to why this is so common with families and the conclusion is that the modern western word is just not really setout for people with young kids and this causes a huge amount of stress for families. The constant battle with the kids to get them to comply with our crazy busy work and provide life styles is extremely draining on relationships that people just don't have the time or energy to maintain the partnership. Yes it only takes a little bit if effort from both parties but the real problem is things that are a priority for one person in a relationship my not be for the other person.
In a world where there is so much option but very little time priorities are key and if they don't line up, relationships fall apart.
I think more than a lot of us could benefit from not staring at our phones so much and actually sitting down and having meaningful conversations once in a while for a start but some people just find it easier to just phone flick.
We are creating a world of people that just want fast quick fixes without the satisfaction of long term goals.
It's really quite sad.
I was married for 23 years and together for 26. I got divorced in 2019 and I’m 55 this year. My challenge is sifting through women who see an easy life at my expense, nutters and people I actually want to spend time with. I am lucky in that I have my life under control but I’m protective of that. Finding eligible women, for me, hasn’t been the issue luckily, getting into the head space where I want to commit is.
Soldato
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Open communication is so so so important and my ex wife and I never managed this long term effectively. Which means, if you can't talk about it, you let it linger and it builds up. That's when things become an issue.
Agreed you're both at fault, it's a breakdown of communication. If you can't have a conversation on what you both need or talk really openly about how you're feeling, that's a problem. Have you tried to have a chat and say you're unhappy with the way things are @HangTime? Just an open conversation about it. You feel you've both become more distant then you'd like and want to work on this?
It's easy to take things for granted and get caught up in kid life/ formalities of general life. I think for me it's working out what I needed and what I want from a relationship and just really trying to talk about it. I think it really is important to be completely honest with each other, which is often hard to do as I think most people, without some sort of mediator (therapist etc) are afraid of hurting the other person, but don't realise a lack of honesty does that more.
It is at the basis of most break ups even more so when it comes to longer term relationships. I have no intention going into my own personal circumstances here, but when you stop talking because you just can’t be bothered that is where the rot starts. You begin to live different lives, you know it in yourself and you just accept that as the new normal and some carry on like that. I see it in many friends but for others that is the start of the end. You give up going over old ground and just move more into yourself. It is hard to keep any relationship together, with years even more so.
Soldato
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Agreed. This sounds all so very relatable. It's where the fork in the road starts, and the divide just gets bigger as the years go on.
You both have to acknowledge it to fix it. If only one of you does or only one of you wants to fix it then it’s probably over.
Do you feel like you wasted your time being married?
Not at all. Lived some great experiences in my time, you have to look back and take the positives, then move on. I will remain friends with my ex-wife, but we won't be in regular contact at all, that is pointless but there once in a blue moon if needed. I don't think you can write off the good times just because it ended, but you must move on else depression awaits. I got into another relationship fairly quickly, one that on the surface had I written what I was looking for had it all, but that didn't work out and we ended it. With age and life experience you know that holding on to something that has flaws is a waste of time, move on.
Any relationship has fluidity and comes with rough and smooth, good and bad. How that is balanced is the challenge and how you deal with it when the balance changes is the other. A complex debate and not something that can be answered in a few paragraphs. We are all different, but the fundamentals are the same, just the personalities different.
Yep. I was married 27 years. I gave up trying to communicate as all it became was "you need to change". I finally realised the change I needed to make was to get the hell out of there. Made for a difficult few years getting the divorce out of the way but all good eventually.
Strangely enough it has caused the biggest change in me. In the past where I'd have accepted things despite not agreeing just to avoid upsetting the applecart now I just say I can't/won/t agree and make sure that I'm happy with whatever the outcome is.
Wise words although I still believe that there is someone for everyone for life. Otherwise in a way it feels like it's a waste of time. So much dedication, blood, sweat and tears and then it's just all over. Some may call it life, others as a waste of invested life.
It's a hard one to call. Is it worth being with someone if you just expect it to end one day?
I think there has to be an underlying commitment and devotion to each other, that is still there irrespective of circumstance. If that's gone, then it must be difficult to continue with the relationship.
Having similar aspirations and outlook is probably the biggest determining factor in the longevity of a relationship. If it feels like it's going nowhere, then it probably is.
Marriage is like any other relationship, insofar as both of you have to bring something to the relationship for it to be worthwhile. If one, or both, people stop being a positive influence on the other, it's only a matter of time before resentment sets in.
Having similar aspirations and outlook is probably the biggest determining factor in the longevity of a relationship. If it feels like it's going nowhere, then it probably is.
Marriage is like any other relationship, insofar as both of you have to bring something to the relationship for it to be worthwhile. If one, or both, people stop being a positive influence on the other, it's only a matter of time before resentment sets in.
Is this the answer then, the deathknell is the lack of two way discussion around the issue? The bit I struggle with is glacier like pace of change where you can't really notice significant change day-to-day, so there is nothing to put your finger on as a sign that the relationship has run its course. It's like I'm waiting for a big signpost saying STOP! that never arrives, so you continue on the road which has some ups and down, this week might feel better than last week but worse than the week before, etc. And with a >15 year relationship and how much you've invested in that, potential impact on kids etc, you don't want to just call it quits based on having a bad week or whatever.
I have tried a few times over the past couple of years, it's hard to get her to open up about it and we never really reach any conclusion from the discussion other than "I'm really tired / I don't know what to do / It's too difficult to make changes because of XYZ" and I don't have a playbook of answers either. Ultimately it doesn't feel like she thinks there is a big problem and/or she doesn't think there is a realistic solution, she never initiates these sort of conversations. I've mooted the idea of counselling but she didn't seem bought into it.
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As I said, it is about personality and mindset of the individual and that often changes with age and life experience. When I got married it was in my head for life but that didn’t work out in the end. That is not to me, at 54, something I see as a crushing failure in life, it’s just part of life. Wasn’t planned, wasn’t expected, but get over it and move on.
The need or mindset of being with a single partner through life is more cultural and religious than a human need, it is predicated on building a family. We never had kids, through choice at first and sadly through other reasons when we changed our minds so a big part of needing someone to have kids with was never part of my need. Kids change things, change life and change mindsets. I see it in all my close friends (say 10 couples) all of who have kids.
So many people I know have had affairs, flings, blips, break ups and other big issues and most have accepted that and carried on, some have not. Others just grow up differently, seek different things and again that can go one of two ways.
It is purely a decision. Am I happy yes or no. Sadly many answer no and carry on, others take a braver approach and seek life 2.0
I can only give opinion.
Do you love her, do you have fun times, are you good friends, do you talk and laugh and most of the time like to be in her company. Do you do stuff together do you like to see her when you have been away from her?
If you answer yes to all of that make the effort. Take time, be honest, talk lots, commit to make the changes needed.
If no to some of that then you need to think about your future. Remove kids and wife from that, what do you want. Then add your commitments back in and work out how you get there.
If it’s no to all of that then it’s done. Plan your exit and get it done as cleanly, fairly and protective of your kids.
My opinion only.
Soldato
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update
she did message and mentioned that she does not log on much
went on the date last night, really not my type at all, nice enough but not for me
as per usual though, all her photos were at least 10 years old and shes bigger than her photos
guessing from the brief date she was out with another guy thats why she was not replying, glad i went for the experiance as ive been single for 5 years and not had a date in 4
talking to another, very differnt but makes me nearvous as shes latvian and i have a lot to lose so have to be careful
she did message and mentioned that she does not log on much
went on the date last night, really not my type at all, nice enough but not for me
as per usual though, all her photos were at least 10 years old and shes bigger than her photos
guessing from the brief date she was out with another guy thats why she was not replying, glad i went for the experiance as ive been single for 5 years and not had a date in 4
talking to another, very differnt but makes me nearvous as shes latvian and i have a lot to lose so have to be careful