The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

HangTime said:
Is this the answer then, the deathknell is the lack of two way discussion around the issue? The bit I struggle with is glacier like pace of change where you can't really notice significant change day-to-day, so there is nothing to put your finger on as a sign that the relationship has run its course. It's like I'm waiting for a big signpost saying STOP! that never arrives, so you continue on the road which has some ups and down, this week might feel better than last week but worse than the week before, etc. And with a >15 year relationship and how much you've invested in that, potential impact on kids etc, you don't want to just call it quits based on having a bad week or whatever.


I have tried a few times over the past couple of years, it's hard to get her to open up about it and we never really reach any conclusion from the discussion other than "I'm really tired / I don't know what to do / It's too difficult to make changes because of XYZ" and I don't have a playbook of answers either. Ultimately it doesn't feel like she thinks there is a big problem and/or she doesn't think there is a realistic solution, she never initiates these sort of conversations. I've mooted the idea of counselling but she didn't seem bought into it.
Click to expand...

I can only give you my 2p, but push for counselling as much as you can. I called it quits probably a little too easily and what you write sounds a lot like how I felt so resonates. 13 long years in a very difficult relationship/marriage but now my son lives in another country and watching him grow up so far away is hard. He IS happy and generally is coping OK, at least for now. Take every chance you can to get the message through with your wife and see if you can salvage it, as long as you genuinely want that. If you aren't sure you want it anymore, then you probably don't.

But let me warn you, the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side. I had a fantastic girl for 2 years that we had to mutually end recently because blended families are a completely new challenge on their own. Life has been very hard and the drive to move forward is more difficult than people think. Housey's points are spot on. Overall I have worked a lot on myself and I'm a better person since divorcing, but there are times when I sit here and think I wish I'd tried that little bit harder towards the end but she was so reluctant to acknowledge problems that it was like talking to a wall.
 
PAz said:
I can only give you my 2p, but push for counselling as much as you can. I called it quits probably a little too easily and what you write sounds a lot like how I felt so resonates. 13 long years in a very difficult relationship/marriage but now my son lives in another country and watching him grow up so far away is hard. He IS happy and generally is coping OK, at least for now. Take every chance you can to get the message through with your wife and see if you can salvage it, as long as you genuinely want that. If you aren't sure you want it anymore, then you probably don't.

But let me warn you, the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side. I had a fantastic girl for 2 years that we had to mutually end recently because blended families are a completely new challenge on their own. Life has been very hard and the drive to move forward is more difficult than people think. Housey's points are spot on. Overall I have worked a lot on myself and I'm a better person since divorcing, but there are times when I sit here and think I wish I'd tried that little bit harder towards the end but she was so reluctant to acknowledge problems that it was like talking to a wall.
Click to expand...
Wise words. Never rush to such a big decision, take time and make an effort if you feel you can. Dating in your 50’s is very very different to dating in your 20’s as well, not just the tech used but the life experiences you both bring. I’ve been lucky because I am dating (now steady) in my age group mainly. I’ve mates my age dating late 20’s early 30’s and that’s just not for me. Too different and often (it seems) predicated on ‘lifestyle’
 
Any recommendations for books that can help with opening up/expressing feelings better in relationships? Major recurring issue of mine, which deffo bothers my current and past partners.
 
Hey guys. Need some advice / possibly just sympathy!

I've been seeing a girl since about November. We both work in pretty high powered jobs, hers more than mine (I work about 60 hours a week, she's more like 70-80). It pretty much rules out dating during the week, and obviously weekends are dependent on other stuff going on, holidays, etc. In summary, we've seen each other maybe 8 times in 4 months. We get on great and it's the best time I've had dating for a long time, but given the gaps between dates it's almost felt like a series of first dates rather than progressing anywhere.

This means that, bluntly, I'm feeling pretty insecure about the whole thing. We were meant to see each other last weekend but she had covid, and we ended up having a decent catch up on the phone (which was the first time we'd called each other just to chat and felt like progress) and I know she had a busy week this week with a deal closing on Thursday so I left her to it. I've not heard from her for a week now, and am feeling pretty **** about it. This has happened before though, and then she's just messaged and nothing has been wrong, she's just been busy.

So I don't really know how to take it - I'm really tempted to message her and to ask whether her silence is a bit of a hint. Equally though, that's a bit of a crap thing to do if she's had a busy week and is ill. I'm just driving myself absolutely mad at this end with the uncertainty.
 
She's married.

Or maybe not. But you have to ask yourself, what do you want out of this and is it worth getting into?

That's a lot of hours working, will it ever be any different for either of you? Say you do really like each other, where would the actual time be to have something meaningful? Or is this the new norm these days?!

If you think it's worth sticking with, i wouldn't start with the insecure texts, like you say, just support her. Given her very limited free time, it seems she wants to spend that with you, so that must mean something.
 
ivrytwr3 said:
She's married.

Or maybe not. But you have to ask yourself, what do you want out of this and is it worth getting into?

That's a lot of hours working, will it ever be any different for either of you? Say you do really like each other, where would the actual time be to have something meaningful? Or is this the new norm these days?!

If you think it's worth sticking with, i wouldn't start with the insecure texts, like you say, just support her. Given her very limited free time, it seems she wants to spend that with you, so that must mean something.
Click to expand...
No, she's not married. I actually know her ex (from a few years back, and we're not close - that's not an issue).

It is a lot of time working, but sadly that's where we both are in life right now. It would almost be easier to deal with in a relationship which is further along, as you'd just see each other at home at night or whatever without having to try to arrange dates.

I know you're right on the texts, it's just such a crap feeling. I'd almost be happier with a clear answer either way than with the uncertainty.
 
SexyGreyFox said:
Sorry but talking as a 64 year old Dad it sounds completely pointless to me and that's what I'd tell my kids.
Click to expand...
That's alright, there's quite possibly a chance that that's what I need to hear.


More generally I just feel like I'm in a real rut. I'm 35, good job, own place in London, sporty, decent looking, but aside from one four year relationship which ended a couple of years back (and ending that was definitely the best thing - it wasn't right), I've never really got very far into anything serious. And I'm starting to feel like time is running out. Most of my friends are married or well on their way there, and I just feel like I've screwed it to be honest.

Which then doesn't help in situations like this - I know I'm way more insecure than I should be.
 
TO be frank @manic111, working the hours you do you're going to struggle. You need make a sacrifice in your worklife to make more time in your personal life. To give some really blunt advice and this is totally personal so it might not apply to you, you might disagree with it. When you get on your death bed do you really think you'll regret not working more/harder or getting promoted to X/Y/Z position? Or do you think you'll regret not spending more time with your family and loved ones? For me, there is more to life than becoming a slightly bigger cog in a giant corporate machine. No matter how big of a cog you think you've become, you'll always be replaceable and under appreciated. And while I can't guarantee you won't be under appreciated amongst your loved ones, you definitely won't be replaceable.
 
Mason- said:
TO be frank @manic111, working the hours you do you're going to struggle. You need make a sacrifice in your worklife to make more time in your personal life. To give some really blunt advice and this is totally personal so it might not apply to you, you might disagree with it. When you get on your death bed do you really think you'll regret not working more/harder or getting promoted to X/Y/Z position? Or do you think you'll regret not spending more time with your family and loved ones? For me, there is more to life than becoming a slightly bigger cog in a giant corporate machine. No matter how big of a cog you think you've become, you'll always be replaceable and under appreciated. And while I can't guarantee you won't be under appreciated amongst your loved ones, you definitely won't be replaceable.
Click to expand...
I completely get where you're coming from, but I'm not sure you're correct in my case. It's incredibly rare that I miss something social or date related due to work - I've enough flexibility to leave early one day and work late the next, and I almost never work weekends. You may be right that if I have kids or whatever then I may need to re-prioritise, but that's a bit of a way off!

There are a lot of other people in my industry (certainly most I know who are my age) who are in long term relationships or married. Admittedly, there are also a lot who are 10 years older and divorced, but as I say I'm well aware that I may need to slow down on the work front as and when a family life becomes more serious. In terms of work, I'd say that I'm lucky to have found something I really enjoy doing and which motivates and excites me, and I'd rather do that 10-12 hours a day than something boring 8 hours a day.
 
I have my own home and a comfortable income but single and almost 40 yikes. I still feel like I'm 25. I've traveled the world and have done a lot of things I wish I had done more but at least I did somethings I wanted to achieve. I've been in relationships slept around etc but I never really met the right one. I've been single since 2015. When I was in America and Canada lots of women said I was good looking and I had no trouble picking up women there but here in Britain its so hard to get a date I ended up giving up with it. I will look overseas again in terms of dating if I choose to have another bash at it. Dating sites are a waste of time as nobody replies. Its probably to late for me anyway. Sometimes the idea of having a girlfriend is nice but the reality is often very different. Where do I go from here... I don't know.
 
Retro6 said:
I have my own home and a comfortable income but single and almost 40 yikes. I still feel like I'm 25. I've traveled the world and have done a lot of things I wish I had done more but at least I did somethings I wanted to achieve. I've been in relationships slept around etc but I never really met the right one. I've been single since 2015. When I was in America and Canada lots of women said I was good looking and I had no trouble picking up women there but here in Britain its so hard to get a date I ended up giving up with it. I will look overseas again in terms of dating if I choose to have another bash at it. Dating sites are a waste of time as nobody replies. Its probably to late for me anyway. Sometimes the idea of having a girlfriend is nice but the reality is often very different. Where do I go from here... I don't know.
Click to expand...

Question....are you male or female? If you female then yes it too late due to biology.
 
@manic111 it's been 5 months.. are you guys actually in a relationship? Boyfriend and girlfriend? As you should be by now.

If it's still just 'dating' then it's going nowhere really.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom