Yeah i realise that and its the last thing i want to do is ruin it as i do like her and have loads in common. i think dating girls in the late 20 range in the Facebook, snapchat place as ruined me a bit tbh. she has a great job no kids but wants them things i do too as well which she knows .Going slow once a week or 2 weeks is a lost thing these days and im not used to it.
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
- Thread starter mattyprice4004
- Start date
Exactly this. Sounds great that you can go through a day without getting hassled for replies to messages!
Oh wow! I'm really saddened by this. A person you spent 6 years sounds like she is coming to the end of her life at a relatively young age and your current gf gets jealous because you spoke with her? I hope your ex has some other friends or family who can be with her?
I think perhaps you could have handled it better for example discussing it with your current gf before you spoke with the ex - but to bring it down to a me vs her decision is waaaaaay over the top imo.
Agreed, to me it says a LOT about his current partner. Heartless, lacking empathy and emotional intelligence to be honest.
It's not like she's broken a bone, she's got cancer ffs and they were together for 6 years. You can still be a nice person after as split.
Soldato
It doesn't have to be out on the lash though does it?
I just find online is a cess pit. Great if I just want to get laid for the night but other than that, the likelihood of actually finding someone to settle with on there is slim. People that do are lucky imo.
Just striking up conversation with people in places is best. You can instantly gauge compatibility, you can lay on your excellent persona and, of course, you tell if she's mutton dressed as lamb, as opposed to just posing in a complimenting angled profile photo
It doesn't have to be out on the lash though does it?
I just find online is a cess pit. Great if I just want to get laid for the night but other than that, the likelihood of actually finding someone to settle with on there is slim. People that do are lucky imo.
Just striking up conversation with people in places is best. You can instantly gauge compatibility, you can lay on your excellent persona and, of course, you tell if she's mutton dressed as lamb, as opposed to just posing in a complimenting angled profile photo
Personally, outside of social situations, pub, with friends, work, online then I find it quite tough. I don't think there is any straight forward answer, it just happens when it does. Its not going to happen in a Supermarket for instance.
I've looked at meetup and it's only really social stuff, which is fine, but I'm going to try to find a club, perhaps hiking although the age groups for walking/hiking seem to be 50+.
It's more to do with the fact that I'd heard from a friend that my ex was going to get in touch for a catch up, my current GF overheard this and didn't like it which is understandable. I'd said to my GF I wouldn't ring my ex and then I did, that's the issue.
I don't know what my ex's situation is, she's been in and out of hospital for a couple of years now I think, so whether she's on deaths door or not I don't know. It does seem odd she wanted to catch up hence my concern. She has a large group of friends.
Had I approached the subject better and not gone against what I said I would do, I think things may be different.
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Obviously none of us are in your position so we can only give opinions. But difficult situations come up throughout life. Yes perhaps it was a mistake to call the ex when you said you wouldn't. But that's not really the mistake. I think it was right to call the ex but you should have told the GF before or soon afterwards.
There will always be difficult times ahead. In this case it is someone who was a major part of your life for six years and you were a part of theirs. It sounds like they may be dying or are certainly seriously ill. That's not something small. Had my wife been in a similar situation I would have been happy for her to contact the ex. In fact I would have advised her to do exactly that. The sensible approach would have been to have an adult conversation with your GF when the whole situation was understood and not let her throw her toys out of the pram.
Unfortunately now you've sent a signal to your GF that she can stop you doing something important if she causes enough fuss. You've set a precedent now and changing that in the future will be harder.
You're hardly likely to start a relationship with someone so ill. Obviously we only know what's been typed here. But I think your GF has behaved unreasonably and you have allowed her to unilaterally rule your decisions on a very important matter.
Am I being a penis?
Have been in touch with my ex on and off since we split up 4 months ago. For 3 months I was feeling extremely low and actively trying to win her back, she saw the worst side of me, my depression was in full swing, and although I got back into shape I certainly wasn't somebody that a sane person would consider dating.
A month ago I went on holiday for 3 weeks with the boys. It was great, it was everything that I needed and it pulled me out the slump that I was in. I felt good about myself for the first time in ages, I was getting attention from women, I realised that there is no reason I'm going to end up alone which was one of the things that was filling me with doubt before I went away. I made a decision while I was out there that I would cut ties for good (or at least for a long time!) with the ex. I still care about her, she still cares about me, but neither of us could be what the other wanted us to be and it made no sense to keep torturing ourselves.
So saturday just gone I arranged to go for a meal with the ex to say goodbye. It was my birthday, it was something we'd had planned for a long time, we had a slap up meal, we got very drunk, and I told her that is was time to say goodbye. We had a last kiss and a cuddle, we said goodbye for good, it was hard but it was also the right step.
Sunday morning she sent me a text, and we had a chat over video call for a good 90 minutes. She said that she finally realised that she had lost me, and that nobody had ever treated her as well, she always thought we would work out, etc etc. Stupidly I arranged to go into London to meet her for a drink that night. We did, it was great, again we had a cuddle and talk turned to if we could make things work.
Somehow we are now going away to Bruges together in 4 weeks... not sure how that happened, but it did. Part of me really doesn't mind, we always have fun when we are together and some of that old spark is back, but I'm also having doubts... is she only acting this way because she has had her safety blanket pulled out from under her? Until now she always had me to fall back on, I'm not going to be that for her anymore, either we make it work as a couple or we are not in eachothers lives at all. Bruges is booked, but I'm having massive second thoughts as to if its a good idea and if she is just playing games.
Have I made a huge mistake?
Have been in touch with my ex on and off since we split up 4 months ago. For 3 months I was feeling extremely low and actively trying to win her back, she saw the worst side of me, my depression was in full swing, and although I got back into shape I certainly wasn't somebody that a sane person would consider dating.
A month ago I went on holiday for 3 weeks with the boys. It was great, it was everything that I needed and it pulled me out the slump that I was in. I felt good about myself for the first time in ages, I was getting attention from women, I realised that there is no reason I'm going to end up alone which was one of the things that was filling me with doubt before I went away. I made a decision while I was out there that I would cut ties for good (or at least for a long time!) with the ex. I still care about her, she still cares about me, but neither of us could be what the other wanted us to be and it made no sense to keep torturing ourselves.
So saturday just gone I arranged to go for a meal with the ex to say goodbye. It was my birthday, it was something we'd had planned for a long time, we had a slap up meal, we got very drunk, and I told her that is was time to say goodbye. We had a last kiss and a cuddle, we said goodbye for good, it was hard but it was also the right step.
Sunday morning she sent me a text, and we had a chat over video call for a good 90 minutes. She said that she finally realised that she had lost me, and that nobody had ever treated her as well, she always thought we would work out, etc etc. Stupidly I arranged to go into London to meet her for a drink that night. We did, it was great, again we had a cuddle and talk turned to if we could make things work.
Somehow we are now going away to Bruges together in 4 weeks... not sure how that happened, but it did. Part of me really doesn't mind, we always have fun when we are together and some of that old spark is back, but I'm also having doubts... is she only acting this way because she has had her safety blanket pulled out from under her? Until now she always had me to fall back on, I'm not going to be that for her anymore, either we make it work as a couple or we are not in eachothers lives at all. Bruges is booked, but I'm having massive second thoughts as to if its a good idea and if she is just playing games.
Have I made a huge mistake?
I can't imagine telling my girlfriend she couldn't speak to an ex who had cancer, and I'm basically someone who take's no BS in relationships
@Rids
Depending On the problems and reasons you split of course, but I wouldnt have done that.
You are still going to be different. And same problems will probably occur in round 2.
But if you think it's fixable (and kids are there) could give it another go. Say she didn' aappreciate you before, has realised, and has made the effort to change. In that case no reason not to.
But only you know your circumstances and if another chance is worth it
Depending On the problems and reasons you split of course, but I wouldnt have done that.
You are still going to be different. And same problems will probably occur in round 2.
But if you think it's fixable (and kids are there) could give it another go. Say she didn' aappreciate you before, has realised, and has made the effort to change. In that case no reason not to.
But only you know your circumstances and if another chance is worth it
I know nothing about your relationship, but if you intend to split up with someone it's generally not a good idea to go out for wine and a nice meal, that's the kind of thing you do with a partner. Is there any particular reason the relationship won't work out with that specific girl, or is it due to your own issues?
We're not back together, we are "seeing where things go"
Things didn't work out for a number of reasons, if I'm honest I took things for granted and didn't give her the attention that you should give a partner, I also let myself go massively and looked a complete mess and the attraction just wasnt there for her anymore. Add to that the fact that she lives and works in London, I live and work in West Sussex, some money trouble and the fact we made no real effort to see eachother more than once a week it was a recipe for disaster.
There were issues, but to me they do appear fixable... but the Bruges thing has me confused because I've booked a holiday with somebody I never planned to see again and am not in a relationship with. The wierd thing is that I know we'll have a great time, we always do when we are together, just I'm worried its going to make things more confusing and stressful!
Things didn't work out for a number of reasons, if I'm honest I took things for granted and didn't give her the attention that you should give a partner, I also let myself go massively and looked a complete mess and the attraction just wasnt there for her anymore. Add to that the fact that she lives and works in London, I live and work in West Sussex, some money trouble and the fact we made no real effort to see eachother more than once a week it was a recipe for disaster.
There were issues, but to me they do appear fixable... but the Bruges thing has me confused because I've booked a holiday with somebody I never planned to see again and am not in a relationship with. The wierd thing is that I know we'll have a great time, we always do when we are together, just I'm worried its going to make things more confusing and stressful!
How long were you together? I got back with my ex after a 6 week split and it was never the same. We stayed together for a further 4 months before it finally ended. While I did enjoy a lot of the 4 months, I wish it wouldn't have happened as it just prolonged the pain.
Yes and yes. You say you always get on with the ex, but you're not right for each other and you're only torturing each other. You decide you're done, and then she suddenly realises she wants to be with you now you've got yourself together and want to move on. You have a "last goodbye" and you both get caught up in the emotion of the moment. Now you're regretting the potentially bad commitments you've made in the moment.
So what has changed? Are you different people, are your circumstances different, or are they going to be? Are you going to go on holiday, have a nice time, then be back to where you were when you broke up? Unless things are going to be different, (like you moving into together so you see each other), then you are just going to be the same people repeating the same patterns and mistakes again.
There are reasons you're having doubts now that you've had a chance to get some space and think with you head instead of your heart.
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I appreciate the thoughts, I admit that it could be a mistake and I am having my doubts.
Would things be different in the future? Yes. I'm looking for a job in the city again, although I'll be holding out until the new year for my bonus before I make the jump. I'm not doing that for the sake of a potential relationship, but simply because I miss working in London, and I've picked up some markettable skills down here that should command a hefty salary bump when I'm back in town.
I think we have also both grown up a lot since the split. We've been able to talk openly and honestly about all the things that went wrong, in truth while we were together we just swept things under the rug because there was a fear on both sides of ending up single.
I could just be making this justifications to myself to support a decision I've taken, I'll think on things, I appreciate the perspectives and advice as always.
Would things be different in the future? Yes. I'm looking for a job in the city again, although I'll be holding out until the new year for my bonus before I make the jump. I'm not doing that for the sake of a potential relationship, but simply because I miss working in London, and I've picked up some markettable skills down here that should command a hefty salary bump when I'm back in town.
I think we have also both grown up a lot since the split. We've been able to talk openly and honestly about all the things that went wrong, in truth while we were together we just swept things under the rug because there was a fear on both sides of ending up single.
I could just be making this justifications to myself to support a decision I've taken, I'll think on things, I appreciate the perspectives and advice as always.
Soldato
- Joined
- 17 Jun 2004
- Posts
- 3,691
Her new interest fell through and wanted you back based on her fear and will leave you when she finds a new interest?
Nailed_it.jpeg
Soldato
- Joined
- 21 Apr 2007
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- 6,590
Yeah same.
I'm proper hard nosed when it comes to tolerance levels about stuff. But definitely wouldn't do that... no way.