Tinder?

[Phonesis]

Update on that girl I met for a drink who had previously called me a perv for making an extremely light joke about something kinky. She told me she is now off tinder and not ready for anything. No suggestion she wanted to be mates, which I had put on the table.

Learnt my lesson with girls like this. If they seem a bit too reserved or unable to take any form of flirting... drop them. They are just testing the waters and will end up being a waste of time and prove too frigid.

 

[malachi]

Update on that girl I met for a drink who had previously called me a perv for making an extremely light joke about something kinky. She told me she is now off tinder and not ready for anything. No suggestion she wanted to be mates, which I had put on the table.

Learnt my lesson with girls like this. If they seem a bit too reserved or unable to take any form of flirting... drop them. They are just testing the waters and will end up being a waste of time and prove too frigid.

Too many women get their ego boost off Tinder and other dating apps. Even the women who never had any male attention outside the internet.

 

[Dugganator]

Snip

I don't disagree about what the best way is with you (it was the way you came across) but said friend used to work off shore on a oil rig wasn't as simple as picking up a phone sadly in his case (they didn't even have mobiles, skype was the only method and required him not to be working a 14 hour shift and be in front of his laptop). When he was on shore we used to talk all the time. I know for a fact if I had spoken to him before he did what he did he would still be here but meh you cant change what someone does with a snap decision half away the world when you had no idea that's what that person intended.

Back to the point while there are better options available in the way the information is given be it face to face, via phonecall, message, email, billboard or plane sky painting the message..... I would still tell the friend and let them make their own decisions. Everyone will react differently so hopefully the person who knows his friend and said wife will be the best to make that judgement and do what they feel is best.

 

[Thekwango]

I don't disagree about what the best way is with you (it was the way you came across) but said friend used to work off shore on a oil rig wasn't as simple as picking up a phone sadly in his case (they didn't even have mobiles, skype was the only method and required him not to be working a 14 hour shift and be in front of his laptop). When he was on shore we used to talk all the time. I know for a fact if I had spoken to him before he did what he did he would still be here but meh you cant change what someone does with a snap decision half away the world when you had no idea that's what that person intended.

Back to the point while there are better options available in the way the information is given be it face to face, via phonecall, message, email, billboard or plane sky painting the message..... I would still tell the friend and let them make their own decisions. Everyone will react differently so hopefully the person who knows his friend and said wife will be the best to make that judgement and do what they feel is best.

apologies if I came across 'arsey' it wasn't my intention.

 

[Munky1080]

Thanks for the feedback guys. A lot of you have said everything I've been thinking. I guess I can sum things up by saying I've got a few choices:

A) Ignore it (not really an option!)
B) Confront her about it. I've taken screenshots of her Tinder profile at a few different times, and it shows when she was last online. Her profile was *very* flirty as well.
C) Tell him

If I was the guy in question, I was want my mate to tell me. But not everyone is like that. As some of you have said, it might ruin their marriage, as he might just walk away. Again, personally, I'd want to know the truth.

If I confront her, then she will have the chance to make things right, but then if he finds out I knew and didn't say anything, I could see him getting upset there, too.

To be perfectly honest, I wish I could just unsee this. But I can't. Which is why I'm going to confront her about it, and send her the screenshots asking what she's playing at here. My friend absolutely *worships* his wife. I keep trying to think of reasons besides her looking for a bit on the side that she would join Tinder, and I can't reconcile any of them in my head.

I guess I will say "I need to ask you something and be honest with me. Can you explain this?" and see what happens.

 

[FoxEye]

Are you married Foxeye?

No, I have absolutely no experience with women, /at all/ (see sig). I have avoided doing anything in this thread except asking OP a question (and responding to you )

But I could find myself in the same position as the OP, quite easily. I would then face the same decision OP is facing (though he's made his choice now). My relationship status would not make the decision any different, surely?

The way I would rationalise it to myself is asking myself what I'd want if the roles were reversed. And I'd absolutely 100% want to know if my friend/wife/partner was possibly being dishonest with me. Whether that was re a relationship, or a business partner, or a holiday, or .... x,y,z.

I can't think of any reason why I'd want to be kept in the dark, putting it another way. Or deceived. The consequences are almost irrelevant to the decision (to my mind). The principle is whether I'd want to have things hidden from me. Or whether I'd like people doing things behind my back. Or lying to me. I only know myself, and I know what I'd want.

 

[Diddums]

Fair enough, that explains why we may have different views on things. I'll be married 10 years this year

 

[FoxEye]

Fair enough, that explains why we may have different views on things. I'll be married 10 years this year

Should I say "lucky you" or "poor you"?

 

[FoxEye]

Actually a serious response. Diddums, if you don't mind me asking...

If you were the OP's friend - and let's generalise here, forget Tinder, let's say OP spotted your wife creeping around her ex's house (or whatever, we're generalising) - you seem to be intimating that you'd prefer to remain blissfully ignorant.

Is that the case?

And the follow-on question, if you were the OP's friend in this generalised case, what would you hope OP would do?

 

[413x]

I'd want to know.
If I found a friend knew and hadn't told me I'd no longer consider them a friend in fact

I would tell my friend

 

[dowie]

Not sure what to do here - was swiping through an hour ago and saw the wife of one of my best friends. I can't unsee it, and him and I are quite close.

Do I tell him? Do I not? Do I confront her? Grr. I'm raging, but don't want to make the situation worse, or maybe I've got it wrong. Maybe its none of my business?

Her profile was quite flirty, too, so it didn't looks like it was them as a couple looking for a third, for example. Or some people use it to make friends, but this wasn't the case either, based on what she wrote...

well if he is your mate rather than her I'd let him know about it

Leave it.

My GF and I both were on tinder for a while for a bit of a laugh and told anyone that we matched with what our intentions were (nothing basically).

She's very likely just using it for a bit of self validation tbh. Either way, none of your business really, unless you bring it up as a laugh when you're out for a pint next time you see him.

what is the problem then - if they're both on it for a 'laugh' then when he tells his mate he'll just say, 'yeah I know, we're both on it for a laugh'

the possibility that that is the case isn't a reason not to tell his mate, the possibility that that isn't the case on the other hand is a very strong reason to tell his mate

 

[dowie]

To be perfectly honest, I wish I could just unsee this. But I can't. Which is why I'm going to confront her about it, and send her the screenshots asking what she's playing at here. My friend absolutely *worships* his wife. I keep trying to think of reasons besides her looking for a bit on the side that she would join Tinder, and I can't reconcile any of them in my head.

I guess I will say "I need to ask you something and be honest with me. Can you explain this?" and see what happens.

I think that is the worst option especially if there is some other explanation for her being on there - she doesn't have anything to explain to you either way.
She does however potentially have something to explain to your friend depending on whether he knows or not... You should just let your friend know about it discretely and he can chose how to approach it with her if necessary.

 

[Spook187]

Looks like it's for the dweebs who can't really chat a person up in the flesh.

 

[soundb0y]

Meh lol at all that over using the word message instead of call. My mates and I never call each other unless driving and trying to find eachother. Would be a perfectly appropriate conversation for us to have...ymmv. As I said not insinuating anything just letting them know what I'd seen.

I certainly would want to know regardless of circumstance. It would then be up to myself to determine if a joke or not. In my mind there is no good reason.

Whoever said speak to the wife before your mate... really?!

 

[jonneymendoza]

Whoever said speak to the wife before your mate... really?!

haha innit

 

[Diddums]

Whoever said speak to the wife before your mate... really?!

Yes really, but then I'm assuming that the OP is in a similar position to me, ie. I know the wives of my mates very well and have done for years. Obviously if this isn't the case then that's a different matter altogether.

As I said before.

 

[Thekwango]

Meh lol at all that over using the word message instead of call. My mates and I never call each other unless driving and trying to find eachother. Would be a perfectly appropriate conversation for us to have...ymmv. As I said not insinuating anything just letting them know what I'd seen.

I certainly would want to know regardless of circumstance. It would then be up to myself to determine if a joke or not. In my mind there is no good reason.

Whoever said speak to the wife before your mate... really?!

yea if you felt something had to be said, personally I'd gauge things with the wife first - why cause a potential ruckus for no reason.

I don't or very rarely speak with my mates - most all communication is done via messaging, but I'd never consider sending any of them a message containing this kind of information. you not think this is something that should be handled on a more personal level given the potential seriousness?

 

[soundb0y]

I don't or very rarely speak with my mates - most all communication is done via messaging, but I'd never consider sending any of them a message containing this kind of information. you not think this is something that should be handled on a more personal level given the potential seriousness?

I generally speak to most of mine daily just from shooting the **** over whatsapp so guess thats different. Guess its a generational thing.

 

[CREATIVE!11]

In relation to wife on tinder story.

I found my mates GF on tinder, swiped her to be like I know your game then told my mate about it.

I'd tell your friend brah... jus sayin. Screenshot her profile and show him. If you've already swiped her delete account find her again and show him proof.

As a friend that's all you can do. Rest is up to him.

 

[blitzwing85]

You surely have to tell your mate what you have seen?
Just don't go in there and accuse her when telling him - just say you were browsing there and seen her and just wondered if he knew about it.

Believe me, I've just come out of an 8 year marriage from a wife I absolutely adored beyond belief. I'd have done or given anything for her and we had a great relationship for the first 7 years until she just felt she was drifting from me and decided to leave me.
I was devastated...I barely left my room for ages and just felt depressed and lost...but 3 months later and I'm now packing up ready to emigrate to Iceland on the 28th Jan and live a dream I've had for around 15 years.

So I wouldn't worry about your mate in this situation - if she's messing around and he walks away then that's far better than being screwed over constantly and not knowing. You know, you feel crap, you move on with your life - often to something better.
Not everyone is strong enough or has the support but if you can be then you can make a bad situation work for yourself. But knowing would always be preferable so you can take action where necessary.