What film did you watch last night?
- Thread starter Richeh
- Start date
No Escape. Owen H. Wilson and Pierce J. J. M. Brosnan star in this astonishingly offensive insult to human intelligence.
Wilson plays an American engineer whose job takes him to an obscure country populated entirely by little yellow people, situated somewhere south of China, and identified only as 'Asia.' Later in the movie we learn that Asia shares a border with Vietnam, which does seem to make sense on a certain level.
Miserable piece of dreck.
2/10.
Wilson plays an American engineer whose job takes him to an obscure country populated entirely by little yellow people, situated somewhere south of China, and identified only as 'Asia.' Later in the movie we learn that Asia shares a border with Vietnam, which does seem to make sense on a certain level.
Anyway, Wilson and his family check into a 5 star hotel where nothing works properly because it's Asian, ha ha, and those funny little yellow people just can't do anything right, ho ho, so their idea of 5 star is equivalent to our idea of 2 star, hee hee. Let's all laugh at the incompetent little yellow people and their crappy '5 star' hotel! Good times.
Within hours of Wilson's arrival the entire nation is plunged into anarchy by a military coup that starts with the assassination of the prime minister, whose security precautions involved standing around in a completely unguarded area with a couple of waiters, and just hoping nobody would shoot him.
The deficiencies of this plan are much clearer in hindsight, apparently.
While one group of coup members ransacks the prime minister's palace or summer residence or 2 star hotel or whatever the hell it is, the rest of them hit the streets and go looking for trouble. Having roused the locals to a fever pitch, they clash spectacularly with riot police, whose firearms, shields and body armour are no match for people wearing loose cotton and carrying sticks and stones.
For reasons nobody's sure about, the citizens of Asia have decided all white people must die. Wilson gathers his family and heads to the roof with the rest of the white people, where they are met with a hail of bullets from a helicopter that conveniently crashes minutes later because otherwise the movie would be over by now.
It is here that Wilson learns a vital secret that will keep his family alive for the rest of the movie: little yellow people can't see you as long as you're crouching beneath something. You don't even need to be fully concealed; just get under something and nobody will know you're there.
Wilson and his family escape from the roof by jumping to another building and throwing their children across an impossible gap, as you do.
From here it's a predictable slalom down the slopes of incredulity as the Wilsons escape more yellow people (portrayed as bug-eyed zombies) and eventually team up with James Bond (played by Pierce J. J. M. Brosnan) who admits he might be sort of partly responsible for the local unrest, because he's 'British CIA' or 'something like that', and the government of Asia owes money it can't repay to the USA and UK, so of course killing all the white tourists who bring essential revenue to the nation is the best way to solve this problem.
In a series of increasingly predicable scenes, Bond's little yellow sidekick is killed by the angry little yellow people and Bond himself is accidentally run over by a truck because even international super-spies sometimes forget to look twice before crossing the street.
Meanwhile the entire coup army is hunting the Wilsons, since they're the only white people left alive in Asia. The Wilsons prove much harder to kill than expected because that's what the script requires. Eventually they reach the border, where Vietnamese soldiers threaten to kill them if they enter Vietnam.
Naturally they ignore this (because hey, the Vietnamese are just little yellow people) and sure enough they are not killed at all. Instead, the Vietnamese army protects them from the coup army, which has arrived just in time to look mildly embarrassed about the whole situation.
Roll credits, throw popcorn.
Within hours of Wilson's arrival the entire nation is plunged into anarchy by a military coup that starts with the assassination of the prime minister, whose security precautions involved standing around in a completely unguarded area with a couple of waiters, and just hoping nobody would shoot him.
The deficiencies of this plan are much clearer in hindsight, apparently.
While one group of coup members ransacks the prime minister's palace or summer residence or 2 star hotel or whatever the hell it is, the rest of them hit the streets and go looking for trouble. Having roused the locals to a fever pitch, they clash spectacularly with riot police, whose firearms, shields and body armour are no match for people wearing loose cotton and carrying sticks and stones.
For reasons nobody's sure about, the citizens of Asia have decided all white people must die. Wilson gathers his family and heads to the roof with the rest of the white people, where they are met with a hail of bullets from a helicopter that conveniently crashes minutes later because otherwise the movie would be over by now.
It is here that Wilson learns a vital secret that will keep his family alive for the rest of the movie: little yellow people can't see you as long as you're crouching beneath something. You don't even need to be fully concealed; just get under something and nobody will know you're there.
Wilson and his family escape from the roof by jumping to another building and throwing their children across an impossible gap, as you do.
From here it's a predictable slalom down the slopes of incredulity as the Wilsons escape more yellow people (portrayed as bug-eyed zombies) and eventually team up with James Bond (played by Pierce J. J. M. Brosnan) who admits he might be sort of partly responsible for the local unrest, because he's 'British CIA' or 'something like that', and the government of Asia owes money it can't repay to the USA and UK, so of course killing all the white tourists who bring essential revenue to the nation is the best way to solve this problem.
In a series of increasingly predicable scenes, Bond's little yellow sidekick is killed by the angry little yellow people and Bond himself is accidentally run over by a truck because even international super-spies sometimes forget to look twice before crossing the street.
Meanwhile the entire coup army is hunting the Wilsons, since they're the only white people left alive in Asia. The Wilsons prove much harder to kill than expected because that's what the script requires. Eventually they reach the border, where Vietnamese soldiers threaten to kill them if they enter Vietnam.
Naturally they ignore this (because hey, the Vietnamese are just little yellow people) and sure enough they are not killed at all. Instead, the Vietnamese army protects them from the coup army, which has arrived just in time to look mildly embarrassed about the whole situation.
Roll credits, throw popcorn.
Miserable piece of dreck.
2/10.
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LOL, it's so true
Just keepin' it real for the peeps!
You should start doing requests for film reviews
Saving Private Ryan... Seventeen years old (the film) yet I'd never seen it. Steven Spielberg doesn't shy away from the full gore of war in this, esp. in the opening beach landing. Certainly quite a harrowing portrayal of warfare, attached to a odd mission to rescue one man in the face of so much death... Did this sort of thing happen for real; pulling one man out as the rest of his siblings had died?
Hard to believe SS went on the make the terrible Warhorse after making this... WH was as sentimental and unrealistic portrayal of war [and farming on Dartmoor ha-ha] as you could get .
9/10 (and 2/10 for Warhorse, which I saw some time ago)
Hard to believe SS went on the make the terrible Warhorse after making this... WH was as sentimental and unrealistic portrayal of war [and farming on Dartmoor ha-ha] as you could get .
9/10 (and 2/10 for Warhorse, which I saw some time ago)
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Heh, you say that as though SPR isn't a bit sentimental in its portrayal of an ordinary teacher going to war to fight for his country and winding up saving a poor lost son so his mum doesn't cry.
Brilliant film, mind you.
Brilliant film, mind you.
Well yes, its not without sentiment... it just not the nauseating vom fest that is Warhorse
Soldato
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Ant Man is good fun and doesn't take itself at all seriously.
Perhaps a tiny bit slow to get going though.
7.5/10 for it's genre.
I enjoyed it a lot more than Age of Ultron anyway.
Perhaps a tiny bit slow to get going though.
7.5/10 for it's genre.
I enjoyed it a lot more than Age of Ultron anyway.
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Age of Ultron is a strange one I never liked on 1st viewing but later when it came out on DVD i liked it a lot more.
But I agree Ant Man is better than Ultron, a fun heist film and Rudd is very likeable in the lead role, the only thing that lets down the film is the crowbarred in love interest.
Man From UNCLE
It was alright I guess, a little light on story and a bit rushed across the board. Disappointing ending, but solid entertainment.
5/10
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Spectre
Really, really good actually. On par with Skyfall at least for the first and second acts. Then things started to go downhill (also like Skyfall) and the ending was "meh". A fun film I'd say.
7.5/10
Seriously, what is up with the third act/endings of movies recently? They're all terrible, like the writers just called it in and cashed their cheque.
It was alright I guess, a little light on story and a bit rushed across the board. Disappointing ending, but solid entertainment.
5/10
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Spectre
Really, really good actually. On par with Skyfall at least for the first and second acts. Then things started to go downhill (also like Skyfall) and the ending was "meh". A fun film I'd say.
7.5/10
Seriously, what is up with the third act/endings of movies recently? They're all terrible, like the writers just called it in and cashed their cheque.
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Absolutely Anything - Absolutely dreadful! 4/10