The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Stolly · 24 Oct 2012 at 09:24

Fuzz said:
I'm getting hate mail (texts) from a an ex mate now about steaming into his ex GF after he left.

He doesn't seem to be too clued up on what "bound over to keep the peace" for a year less than a month ago actually means.

Well, what period of time elapsed between leaving and steaming ?

Holliday · 24 Oct 2012 at 09:43

MoNkeE said:
If she's not attracted to him now, I don't think wearing her shoes is going to help.

pcoltrane · 24 Oct 2012 at 10:55

cork-spotters said:
I don't really get your first statement.

We're in the same uni course, albeit final year, so stuck with her till May
We also share the same group of friends so now that's in a heap too. So ya, I got myself in a mess. I'm not going to let her make me lose my friends though, she's had enough control up till now.

I am however completely blanking her. Have told her to never contact me again, removed her from skype/phone/google chat and have unsubscribed on facebook so I never have to see another of her posts. She has to realise I'm not going to be her emotional crutch when she couldn't give a flying **** about me.

Thanks for the sensible words though guys and lady. I went out with my other main group of friends last night (was arranged before the above mess came to a head) and it really did help. I'm just really glad I didn't make the mistake of blanking other friends when a girl gets involved. About the only mistake in the book I didn't make, tbh!

You're still at uni? If you do it right you'll probably look back at this as the best thing that ever happened to you.

Have as little contact as humanly possible with her and get out there having fun as much as possible! Meet as many new people as you can. It's amazing how easy it is at uni to just talk to new people at the bar etc. The few that knock you back - it's their loss

You'll soon forget about this girl when you're out having fun every night. You'll no doubt meet far more interesting girls too who will make you realise she probably wasn't all that after all anyway.

What ever you do - don't waste your final year at uni moping over her.

ikillbears · 24 Oct 2012 at 11:09

dave1983 said:
Well i told her how i feel and the outcome was worse imo

The problem i have is that i admit i never let her finish the sentence, but it because she's quite negative, so it winds me up. She always tries to use something in the relationship to get back at me, for example today it was the joint account and the chore list. then she states im immature.

she admits that she doesn't talk cause i never listen, but it's difficult who always throws insults at you, the phrase man the f up. one minute im nasty next im not. then one minute she asks if i'm coming to her bday then says whats the point....

Vvhat do you want from me women.

did you say you were married and are only just finding this out now ?

regulus · 24 Oct 2012 at 16:56

Back with the Swede again. Probably for the time being if history is anything to go by.

Kristoph · 24 Oct 2012 at 17:56

How between meeting someone, dating and doing things together on a weekly basis before you'd expect to be in a relationship? I know it's different from situation to situation, but with my ex it took us less than 3 weeks between meeting to being in a what ended up a 3 and a half year relationship.

I'm at 3 months and things are still progressing and getting better, and I've tried to move things forward as I'm serious about her, but received 'maybe'.

Commitment phobia or more time needed, I have no idea.

Fuzz · 24 Oct 2012 at 18:16

Stolly said:
Well, what period of time elapsed between leaving and steaming ?

She's been trying to leave him Since May, culminating in him getting arrested at the end of August, went to court in the middle of September and he moved away from the area at the end of September.

cork-spotters · 25 Oct 2012 at 21:23

cork-spotters said:
Ya I think you've summed it up pretty well actually!

No way am I prepared to screw up my studies for her, wouldn't give her the satisfaction! I'm going to put the head down and concentrate on keeping my life on track for a bit. Not going to fall into the rebound situation.

Getting an impartial perspective here has been a good help.

Oh deary me. Now the big apology is after coming in. Although she's not a bad person, quite the opposite actually, she has really hurt me. I really don't know what to do. I've not replied, in fact I've blanked her in every possible way for the past week.

We're over, but for the sake of our group of friends I don't know if I should make some effort to be civil?

Narj · 25 Oct 2012 at 21:49

This is the part where she tries to make you feel like it's all your fault... blank her.

CaptainRAVE · 28 Oct 2012 at 16:10

She broke up with me after 4 1/2 years, I don't know what to do

How do I make the pain stop?

knip · 28 Oct 2012 at 16:15

CaptainRAVE said:
She broke up with me after 4 1/2 years, I don't know what to do

How do I make the pain stop?

You don't make it stop. Just one day you notice that it hurts a little less, and then a bit less, until eventually you feel normal again.

4 and a half years is a long time though. Must be really hard. Any idea why?

Have a *hug*

Kamwah · 28 Oct 2012 at 16:17

CaptainRAVE said:
She broke up with me after 4 1/2 years, I don't know what to do

How do I make the pain stop?

Depending on the reasons of why she broke it off changes the options you have.

4 1/2 years is a lot to throw away though so unless you give us the story somewhat we can't really suggest anything.

I assume from your post that you may have accepted that she's left which is always a start. You can't stop the pain, it'll go away on it's own as long as you don't shut yourself away.

Naffa · 28 Oct 2012 at 16:19

CaptainRAVE said:
She broke up with me after 4 1/2 years, I don't know what to do

How do I make the pain stop?

The bad news is that you can't. You have to feel it, and the quicker you do feel it, the quicker it will go away. Keep yourself as busy as possible, and for goodness sake try to spend as little time alone as possible.

CaptainRAVE · 28 Oct 2012 at 16:20

knip said:
You don't make it stop. Just one day you notice that it hurts a little less, and then a bit less, until eventually you feel normal again.

4 and a half years is a long time though. Must be really hard. Any idea why?

Have a *hug*

She is doing a PhD in Exeter, I took a job in Reading (with the eventual aim to both link up together in a couple of years, all of her friends and family are from this area).

The past couple of years have been tough on our relationship with me writing my thesis and then doing teacher training. I know we are not as good as we used to be, but it was getting better.

We haven't seen each other for about 7 weeks, so she came down this weekend and I really spoiled her because I haven't seen her for so long. Just dropping her off at the train station and we had the chat - devastated and ruined my half term (at the very least)

I always thought she was the one, she is my best friend

Kamwah · 28 Oct 2012 at 16:25

CaptainRAVE said:
She is doing a PhD in Exeter, I took a job in Reading (with the eventual aim to both link up together in a couple of years, all of her friends and family are from this area).

The past couple of years have been tough on our relationship with me writing my thesis and then doing teacher training. I know we are not as good as we used to be, but it was getting better.

We haven't seen each other for about 7 weeks, so she came down this weekend and I really spoiled her because I haven't seen her for so long. Just dropping her off at the train station and we had the chat - devastated and ruined my half term (at the very least)

I always thought she was the one, she is my best friend

That's kind of a kick in the teeth =/
I'd have suspicions of why she didn't tell me straight off the bat but that won't help you.

Long distance relationships are terrible, TBH I don't think there's anything you can do with her being so far away.

I'd just suggest you do what the others mentioned and don't be alone too much.

knip · 28 Oct 2012 at 16:34

CaptainRAVE said:
She is doing a PhD in Exeter, I took a job in Reading (with the eventual aim to both link up together in a couple of years, all of her friends and family are from this area).

The past couple of years have been tough on our relationship with me writing my thesis and then doing teacher training. I know we are not as good as we used to be, but it was getting better.

We haven't seen each other for about 7 weeks, so she came down this weekend and I really spoiled her because I haven't seen her for so long. Just dropping her off at the train station and we had the chat - devastated and ruined my half term (at the very least)

I always thought she was the one, she is my best friend

Im not going to say it's going to be ok, because it won't feel like that now. It does get better in the end though.

Maybe she used the time she spent with you this weekend, to weigh things up in her head, and make her final decision. Which is why it then all came out on the way to the train station, because then she couldn't leave it any longer.

Best friends don't always equal the best relationships. 7 weeks is a long time, and if you are able to be apart for that length of time, then that suggests you aren't actually bonded that well together. That's not to say its anyones fault, more that as time has gone on, you've become different people, and the distance means you've drifted.

She's done the decent thing, and told you to your face, now you just have to figure out how to "be" without her. I guess if its been 7 weeks, then you've kept yourself busy doing stuff without her in that time anyway. Now you just have to break the habit of being in touch with her, and learn to make a life without her, as harsh as that sounds.

CaptainRAVE · 28 Oct 2012 at 16:50

Thank-you for the wise words, I think I just need to feel this. Deep down it has been there for a while, but I just didn't see this actually happening.

The whole reason I moved here was to setup a life for us. I know it sounds silly

I am not even convinced she can go through with this tbh. I have sent her flowers with the message:

"To my best friend, Are we really going to throw away 4 1/2 amazing years? I will love you always and I will always appreciate you being there for me through some really difficult times xxx"

Just going to leave it at that. She is texting me realising that she has messed up a lot, but the ball is in her court now.

CaptainRAVE · 31 Oct 2012 at 11:49

So I went down to Exeter to see her on Monday, there was a lot unsaid between us. We have ended it, but properly this time. There was a lot that I needed to say and a lot that she needed to say (most of which the other hadn't realised).

This hurts, but I am sure I will get through it somehow. Christmas and New Year are going to be rough.

The question is next, how do I move on? I honestly have no idea how to meet someone anymore (we both met at uni where it was much, much easier!).

Muel · 31 Oct 2012 at 12:21

CaptainRAVE said:
The question is next, how do I move on? I honestly have no idea how to meet someone anymore (we both met at uni where it was much, much easier!).

You don't IMO. 4 1/2 years is too long a time to immediately look for someone else. Spend a few months (after 4 1/2 years, I'd say 6 months) learning to be single again. There are a lot of advantages to be had! Concentrate on doing all the things you never could in the relationship, then one day you'll realise you've healed enough to look for someone new.

I just ask myself a simple question each time I need to "move on", which is would you still take her back? In 3 months time, I'd put money on the answer still being yes, you'd take her back in a heartbeat. in 6 months - 1 year, you might have started to realise why the relationship failed in the first place. My advice would be to wait until enough time has passed that you don't want her back any more, before searching for someone new.

Kamwah · 31 Oct 2012 at 12:23

CaptainRAVE said:
So I went down to Exeter to see her on Monday, there was a lot unsaid between us. We have ended it, but properly this time. There was a lot that I needed to say and a lot that she needed to say (most of which the other hadn't realised).

This hurts, but I am sure I will get through it somehow. Christmas and New Year are going to be rough.

The question is next, how do I move on? I honestly have no idea how to meet someone anymore (we both met at uni where it was much, much easier!).

Just live your life. IMO you find a lot more rocks and maybe a few iffy diamonds if you're actively looking for someone.

You must have friends so just have fun and go out whenever you can, remember you don't need to spend an arm and a leg to have fun with mates.