The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[Adnams Drinker]

Hey all,

So basically, a few months ago I broke up with my ex of almost 4 years. Now even though I broke up with her I am struggling to get over the relationship, I find my self with a lot of free time in comparison to before, I am spending my weekends partying / going out in an attempt to keep my self busy, and working during the week, gym on week nights etc, but its tough filling all that time where you previously were always with someone, know what I mean?

I don't know how long it has been, but I still feel crappy about the whole thing.

Any words of advice guys?

Weekends partying, working and gym during the week - Jeez, how much more free time do you have? Sounds like you're doing just fine in the 'keeping yourself occupied' stakes.

As for how long it'll take to not feel crappy, you've got to expect 6 months to a year. In my case, after a 26 year relationship that was the foundation of my world, it took about 8 months until I felt 'normal' again. As the guys here said to me at the time, there will be peaks and troughs along the way - you'll feel great and then something will happen to make you feel like crap again - but gradually the peaks will begin to outnumber the troughs.

Me personally cannot be arsed with women anymore, one man band from now on for me. Ham shank money in the bank.

This is totally me at the moment - freedom to do what you want when you want after years having to consider someone else is breathtaking. I really don't mean that to come across as selfish as it sounds, but it's true ...

 

[XeNoN89]

This is totally me at the moment - freedom to do what you want when you want after years having to consider someone else is breathtaking. I really don't mean that to come across as selfish as it sounds, but it's true ...

It's the best thing. I really notice it as all my mates are in relationships and literally have their life planned out by their other half. They are constantly agreeing to do stuff then tell me they didn't realise they had something else booked on that day. Their girlfriends/wives literally fill out the calendar with plans that they have no idea about!

 

[malachi]

It's the best thing. I really notice it as all my mates are in relationships and literally have their life planned out by their other half. They are constantly agreeing to do stuff then tell me they didn't realise they had something else booked on that day. Their girlfriends/wives literally fill out the calendar with plans that they have no idea about!

I've lost count how many times that's happened to my friends. As if they don't communicate with their partners and they all live with each other.

 

[413x]

It's the best thing. I really notice it as all my mates are in relationships and literally have their life planned out by their other half. They are constantly agreeing to do stuff then tell me they didn't realise they had something else booked on that day. Their girlfriends/wives literally fill out the calendar with plans that they have no idea about!

These aren't great relationships

 

[.Lethal]

These aren't great relationships

It’s a sweeping generalisation, my relationship is nothing of the sort.

 

[413x]

It’s a sweeping generalisation, my relationship is nothing of the sort.

Having your life Planned by by your partner is good?

 

[Avenged7Fold]

I came out of a fairly toxic relationship at the start of this year. We had lived together for about four years and the breakup was as messy as you can get. I knew full well i would be better off without but adjusting to new life was difficult. You realise in a toxic relationship that you end up failing to make yourself happy and spend a lot of the time holding crumbling parts of your life together.

I had to keep busy with mates and hobbies after the breakup and decided i needed to feel some sort of progression in my life. I decided to get back into shape and really dedicate myself to going to the gym and nailing my nutrition out. I was never particularly fat but i ended up losing 2 stone since then and have started to build a far more athletic shape. I feel stronger and better than ever and have found a love for the gym spending about 6-7 hours a week in there. At first I just wanted to look a bit better and feel like i was achieving something in the times I needed a distraction but since my goals and constantly setting new ones.

On the women side of things, i felt like i didn't really know what to do without them and was not sure if i was going to be fine with single life. That stuff melted away as soon as i started feeling better about myself and even ended up getting together with a friend of mine that I've known for years from the pub. Funnily enough, though it was never intended, i've ended up essentially in a relationship with them and have spent the last few months at her house rather than mine.

At the moment i feel happier with myself as a person, be it single or not, than ever before.

 

[A2Z]

Having your life Planned by by your partner is good?

No, but when you are in a relationship you can't carry on as if you are single and just plan stuff for yourself with no thought on the other person.

Everyone knows the woman runs the relationship, people just don't like to admit it.

 

[.Lethal]

Having your life Planned by by your partner is good?

No.

 

[Guest2]

I have a slight dilemma (not a bad one by a long shot but still quite bad)

I've been with my girlfriend for just over a year now, we still get on perfectly fine however;

She 100% never wants kids and I eventually do
She works shifts and I work a standard 9-5 (this can be worked around but sometimes don't see here for 5 - 7 days at a time)
She earns quite a bit less money than me (1/3) which would make things like trips and holidays more difficult
She hates my mother for some reason - even though she has only met her twice ever

I have recently started talking to another more local girl and we get on, we have been for coffee a few times and she's been back to mine but nothing has happened.
She has a boyfriend (5+ years) but from what she has told me, they don't have much in common.
She is going to tell him soon we have been hanging out.
I want to do the same but don't think this will go down well at all, at the same time I'm not sure I want to outright split up with her because A. I think I still love her B. this other girl may possibly carry things on with her boyfriend, leaving me no-where.

Should I...

A. Tell her I have been speaking to another girl
B. Outright break up because of reasons listed above
C. Tell her nothing and wait to see how things pan out
D. Something else?

 

[Pudney]

Everyone knows the woman runs the relationship, people just don't like to admit it.

Which is of course nonsense in real life.

 

[Distracted]

She has a boyfriend (5+ years) but from what she has told me, they don't have much in common.
She is going to tell him soon we have been hanging out.

If that means her ending things with him then I wouldn't expect that to happen until it actually does. It's easy to say you are going to do a thing but taking the step is a completely different level.

Should I...

A. Tell her I have been speaking to another girl

Are you crazy? Honesty has a time and a place. If you aren't happy then tell her and let her move on. Don't keep her around as a backup. But if you are thinking of telling her you've been scouting her replacement then I would say hide anything sharp before you do.

 

[413x]

B. This other girl might not break up with her bf..


This is bad! If you would go with this new girl if you were single, you shouldn't be with the original. Do just bounce from girl to girl

 

[.Lethal]

Should I...

A. Tell her I have been speaking to another girl
B. Outright break up because of reasons listed above
C. Tell her nothing and wait to see how things pan out
D. Something else?

B. I mean, you've started to move on from what I'm reading. All A will do is cause drama and C is morally not a good idea which could also lead to A being more drama.

If you decide to end things I'd suggest not mentioning this new girl you like because nothing has actually happened and it won't go down well for you.

 

[A2Z]

Which is of course nonsense in real life.

I take it you have never had much success with the ladies otherwise you would know its true.

 

[Hades]

I have a slight dilemma (not a bad one by a long shot but still quite bad)

I've been with my girlfriend for just over a year now, we still get on perfectly fine however;

She 100% never wants kids and I eventually do
She works shifts and I work a standard 9-5 (this can be worked around but sometimes don't see here for 5 - 7 days at a time)
She earns quite a bit less money than me (1/3) which would make things like trips and holidays more difficult
She hates my mother for some reason - even though she has only met her twice ever

I have recently started talking to another more local girl and we get on, we have been for coffee a few times and she's been back to mine but nothing has happened.
She has a boyfriend (5+ years) but from what she has told me, they don't have much in common.
She is going to tell him soon we have been hanging out.
I want to do the same but don't think this will go down well at all, at the same time I'm not sure I want to outright split up with her because A. I think I still love her B. this other girl may possibly carry things on with her boyfriend, leaving me no-where.

Should I...

A. Tell her I have been speaking to another girl
B. Outright break up because of reasons listed above
C. Tell her nothing and wait to see how things pan out
D. Something else?

B

 

[JBuk]

I have a slight dilemma (not a bad one by a long shot but still quite bad)

I've been with my girlfriend for just over a year now, we still get on perfectly fine however;

She 100% never wants kids and I eventually do
She works shifts and I work a standard 9-5 (this can be worked around but sometimes don't see here for 5 - 7 days at a time)
She earns quite a bit less money than me (1/3) which would make things like trips and holidays more difficult
She hates my mother for some reason - even though she has only met her twice ever

I have recently started talking to another more local girl and we get on, we have been for coffee a few times and she's been back to mine but nothing has happened.
She has a boyfriend (5+ years) but from what she has told me, they don't have much in common.
She is going to tell him soon we have been hanging out.
I want to do the same but don't think this will go down well at all, at the same time I'm not sure I want to outright split up with her because A. I think I still love her B. this other girl may possibly carry things on with her boyfriend, leaving me no-where.

Should I...

A. Tell her I have been speaking to another girl
B. Outright break up because of reasons listed above
C. Tell her nothing and wait to see how things pan out
D. Something else?

B.

 

[malachi]

I have a slight dilemma (not a bad one by a long shot but still quite bad)

I've been with my girlfriend for just over a year now, we still get on perfectly fine however;

She 100% never wants kids and I eventually do
She works shifts and I work a standard 9-5 (this can be worked around but sometimes don't see here for 5 - 7 days at a time)
She earns quite a bit less money than me (1/3) which would make things like trips and holidays more difficult
She hates my mother for some reason - even though she has only met her twice ever

I have recently started talking to another more local girl and we get on, we have been for coffee a few times and she's been back to mine but nothing has happened.
She has a boyfriend (5+ years) but from what she has told me, they don't have much in common.
She is going to tell him soon we have been hanging out.
I want to do the same but don't think this will go down well at all, at the same time I'm not sure I want to outright split up with her because A. I think I still love her B. this other girl may possibly carry things on with her boyfriend, leaving me no-where.

Should I...

A. Tell her I have been speaking to another girl
B. Outright break up because of reasons listed above
C. Tell her nothing and wait to see how things pan out
D. Something else?

As yourself this question. If this other girl didn't come along, would you be thinking about any of the above or would you carry on as normal?

 

[regulus]

I have a slight dilemma (not a bad one by a long shot but still quite bad)

I've been with my girlfriend for just over a year now, we still get on perfectly fine however;

She 100% never wants kids and I eventually do
She works shifts and I work a standard 9-5 (this can be worked around but sometimes don't see here for 5 - 7 days at a time)
She earns quite a bit less money than me (1/3) which would make things like trips and holidays more difficult
She hates my mother for some reason - even though she has only met her twice ever

I have recently started talking to another more local girl and we get on, we have been for coffee a few times and she's been back to mine but nothing has happened.
She has a boyfriend (5+ years) but from what she has told me, they don't have much in common.
She is going to tell him soon we have been hanging out.
I want to do the same but don't think this will go down well at all, at the same time I'm not sure I want to outright split up with her because A. I think I still love her B. this other girl may possibly carry things on with her boyfriend, leaving me no-where.

Should I...

A. Tell her I have been speaking to another girl
B. Outright break up because of reasons listed above
C. Tell her nothing and wait to see how things pan out
D. Something else?

She's cheating on her boyfriend.

Need more?

 

[ci_newman]

Another +1 for option B.

Theres some major red flags there, get out before you do some serious damage.