Family dispute incoming

[Kenai]

You're missing the point that he was told he'd get 50% and now the house has gone.
He just wants to ask why?
I see no problem in that to be honest.

At the moment, he's not even 100% sure that his sister didn't buy the house from his mum - if she did, he'll still get a chunk of the money when she passes - he doesn't know it (or it's value) is 'gone' from the equation.

There's so many different potential scenarios that could have played out here, which is why the first thing he needs to settle on is deciding what he actually wants as an outcome from the conversation. Does he actually just want to know 'why?' through a sense of curiosity or does he feel entitled to more than that? It shapes the conversation in completely different directions.

 

[ivrytwr3]

I disagree. A good parent isn't about favouring one or another, it's making sure your kids are ok. The fact that people see this as something that has to be "fair" is just all in their own heads. Why does it matter? Oh, you get an ice cream, so I better get them one too so they don't feel I don't love them?! I think people need to grow up in their emotional maturity a bit.

Disagree all you want, if one gets an ice cream, the other does too. However, we are talking a £300k house, unless both kids are millionaires i can say with confidence that that would cause some animosity.

 

[413x]

Personally not bothered. My parents will probably leave things equally to me and my sister, but if they didn't, so be it. I won't be asking them what their plans are, if they choose to tell me then that's fine. They might skip over me and leave it to the grandkids, which is fine too.

I haven't already banked anything in my mind (sounds like some people have), so it doesn't matter.

We are a small family and never argue about anything, and there is never any wider family drama. So maybe that's why Im not bothered. Some families are constant drama.

For sure.
Its definitely better for grandparents to pass to grandkids. Would probably still have a family now if that happened to mine. Plus. Many don't really need money when they themselves are hitting retirement. Better to have it when getting on the housing ladder.

I've abandoned all my extended family. There's so much infighting between my parents and my uncles the environment is just better to be out of. I no longer speak to any of them because it would just alternate my parents.

Said many times to my sisters it would have been better if my grandparents died with nothing.

Envy your family have no drama.

 

[HungryHippos]

You can't typically sell a house for nothing, if she's sold it at say 50% of RRP, then the sister would have had to have paid 50% somehow.

Thing for me here is that if the parents still have a plan to 50:50 the inheritance, they could have mentioned it to OP and confirmed that they are selling the house to her early, and that he will get extra from the rest of the estate later on to make up for it. I'd be OK with that personally.

In general, I find it funny that people are so willing to give up on an assumed equal stance on inheritance, are the people here who don't care volunteering to contact their parents and asking to receive nothing I wonder?

 

[HungryHippos]

Its definitely better for grandparents to pass to grandkids

This is going to depend a bit, when my grandparents died my dad got half of their inheritance along with his sister.

The inheritance wasn't much all told, and my mum and dad have retired, and I don't think they have tons of money either, so they can use the money to help maintain their lifestyle, they trickled down a little to us.

Simpler to leave inheritance to direct children and let them distribute to grandchildren probably.

 

[Kenai]

In general, I find it funny that people are so willing to give up on an assumed equal stance on inheritance, are the people here who don't care volunteering to contact their parents and asking to receive nothing I wonder?

It's not something I intend to discuss with them, unless they choose to discuss it with me - it's their money and their decision.

I won't be telling them I want nothing (why should I presume I'm entitled to anything in the first place to say I don't want it?) and equally nor will I be telling them I expect an equal share and demanding answers if something occurs that might imply my sister would get more than me.

 

[the shadow]

Sell the story to the Daily Mail

 

[potatolord]

At the moment, he's not even 100% sure that his sister didn't buy the house from his mum - if she did, he'll still get a chunk of the money when she passes - he doesn't know it (or it's value) is 'gone' from the equation.

There's so many different potential scenarios that could have played out here, which is why the first thing he needs to settle on is deciding what he actually wants as an outcome from the conversation. Does he actually just want to know 'why?' through a sense of curiosity or does he feel entitled to more than that? It shapes the conversation in completely different directions.

Thanks.

Following a few replies here, I will be working out my approach and wording carefully.

The main thing is to not make my mum feel attacked.

I guess I really want to know why she felt like she couldn't involve me in what was a pretty big decision. I might hear things I don't like, so need to be prepared in order to not react badly.

I'm going to have to be in listening mode, that's for sure.

 

[throwaway4372]

I'm thinking along these lines:

"Hi Mum, Auntie mentioned that Sister now owns the house, you told me you owned it, so I checked and the Land Registry says Sister owns it, are you aware?"

followed by:

"I don't want inheritance surprises to cause a rift between myself and Sister when you're gone. So please be transparent about your wishes."

 

[BigT]

I would advocate starting the conversation like a counsellor would advise.

The only indisputable facts here are how you feel. Anything else is assumptions on your part and she could counter (either truthfully or lying). You don't know she gave it away. You don't know if she's sold it cheap as early inheritance for your sister and planning on leaving you all her cash on a more positive potential narrative.

So focus on how this situation has made you feel (she can't dispute how you feel) and see how she reacts. You'll likely yield a more productive outcome. Something like, "I heard from Auntie that you may have given the house to my sister. This makes me feel very sad because I didn't know that and I believe it happened years ago. I feel hurt that you couldn't have talked to me about it. Can you help me understand?"

Focus on YOU and your feelings and not HER and what she has done. If you find yourself slipping into "you did this" and "you lied to me" you're using the wrong language and it'll come across as adversarial. Once you're in that mode it'll just become a slanging match and you'll not get any real answers.

 

[HungryHippos]

It's not something I intend to discuss with them, unless they choose to discuss it with me - it's their money and their decision.

I won't be telling them I want nothing (why should I presume I'm entitled to anything in the first place to say I don't want it?) and equally nor will I be telling them I expect an equal share and demanding answers if something occurs that might imply my sister would get more than me.

My mum was on the receiving end of the getting less thing, it's not a topic we often talk about but she's always said that anything she gives to us would be equally split. Her sister siphoned off a lot of cash and assets from my grandparents before they passed away and tried to hide it. So without really directly asking her about it, pretty sure we'll get an even split.

This approach makes the most sense to me, call it entitlement if you will, but unless there is an actual good reason not to, I don't think it's fair to play favourites and leave everything to one child and nothing to another.

 

[potatolord]

I would advocate starting the conversation like a counsellor would advise.

The only indisputable facts here are how you feel. Anything else is assumptions on your part and she could counter (either truthfully or lying). You don't know she gave it away. You don't know if she's sold it cheap as early inheritance for your sister and planning on leaving you all her cash on a more positive potential narrative.

So focus on how this situation has made you feel (she can't dispute how you feel) and see how she reacts. You'll likely yield a more productive outcome. Something like, "I heard from Auntie that you may have given the house to my sister. This makes me feel very sad because I didn't know that and I believe it happened years ago. I feel hurt that you couldn't have talked to me about it. Can you help me understand?"

Focus on YOU and your feelings and not HER and what she has done. If you find yourself slipping into "you did this" and "you lied to me" you're using the wrong language and it'll come across as adversarial. Once you're in that mode it'll just become a slanging match and you'll not get any real answers.

Thanks-that's very helpful and I'll use that in my approach.

 

[danlightbulb]

Her sister siphoned off a lot of cash and assets from my grandparents before they passed away and tried to hide it.

Some people are scum.

 

[Hades]

The lies sure, not good. The money was never yours.

Exactly this. When my father was dying he started talking to us about who he was leaving various things and money to. My brother and I made it very clear it was entirely up to him. It wasn't our money and he should do with it as he saw fit.

I can understand the OP being upset but it's really not his money to get upset about.

 

[ivrytwr3]

Exactly this. When my father was dying he started talking to us about who he was leaving various things and money to. My brother and I made it very clear it was entirely up to him. It wasn't our money and he should do with it as he saw fit.

I can understand the OP being upset but it's really not his money to get upset about.

But like a number of comments here, your father talked to you about it. The OP has heard about this through a 3rd party.

100% agree it is their money to do with as they wish, but to save any resentment or questions later down the line, surely a conversation between all should be had?

 

[katy81]

Sounds like you have already mentally spent the money

 

[the shadow]

As long as they have their faculties and not under duress

 

[Haze]

Sounds like a "cool story bro" thread...

Where op needs to learn how to man up and sit down and talk to his family, kinda seems like this is why his sister got a house and he got nothing, because he has nothing to do with them and is incapable of talking to his mum

 

[One More Solo]

Thanks.

Following a few replies here, I will be working out my approach and wording carefully.

The main thing is to not make my mum feel attacked.

I guess I really want to know why she felt like she couldn't involve me in what was a pretty big decision. I might hear things I don't like, so need to be prepared in order to not react badly.

I'm going to have to be in listening mode, that's for sure.

I think you need to very carefully articulate the difference between being involved in the decision (which was nothing to do with you and you had no right to interfere with) and being aware of the decision.

 

[ivrytwr3]

Sounds like a "cool story bro" thread...

Where op needs to learn how to man up and sit down and talk to his family, kinda seems like this is why his sister got a house and he got nothing, because he has nothing to do with them and is incapable of talking to his mum

He sees Mum weekly, does gardening, shopping etc and was originally told the will was 50/50.

He didn't know house was given/sold to sis, was told buy his Auntie, this was all done behind his back - what conversation could he have had over something he wasn't aware of?