Family dispute incoming

Colonel_Klinck said:
Because this isn't the forum I would bring this kind of thread to, I'm not surprised at the reaction in the slightest.
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Shouldn't matter what part of the forum it's in, doesn't mean people have the right to be doughnuts for the sake of it.

I know it's an open forum and all, but bit of common courtesy doesn't hurt.

Anyhoo, this sort of thing tears family apart, it's the incessant greed Vs fair and just which causes it. I don't believe people should roll over to those that are being greedy, but also it is an awful thing to turn your family into ultimately a transaction.

My parents have stated from the outset that regardless how much they've helped out is kids over the years (me and my youngest sibling have never asked or been given financial help, however my older brother has always been there with the begging bowl)

If my dad goes first then it goes to my mum, who's actually my step mother but she's been with us since I was 7 so it's basically mum, but there is a concern that her son (eldest brother who likes to use the begging bowl) will end up with a larger share if not all of it, she's always given into his pressure when it involves financial assistance or other things he needs assistance with, and has always been that way, coincidentally they've only ever had falling outs when she's refused to help him. Me and my younger brother are both self made (not millionaires or anything but we're doing well enough) and and never asked for anything other than assistance to do a bit of DIY for which we reciprocate the favours, we both earn good money and have our own houses.

We have recently had a number of family members pass away, grand parents from various sides of the family's and some have had large fall outs due to inheritance (my wife's side of the family) and this sparked an open discussion about it.

Me and my little bro both stated that if a family member tried taking more than stated in parents will now, or tries to coherce parents into signing more over, then we wouldn't bother fighting it out, we'd let it go and ultimately wouldn't talk to that family member any longer once the parents have passed, as for them to do this means they don't care much for the family unit. Out of respect to our parents we said we would always get on and talk to one another regardless of what goes on at least for as long as they are alive.

I don't have the same feeling if my mum went first and dad had sole responsibility, as I know my dad would not break his will and will not have favouritism.

The OP does now need to step into a protective role for his mother so she doesn't do anything silly, like she offered the OP (selling the house and giving him money etc). In what the op's told us is does appear that his mum is quite vulnerable in this regard, what his mum doesn't need now is to sign over her savings to his sister at some point.
 
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platinum87 said:
Your mother should spend as much money as possible to enjoy her life as much as possible.

If this means you get zero inheritance, then so be it.
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That isn't really what this thread is about though.

Spending it on themselves is fine. Giving money and assets to one sibling and not the other is not.
 
It's amazing how people like the OPs sister can be so selfish and have no conscience or thought for their siblings.

I've recently moved nearer to my mum and she initially (when we were looking to move) floated the idea of putting our assets together to get a really big house with a nice section or annex she could live in, whilst my wife and I live in the house (she's getting old and liked the idea of us being on hand to help her etc)

However we both agreed that whilst it would be a nice idea, it would be inherently unfair on my sister and make inheritance very awkward. It would mean we would essentially benefit early from my mum's estate (by being able to live in a bigger and nicer house), and it would also mean we'd have to put it in writing that we would buy out my sister of her proportion of the house once my mum died.

So we canned the idea. I'm not even that close with my sister, but I still couldn't do that in good conscience. Sounds like the OPs sister would have been the kind of person to not give a **** and just do it.
 
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Well, time will tell how OP's sister reacts to the knowledge that @potatolord now knows what's going on.

The sister is clearly treating the high value item as her own possession. I reckon that when OP supports mum in trying to get it back for her, which he will, the sister will act very hard done by and become resentful towards him.

OP will then probably be accused of causing a rift in the family, even though he's doing the right thing by supporting mum, rather than taking from her.
 
sx_turbo said:
Shouldn't matter what part of the forum it's in, doesn't mean people have the right to be doughnuts for the sake of it.

I know it's an open forum and all, but bit of common courtesy doesn't hurt.

Anyhoo, this sort of thing tears family apart, it's the incessant greed Vs fair and just which causes it. I don't believe people should roll over to those that are being greedy, but also it is an awful thing to turn your family into ultimately a transaction.

My parents have stated from the outset that regardless how much they've helped out is kids over the years (me and my youngest sibling have never asked or been given financial help, however my older brother has always been there with the begging bowl)

If my dad goes first then it goes to my mum, who's actually my step mother but she's been with us since I was 7 so it's basically mum, but there is a concern that her son (eldest brother who likes to use the begging bowl) will end up with a larger share if not all of it, she's always given into his pressure when it involves financial assistance or other things he needs assistance with, and has always been that way, coincidentally they've only ever had falling outs when she's refused to help him. Me and my younger brother are both self made (not millionaires or anything but we're doing well enough) and and never asked for anything other than assistance to do a bit of DIY for which we reciprocate the favours, we both earn good money and have our own houses.

We have recently had a number of family members pass away, grand parents from various sides of the family's and some have had large fall outs due to inheritance (my wife's side of the family) and this sparked an open discussion about it.

Me and my little bro both stated that if a family member tried taking more than stated in parents will now, or tries to coherce parents into signing more over, then we wouldn't bother fighting it out, we'd let it go and ultimately wouldn't talk to that family member any longer once the parents have passed, as for them to do this means they don't care much for the family unit. Out of respect to our parents we said we would always get on and talk to one another regardless of what goes on at least for as long as they are alive.

I don't have the same feeling if my mum went first and dad had sole responsibility, as I know my dad would not break his will and will not have favouritism.

The OP does now need to step into a protective role for his mother so she doesn't do anything silly, like she offered the OP (selling the house and giving him money etc). In what the op's told us is does appear that his mum is quite vulnerable in this regard, what his mum doesn't need now is to sign over her savings to his sister at some point.
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I meant OCUK not GD
 
The fact the first reaction was that the OP thought he might never speak to his mother again over what she does with her own money tells me that he's not too dissimilar to his sister. Not "This doesn't sound like mum, I'd better see what's up!" or something like that, just immediate anger and thoughts about cutting her out of his life. It's sad that inheritance money is all that parents mean to some people.
 
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Em3bbs said:
The fact the first reaction was that the OP thought he might never speak to his mother again over what she does with her own money tells me that he's not too dissimilar to his sister. Not "This doesn't sound like mum, I'd better see what's up!" or something like that, just immediate anger and thoughts about cutting her out of his life. It's sad that inheritance money is all that parents mean to some people.
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Sometimes being angry can cloud your judgement, and some perspective is needed. Have you never been angry about something and then taken a dumb/unreasonable stance as a result?
 
Jono8 said:
It's amazing how people like the OPs sister can be so selfish and have no conscience or thought for their siblings.

I've recently moved nearer to my mum and she initially (when we were looking to move) floated the idea of putting our assets together to get a really big house with a nice section or annex she could live in, whilst my wife and I live in the house (she's getting old and liked the idea of us being on hand to help her etc)

However we both agreed that whilst it would be a nice idea, it would be inherently unfair on my sister and make inheritance very awkward. It would mean we would essentially benefit early from my mum's estate (by being able to live in a bigger and nicer house), and it would also mean we'd have to put it in writing that we would buy out my sister of her proportion of the house once my mum died.

So we canned the idea. I'm not even that close with my sister, but I still couldn't do that in good conscience. Sounds like the OPs sister would have been the kind of person to not give a **** and just do it.
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Mmmmm, i understands Mr Potatos issue with his sister, but i think your situation is a different.

Your mum wanted this to happen so you could be there to help her if needed - as you get older, falls, cooking, cleaning etc. Yes, there would be challenges in sorting the inheritance for an even split, but as long as you all talked this through together i am sure a mutual agreement could have been reached. Bottom line is your mum wanted some safety and security - so i would have no issues talking this one through.

Saying that, i would never have agreed to inlaws living with us - they are a pain in the ass at the best of times :)
 
Em3bbs said:
The fact the first reaction was that the OP thought he might never speak to his mother again over what she does with her own money tells me that he's not too dissimilar to his sister. Not "This doesn't sound like mum, I'd better see what's up!" or something like that, just immediate anger and thoughts about cutting her out of his life. It's sad that inheritance money is all that parents mean to some people.
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I could have worded my first post better/ differently, I guess. I'd just got the news and was pretty annoyed with the situation and dashed it off. I'm glad I thought more about the conversation than I did about that post.

My worry was mostly about the conversation, and how that could escalate in unpredictable ways. I was never planning to stop talking to my mum over this- she's the only one i have. What I didn't know was how she'd react and where that might go from there.

Overall, I'm glad I took the risk of raising it here- I got some helpful advice
 
Colonel_Klinck said:
Because this isn't the forum I would bring this kind of thread to, I'm not surprised at the reaction in the slightest.
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Hehehe, I was expecting a mixed response, to say the least.

However, I got enough helpful advice to make it worthwhile.

Most of the people I expected to be ...unhelpful were unhelpful in the expected way way (edit: not having ago at you here, by the way).
 
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413x said:
Having a family blown apart over inheritance I guess I'd say.

Think about if you want to lose your relationship with your mum over it or not. That's not to say you shouldn't. Just think about it. Because it could very well go that way.

Edit.

If you don't care.. You can say whatever you want.
But if you do, you'll probably need to enter into it very very carefully. Many people can feel attacked when presented with this type of accusation. Especially if you make it come across like this. Then it can all blow up.

Edit 2.

If it was me, and I was getting almost nothing (I don't know what your split is after this news) and a sibling was getting loads.. I'd probably say "fine.. But im not helping out with any old age care responsibilities".
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Edit 3: tell the mum you are ****** about the lies and not necessarily end your relationship with your mum and sister but just to say, see u only in Xmas and that's that.

Basically reduce the communication and get together to family gatherings only.

Leave them and get on with your life.

That's what I do. I would be upset that my sibling got a whole house but even more damaging upset about being lied about it.

Detach yourself to the mum and sister and when they come calling you for financial or health related help. Tell them to go do one
 
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