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Getting caught short

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by TimTom, Feb 22, 2019.

  1. RoboCod

    Capodecina

    Joined: Jun 19, 2004

    Posts: 16,825

    Location: On the Amiga500

    :D it was just a ludicrous situation. It was well over ten years ago and has clearly stuck with me lol.
     
  2. Rincewindle

    Gangster

    Joined: Sep 27, 2012

    Posts: 138

    Lot of funny stories on here.

    Although it reminded me of a couple of horrendous years i had a while back.

    I was working at Royal Mail as a delivery postman, i had just signed for a duty for the next 2 years { in the delivery office i worked at you signed up for a particular duty// early's .. Days night's deliverys etc }

    So a couple of months into the duty i started getting stomach cramps etc went to the doctor and was eventually diagnosed with IBS

    Being a delivery guy this was hell for me. i was in and out of the toilet 8 - 10 times before going out on delivery.

    I was in a town centre delivery so we had a branch office in the town centre where we stored out gear.

    It was a running joke amongst the other guys in the town centre team i was on.

    As i would often be seen by them trying to sprint down the main high street back to the branch office with my butt cheeks clenched. :D

    I always made it, one time splitting my trousers from back belt to zip in my rush to get them off one time.

    Eventually the post office got sick of me taking days off because of it and they gave me ill health retirement rather than sack me {only good thing i got to say about the union is they thought my case on this}

    Funny thing is since i left the post office the IBS has gotten better.
     
  3. TimTom

    Associate

    Joined: Mar 18, 2016

    Posts: 91

    I know IBS isn’t funny and I really do sympathise with you and anyone else who has suffered, but I couldn’t help laughing out loud at the thought of you ripping your trousers open in a desperate panic.

    Sorry!
     
  4. viathinair

    Wise Guy

    Joined: Nov 28, 2009

    Posts: 2,051

    Location: Englishman in the states.

    Jeremy Clarkson named his son "projectile" ? :confused:
     
  5. dirtychinchilla

    Sgarrista

    Joined: May 2, 2011

    Posts: 8,756

    Location: Woking, Surrey

    That literally makes no sense. If his name was projectile, there should have been a comma before and after his name.
     
  6. viathinair

    Wise Guy

    Joined: Nov 28, 2009

    Posts: 2,051

    Location: Englishman in the states.

    And the 'p' capitalised :p

    Edit: Living in the US for 10+ years has warped my mind, as I haven't heard "projectile vomit" used by anyone here. That, and sleep deprivation caused a major brain fart with that post. Soz.
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2019
  7. Parky

    Wise Guy

    Joined: Sep 14, 2009

    Posts: 1,219

    Location: Accrington, Lancashire

    I had to wander off into a wooded area when we were walking around Pripyat on our trip to Chernobyl, I'd been holding it in all morning on a bumpy bus and had to wait ages for an opportunity to go off on my own. It was a rather large sized log as I'd been clogged up for days, felt much lighter for it though! The only worry was that earlier in the week the guides had said to remain together as there was a nasty pack of wild dogs roaming around, don't think I would have looked too appetizing if they'd stumbled across me though :D

    I was also dying for a slash another day when we were exploring an old unfinished reactor building. I ended up going in the pitch black over the edge of a walkway into a deep void, it was rather satisfying :)
     
  8. CircleFaust

    Mobster

    Joined: Dec 1, 2003

    Posts: 3,276

    i always make sure to take a pee before the commute home these days
    if you don't you guaranteed there'll be a hold up and you'll be squirming
     
  9. Orionaut

    Soldato

    Joined: Aug 2, 2012

    Posts: 6,523


    Elsewhere in the news...

    Unexplained water leakage at the Chernobyl site triggers unexpected prompt critical nuclear reaction in leaked reactor fuel!
     
  10. Datamonkey

    Soldato

    Joined: Jan 21, 2003

    Posts: 6,639

    Location: Kempston - Bedfordshire


    You're the Phantom wee'er on my flight from Cardif to Bodrum!!!!!

    The flight went tech after that, as the liquid on the floor had to be identified!!
     
  11. Shikkaka

    Mobster

    Joined: Jun 10, 2003

    Posts: 2,668

    Location: Nottingham

    I number two'd in the middle of a bar once.

    This particular day I had already had a good couple of clear outs, but was also very very gassy.

    Confident in the fact there should be no more poop left in my body to remove, I was happily forcing the gas out to get the desired sound effects.

    Off out we go, we hit a few bars, drinks are flowing. I continue to sneakily squeeze any signs of fart out, tactically timed to us moving on or moving to another side of the bar.

    Anyhow, this next one was to end in disaster. I could tell by the sheer temperature that it was going to stink. However, what I could not tell, was that it was also going to be solid.

    The second it shot out my bottom, I knew I had a steaming atomic log in my pants and I needed to act sharpish.

    I moved as quickly as possible to the toilets, trying not to disturb the fireball that was engulfing my pants.

    I got to the men's but they were all in use, I waited patiently but could begin to smell it around me, and was pretty sure soon enough, people were going to realise it was me.

    To my relief, a cubicle door opened and I jumped in. The floor was absolutely covered in urine, but I had to get my boxers off, containing the log and ditch them in the small bin to the side of the loo.

    Now, I'm hoping someone with some knowledge of fire detectors can confirm if this next bit is even possible.

    I'd managed to get my bottom half undressed, without covering my jeans in **** but then, the bloody fire alarm went off....

    Now this thing in my pants stunk, and I mean it stunk. I am fully convinced it was my turd that had set this alarm off.

    Everyone was vacating the toilets to make an exit, I was still sat on the loo sorting myself out.

    Next thing, the doormen are knocking on the cubicle door, asking me to leave. I just had to tell them I can't, I'm in the middle of a ****.

    I finished sorting myself out, opened the cubicle door, and I will never forget the look on the doorman's face, the cubicle absolutely stunk, and it was my soiled pants and log in the bin that were at fault.

    I escaped the toilet area, rounded my friends up and we moved on.

    To this day, I still enjoy a good old forced fart, but am always extra wary of the potential outcome. There's no way I would get off as lightly as I did that day again.
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2019
  12. TimTom

    Associate

    Joined: Mar 18, 2016

    Posts: 91

    Brilliant!

    Did you confess to your mates?
     
  13. Orionaut

    Soldato

    Joined: Aug 2, 2012

    Posts: 6,523

  14. Admiral Huddy

    Don

    Joined: Feb 17, 2003

    Posts: 29,129

    Location: Chelmsford & Broadgate

    As I've got older, I'm regularly getting caught short. Last year, I was on a football coach to Wembely when I had to ask the coach driver to pull over about 45 minutes out but due to modern H&S he couldn't. I ended up running off spraying the car park everywhere as I got off.

    I'm expert at reef knots now.
     
  15. Shikkaka

    Mobster

    Joined: Jun 10, 2003

    Posts: 2,668

    Location: Nottingham

    Nope, I've only ever told the Mrs as she bizarrely asked if I've ever soiled myself :D
     
  16. Jokester

    Don

    Joined: Aug 7, 2003

    Posts: 38,536

    Location: Aberdeenshire

    You can set gas detectors off with farts, fire detectors though are a no.
     
  17. TimTom

    Associate

    Joined: Mar 18, 2016

    Posts: 91

    What's "modern H&S"?

    Surely a coach can pull over somewhere for a few minutes? I reckon you just had a vindictive driver!
     
  18. Orionaut

    Soldato

    Joined: Aug 2, 2012

    Posts: 6,523


    Also, I thought a lot of long distance coaches these days had loos on board.
     
  19. Thekwango

    Capodecina

    Joined: Feb 5, 2009

    Posts: 10,631

    Location: Northern Ireland

    Strange, brown, snake-like creature rumoured to be attacking people in Chernobyl. Some experts believe something has mutated due to exposure to radiation.
     
  20. Beasty

    Mobster

    Joined: Mar 6, 2009

    Posts: 2,516

    Location: Nottingham

    Used to go running in the Summer before work when training for half marathon, 5AMish. Almost inevitably on the final mile my bowels would begin plans to evacuate. Running at that time just seemed to get things moving. Was strange as I never would need to go before I got to work otherwise. I began calling it the 'Brown mile'.