Join the club, make me feel better?

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Redman said:
Pretend. After a while you'll realise you don't have to pretend any more. Call it acting if you like, just act how you wish you did and you'll re-wire that brain eventually ;)
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OK, that sounds good, just have to believe in it.

Listen, chaps, how do you do face-to-face conversation? I have several problems with it.

1. My mind goes blank the more I'd like to say something. Especially if I would like that person to like me. The more interested I am in a person, the more blank my mind gets. Obviously with a mind that wont play ball, making jokes is impossible. Makes me very dull to be with. Just say "yeah" a lot when this happens. And nod. And fail!

2. Can't make eye contact. I do try. After a second it feels wrong. Feels like their eyes are burning me. Have to look away. Safety in looking away. Danger in looking in their eyes. Danger is they might see me; see into me, you see? That's how it feels. Wrong.

3. Always worried about how I sound, and lose concentration on what I'm saying, and even worse, what the other person is saying! After I say something I replay it in my mind, analysing what I've just said, and ignoring them! Really bad that one. People see I'm not listening, and I miss opportunities to further the conversation. But not because I'm not interested, because my mind is replaying the things I've said!


You've been very good guys in listening to me babble on about everything.
 
Castiel said:
How on earth do you get to be 30 and never kissed a girl?

How do you get to 13 without kissing a girl for that matter......

:confused::confused:
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I have been socially unaware for a long time. Since primary school. I wish I knew why, or what the trigger event was.

People aren't born socially retarded, but it happened to me very very young, and I never beat it (arf).
 
flibbage0 said:
Have you seen the official post a pic of your GF thread, there are people on here that look worse than you that have fit gf's.
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LOL harsh! I think the GF thread's been deleted tho!

OP you gotta stop the negativity, it's a bit painful to watch you being so hard on yourself. You gotta make your life enjoyable and then everything's gonna fall into place :) You ought to make an effort to meet new people, not only girls but guys too.
 
Nitefly said:
The phrase 'don't crow over victories, don't dwell on defeats' applies here...
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Actually I am genuinely interested on how you can get to adulthood without kissing a girl.....ever.

Maybe it was different when I was growing up, but even the most geeky (and I wasn't exactly popular until I filled out in my late teens, early twenties) kid in the various schools I attended had a least one encounter before they left school.

I can kind of understand a situation where someone doesn't lose their virginity until later in life (although 30 seems to be pushing it) but not kissing a girl?....I am seriously perplexed tbh.
 
Liampope; said:
Aaarrrrggghhhh. POSITIVITY dude!!!! :)
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On topic, it sounds like the people you play with football are semi-mates. You could easily get to know them much better, you play football with them and have a fun time.

Now you just need to work a way into their social ring. Maybe invite them to your house some football night or something and have a couple of beers? I dunno, just try your best and quit with dem negative waves :D
 
FoxEye said:
Sorry, sorry, I do this sort of crap without thinking.

So, basically, I'm too negative. This is a learned behaviour reinforced through years of believing I'm a horrible person and thus acting like one.

Need to break out of this vicious circle somehow. How to act positive when you don't feel like it. Must learn this. How to talk to people when your mind is screaming at you that it's hopeless, everybody secretly hates you anyhow. Argh. Have to reverse a lifetime's mental stagnation and overcome self-destructive tendencies, somehow.

Will be a massive task.
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Sorry if I sound harsh. It's really understandable how you've become if you were bullied when you were young. It's also really easy for me/us to get frustrated by your attitude and 'command' you to be positive, but much harder for you to start to actually turn things around. But you're totally right you're in a vicious circle that you need to break! I'm sorry I can't give you any decent advice myself other than trying to help yourself if you can (as above - try to socialise with your footy mates or get fit - anything to get out of the rut), or actually get some councilling/medical type help. My sister was bullied at school and has had some really low times at some points in life, and been depressed, and getting medical help and some counciling (relate) really helped her. Dont see it as some kind of failing or desperate act to seek any sort of help - you live in the UK and pay your taxes so it's there for you! Good luck.
 
Castiel said:
Actually I am genuinely interested on how you can get to adulthood without kissing a girl.....ever.

Maybe it was different when I was growing up, but even the most geeky (and I wasn't exactly popular until I filled out in my late teens, early twenties) kid in the various schools I attended had a least one encounter before they left school.

I can kind of understand a situation where someone doesn't lose their virginity until later in life (although 30 seems to be pushing it) but not kissing a girl?....I am seriously perplexed tbh.
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Yeah, you can't deny that it's unusual, but this is supposed to be a morale raising thread :p

I think I was 15 and I was a fair chubster. That was my pupa stage. I have since emerged from my cocoon as a beautiful... moth.
 
FoxEye said:
I have been socially unaware for a long time. Since primary school. I wish I knew why, or what the trigger event was.

People aren't born socially retarded, but it happened to me very very young, and I never beat it (arf).
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There are socially inept girls as well, so why are you not putting yourself in situations where you are in contact with people?

What is socially unaware mean exactly?

Go outside, meet people, you will not be socially unaware for long. You must have friends outside of the internet, go out with them, do stuff, meet people, interact with people. Be yourself and if some don't like you, so what, their loss. There will be many more that do.

I am truely flabbergasted that at 30 you have never kissed a girl and I am not taking the micky, I feel for you, I really do, it must be pretty hard and I can understand why you must find it hard to interact with girls given that is all you seem to know.

Join a club (something girls will go to, not the brownies though!) and find people who share an interest, you will be surprised how easy it is to meet people and after the initial awkwardness I am sure you will realise that most people feel the exact same way as you do.

I did every time I asked a girl out, I pooed my pants every single time. I still did it though, because the rewards outweighed the momentary embarrassment of the "Sorry I'm not interested" even if the "Pick me up at 8" were far rarer.....

Remember it only takes one to say yes, so ask them all and the maths with do the rest.

Why love one, when you can love them all.....
 
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Nitefly said:
Yeah, you can't deny that it's unusual, but this is supposed to be a morale raising thread :p

I think I was 15 and I was a fair chubster. That was my pupa stage. I have since emerged from my cocoon as a beautiful... moth.
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I was a moth once.
 
FoxEye said:
OK, that sounds good, just have to believe in it.

Listen, chaps, how do you do face-to-face conversation? I have several problems with it.

1. My mind goes blank the more I'd like to say something. Especially if I would like that person to like me. The more interested I am in a person, the more blank my mind gets. Obviously with a mind that wont play ball, making jokes is impossible. Makes me very dull to be with. Just say "yeah" a lot when this happens. And nod. And fail!

2. Can't make eye contact. I do try. After a second it feels wrong. Feels like their eyes are burning me. Have to look away. Safety in looking away. Danger in looking in their eyes. Danger is they might see me; see into me, you see? That's how it feels. Wrong.

3. Always worried about how I sound, and lose concentration on what I'm saying, and even worse, what the other person is saying! After I say something I replay it in my mind, analysing what I've just said, and ignoring them! Really bad that one. People see I'm not listening, and I miss opportunities to further the conversation. But not because I'm not interested, because my mind is replaying the things I've said!


You've been very good guys in listening to me babble on about everything.
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Simply practice chap.

Practice your smile, practice holding someones gaze for an extra second, look across a bar and hold the eye contact for 5 seconds with a smile. Practice thinking of conversation topics - have a few fall-back standards, even if it's just commenting on the music or something, oh, and taking the mick out of people nearby is always a handy one.

Try and maintain focus on what you're being told, don't worry so much (easier said than done I know) because the world isn't going to end because of something you say or do. People in general love to feel they're being engaged, that what they say is interesting. They're just people like you, with their own feelings, insecurities & motivations :)

Do the POF thing and go on dates with everyone you can, it'll build confidence & exposure to face to face conversation. Don't get downhearted when they don't work out though, not everything is meant to.
 
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