**The Mental Health Thread**

[Psymonkee]

On the posts re: the nature of supporting relationships…

I think being able to hurt each other, disappoint each other and be annoyed with each and still have a willingness to keep it going is probably the single most important thing to the success of any relationship…? It can’t be great all the time and the willingness to cope with things when they are ‘down’ is a sign of strength, even if that doesn’t come across in any particular moment. Everybody tantrums, everybody gets upset…

If anything, my wife’s over-tolerance towards some of my worse behaviours have had the adverse effect of ‘justifying’ my ‘righteous moping’. So we encourage each other to call out bull when we see it… and allow each other to be mad / upset.

All within reason of course… you shouldn’t be emotional punchbags for each other. When that’s happening, it’s probably a case of trying to be more tolerant of ‘difficult emotions’ and processing them internally, rather than ‘lashing out’ and ‘seeking to control’ your partner.

Oof! I'm feeling that right now. Struggling with a LDR and some less than stellar qualities have cropped up now the honeymoon phase has lapsed and I'm struggling to deal. Very angry at them and really don't want to talk to them about it.

It's almost certainly related to both of our mental health states and it's probably gonna get ugly.

 

[Scottland]

Had a lengthy chat with the other half yesterday. Lots came up, it was very civil and we both generally agreed we felt a lot of the same things about how things have been. I spent a lot of time trying to explain how and why I’m trying to prioritise myself a bit more and build myself back up. Was feeling a little more positive last night afterwards, but today it seems like it’s fallen completely on deaf ears

I’m trying to find the line between being selfish and prioritising my own needs. I’m not sure even if there is a difference? I honestly just feel like doing what I want and to hell with the consequences, it’s not like I’m running off to join the circus - I just want to take myself away for a few days away on my own?

 

[Nitefly]

Oof! I'm feeling that right now. Struggling with a LDR and some less than stellar qualities have cropped up now the honeymoon phase has lapsed and I'm struggling to deal. Very angry at them and really don't want to talk to them about it.

It's almost certainly related to both of our mental health states and it's probably gonna get ugly.

Not that you asked but just an idea: you could try writing down what you would want to say to let off some steam, as if it was a 'pretend letter' that you wanted to send. I appreciate it sounds totally ridiculous and embarrassing, but it is quite therapeutic.

For some reason, I find that putting pen to ink and manifesting those feelings allows them to dissipate. Or, it can let some repressed feelings spontaneously come out. If you try it, that happens and your letter ends up a bit 'dramatic', don't worry - it just is what it is, a pretend letter. Getting it out is part of dealing with it. You can say: "... lol, what is this dribble I'm writing" and have a laugh at yourself, or say "huh, I do feel quite strongly about this at the moment - I'll acknowledge that for a little bit and then move onto another activity". Just approach it curiously and gently and then reflect on it peacefully (even if you're very angry in the letter).

Oh, here's a related top 'hack'. If you're on 'relaxing time' in the evening but find yourself worrying about tomorrow - simply spend 2 minutes writing down what you have to do on a piece of paper, then shove that piece of paper on your desk or somewhere that you'll look at it when you need to. Then your mind doesn't need to think about it any more - instant anxiety relief!

Had a lengthy chat with the other half yesterday. Lots came up, it was very civil and we both generally agreed we felt a lot of the same things about how things have been. I spent a lot of time trying to explain how and why I’m trying to prioritise myself a bit more and build myself back up. Was feeling a little more positive last night afterwards, but today it seems like it’s fallen completely on deaf ears

I’m trying to find the line between being selfish and prioritising my own needs. I’m not sure even if there is a difference? I honestly just feel like doing what I want and to hell with the consequences, it’s not like I’m running off to join the circus - I just want to take myself away for a few days away on my own?

It all depends on the specific circumstances, but it could (from your other half's perspective) feel quite dramatic and rejecting to need space like that if it's not commonplace, so he/she may be hurting.

For what it's worth, I recently realised that I'd really like some time away from my partner. I became distressed as I felt that this was sort of a 'failure' in my marriage. After contemplating it a bit further, I realised that two things were true: (i) I really enjoy the company of other people and acting up to some of my character traits that I don't get to express in my romantic relationship, which my life has been lacking, and (ii) I have anxiety in relationships generally that I look to escape and I'm looking for relief from the stress... both of which is not actually the fault of the relationship at all. It just is what it is. Since realising that, I've been more able to tune into the emotions I was pining for whilst in the company of my wife and it's been more playful (better) as a result.

Going back to what you said, some space sounds enjoyable for sure! In due course, not now, maybe think about whether you could bring (and connect with) some of those emotions you're looking for into your relationship and then take gentle steps to foster them.

 

[Unisol Magic]

Had a lengthy chat with the other half yesterday. Lots came up, it was very civil and we both generally agreed we felt a lot of the same things about how things have been. I spent a lot of time trying to explain how and why I’m trying to prioritise myself a bit more and build myself back up. Was feeling a little more positive last night afterwards, but today it seems like it’s fallen completely on deaf ears

I’m trying to find the line between being selfish and prioritising my own needs. I’m not sure even if there is a difference? I honestly just feel like doing what I want and to hell with the consequences, it’s not like I’m running off to join the circus - I just want to take myself away for a few days away on my own?

Well it's a good starting point that your partner acknowledged they feel the same/similar which is a great positive to build on. Whilst it's only natural to hope things have improved, unfortunately it will likely take a little more time for them to process it which I'm sure he/she will over the next day or two. The important thing is to just go about life as normal and appear positive and motivated about things other than the things you discussed. This will (in their eyes) make you look confident without appearing that it wasn't purely that chat that fixed everything. Additionally - be proud that you were the one to initiate the discussion, especially as it can be so daunting, and proves how strong you really are.

I was in a very similar position to you yesterday after the 'miscommunication' we had on Sunday. It was obviously on her mind all day yesterday and when I came home from work (after a while), she said "about yesterday - YOU need to tell me there and then if I said something that upset you and not let it fester", which is a fair point on the surface but proof that she didn't really get it so I replied as such "OK, but you're missing the point - I shouldn't have to tell you when you say something that may upset me, you should have seen the efforts I was making e.g. the gym etc so shouldn't have even entered your head to say what you said". She still didn't really get it so can 100% understand your frustration!

So, I'll stick to the advice I gave in my opening paragraph myself and not show any weakness that she can store in her memory bank to fire back at me when it suits.

And also remember - there must be millions of us with the same or similar issues, it's just the way society is now and getting through it can only make us stronger.

 

[MOOGLEYS]

Had a good chat with the Dr and a bit of an MOT. Everything checks out Physically including my eye mark which is nothing to worry about. I need my B12 levels checking as with a stoma these can drop low and can cause anxiety so having that done on Monday. Otherwise he told me to try a low dose of my Mirtazapine for a few weeks to see if it just gives me enough to push through along with some CBT exercises. As I took quite a while getting off the Escitalopram he thinks holding off restarting for now.

Feel a bit better knowing what I was worrying about is fine the Anxiety is still lingering and after Mirtazapihe last night I’m really tired today.

Need to give it a bit of time and see how things progress.

 

[Unisol Magic]

Had a good chat with the Dr and a bit of an MOT. Everything checks out Physically including my eye mark which is nothing to worry about. I need my B12 levels checking as with a stoma these can drop low and can cause anxiety so having that done on Monday. Otherwise he told me to try a low dose of my Mirtazapine for a few weeks to see if it just gives me enough to push through along with some CBT exercises. As I took quite a while getting off the Escitalopram he thinks holding off restarting for now.

Feel a bit better knowing what I was worrying about is fine the Anxiety is still lingering and after Mirtazapihe last night I’m really tired today.

Need to give it a bit of time and see how things progress.

Well done and good luck

 

[Psymonkee]

Not that you asked but just an idea: you could try writing down what you would want to say to let off some steam, as if it was a 'pretend letter' that you wanted to send. I appreciate it sounds totally ridiculous and embarrassing, but it is quite therapeutic.

I'll give that a shot. Been avoiding talking simply because I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing whilst angry.

 

[Scottland]

It all depends on the specific circumstances, but it could (from your other half's perspective) feel quite dramatic and rejecting to need space like that if it's not commonplace, so he/she may be hurting.

For what it's worth, I recently realised that I'd really like some time away from my partner. I became distressed as I felt that this was sort of a 'failure' in my marriage. After contemplating it a bit further, I realised that two things were true: (i) I really enjoy the company of other people and acting up to some of my character traits that I don't get to express in my romantic relationship, which my life has been lacking, and (ii) I have anxiety in relationships generally that I look to escape and I'm looking for relief from the stress... both of which is not actually the fault of the relationship at all. It just is what it is. Since realising that, I've been more able to tune into the emotions I was pining for whilst in the company of my wife and it's been more playful (better) as a result.

Going back to what you said, some space sounds enjoyable for sure! In due course, not now, maybe think about whether you could bring (and connect with) some of those emotions you're looking for into your relationship and then take gentle steps to foster them.

Thanks, different perspectives always help reframe things.

Well it's a good starting point that your partner acknowledged they feel the same/similar which is a great positive to build on. Whilst it's only natural to hope things have improved, unfortunately it will likely take a little more time for them to process it which I'm sure he/she will over the next day or two. The important thing is to just go about life as normal and appear positive and motivated about things other than the things you discussed. This will (in their eyes) make you look confident without appearing that it wasn't purely that chat that fixed everything. Additionally - be proud that you were the one to initiate the discussion, especially as it can be so daunting, and proves how strong you really are.

I was in a very similar position to you yesterday after the 'miscommunication' we had on Sunday. It was obviously on her mind all day yesterday and when I came home from work (after a while), she said "about yesterday - YOU need to tell me there and then if I said something that upset you and not let it fester", which is a fair point on the surface but proof that she didn't really get it so I replied as such "OK, but you're missing the point - I shouldn't have to tell you when you say something that may upset me, you should have seen the efforts I was making e.g. the gym etc so shouldn't have even entered your head to say what you said". She still didn't really get it so can 100% understand your frustration!

So, I'll stick to the advice I gave in my opening paragraph myself and not show any weakness that she can store in her memory bank to fire back at me when it suits.

And also remember - there must be millions of us with the same or similar issues, it's just the way society is now and getting through it can only make us stronger.

Yeah, I feel a bit better for getting some of it out there although I did hold back a bit as I didn’t want to overwhelm her with everything that’s being going on in my head.

I had a bit of time on my own driving to a meeting yesterday, so spent a few hours alone with my thoughts and I think I’ve got a better picture in my mind of where I’m at, this is how I see things:

I had a period of 4-5 years of letting things build up and getting under my skin. The trigger was possibly my dad passing away, but it doesn't really matter to a point...

I hit my lowest point about 18months ago ish, where I had a breakdown/burnout of sorts and ended up taking time off work. But it wasn't until a couple of things late last year/early this year that I was able to start 'healing' properly.
Sub-consciously it's a bit like I'd built this lego model of my life that fell apart (or I tore down) and am now trying to find the best way to rebuild it. Some of the pieces I had before I've found better ways of putting them together, some I've discarded as I don't think they added value etc. I want to build it better and stronger this time around, so I get that some the foundations have to be based around me and my wants. But I'm still left with quite a few pieces missing, and some pieces left over that I'm not sure what to do with as they don't seem to quite fit, or feel like they belong.

To give a couple of examples; work is something I don't really get much fulfilment out of, but it's a necessary evil so it needs to fit somewhere it doesn't interfere with everything else, and not so integral that I can't swap it out for a better version later on. My relationship however I'm not sure. I've been trying to find a place for it, or to reshape it somehow in a better way, but whichever way it just doesn't feel right at the moment. I think part of this is that I feel so bruised by a number of years of less good stuff, I feel like I'm pushing it away because it's tainted. It's a bit like if you've ever been served a piece of food that made you ill, even if it was a one off you're sometimes put off trying it again.


The above feels like its fits what I'm doing and feeling quite well, it's quite cathartic getting it down on paper too.

 

[Unisol Magic]

Yeah, I feel a bit better for getting some of it out there although I did hold back a bit as I didn’t want to overwhelm her with everything that’s being going on in my head.

I had a bit of time on my own driving to a meeting yesterday, so spent a few hours alone with my thoughts and I think I’ve got a better picture in my mind of where I’m at, this is how I see things:

I had a period of 4-5 years of letting things build up and getting under my skin. The trigger was possibly my dad passing away, but it doesn't really matter to a point...

I hit my lowest point about 18months ago ish, where I had a breakdown/burnout of sorts and ended up taking time off work. But it wasn't until a couple of things late last year/early this year that I was able to start 'healing' properly.
Sub-consciously it's a bit like I'd built this lego model of my life that fell apart (or I tore down) and am now trying to find the best way to rebuild it. Some of the pieces I had before I've found better ways of putting them together, some I've discarded as I don't think they added value etc. I want to build it better and stronger this time around, so I get that some the foundations have to be based around me and my wants. But I'm still left with quite a few pieces missing, and some pieces left over that I'm not sure what to do with as they don't seem to quite fit, or feel like they belong.

To give a couple of examples; work is something I don't really get much fulfilment out of, but it's a necessary evil so it needs to fit somewhere it doesn't interfere with everything else, and not so integral that I can't swap it out for a better version later on. My relationship however I'm not sure. I've been trying to find a place for it, or to reshape it somehow in a better way, but whichever way it just doesn't feel right at the moment. I think part of this is that I feel so bruised by a number of years of less good stuff, I feel like I'm pushing it away because it's tainted. It's a bit like if you've ever been served a piece of food that made you ill, even if it was a one off you're sometimes put off trying it again.


The above feels like its fits what I'm doing and feeling quite well, it's quite cathartic getting it down on paper too.

Sounds like your making some great headway thinking about everything in a rational and cathartic fashion. I love the lego 'technique' too, I might give that a try myself!

I also lost parents in recent years which, whilst I'm certainly old enough to not rely on them, I knew they were there to at least talk too, offload and provide reassurance.

I too, don't particularly enjoy my career (my own business) which I fell into from our early years working and building up the family business but it's a means to an end. It's probably too late into my life to change this so have to make the most out of it, despite it not helping my state of mind.

Relationships are complicated and whilst most of the time it's easy to brush things under the carpet for the sake of an easy life but every so often you know some things are making you unhappy, resentful etc etc but as long as you communicate you can drip feed each other what's causing the unhappiness and build up from there. If it eventually proves unsuccessful, at least you'll have the satisfaction you cared enough about it and tried. Our situation is quite similar in that respect, maybe without so much of the less good stuff but maybe it's me who's expecting a little too much?

 

[Scottland]

Sounds like your making some great headway thinking about everything in a rational and cathartic fashion. I love the lego 'technique' too, I might give that a try myself!

I also lost parents in recent years which, whilst I'm certainly old enough to not rely on them, I knew they were there to at least talk too, offload and provide reassurance.

I too, don't particularly enjoy my career (my own business) which I fell into from our early years working and building up the family business but it's a means to an end. It's probably too late into my life to change this so have to make the most out of it, despite it not helping my state of mind.

Relationships are complicated and whilst most of the time it's easy to brush things under the carpet for the sake of an easy life but every so often you know some things are making you unhappy, resentful etc etc but as long as you communicate you can drip feed each other what's causing the unhappiness and build up from there. If it eventually proves unsuccessful, at least you'll have the satisfaction you cared enough about it and tried. Our situation is quite similar in that respect, maybe without so much of the less good stuff but maybe it's me who's expecting a little too much?

I've always found it easier to understand things in general when I've got a better idea what's going on underneath. And whilst I've been doing some of this sub-consciously - it helps to have an image in my mind of what's going on. I know it's a bit of a cliché but the idea of having a 'strong foundation' does apply here. I feel like I've bumbled along all my life being a people pleaser and going along with whatever is easiest and not focusing on what I want.

The problem is, no I know this. I'm now looking at everything though this lens. e.g. Did I do that because I wanted to, or because I was going along with whatever is easiest? So I'm trying to navigate this at the moment, I've got a session with my therapist later this week which will hopefully help. But I need to figure out what actually makes me happier, what I need and want vs what other people want from me. This is where the 'prioritising myself' bit comes in, if I were do just do what I wanted as if I had no responsibilities (or if I were single) - that's what I want right? But compromise has got to come in. If what I want to do has an effect on someone else - where's the line between being selfish vs prioritising myself? Hope that makes sense

 

[Unisol Magic]

The problem is, no I know this. I'm now looking at everything though this lens. e.g. Did I do that because I wanted to, or because I was going along with whatever is easiest? So I'm trying to navigate this at the moment, I've got a session with my therapist later this week which will hopefully help. But I need to figure out what actually makes me happier, what I need and want vs what other people want from me. This is where the 'prioritising myself' bit comes in, if I were do just do what I wanted as if I had no responsibilities (or if I were single) - that's what I want right? But compromise has got to come in. If what I want to do has an effect on someone else - where's the line between being selfish vs prioritising myself? Hope that makes sense

Perfectly yes.

We only get one chance at life, so it's important to make the most of it and hopefully have little or no regrets

 

[Nitefly]

@Scottland re: ‘life long happiness’, I’d be gentle with these thoughts and feelings, as everything.

The very best feeling things to tend to be temporary in duration and satiating - it’s the pursuit of reliving those experiences that’s then addictive. It’s quite possible that I (and most people) could sit around eating pizza/chocolate and watching porn all day and have my most of emotional needs met by staying in that ‘zone of perpetual consumption’. But it would be a nightmare as soon as the pizza and the porn stops.

Less obviously, it’s not (I understand) typical for raw excitement to be sustained in a long term relationship. All new sexual relationships are exciting but then that raw excitement fades and a companionship becomes more established. To maintain the ‘Eros’ you both have to work at it (exercise and ‘put effort’ into affectionate gestures) - easier said than done! Plus, everyone will become a crinkler eventually.

All paths will have some irritating negative, there’s no way of knowing which path is the least annoying so there’s no point agonising over it. You literally can’t have everything. So we have to choose the path and make the most of it.

Constantly overthinking your options means you get the very worst out of every scenario you could choose - you hinder your ability to be satisfied by anything (“oh if only x and y…”).

It’s worth sense checking your path every now and then, but don’t forget to try and enjoy the life you have so far chosen for yourself - you could destroy a great opportunity by constantly monitoring how happy you are on a day to day basis.

My most recent approach is to just keep moving forward, whatever that means. If my life circumstances dramatically change, so be it, but until then I’m going to put effort into and enjoy what I do have. Funnily enough, the more I do this, the more I enjoy myself and wonder why I was so bothered in the first place.

So yeah - gently gently gently with all big, dramatic and exciting thoughts

 

[ic1male]

My anxiety is out of control at the moment. I’ve lost my safe space in the past day because I had to move house from being on my own to sharing with two others. Now I feel on edge 24/7, hardly able to relax. I had a panic attack at 3am which I managed to reign in with some controlled breathing. Reckon I will have to ask the docs for tranquillisers or something as I can’t continue like this. The Sertraline hasn’t had any effect yet (3.5 weeks).

 

[Scottland]

@Scottland re: ‘life long happiness’, I’d be gentle with these thoughts and feelings, as everything.

The very best feeling things to tend to be temporary in duration and satiating - it’s the pursuit of reliving those experiences that’s then addictive. It’s quite possible that I (and most people) could sit around eating pizza/chocolate and watching porn all day and have my most of emotional needs met by staying in that ‘zone of perpetual consumption’. But it would be a nightmare as soon as the pizza and the porn stops.

Less obviously, it’s not (I understand) typical for raw excitement to be sustained in a long term relationship. All new sexual relationships are exciting but then that raw excitement fades and a companionship becomes more established. To maintain the ‘Eros’ you both have to work at it (exercise and ‘put effort’ into affectionate gestures) - easier said than done! Plus, everyone will become a crinkler eventually.

All paths will have some irritating negative, there’s no way of knowing which path is the least annoying so there’s no point agonising over it. You literally can’t have everything. So we have to choose the path and make the most of it.

Constantly overthinking your options means you get the very worst out of every scenario you could choose - you hinder your ability to be satisfied by anything (“oh if only x and y…”).

It’s worth sense checking your path every now and then, but don’t forget to try and enjoy the life you have so far chosen for yourself - you could destroy a great opportunity by constantly monitoring how happy you are on a day to day basis.

My most recent approach is to just keep moving forward, whatever that means. If my life circumstances dramatically change, so be it, but until then I’m going to put effort into and enjoy what I do have. Funnily enough, the more I do this, the more I enjoy myself and wonder why I was so bothered in the first place.

So yeah - gently gently gently with all big, dramatic and exciting thoughts

Yep, I see where you’re coming from but some of this has been eating away at me since before Covid so it’s not a new thing I’ve just been ignoring it. I’m trying not to look back and overanalyse and you’re right re keeping moving forward, I’m just trying to ride the rapids and hope I come out in a better place…

 

[MOOGLEYS]

After a couple of almost decent days I’m having a bad one today. Lots of weird thoughts and easily irritable and A nice stress headache to add to the fun. I know you need to expect good days and bad but when things seem to be doing ok it makes the bad days hit that much harder.

I had to stop my 1/4 tab of Mirtazapine at night as I was getting restless arms when trying to fall asleep and was then tired most of the day. I’m going to try again at the weekend when I don’t need to be up and at it so early.

Hope Everyone else is doing as good as can be on this mental health rollercoaster we have to ride…..

 

[moon man]

After a couple of almost decent days I’m having a bad one today. Lots of weird thoughts and easily irritable and A nice stress headache to add to the fun. I know you need to expect good days and bad but when things seem to be doing ok it makes the bad days hit that much harder.

I had to stop my 1/4 tab of Mirtazapine at night as I was getting restless arms when trying to fall asleep and was then tired most of the day. I’m going to try again at the weekend when I don’t need to be up and at it so early.

Hope Everyone else is doing as good as can be on this mental health rollercoaster we have to ride…..

I've being left on 45 mg of metazapine, tbh can't feel any side effects, not sure how much it helps mood wise but it destroys anxiety for me, not sure I even need it now but I would say it calms like half a bottle of wine without being drunk, on the beach doing some mindfulness in-between the internet !

 

[tres]

After a couple of almost decent days I’m having a bad one today. Lots of weird thoughts and easily irritable and A nice stress headache to add to the fun. I know you need to expect good days and bad but when things seem to be doing ok it makes the bad days hit that much harder.

I had to stop my 1/4 tab of Mirtazapine at night as I was getting restless arms when trying to fall asleep and was then tired most of the day. I’m going to try again at the weekend when I don’t need to be up and at it so early.

Hope Everyone else is doing as good as can be on this mental health rollercoaster we have to ride…..

The smaller the dose of mirtazapine, the most soporific (sleep inducing) it is, 7.5mg being the soporific dose (half a tablet)

 

[ic1male]

I’m going to ask the docs for a benzodiazepine tomorrow. I know they hate prescribing them as they can be addictive so I wonder what the outcome will be….

 

[LuckyBenski]

The smaller the dose of mirtazapine, the most soporific (sleep inducing) it is, 7.5mg being the soporific dose (half a tablet)

I found this, paradoxical effect - more medication means less sleepy side effects. I found upping the dose and having it with a full glass of water minimised the passing out.

 

[MOOGLEYS]

I’m going to ask the docs for a benzodiazepine tomorrow. I know they hate prescribing them as they can be addictive so I wonder what the outcome will be….

I have a box in the cupboard for emergency use. I used one a while back and it did the job.