**The Mental Health Thread**

[Haggisman]

I feel like I'm in the brainfog camp lately. Dunno if it's long-covid, or just the lack of interaction now I'm fully working from home, or just getting bored with my work.

I don't think it's lack of interaction - I sit in a Discord chat with the rest of my team and we discuss stuff quite often; to be honest even in the office I would sit with noise cancelling headphones on most of the time, so it hasn't made much difference in that respect.

Sounds like you're a coder? I am to.
Since we shifted to working from home, the amount of meetings has gone through the roof which really kills trying to get in the zone.

Yeah, that definitely doesn't help, daily catch-ups where 90% of it is people talking about stuff which is irrelevant.

Also I feel your pain with slow systems. I seem to spend an inordinate amount of time fixing out build systems because we have no dedicated engineers for that.

Haha, sounds like you work for the same company as me! The problem I'm having at the moment, is I'll be in the zone working on something, and then I'll have to sit and wait for 2-3 minutes while the system decides whether it wants to cooperate. By the time I'm actually able to get back to what I was doing, my train of thought is completely gone and I have to try and remember what I was trying to do, so those 2-3 minutes waiting turns into 10 minutes time wasted. When that's happening several times an hour it really kills your productivity!

It doesn't help that our IT department is extremely adversarial, e.g. we've had the same laptops for 5+ years now, and quite a few people have raised the fact they're starting to show their age, but the response is essentially, if they still work then they still work. We're given multiple hoops to jump through to even access some of the systems, which isn't ideal when you have a customer jumping up and down about a critical bug that needs fixed yesterday, and you need to wait 2 hours before you can even start work on it. I get that security is a large part of their responsibility, but they seem to have forgotten that ultimately they are there to support the business, rather than the other way round.

 

[Nutty667]

I don't think it's lack of interaction - I sit in a Discord chat with the rest of my team and we discuss stuff quite often; to be honest even in the office I would sit with noise cancelling headphones on most of the time, so it hasn't made much difference in that respect.

Well half my team is in Poland who I've never met, and the people on the C++ side as me aren't that talkative.
I always considered myself not that talkative, (typical coder) but I find myself bending the ear of tradesmen for ages these days cos I get soo little interaction during the day. But on the other side I like the freedom working from home gives me. It's great in summer when I can sit outside in the sun, but a bit naff in winter.

Yeah, that definitely doesn't help, daily catch-ups where 90% of it is people talking about stuff which is irrelevant.

Yeah I find daily standups a bit pointless. Maybe Monday, Wednesday and Friday only would be better. It's the meetings at 11 or 2pm I find that kill my flow.

Haha, sounds like you work for the same company as me! The problem I'm having at the moment, is I'll be in the zone working on something, and then I'll have to sit and wait for 2-3 minutes while the system decides whether it wants to cooperate. By the time I'm actually able to get back to what I was doing, my train of thought is completely gone and I have to try and remember what I was trying to do, so those 2-3 minutes waiting turns into 10 minutes time wasted. When that's happening several times an hour it really kills your productivity!

Yeah all similar issues for different reasons. Loads of people were let go, and others left of their own accord taking lots of knowledge with them. We have 40core rack machines as build servers that are 10 years old, and IT want to give us a 4core VM to replace it!

I've started to wonder whether I have ADHD, easily distracted like you when things are slow. I try and pick something easy to do, fix some compiler warnings/delete some unused files in repo, just to get started as I find once you start you keep going. It's the stop/start nature that meetings/slow systems cause that are productivity killers. And also because I'm at home, it means I get asked questions by kid/wife instead of leaving me be to get on. Things that they wouldn't phone you up at work to ask, but because you're at home it's fair game to interrupt you.

I know I need to do more exercise and get out the house more, I find that helps. Going for a walk right now

 

[Nitefly]

Some time back we had a chat in here about the impacts of ‘positive’ and ‘negative’ music on your outlook.

I stumbled across an example of this recently, so thought I’d share (cc. @Bassmansam).

Mega party man, Andrew W.K., has an album called ‘You’re Not Alone’ - you can find a YouTube playlist of it here.

It’s absolutely ridiculous - laugh out loud silly with the ‘party party party all the time!’ rhetoric fed by its soaring vocals and pumping guitars.

… well, that’s what I though at first, but by the time I listened through to the end, I felt pensive but also empowered and uplifted!

Well worth a listen through the whole thing - just prepare to laugh along with it and I’m sure you’ll end up having a good time

 

[Beans on toast Dave]

I'm really wanting to totally give up. I've never really had much ambition and what I did have has virtually disappeared. To be honest I'm looking for reasons to keep going. Been to the doctors a couple of months ago put on Ad. Which just made things worse. I know it's upto me to keep going but I've had enough
It really needs to be better

 

[Ayahuasca]

I'm really wanting to totally give up. I've never really had much ambition and what I did have has virtually disappeared. To be honest I'm looking for reasons to keep going. Been to the doctors a couple of months ago put on Ad. Which just made things worse. I know it's upto me to keep going but I've had enough
It really needs to be better

Probably best to take this over to the mental health thread Dave, but nothing changes if nothing changes.

Go back to the GP and explain the AD didn't work. If you think there's potentially another mental health problem that's causing your depression then push for an assessment. ADs won't do much for example if it's ADHD or something like autism that's at the root of it (Not saying you have either).

 

[Vidar]

I'm really wanting to totally give up. I've never really had much ambition and what I did have has virtually disappeared. To be honest I'm looking for reasons to keep going. Been to the doctors a couple of months ago put on Ad. Which just made things worse. I know it's upto me to keep going but I've had enough
It really needs to be better

I've no idea what your personal circumstances are but I can relate to the feeling. Trust me, I've been there, and no matter how bleak things may be right now I promise you things can and will get better. If you like to read, I suggest reading 12 rules for life. It really helped me.

 

[Jono8]

I suggest reading 12 rules for life

Hard to take advice from an author who is clearly mentally deranged and deeply troubled himself.

He is quite obviously not a well man and does not have a strong grasp on reality either.

 

[burtie]

Hard to take advice from an author who is clearly mentally deranged and deeply troubled himself.

He is quite obviously not a well man and does not have a strong grasp on reality either.

Yeah, also from a guy who had to take anxiety drugs! 12 rules not working then.

 

[Ayahuasca]

Yeah, also from a guy who had to take anxiety drugs! 12 rules not working then.

I mean, the book isn't written as a cure for anxiety or to prevent anyone from ever suffering from it.

It even covers how medication can work and I'm sure he prescribed it to many a patient in his time as a psychologist.

You may not like Peterson's political views, and I'd agree that he's gone off the rails recently, but his book has genuinely changed peoples lives. It wouldn't be my first suggestion for Beans on toast Dave though.

 

[Jono8]

I mean, the book isn't written as a cure for anxiety or to prevent anyone from ever suffering from it.

It even covers how medication can work and I'm sure he prescribed it to many a patient in his time as a psychologist.

You may not like Peterson's political views, and I'd agree that he's gone off the rails recently, but his book has genuinely changed peoples lives. It wouldn't be my first suggestion for Beans on toast Dave though.

Yes, i didn't mean by my post that the book would be completely invalidated. I would just be very wary of taking advice from someone who is still clearly struggling/getting worse themselves.

I'm sure there are some valid points in there but unless he doesn't practice what he preaches, the advice clearly isn't helping him that much.

 

[bloodiedathame]

A little update from me:

Christmas was hard work, I tried hard to make it the best it could be, but I didn't feel like it was reciprocated at all and was quite upset by the end of it.

I did that classic thing of internalising it all and stewing on it, but I didn't want to bring it up over Xmas and add to the problems. We had some time apart was had after Christmas, and the kids came and stayed at my flat for a few nights to keep me company, which was great. When we did speak about it, she had been finding the weight of Christmas tricky to deal with this year too, mainly around the kids and their expectations. One sore point for me was seeing other couples over Christmas all loved up, which we just aren't anymore. She seems to think this makes me 'needy' but I don't see it as that.

Back to the routine of life now, and the loneliness is quite something. I've never really spent much time alone, getting used to silence and my thoughts is deafening!

The main sticking points currently are:
a) My project van (she hates it, and I've invested too much in it to scrap it)
b) The dog (she regrets the fact we got her, but I've found her invaluable as someone who works from home)

Currently in the process of moving the van to my flat and working on some new training with the dog to make her a bit less of a whirlwind.

 

[Nitefly]

Hard to take advice from an author who is clearly mentally deranged and deeply troubled himself.

He is quite obviously not a well man and does not have a strong grasp on reality either.

I think it’s a fairly good book, personally. You can actually gain a from just looking at the list of rules:

1. "Stand up straight with your shoulders back."
2. "Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping."
3. "Make friends with people who want the best for you."
4. "Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today."
5. "Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them."
6. "Set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world."
7. "Pursue what is meaningful (not what is expedient)."
8. "Tell the truth – or, at least, don't lie."
9. "Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don't."
10. “Be precise In Your Speech.”
11. "Do not bother children while they are skateboarding."
12. "Pet a cat when you encounter one in the street."

Quite a lot to think about from just that.

As we all learned from Avatar: The Last Airbender ( ), it’s important to take and consider wisdom from a wide variety of sources

 

[Vidar]

My point is, as someone who is diagnosed with treatment resistant clinical depression and suffers with ptsd. I've been in that dark place where thoughts of self deletion and genuinely believing the world would be better off more than a few times. I know the truly hopeless despair and that book among others truly helped me out.

Sadly, medication doesn't work for everyone. It took several years and different types of antidepressants to find one that had any real effect amd even then it was in such a high dose I couldn't feel anything.

As I said I don't know @Beans on toast Dave or his circumstances. But if it helps, without going into details I was sexually abused by my slighty older female cousin when I was around 6 or 7 and then forced to live with her when my mother adopted her and was forced to treat her as.my sister. I was being bullied mercilessly at school as a result and then got bullied at home by my my own mother who favoured my cousin over me. Then when my Dad died when I was 20 the cousin decided to falsely accuse him of abusing her. Which almost destroyed the family. Which all contributed to my getting sucked into a toxic relationship with my ex who physically and emotionally abused me. When I finally got free and started building a happier life I got crippled for life at work.

So yeah I've had serious plans for checking out more than once. I've had and needed a lot of help along the way. But, I'm still here and still consider myself far better off than I was before. Part of that is keeping to a routine and looking for little wins each day. When you're super depressed and manage to get out of bed before lunch time, that's a win. Manage to wash today, there's another. Done your teeth? That's another. Making yourself do the things that may seem impossible to you through lack of motivation really does help as does consistency.

 

[bloodiedathame]

My point is, as someone who is diagnosed with treatment resistant clinical depression and suffers with ptsd. I've been in that dark place where thoughts of self deletion and genuinely believing the world would be better off more than a few times. I know the truly hopeless despair and that book among others truly helped me out.

Sadly, medication doesn't work for everyone. It took several years and different types of antidepressants to find one that had any real effect amd even then it was in such a high dose I couldn't feel anything.

As I said I don't know @Beans on toast Dave or his circumstances. But if it helps, without going into details I was sexually abused by my slighty older female cousin when I was around 6 or 7 and then forced to live with her when my mother adopted her and was forced to treat her as.my sister. I was being bullied mercilessly at school as a result and then got bullied at home by my my own mother who favoured my cousin over me. Then when my Dad died when I was 20 the cousin decided to falsely accuse him of abusing her. Which almost destroyed the family. Which all contributed to my getting sucked into a toxic relationship with my ex who physically and emotionally abused me. When I finally got free and started building a happier life I got crippled for life at work.

So yeah I've had serious plans for checking out more than once. I've had and needed a lot of help along the way. But, I'm still here and still consider myself far better off than I was before. Part of that is keeping to a routine and looking for little wins each day. When you're super depressed and manage to get out of bed before lunch time, that's a win. Manage to wash today, there's another. Done your teeth? That's another. Making yourself do the things that may seem impossible to you through lack of motivation really does help as does consistency.

Sorry to hear all this Vidar. I'm assuming you've had a PTSD diagnosis? My wife is having EMDR therapy for something similar.

 

[Vidar]

Sorry to hear all this Vidar. I'm assuming you've had a PTSD diagnosis? My wife is having EMDR therapy for something similar.

Thanks pal, yes I've had the diagnosis. I was very lucky to get a really good therapist and while I still have issues with it I did manage to go back to where the attack happened once. I hated it but I did it.

I'm sorry your wife is going through something similar.

 

[Jono8]

I think it’s a fairly good book, personally. You can actually gain a from just looking at the list of rules:



Quite a lot to think about from just that.

As we all learned from Avatar: The Last Airbender ( ), it’s important to take and consider wisdom from a wide variety of sources

It is still difficult to take advice from someone who is clearly very broken themselves (ie he clearly hasn't fixed himself)

 

[timmothy]

Made a mistake posting

 

[Guest2]

A week ago my relationship of 5 years was going downhill fast.
A week on, it's like were in the first few weeks of dating.
It's been a very emotional week and mentally draining - I didnt sleep one night at all and other nights only for an hour or so. My food intake rapidly declined and ended up losing 3kg in 1 week.
I spoke to a friend and councillor through a work support number which was very difficult but just speaking helped.

The whole reason for the issues was poor communication, mainly me not wanting to discuss sensitive things which have really affected my girlfriend for over a year.
Since talking we're much closer. I guess my advice (from a newbie) would be to try and speak to someone impartially, even just talking I felt much better and reaslised what I had to do to progress.

 

[413x]

A week ago my relationship of 5 years was going downhill fast.
A week on, it's like were in the first few weeks of dating.
It's been a very emotional week and mentally draining - I didnt sleep one night at all and other nights only for an hour or so. My food intake rapidly declined and ended up losing 3kg in 1 week.
I spoke to a friend and councillor through a work support number which was very difficult but just speaking helped.

The whole reason for the issues was poor communication, mainly me not wanting to discuss sensitive things which have really affected my girlfriend for over a year.
Since talking we're much closer. I guess my advice (from a newbie) would be to try and speak to someone impartially, even just talking I felt much better and reaslised what I had to do to progress.

Its something me and gf have worked on as we both weren't happy. But not totally unhappy. Just some aspects that were grating.

We are trying a "bring it up early" approach. As before.. What would happen is both of us wouldn't talk about issues until an argument got triggered. Then it would all blow up and all come out. Using things of the past in that argument.

Communication seems to come up as a number 1 issue. Too many times it seems like couples just don't talk about needs, wants, and issues. Then they brew and brew.

Then one partner mentally checks out.


Always hope if you both want to stay together but there are issues.


Hope you can keep it up... We are at the stage of trying to keep it up long term. (the talking)

 

[Nitefly]

It is still difficult to take advice from someone who is clearly very broken themselves (ie he clearly hasn't fixed himself)

I agree to an extent, but I’d be wary of taking advice or wisdom from anyone who deliberately presented themselves as being ‘fixed’… or by someone who has never actually dealt with or experienced their own need for growth.

I don’t think his decline into addiction and other unfortunate behaviour undermines the entirety of wisdom previously given. It’s something to keep in mind, sure.

Ultimately, the rules given by him are a suggested framework for self-reflection, nothing more. I don’t think anyone actually intends to apply them as rules… that’s just not human

The super valuable lesson from the book is ‘treat yourself as someone you are responsible for looking after’, which is a sensational piece of wisdom that is universally applicable. The best ‘lessons’ are always the most obvious ones

There is also a section in the last chapter (I think) about the need to confine time periods for contemplating tragedy or else it can infect all thought processes and dominate your entire life. I found value in that.

On this topic, I’ve accrued an absolute treasure chest of helpful advice from years of counselling, which I’ve contemplated putting into a short self-help book just to make it all accessible to others (for a nominal fee ). It would certainly need to be accompanied with disclaimers that it’s just ‘thoughts’ and I’m not an expert… except in my experience of being myself!