MY GP record on the NHS app has notes saying "always has self harming suicidal thoughts/plans with autism, but says he would never do this"
makes me wonder if it just puts me on an mi6 watchlist. as I've never been offered any help with it at all.
I think (and could be wrong) that if you are certain you would not actually go through with self-harm/suicide, they aren't interested as you don't need to be on the 'important' list.
I've been asked a few times, when mentioning depression, and the second I say I've thought about suicide but not in a 'serious' way, they switch off.
Like many 'problems', the NHS is only capable of dealing with 'critical' patients now, and so anything else is pushed onto the back-burner. I can sort of understand it, as you clearly want to help the people that need it more... but of course, it means that the lingering problems, the slow decline of mental health, and everything else just keeps getting worse in the background and making the problem bigger. It's like not worrying about that 1kg gain in weight per month... except in a few years you're suddenly morbidly obese.
I've all but given up on the NHS being able to help for anything not 'critical'. Each time I've mentioned depression, they've given me a photocopy leaflet of a charity, or sent some links to online pages, but left me to my own devices. Sure, I'm likely not going to kill myself, but it's not helping and things don't get better. They have tried to help with my long-covid-esque symptoms, but like others it's mostly become "You're overweight - deal with that", which again I understand as it's the easy path, and they have charts and processes to follow that, and it can make many things more prevalent... but again doesn't help me.
I've been triaged and waiting for an Autism assessment for almost 3 years, and don't expect that any time soon - to be honest, I doubt they can do much for me anyway, as I'm mid 50's now and if I've gotten this far through life, I doubt they have some 'miracle' to help me live a happier life, but it's more just for closure.
I've all but 'given up' on most things, and all that keeps me functioning is my daughter, who has unfortunately inherited the neurodiversity but of course won't be diagnosed by the school or doctors because she's a girl and they need a lot of specific evidence to demonstrate... and high-functioning people don't provide that.
I have a much better life than many people (on paper) and I feel grateful for that. It doesn't solve my problems, but ... I guess it makes me realise things could be worse. I'll 'carry on' whilst I can, like most people I presume...
I don't worry about dying any more. I think that's an upside. I do worry about my family and how they'll cope, but you know that feeling when you realise they'll cope 'just fine' after a couple of weeks ? Yup.
Oh yeah... and I was made redundant again. Strangely, that removed most stress I have (short of finding something else), but it gives yet another perspective on life, that it's all for ... nothing. Work, to pay, until you die.
What's the point, right ? Yeah, I know that's depression talking. That's just how it is. Is self-awareness better, or worse, overall ? Is not-knowing and struggling better than knowing and still struggling ?
Thanks all for this thread...
