**The Mental Health Thread**

I'm always in two minds about being honest here.

1. It always seems like attention seeking
2. It never helps in any way, shape or form.
3. It could be used by someone to prejudice some future outcome against me.

But then to counter all of that I mostly just don't care and so will go ahead anyhow!

Firstly my head is a confusing mess and I won't claim to have any insights about my own behaviour. Maybe I don't spend enough time trying to get to the root causes of my actions or thought patterns.

But my behaviour is broadly categorised as "self-destructive" and "self-sabotage". Why would anyone behave that way? I don't know. Do I find misery comforting? I don't think so. Do I not want to do anything because it would involve sustained effort, and it's easier to just deliberately fail? I think that's part of it.

Do I not commit to sustained effort because I'm afraid of failing? I think that's another part of it.

Do I not want to be happy? Well I don't know what happiness would feel like or how I would deal with it. Sounds ludicrous, right? Well I know unhappiness. I know apathy. I know how to deal with being unfulfilled, lonely. The constant feeling of emptiness is familiar. Am I just afraid of unfamiliar things? Yes, for sure. Fear of the unknown. Fear that the unknown will bring worse misery than the constant, but familiar misery of just drifting along in hopeless surrender.

I know I should make some effort to try to climb out of this hole. But I won't. I'll just make a comfy nest at the bottom of the hole, and look for reasons not to do anything at all. Or worse, I'll dig the hole a little deeper. Because it's easier to go down. And if you self-sabotage you can never be wrong. You knew you'd always be unhappy. You knew you were a poor excuse for a human being. You can't be wrong if you do all you can to resist being happy.

But am I even capable of being a normal person. How do I know I'm not just irredeemably broken? What benefit to believing this... none. Have to find some way to be hopeful first... or just force myself to do something and realise that hope is a luxury anyhow. What matter is taking action, not the belief that the action will yield results?

Just do something? Worry about believing in yourself another day?

People may not understand the complete and total absence of hope. How it cripples you and prevents you from wanting to achieve anything. How it makes you unable to feel joy.

I've stopped doing things I thought I enjoyed because I don't really enjoy them. Can't enjoy them. Everything is a waste of time but my time isn't valuable. But I can't do anything right now. Nothing seems worth doing. Nothing seems worth doing. At all. That's a strange place to be. It's where I live.
 
FoxEye said:
I'm always in two minds about being honest here.

1. It always seems like attention seeking
2. It never helps in any way, shape or form.
3. It could be used by someone to prejudice some future outcome against me.

But then to counter all of that I mostly just don't care and so will go ahead anyhow!

Firstly my head is a confusing mess and I won't claim to have any insights about my own behaviour. Maybe I don't spend enough time trying to get to the root causes of my actions or thought patterns.

But my behaviour is broadly categorised as "self-destructive" and "self-sabotage". Why would anyone behave that way? I don't know. Do I find misery comforting? I don't think so. Do I not want to do anything because it would involve sustained effort, and it's easier to just deliberately fail? I think that's part of it.

Do I not commit to sustained effort because I'm afraid of failing? I think that's another part of it.

Do I not want to be happy? Well I don't know what happiness would feel like or how I would deal with it. Sounds ludicrous, right? Well I know unhappiness. I know apathy. I know how to deal with being unfulfilled, lonely. The constant feeling of emptiness is familiar. Am I just afraid of unfamiliar things? Yes, for sure. Fear of the unknown. Fear that the unknown will bring worse misery than the constant, but familiar misery of just drifting along in hopeless surrender.

I know I should make some effort to try to climb out of this hole. But I won't. I'll just make a comfy nest at the bottom of the hole, and look for reasons not to do anything at all. Or worse, I'll dig the hole a little deeper. Because it's easier to go down. And if you self-sabotage you can never be wrong. You knew you'd always be unhappy. You knew you were a poor excuse for a human being. You can't be wrong if you do all you can to resist being happy.

But am I even capable of being a normal person. How do I know I'm not just irredeemably broken? What benefit to believing this... none. Have to find some way to be hopeful first... or just force myself to do something and realise that hope is a luxury anyhow. What matter is taking action, not the belief that the action will yield results?

Just do something? Worry about believing in yourself another day?

People may not understand the complete and total absence of hope. How it cripples you and prevents you from wanting to achieve anything. How it makes you unable to feel joy.

I've stopped doing things I thought I enjoyed because I don't really enjoy them. Can't enjoy them. Everything is a waste of time but my time isn't valuable. But I can't do anything right now. Nothing seems worth doing. Nothing seems worth doing. At all. That's a strange place to be. It's where I live.
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I am familiar with some of the above, not all of it but some of it.

I am sorry for how you feel, it sounds awful.

What do you do currently that gives you some kind of feeling? It can be a negative, self destructing thing but is there anything you take solace in?
 
Tone1979 said:
I am familiar with some of the above, not all of it but some of it.

I am sorry for how you feel, it sounds awful.

What do you do currently that gives you some kind of feeling? It can be a negative, self destructing thing but is there anything you take solace in?
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I feel a lot of (largely mis-directed) anger at the world. At others. At anything. Frustration also. I'm smart enough to understand that nobody else is to blame and I'm not a danger to anyone, even armed with my pointiest keyboard. But there is some bizarre comfort in being angry. Perhaps it is a substitute for other, more positive feelings. Perhaps it is the need to feel something, and anger fills the hole. Again it's familiar. And you don't have to worry about things when you're angry. You can just bask in pure, destructive emotion. To hate the world and everything in it.

Also a great deal of paranoia. That people are plotting behind my back. That people want to see me suffer. That I can't trust anyone.

What a funny bugger I am. There is no rhyme nor reason to anything going on in my head.
 
FoxEye said:
I feel a lot of (largely mis-directed) anger at the world. At others. At anything. Frustration also. I'm smart enough to understand that nobody else is to blame and I'm not a danger to anyone, even armed with my pointiest keyboard. But there is some bizarre comfort in being angry. Perhaps it is a substitute for other, more positive feelings. Perhaps it is the need to feel something, and anger fills the hole. Again it's familiar. And you don't have to worry about things when you're angry. You can just bask in pure, destructive emotion. To hate the world and everything in it.

Also a great deal of paranoia. That people are plotting behind my back. That people want to see me suffer. That I can't trust anyone.

What a funny bugger I am. There is no rhyme nor reason to anything going on in my head.
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for starters I am only commenting as I have been through a rough patch and have come out the other side a lot happier and I hope you know that you can get through something like this. I am in no way a professional!

the fact that you say you know no one is to blame for how you feels is really important. I had this feeling for years after my mum died, I went properly off the rails and the only thing that saved me was my job. I was angry at everything.

Do you know the paranoia is paranoia when you're feeling it?

How long has it been going on for?
 
Oh as long as I can remember.

I daydream a lot of situations where people betray and hurt me, deliberately. Because they hate me. Because they're only nice to me for peculiar reasons. Like the government is paying people to act nice to me and if they weren't everybody would want to be mean to me all the time.

Those weird daydreams can be hard to snap out of but my mind is pretty good at making them convincing. In those scenarios people just hate me and act spitefully and with maximum contempt and malice. Like I'm actually everybody's most despised public enemy. Stuff that my rational mind knows isn't going to happen. But if I'm not focused on something (be it work or whatever) my mind will more often than not create one of these fictions.

I'm always alone against the world. Or against whoever else is in that dream. And there's such vivid hostility.

Perhaps it is a way of preparing myself for possible bad things that could happen. Or maybe there's no good reason and it's just a really bad mental habit that has slipped in.

I'm conscious of the fact that the more I post the more people will think I'm a complete nut-job, so maybe that's enough for one day!
 
FoxEye said:
Oh as long as I can remember.

I daydream a lot of situations where people betray and hurt me, deliberately. Because they hate me. Because they're only nice to me for peculiar reasons. Like the government is paying people to act nice to me and if they weren't everybody would want to be mean to me all the time.

Those weird daydreams can be hard to snap out of but my mind is pretty good at making them convincing. In those scenarios people just hate me and act spitefully and with maximum contempt and malice. Like I'm actually everybody's most despised public enemy. Stuff that my rational mind knows isn't going to happen. But if I'm not focused on something (be it work or whatever) my mind will more often than not create one of these fictions.

I'm always alone against the world. Or against whoever else is in that dream. And there's such vivid hostility.

Perhaps it is a way of preparing myself for possible bad things that could happen. Or maybe there's no good reason and it's just a really bad mental habit that has slipped in.

I'm conscious of the fact that the more I post the more people will think I'm a complete nut-job, so maybe that's enough for one day!
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No one knows who you are, why care what they think?

I too have thoughts about what could go wrong, I constantly think about scenarios where myself or my family could come to harm and the method of that harm but I know that it's just thoughts.

I went to see a psychiatrist for almost 18 months and it gave me the tools (hate that term but hey ho!) to get my head back in order when I am thinking negative thoughts. I cannot recommend it enough. I went through a stage where I was sleeping only a few hours a night for weeks on end and it eventually led to a breakdown. That's when I went to see someone.

I think you should consider seeing and talking to someone to get your head in order. I feel so much better than I did 5 years ago and I don't think I'd be typing this had I not been to see someone, not that you're the same but certainly talking to someone who has no affiliation to you gives you a sounding board.

Do you work and do you enjoy it? or does your thoughts ruin it?
 
Tone1979 said:
Do you work and do you enjoy it? or does your thoughts ruin it?
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Sure. I can hide all of this stuff and not even my family have any idea.

People at work would not have the faintest clue. I can function as well as I need to at work. Mainly because they just want a worker and I can assume the persona of a worker ant and just work ;)

Because I don't really have any close personal bonds with anyone, GD is the only place that knows this crap about me! I don't think I've posted it anywhere else.

Most of the all the interactions I have with others are superficial or task related, so there's never any chance for stuff like this to seep out. Probably a good thing! Not sure how long I'd keep my job if people had any idea.
 
FoxEye said:
Oh as long as I can remember.

I daydream a lot of situations where people betray and hurt me, deliberately. Because they hate me. Because they're only nice to me for peculiar reasons. Like the government is paying people to act nice to me and if they weren't everybody would want to be mean to me all the time.

Those weird daydreams can be hard to snap out of but my mind is pretty good at making them convincing. In those scenarios people just hate me and act spitefully and with maximum contempt and malice. Like I'm actually everybody's most despised public enemy. Stuff that my rational mind knows isn't going to happen. But if I'm not focused on something (be it work or whatever) my mind will more often than not create one of these fictions.

I'm always alone against the world. Or against whoever else is in that dream. And there's such vivid hostility.

Perhaps it is a way of preparing myself for possible bad things that could happen. Or maybe there's no good reason and it's just a really bad mental habit that has slipped in.

I'm conscious of the fact that the more I post the more people will think I'm a complete nut-job, so maybe that's enough for one day!
Click to expand...

Idk what works for you, but I've had a very similar thought process to you and the book, 'The Four Agreements' really helped me get over this line of thought*. It's fairly short and very basic but it hit me in way that no book or person ever has and I've been conscious of it's teachings for a good month now and I'm seeing positive benefits from it.

It's very easy to fall into habits and develop a personality that's always anticipating the worst, but it's no way to live. You miss out on so much when you always expect the worst. Patterns are hard to break and take a lot of work but no matter how long your brain has been wired to be a certain way you can always undo it.


*I will admit that this was after years of being 'stuck' in a mindset, and seeking help once I finally realised how much harm it was doing to me. Admittedly the book does have religious undertones (im an atheist) but stick with it and ignore the god/religious angle and it might work for you.
 
FOx eye i would suggest seeing a therapist. Go private if you dont want it on your records. They will be able to help you work out why you think this way, almost make sense of it all if you will. I do feel for you though and i hope things get better.
 
Live a good life, happily married, perfect family!

Lately though struggling to find enjoyment in anything or any real point in life aside from my kids.... Did a search tonight, sounds like I may have Anemia. Anyone else had this?
 
I mean it could be but I’ve rarely heard of anemia making people lose enjoyment in everything and see no hope in sight.

It runs in my family and the main symptom is just people’s energy levels but they all still enjoy life and have goals and future plans, anyways a blood test should rule it out or if you want something a little more thorough you could see an endocrinologist.
 
Ayahuasca said:
I mean it could be but I’ve rarely heard of anemia making people lose enjoyment in everything and see no hope in sight.

It runs in my family and the main symptom is just people’s energy levels but they all still enjoy life and have goals and future plans, anyways a blood test should rule it out or if you want something a little more thorough you could see an endocrinologist.
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Yeah the non enjoyment of stuff isn't a major factor... Just so lethrgic and lazy lately!
 
FoxEye said:
I'm always in two minds about being honest here.

1. It always seems like attention seeking
2. It never helps in any way, shape or form.
3. It could be used by someone to prejudice some future outcome against me.

But then to counter all of that I mostly just don't care and so will go ahead anyhow!

Firstly my head is a confusing mess and I won't claim to have any insights about my own behaviour. Maybe I don't spend enough time trying to get to the root causes of my actions or thought patterns.

But my behaviour is broadly categorised as "self-destructive" and "self-sabotage". Why would anyone behave that way? I don't know. Do I find misery comforting? I don't think so. Do I not want to do anything because it would involve sustained effort, and it's easier to just deliberately fail? I think that's part of it.

Do I not commit to sustained effort because I'm afraid of failing? I think that's another part of it.

Do I not want to be happy? Well I don't know what happiness would feel like or how I would deal with it. Sounds ludicrous, right? Well I know unhappiness. I know apathy. I know how to deal with being unfulfilled, lonely. The constant feeling of emptiness is familiar. Am I just afraid of unfamiliar things? Yes, for sure. Fear of the unknown. Fear that the unknown will bring worse misery than the constant, but familiar misery of just drifting along in hopeless surrender.

I know I should make some effort to try to climb out of this hole. But I won't. I'll just make a comfy nest at the bottom of the hole, and look for reasons not to do anything at all. Or worse, I'll dig the hole a little deeper. Because it's easier to go down. And if you self-sabotage you can never be wrong. You knew you'd always be unhappy. You knew you were a poor excuse for a human being. You can't be wrong if you do all you can to resist being happy.

But am I even capable of being a normal person. How do I know I'm not just irredeemably broken? What benefit to believing this... none. Have to find some way to be hopeful first... or just force myself to do something and realise that hope is a luxury anyhow. What matter is taking action, not the belief that the action will yield results?

Just do something? Worry about believing in yourself another day?

People may not understand the complete and total absence of hope. How it cripples you and prevents you from wanting to achieve anything. How it makes you unable to feel joy.

I've stopped doing things I thought I enjoyed because I don't really enjoy them. Can't enjoy them. Everything is a waste of time but my time isn't valuable. But I can't do anything right now. Nothing seems worth doing. Nothing seems worth doing. At all. That's a strange place to be. It's where I live.
Click to expand...

i 100% understand this and some of what you've said since.
Its difficult but i can recommend seeing a counsellor or even group counselling if you can afford it.
its difficult to have hope and see how things could change but if you do nothing then nothing will definitely change - if you do something, maybe it will. What do you have to lose? A bit of time and money which you aren't enjoying anyway.
I think you'll be surprised how many people are in a similar situation.
I do have a little bit of hope, not a lot but its there and i'm still trying to find the 'answer'.
 
Ever have days where you just want to curl into a ball in bed and cry yourself to sleep?

At work, feels like I'm always working, worked yesterday, and all 6 am starts, feel like a fraud despite being here 2 years... Just want to make an excuse to go home and sleep all week.
 
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AHarvey said:
Ever have days where you just want to curl into a ball in bed and cry yourself to sleep?

At work, feels like I'm always work, worked yesterday, and all 6 am starts, feel like a fraud despite being here 2 years... Just want to make an excuse to go home and sleep all week.
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My response to a lot of depression/down days lately has been to lay face down in a pillow or on my bed. Or just sit on the sofa not really doing anything, hoping the day just goes away as quick as possible.

It gets in the way of actually doing anything useful to change my situation. If my mood changes for some reason then it can cost me my whole evening.
 
AHarvey said:
Ever have days where you just want to curl into a ball in bed and cry yourself to sleep?

At work, feels like I'm always working, worked yesterday, and all 6 am starts, feel like a fraud despite being here 2 years... Just want to make an excuse to go home and sleep all week.
Click to expand...
every day, somedays are better than others, but its just an existence not a life i enjoy at all for me
 
FoxEye said:
Oh as long as I can remember.

I daydream a lot of situations where people betray and hurt me, deliberately. Because they hate me. Because they're only nice to me for peculiar reasons. Like the government is paying people to act nice to me and if they weren't everybody would want to be mean to me all the time.

Those weird daydreams can be hard to snap out of but my mind is pretty good at making them convincing. In those scenarios people just hate me and act spitefully and with maximum contempt and malice. Like I'm actually everybody's most despised public enemy. Stuff that my rational mind knows isn't going to happen. But if I'm not focused on something (be it work or whatever) my mind will more often than not create one of these fictions.

I'm always alone against the world. Or against whoever else is in that dream. And there's such vivid hostility.

Perhaps it is a way of preparing myself for possible bad things that could happen. Or maybe there's no good reason and it's just a really bad mental habit that has slipped in.

I'm conscious of the fact that the more I post the more people will think I'm a complete nut-job, so maybe that's enough for one day!
Click to expand...

I really hate what I'm about to post, as its so cliche and its the same droll advice that everybody gives, its the advice that people gave me and I resented at the time.

Try and find a professional to talk to.

I can relate somewhat to your post, I went through a 6 month stretch like this myself, luckily I was able to break the cycle and it hasn't persisted as long as it has with you, but without the help of a professional I'd probably never have snapped out of it.

I had an inner monologue that was constantly telling me that I wasn't good enough, that whatever I did it wasn't enough, that I was a fraud and eventually I'd be found out. I wasn't normal, I didn't fit in with everybody else, and I was destined be alone because I would never fit in with the rest of society. I lost interest in everything, everything that I ever enjoyed felt completely hollow to me. I threw myself into the gym, training up to twice a day for an extended period of time, not because I wanted to be in amazing shape but because time spent in the gym was the only time that I was able to shut out these thoughts. It was a number of issues with me, a crisis of self confidence and depression being the two main drivers along with the "grief" associated with a failed relationship.

I'm not qualified to offer you more advice than to see somebody who truly understands this stuff, the solutions for me were tailored to me and probably wouldn't apply in your situation.

I know you say that you don't have hope, but there could be light at the end of the tunnel for you, and lets be honest if you're feeling like this all the time - what have you got to lose by trying?

I also don't think anybody here is judging you, we've all got our issues, and a lot of people here have been very open about them, its what this thread is for.
 
@Rids Out of curiosity, how did the professional help you to overcome your situation? Obvs don't need to post anything personal you can generalise, if you are OK with that.

I just wonder how they can help is all.
 
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