The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

wannabedamned · 22 Jun 2012 at 15:27

I suppose I'll add in a "problem"

I'm aware it's not really a problem, I just have to hurt her feelings :rolleyes:

Anyways..

I have a girl who wants to come to mine tonight, She's a nice girl, pretty and sweet! And for some reason she thinks the world of me. "I'm one of the nicest guys she's met, and I deserve to be with someone great"

Problem is, I have no interest in her outside of maybe a fun weekend. I'm not a ass, So I won't do that to her. As it's obvious now that she likes me in a way that's more than just about sex.

I'm actually trying to come up with an excuse not to see her. She came to my house a few weeks ago, We made out, kissed, etc. No Sex. I regret it now, It was great at the time. But now she see's us as something. I don't.

We work together, So I need to make sure we stay on happy terms.

But she seems very sensitive, For instance, The first day back at work after we'd spent the weekend together. I got a text message saying "Are you angry? You didnt smile at me"

I was at work! I didnt smile at her because I was concentrating...

Eugh, I can see this is just going to suuuuuck.

I'm aware of the solution to this, I just shared so I can get some hugs.

Thank you

rG-tom · 22 Jun 2012 at 15:29

Don't **** where you eat?

Just have to say "I'm really not looking for anything serious right now, you in or you out, either way I'd like to stay friends"

paradisiac · 22 Jun 2012 at 15:29

ok, so its been 7+ months now since me and the wife split up, and I still miss her like craaaazy

why?!?! we only ever fought for the last year or so we were together, surely I should be remembering that part of her, not the good stuff.

dave1983 · 22 Jun 2012 at 15:54

why did you split?

I'm almost considering divorce, had enough of the emotional and physical abuse tbh.

paradisiac · 22 Jun 2012 at 15:57

dave1983 said:
why did you split?

I'm almost considering divorce, had enough of the emotional and physical abuse tbh.

she wanted to be out with her friends drinking (and I think she had her eye on another guy), I wanted to be at home with our 2 kids and her, as a family. we just used to fight all the time, I think it was because she had got bored and wanted to go her own way.
it sux, coz now we are getting on really well, like when we first got together, which makes it really difficult.

dave1983 · 22 Jun 2012 at 16:01

Mines the opposite, never goes out can't remember the last time she made the effort of dressing up.

arguments plenty, last one consisted of her saying "this will be the last fathers day you will see " nice, trying to imply that i would never see my daughter, then she pushed me away by the door.

paradisiac · 22 Jun 2012 at 16:04

dave1983 said:
Mines the opposite, never goes out can't remember the last time she made the effort of dressing up.

arguments plenty, last one consisted of her saying "this will be the last fathers day you will see " nice, trying to imply that i would never see my daughter, then she pushed me away by the door.

yeh, the kids thing is awful. I feel I have to drop everything and do exactly as she says, coz if I don't, she can stop me seeing them.

but my personal feelings are, if you are considering splitting up, then its probably the right thing to do.

we nearly split a year earlier, but kept finding reasons not to, and it made our last year hell for the most. now we are both friendly to eachother and get on fine, although I do think, like I said, she takes advantage sometimes using kids as leverage.
I am a bit of a recluse now mind, I don't go out, other than work, and I don't talk to anyone. mainly as I have no friends since she moved me away from them all.

krooton · 22 Jun 2012 at 16:05

Question to all those married people who have kids and are having problems.

How long were you together before you got married?
How long were you together before you had kids?

paradisiac · 22 Jun 2012 at 16:09

krooton said:
Question to all those married people who have kids and are having problems.

How long were you together before you got married?
How long were you together before you had kids?

we were together about 3 months when we got pregnant with our first, and had our second a year later and were married 2 or 3 years after that. then about 2 months after that we had issues, then a year later split up.

dave1983 · 22 Jun 2012 at 16:10

we were together 2 yrs before we got married, the child was unexpected but we continued with the marriage in year 3. unfortunately it's the womens mindset that changes, husband go on the back bench so to speak and use emotional blackmail and manipulation.

TommyV · 22 Jun 2012 at 16:14

You said it yourself dave, make sure you get on fine without her!!!

Keeping fit is a great way, maybe take up a hobby too and keep yourself busy and show you can cope just fine!

dave1983 · 22 Jun 2012 at 16:16

Yep,

Im going to withhold sex too, instead of me intiating it all the time i need to make her come to me, otherwise shes just doing it to shut me up.

krooton · 22 Jun 2012 at 16:16

The reasons given is very much why I have taken my time with everything, when we get married (I haven't proposed yet), we will have been together for 4 years, and won't be trying for any kids until a year after that.

As we will be early 30s, 5 years is long enough to be as reasonably sure as possible that we want to be together and raise a family.

I'd love to have managed what my parents did, start dating late teens, married early twenties, have 2 kids and still be together after 40 years, but the world is a very different place now.

paradisiac · 22 Jun 2012 at 16:18

krooton said:
The reasons given is very much why I have taken my time with everything, when we get married (I haven't proposed yet), we will have been together for 4 years, and won't be trying for any kids until a year after that.

As we will be early 30s, 5 years is long enough to be as reasonably sure as possible that we want to be together and raise a family.

I'd love to have managed what my parents did, start dating late teens, married early twenties, have 2 kids and still be together after 40 years, but the world is a very different place now.

that sounds good, and was my plan too. but I loved (and still do) my ex-wife to bits, and we both wanted kids. I know I am as much to blame as her for the breakdown, but she seems to be getting on just fine since, whereas im left feeling sorry for myself, wishing we were still together.

dave1983 · 22 Jun 2012 at 16:21

honestly speaking, i wish i waited a couple of years before getting married. As ppl show their true colours. problem is that you can spend most of the time feeling it's my fault, when really the problem is theirs and only they can change. when i first met my wife she was loving and sexual active person, now ill be lucky to get a passionate kiss or even sit on the same sofa. my wife now brings up a lot of negativity and complains about anything, to get the attention she wants

dave1983 · 22 Jun 2012 at 16:22

Milkybk said:
Just don't give her any attention at all, focus everything on your family. You'd be surprised how quickly it sends women round the bend when you won't e.g. react to there taunts etc.

good advise, from what iv'e read spend loads of time being busy.

So i might plan to take my little one out without her ect..

paradisiac · 22 Jun 2012 at 16:25

dave1983 said:
honestly speaking, i wish i waited a couple of years before getting married. As ppl show their true colours. problem is that you can spend most of the time feeling it's my fault, when really the problem is theirs and only they can change. when i first met my wife she was loving and sexual active person, now ill be lucky to get a passionate kiss or even sit on the same sofa. my wife now brings up a lot of negativity and complains about anything, to get the attention she wants

this is what happened to me. I stopped paying her attention and then she started talking to her old friends, which then lead to her going out on Friday nights, coming home at god knows what time.
im kinda glad we split, else I can see it would have been a horrible place for the kids to grow up with us fighting all the time. but would I of preferred her to of changed and gone back to staying home and being like when we first got together? probably not, as she would have got resentful and frustrated.

only you know how your situation is reflecting on the kids.

dave1983 · 22 Jun 2012 at 16:30

has your wife cheated? sounds to me as if she trying to see if the grass is greener on the other side.

dave1983 · 22 Jun 2012 at 16:38

Apologies yes i was, but fair play to you mate. from experience marriage isn't the end all and be all. And as you can see once a couple are married the first year is the hardest and it most cases women become very distant and become resentful to their husband. i can be abit of a noob sometimes just like any other person but what im seeing at the moment from my wife is red flags.

paradisiac · 22 Jun 2012 at 16:42

dave1983 said:
has your wife cheated? sounds to me as if she trying to see if the grass is greener on the other side.

she say she hadn't and I can only believe her as she has no reason to lie now we have split up.

yeh, that was kinda what I hoped, and she has stopped going out now (well not drinking and that). and she has recently been getting a lot more friendly, but my kids tell me the guy I thought she was cheating with, takes them all out in the evenings and that. so who knows.

the thing is, as much as I love her, and in my heart I know I would take her back in an instant. but my head still remembers all the hurtful things she did, and I don't know if I could ever forget.