The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Vidar said:
Well gents I'm back, having yet more problems at home only this time she may have gone too far....

Tomorrow is my birthday, 29th and she knows how important birthdays are to me especially since my Dad died and I'm estranged from my mother, we don't have a lot of money but I had budgeted enough for a semi nice pair of shoes I'm in dire need of for my birthday, however as of today she has apparently gone out with her friend and bought herself a top and had a rubbish meal at some greasy spoon type of place.... She told me tonight not to get so worked up over it, it's just a birthday and its nothing special and then promptly took herself off to bed without so much as a good night!

I hope that it is just some tasteless joke because if she is being serious well that's it for me and her and she can go whistle, I'll go into a hostel if I have too and keep up my studies and be that good role model for my kids, funny thing is yes I will suffer in the short term but hey if I leave then that's her having to drop out of university yet again and a life on the dole awaits as she can't do her degree without my support, I don't mean that in a horrible way I mean she literally has me write her assignments for her and then not to mention that as we live so far away from the university there is no way she can drop the kids off every morning or pick them up in the evening without being late every day and having to finish early something the NHS wont stand for.....

Personally I don't get her logic, if I was so dependent on someone else and my future was riding on getting their help even if I didn't want to be with them any more I would at least try to keep things civil!
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Threatening to leave is an empty threat if you never actually leave. I'm not suggesting you do (although I would, I think) but your wife sounds like a terrible person who is quite content to carry on with her behaviour because there is no reason not to. You've said you'd leave before, she became contrite, you didn't leave, the cycle continues.

Two things you could do some reading on : co-dependant relationships and passive-aggressive relationships.
 
Vidar said:
Well gents I'm back, having yet more problems at home only this time she may have gone too far....

Tomorrow is my birthday, 29th and she knows how important birthdays are to me especially since my Dad died and I'm estranged from my mother, we don't have a lot of money but I had budgeted enough for a semi nice pair of shoes I'm in dire need of for my birthday, however as of today she has apparently gone out with her friend and bought herself a top and had a rubbish meal at some greasy spoon type of place.... She told me tonight not to get so worked up over it, it's just a birthday and its nothing special and then promptly took herself off to bed without so much as a good night!

I hope that it is just some tasteless joke because if she is being serious well that's it for me and her and she can go whistle, I'll go into a hostel if I have too and keep up my studies and be that good role model for my kids, funny thing is yes I will suffer in the short term but hey if I leave then that's her having to drop out of university yet again and a life on the dole awaits as she can't do her degree without my support, I don't mean that in a horrible way I mean she literally has me write her assignments for her and then not to mention that as we live so far away from the university there is no way she can drop the kids off every morning or pick them up in the evening without being late every day and having to finish early something the NHS wont stand for.....

Personally I don't get her logic, if I was so dependent on someone else and my future was riding on getting their help even if I didn't want to be with them any more I would at least try to keep things civil!
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From what you've said it seems that she has no respect for you. Don't even begin to try and understand "logic" of women!

You appear to be putting far more into the relationship than she is - and if you continue to do so, you run the risk of becoming very bitter over it.

If I were you, I'd move out and have some time to yourself. You must start to do things on your terms.
 
Well guy's I was almost right about today she got me a card and signed it "Love Maxine" that in itself would seem reasonable but if you knew her, every year we have been together when ever one of us is giving a card there is a big soppy message telling the other how much we love them etc, well this time there was nothing like that....

She has not wished me a happy birthday, certainly hasn't bothered with any sort of gift as apparently that takes too much energy to do something nice for me and there has been nothing but atmosphere from the get go, apparently it is all my fault for not doing enough around the house and that to her is me abusing her etc... Sorry but I do everything else and I do plenty of cleaning etc around the house!

So instead of us doing something romantic together when the kids go to bed I'm now going for a drink with my best friend, she has said that she feels bad about what she has done today but why the hell should she change it when I do nothing for her...... I could ream everything off that I do but only get accused of throwing it all back in her face!

I've told her I know how she works and in a few days she is going to try and make it up to me and will feel just awful but by then it is too late, the damage is already done!

I'm hoping my friend and his missus might let me crash there for a few days but I really have had enough this time, I want her to be the loving person I know she can be who I was very happy with at first but she just wont do it any more!
 
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Vidar said:
Well guy's I was almost right about today she got me a card and signed it "Love Maxine" that in itself would seem reasonable but if you knew her, every year we have been together when ever one of us is giving a card there is a big soppy message telling the other how much we love them etc, well this time there was nothing like that....

She has not wished me a happy birthday, certainly hasn't bothered with any sort of gift as apparently that takes too much energy to do something nice for me and there has been nothing but atmosphere from the get go, apparently it is all my fault for not doing enough around the house and that to her is me abusing her etc... Sorry but I do everything else and I do plenty of cleaning etc around the house!

So instead of us doing something romantic together when the kids go to bed I'm now going for a drink with my best friend, she has said that she feels bad about what she has done today but why the hell should she change it when I do nothing for her...... I could ream everything off that I do but only get accused of throwing it all back in her face!

I've told her I know how she works and in a few days she is going to try and make it up to me and will feel just awful but by then it is too late, the damage is already done!

I'm hoping my friend and his missus might let me crash there for a few days but I really have had enough this time, I want her to be the loving person I know she can be who I was very happy with at first but she just wont do it any more!
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Sounds like you are in a similar situation to me fella!
 
Come Monday morning I am going to really start pushing to get my own place, I know living on JSA is going to be a nightmare but it is better than being made to feel worthless every day by the one person who is meant to make you feel good about yourself,

I used to care that if I left she would have to drop out of university etc but I cant keep putting her needs ahead of mine when she doesn't care for or love me and certainly doesn't appreciate the things that I do.

I know I've said this before but I went from a healthy and happy person to one who is now overweight, suffering depression, sleep apnoea, insomnia and possibly diabities

It's time to get out!!!
 
Vidar said:
Come Monday morning I am going to really start pushing to get my own place, I know living on JSA is going to be a nightmare but it is better than being made to feel worthless every day by the one person who is meant to make you feel good about yourself,

I used to care that if I left she would have to drop out of university etc but I cant keep putting her needs ahead of mine when she doesn't care for or love me and certainly doesn't appreciate the things that I do.

I know I've said this before but I went from a healthy and happy person to one who is now overweight, suffering depression, sleep apnoea, insomnia and possibly diabities

It's time to get out!!!
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I'm sorry to see what that woman has put you through, nobody deserves this. Make sure you do stand by your convictions this time and give her a taste of her own medicine. Try and enjoy today as much as possible and have a happy birthday =)
 
Get out, get out, get out GET OUT!!!!!

...and more importantly, when she inevitably starts telling you how you leaving was the wake up call she needed and it'll all change now if only you'll come back and give it another try, just remember you've been giving it "one more try" every time she acted like this forever, she just hadn't noticed. Don't end up back a sq one again a month later.

If you've made the decision (and it sounds like you have) have confidence in your own decision making process, when the long dark night comes here you feel alone and doubt yourself (and it will come) be strong and remember you didn't make a rushed impulsive decision, you knew what you were doing.

Whilst staying together for the kids is a valid point of view, given the way you describe yourself now you owe it to them to get out, build yourself back up and be the figure in their lives they need you to be. Doesn't sound you're going to be able to do that as things are.
 
knip said:
I tend to attract people who don't really have much of a backbone, the "i'll do whatever you want" type, rather than the "throw me over their shoulder and take me back to their cave type" (which i'd prefer) :p

I also have this tendency to fall for people I can't have.

I miss male company though, and I miss the "obvious" things a hell of a lot. :D
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A relief. Im not the only one :)
 
Athanor said:
Get out, get out, get out GET OUT!!!!!

...and more importantly, when she inevitably starts telling you how you leaving was the wake up call she needed and it'll all change now if only you'll come back and give it another try, just remember you've been giving it "one more try" every time she acted like this forever, she just hadn't noticed. Don't end up back a sq one again a month later.

If you've made the decision (and it sounds like you have) have confidence in your own decision making process, when the long dark night comes here you feel alone and doubt yourself (and it will come) be strong and remember you didn't make a rushed impulsive decision, you knew what you were doing.

Whilst staying together for the kids is a valid point of view, given the way you describe yourself now you owe it to them to get out, build yourself back up and be the figure in their lives they need you to be. Doesn't sound you're going to be able to do that as things are.
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Well guys it is done, I have broken off the engagement and completely ended the relationship, okay so I'm sleeping on the couch but that is only because I'm waiting for either a place to come up in a hostel or a flat or something in which I will be able to move in too; I have applied already but these things can take a few days.


I have also made an appointment at the doctors for tomorrow morning to sort out some counselling and maybe anti - depressants etc as I know at least for now that I am going to need some kind of support to get me over this as I'm certainly not that strong just now.

I know now there is no going back, since my last post things have gotten far worse than I ever thought they would, I thought I knew this women and that she would never do or say the things that she has, especially over the last few days... She has threatened to call the police and tell them I'd hit her, threatened to stop me from seeing my kids and that she will take them away from me when she finishes university and was far more horrid than that trying to make me feel utterly worthless and insignificant, if she had been a man I'd have punched her... she was goading me to do it, asking and begging me to hit her!!! Like I would be so stupid.... Like I would throw away my life with my kids so she could get what she wants, she was positively psychotic and genuinely horrified me!

After that though she tried the sweetness routine, telling me that she loved me etc but I didn't fall for it this time and when she couldn't justify or explain her behaviour she became nasty again and ran away to bed.... then the silent treatment, well that doesn't bother me any more so now its back to hostility!

I cannot wait to get out of this house now, its too painful staying here but I have nowhere to go... if she genuinely loved me should she not be trying to show me that she really does care instead of being horrible and making things worse???
 
Vidar said:
if she genuinely loved me should she not be trying to show me that she really does care instead of being horrible and making things worse???
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Exactly right, she does not love you. You need to get out and not look back or your going to go under. Don't have any doubts in your mind that she might care because she does not!
 
Vidar said:
Well guys it is done, I have broken off the engagement and completely ended the relationship, okay so I'm sleeping on the couch but that is only because I'm waiting for either a place to come up in a hostel or a flat or something in which I will be able to move in too; I have applied already but these things can take a few days.


I have also made an appointment at the doctors for tomorrow morning to sort out some counselling and maybe anti - depressants etc as I know at least for now that I am going to need some kind of support to get me over this as I'm certainly not that strong just now.

I know now there is no going back, since my last post things have gotten far worse than I ever thought they would, I thought I knew this women and that she would never do or say the things that she has, especially over the last few days... She has threatened to call the police and tell them I'd hit her, threatened to stop me from seeing my kids and that she will take them away from me when she finishes university and was far more horrid than that trying to make me feel utterly worthless and insignificant, if she had been a man I'd have punched her... she was goading me to do it, asking and begging me to hit her!!! Like I would be so stupid.... Like I would throw away my life with my kids so she could get what she wants, she was positively psychotic and genuinely horrified me!

After that though she tried the sweetness routine, telling me that she loved me etc but I didn't fall for it this time and when she couldn't justify or explain her behaviour she became nasty again and ran away to bed.... then the silent treatment, well that doesn't bother me any more so now its back to hostility!

I cannot wait to get out of this house now, its too painful staying here but I have nowhere to go... if she genuinely loved me should she not be trying to show me that she really does care instead of being horrible and making things worse???
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Sounds horrible!

The more I hear about how manipulative some women can be, the more surprised I am that guys don't take recordings of these things they say when threatening to lie to the police and use the kids as leverage. :(
 
Vidar said:
Well guys it is done, I have broken off the engagement and completely ended the relationship, okay so I'm sleeping on the couch but that is only because I'm waiting for either a place to come up in a hostel or a flat or something in which I will be able to move in too; I have applied already but these things can take a few days.

I cannot wait to get out of this house now, its too painful staying here but I have nowhere to go... if she genuinely loved me should she not be trying to show me that she really does care instead of being horrible and making things worse???
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Well done, now follow it through to it's conclusion :) You're doing exactly the right thing, being adult, staying calm, not being goaded, let her try everything she knows to break you again, all that means is there's no more surprises from her, you'll have seen it all before.

Things will get better for you, and likely your kids too once their dad gets strong again. Things would only ever have got worse if you'd remained as you were, don't forget that, that's the thought to keep hold of to keep you going forward!

Good luck :)
 
Vidar said:
Well guys it is done, I have broken off the engagement and completely ended the relationship, okay so I'm sleeping on the couch but that is only because I'm waiting for either a place to come up in a hostel or a flat or something in which I will be able to move in too; I have applied already but these things can take a few days.


I have also made an appointment at the doctors for tomorrow morning to sort out some counselling and maybe anti - depressants etc as I know at least for now that I am going to need some kind of support to get me over this as I'm certainly not that strong just now.

I know now there is no going back, since my last post things have gotten far worse than I ever thought they would, I thought I knew this women and that she would never do or say the things that she has, especially over the last few days... She has threatened to call the police and tell them I'd hit her, threatened to stop me from seeing my kids and that she will take them away from me when she finishes university and was far more horrid than that trying to make me feel utterly worthless and insignificant, if she had been a man I'd have punched her... she was goading me to do it, asking and begging me to hit her!!! Like I would be so stupid.... Like I would throw away my life with my kids so she could get what she wants, she was positively psychotic and genuinely horrified me!

After that though she tried the sweetness routine, telling me that she loved me etc but I didn't fall for it this time and when she couldn't justify or explain her behaviour she became nasty again and ran away to bed.... then the silent treatment, well that doesn't bother me any more so now its back to hostility!

I cannot wait to get out of this house now, its too painful staying here but I have nowhere to go... if she genuinely loved me should she not be trying to show me that she really does care instead of being horrible and making things worse???
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It's time for you to start taking note of the things she says. Start writing them down, along with the times, dates and context. If possible find yourself a voice recorder (a bit extreme I know) but you will be happy for the recordings if it ever comes to a custody battle.
 
Thanks for the support guys, I'm not having a great time of it to be honest, having no means at my disposal means that to get away I have to intentionally make myself homeless by removing my name of the tenancy and hopefully getting a place in a hostel... they job centre etc want me to go two weeks on £26, this will force me out of college probably as well.... I know I can't stay with her and I don't want too as I'm seeing more of a side to her that I wish was not there!

Why is there no real support? I feel like I'm losing my mind!
 
Err, done the whole online thing, met a girl on Saturday and we hung for about 4 hours along the Southbank over food

We're hanging out this Saturday. 1) Is this good? 2) What the hell do I do next? I haven't dated or anything for a good 4 years, its practically new to me.
 
Vidar said:
Thanks for the support guys, I'm not having a great time of it to be honest, having no means at my disposal means that to get away I have to intentionally make myself homeless by removing my name of the tenancy and hopefully getting a place in a hostel... they job centre etc want me to go two weeks on £26, this will force me out of college probably as well.... I know I can't stay with her and I don't want too as I'm seeing more of a side to her that I wish was not there!

Why is there no real support? I feel like I'm losing my mind!
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Can you not get a crisis loan or something similar?
 
rickjames said:
Err, done the whole online thing, met a girl on Saturday and we hung for about 4 hours along the Southbank over food

We're hanging out this Saturday. 1) Is this good? 2) What the hell do I do next? I haven't dated or anything for a good 4 years, its practically new to me.
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Hang out too long and she will just see you as a friend. Did she ask you to hand out with her? Make a move I reckon :)
 
well, I went away for the weekend which was kool. got my hair cut and decided **** it, I don't really care what people think. and is surprising how being confident actually brings a nice reaction from people. starting to feel a bit more emotionally happy within myself, although, without dwelling on the past, I still miss my ex. but I know there is a future, and although it wont be with her, it doesn't have to be on my own.
 
paradisiac said:
well, I went away for the weekend which was kool. got my hair cut and decided **** it, I don't really care what people think. and is surprising how being confident actually brings a nice reaction from people. starting to feel a bit more emotionally happy within myself, although, without dwelling on the past, I still miss my ex. but I know there is a future, and although it wont be with her, it doesn't have to be on my own.
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Always nice to see a positive post on here for a change :) - good luck with the change, it sounds like you are going in the right direction!
 
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