The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

MisChief said:
Without reading the last few pages.... So you split with your wife, then realised she was cheating on you, you have two kids together, and now you're trying to find out for sure if she has cheated on you or not?

Don't really know the whole story... but what is the point in dwelling on it when you've split up already? How do you feel about her now? What do you want to happen exactly?

(Sorry for the questioning, just curious :p)
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lol yeh, we had issues about a year before we split when I felt she liked this other guy. we then had a horrible year, split up and things were odd. then things started getting really good again about a month ago and we were like when we first met (but not in a couple kinda way ;) ) so I dunno, I have never stopped loving her, and I cant see I ever will as she is really special to me. I know deep down we wouldn't get back together, but there was always hope. but now I hear she is with this other guy and it kills.

so I guess, I dunno, I just think I would feel better if I knew 100% that she was with this guy. with all the denials it feels like she is still sneeking around, when there is no reason to. and my main concern is my kids, I don't trust the guy, and I do semi fear for them in a way.
 
What difference will it make though if you find out if she's deffo with this guy or not? You want closure? You think it'll make you feel better, but this still won't change the fact that you've split and things will most likely never be the same again.

As to your kids, just do your own bit to take care of them but remember there's only so much you can do. You can't control everything or everyone, some things are beyond your control and sometimes you just have have to let things go.

How old are your kids? Are you ever unhappy in front of your kids or argue with the ex wife? The sooner you move on, the better it will be for your kids. I'm sure your kids wouldn't want to see you sad!
 
kids are 4 and 5. we never fight in front of them, we haven't actually fought since we split up.
I get incredibly sad in front of them when they talk about how her and this guy take them out and stuff, because I am unable to as she has screwed me out of having any spare money.

it would just, in my head, be better if it was all out in the open. like you say, we have split up, its over, so why sneak around with this guy? just be honest and say she is with him and she is happy. but no, I get 'I have no friends, no one cares about me....' so I tell her she has this guy, he is her friend, which I get 'he only talks to me when he wants something......'. then I get offered the chance of a free holiday from my sister, and she is really pushy for me to go with the boys. so I have booked it. she then says she needs the dates so she can go see her brother that week. to then find out from her family she is in fact going abroad with this guy.

its the secrecy, there is no need for it, and it worries me why she feels the need to keep it secret.
 
Your kids are 4 and 5, so still very young and does not fully understand what's going on. I'm sure that as much as they love you and want to cheer daddy up, they would much rather be around fun people.

The sooner you start cheering up and enjoy life, the better things will get for you (and your kids). You won't even care about what your ex is doing and who she's with.

You say she's being secretive - but so what? She can do whatever she wants and act however she likes towards you. She doesn't have to explain to you why she's being secretive. Maybe she just doesn't want to upset you in any way?

Are you even trying to move on? Do you have no friends *at all* that you can meet up with? Not even ones that you haven't kept in touch with for years?

(Sorry if any of the above sounds harsh, just trying to help!)
 
MisChief said:
Your kids are 4 and 5, so still very young and does not fully understand what's going on. I'm sure that as much as they love you and want to cheer daddy up, they would much rather be around fun people.

The sooner you start cheering up and enjoy life, the better things will get for you (and your kids). You won't even care about what your ex is doing and who she's with.

You say she's being secretive - but so what? She can do whatever she wants and act however she likes towards you. She doesn't have to explain to you why she's being secretive. Maybe she just doesn't want to upset you in any way?

Are you even trying to move on? Do you have no friends *at all* that you can meet up with? Not even ones that you haven't kept in touch with for years?

(Sorry if any of the above sounds harsh, just trying to help!)
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nope, no friends as we moved away from everyone I know to be close to her friends and family, and I don't want to move because that would mean not seeing my kids every day.

no, I agree there is no need for her to have to tell me, but there is also no reason to outright lie.

I seriously do not earn enough money to live, let alone take them out to do fun things, whereas she is raking it in, as all single mums do, and he isn't short of money either.

moving on is hard, as nothing ever changed for me, whereas she found someone else so obviously had nothing to get over.
 
be selfish for a bit man :) give more to your self and enjoy you life :) she does so why should you sit here all depressed and say how bad it.. give the "f' word to the problems and move on i know its hard but you need to kick your self in the arse
 
grudas said:
be selfish for a bit man :) give more to your self and enjoy you life :) she does so why should you sit here all depressed and say how bad it.. give the "f' word to the problems and move on i know its hard but you need to kick your self in the arse
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is hard though when the only people I know outside work in a 60 mile radius is her or her family.

im not very confident meeting new people, im fine once all the introductions are done.

I do want to move on, get happy and then everything will fall into place. if it wasn't for the kids I would be long gone, but they are keeping me here.
 
Do you have any family or relatives that live nearby?

Well you don't always have to spend (much) money in order for your kids to have fun. What do you normally do with them/where do you take them? You could take them to the park, go feed swans with Tesco value bread, buy cheap arts and crafts and make creative things at home etc

Moving on is hard indeed, and having kids makes it that much harder.. I disagree about having "nothing to get over" though. You don't need someone new in your life to help you get over someone (but it does help)

What do you do for a living? Can't you find a better paid job? Are you happy with the person that you are now? (personality, appearance?) Have you thought about signing up to those sites where you meet new friends?

You say "nothing has ever changed" for you, but you do realise that change doesn't just happen by itself? You want change, you make change. Here, read this :p http://www.midlifepassion.com/change-doesnt-just-happen-we-create-it
 
no, I have no one nearby, I have no transport, and there is nothing to do within walking distance that would really be classed as fun.

I fix pcs, on just over minimum wage, in a town that costs a bomb to live in. no other jobs around, as its only a small town :(

I know it seems like im being negative, but honestly, if there was a way to get out and do things I would.

am I happy with who I am? no, not at all. I spent the last 6 years being someone I wasn't to please other people. I wasn't man enough to say 'no, I don't want that its not in my interest it only benefits you', which I will admit, I worshiped her (but didn't show her as I did that typical, don't show emotion as you might not get it in return, thing). I regret the last 6-7 years of my life (other than my kids, I wouldn't change them) and wish I had made better choices. but now im stuck with whats been dealt, which seams to be, single mum has kids half the week, doesn't have to work and can afford days out and holidays abroad, single dad who has kids half the week has to work hard in a full time job with no benefits, help or support in any way. the system sucks.

E :
paradisiac said:
well, I went away for the weekend which was kool. got my hair cut and decided **** it, I don't really care what people think. and is surprising how being confident actually brings a nice reaction from people. starting to feel a bit more emotionally happy within myself, although, without dwelling on the past, I still miss my ex. but I know there is a future, and although it wont be with her, it doesn't have to be on my own.
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I did find that happy place a few weeks back, but I fell back into the rut again when she started being all nice to me again.
 
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I know you said you don't want to move away from your kids, but have you thought about leaving your kids with your ex during the weekdays just temporarily whilst you sort your own life out?

It may not be nice for you in the short term, but once you have found yourself a better job, meeting new friends and earning more money then you'll be happier in the long term.

paradisiac said:
I did find that happy place a few weeks back, but I fell back into the rut again when she started being all nice to me again.
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It's amazing how confidence can change you and the way you view life :p You just need to find that confidence and happy place again! Start by avoiding unnecessary communication with your ex. You don't need to know how she's doing, what she's thinking, how she's feeling. Focus on yourself, let her take care of the kids for a little while. As grudas said, be selfish for a bit.. Take some risks! :D
 
well, things have gone from bad to worse with the ex, so I am in the phase of being civil but not going to go out of my way anymore.
so, time to move on and use my new found, semi confidence, to good effect. I know people throw going to the gym around all the time, but I don't have one local, and the closest one is like £40 a month. so what are other suggestions for hobbies and ways to meet new people, not necessarily women, just new people to get my social life back.
 
Pate said:
Thought about taking a knife to the woman?

Not serious.




Maybe serious.




Not. ;)
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nah, the kids would miss her. her new guy on the other hand
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paradisiac said:
well, things have gone from bad to worse with the ex, so I am in the phase of being civil but not going to go out of my way anymore.
so, time to move on and use my new found, semi confidence, to good effect. I know people throw going to the gym around all the time, but I don't have one local, and the closest one is like £40 a month. so what are other suggestions for hobbies and ways to meet new people, not necessarily women, just new people to get my social life back.
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You'll get the usual nonsense trotted out here. "Join an evening class, club, bla bla".

And I guess it's true. But, find something that you have an interest in. I go to booze tastings because I love booze and tasting new ones. They also have the added benefit of people going to the pub afterwards. I haven't made any 'friends' (I know some people to say hello to and stuff but not out that) from it but that's only because I haven't bothered.

If you're confident, then you're 9/10 of the way there. Just get out and start chatting to people. Why don't you put up a thread in GD organising a meet in your city? I organised one the other year and it's a piece of cake to do. You'll meet likeminded folk, have a few drinks and hopefully have a laugh. People will turn up.
 
Ahleckz said:
You'll get the usual nonsense trotted out here. "Join an evening class, club, bla bla".

And I guess it's true. But, find something that you have an interest in. I go to booze tastings because I love booze and tasting new ones. They also have the added benefit of people going to the pub afterwards. I haven't made any 'friends' (I know some people to say hello to and stuff but not out that) from it but that's only because I haven't bothered.

If you're confident, then you're 9/10 of the way there. Just get out and start chatting to people. Why don't you put up a thread in GD organising a meet in your city? I organised one the other year and it's a piece of cake to do. You'll meet likeminded folk, have a few drinks and hopefully have a laugh. People will turn up.
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Completely off topic, but have you noticed the lagers tasting really bad recently? Maybe I'm just in a funk, but with the exception of Heineken, I've found drinks like Stella, Carlsberg Export etc all taste quite foul.

Yes I know I should drink better, but I'm happy with Guinness, and I don't know any good drinks that don't cost a sodding fortune to buy. :p
 
Ahleckz said:
If you're confident, then you're 9/10 of the way there. Just get out and start chatting to people. Why don't you put up a thread in GD organising a meet in your city? I organised one the other year and it's a piece of cake to do. You'll meet likeminded folk, have a few drinks and hopefully have a laugh. People will turn up.
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hmmm.........a local meet you say, something like paintballing and that, or are they normally something more social like a trip to a pub or 2?

I wouldn't say I was confident to walk up to any old person in the street, but when someone comes into the shop or something I am more than happy to hold a conversation with them. I guess if the situation is presented to talk I will, but I wont initiate something with a stranger without feeling like they want it to happen.
 
paradisiac said:
hmmm.........a local meet you say, something like paintballing and that, or are they normally something more social like a trip to a pub or 2?

I wouldn't say I was confident to walk up to any old person in the street, but when someone comes into the shop or something I am more than happy to hold a conversation with them. I guess if the situation is presented to talk I will, but I wont initiate something with a stranger without feeling like they want it to happen.
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The ones I've seen have been pub, dinner, club. Glasgow was just pub + club. Khan has organised a go-karting meet in Aberdeen for tonight (or yesterday now). So they can really be anything. As long as there are members nearby (and there probably will be!) then I'm sure a few people will turn up. The best tip is to pick a date, and stick to it. No point discussing the best time, as there'll always be people that cant make it.
Oh, I don't expect anyone to start a conversation on the street (you'll likely look like a weirdo). But if you can hold a conversation in a social setting then you're onto a winner.
Do I remember right that you said you don't drink?

Pate said:
Completely off topic, but have you noticed the lagers tasting really bad recently? Maybe I'm just in a funk, but with the exception of Heineken, I've found drinks like Stella, Carlsberg Export etc all taste quite foul.

Yes I know I should drink better, but I'm happy with Guinness, and I don't know any good drinks that don't cost a sodding fortune to buy. :p
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Well, everyone is reducing their alcohol content because of taxation. However, I doubt anyone is changing their recipe much. Get into La Cuisine, there's a 4 page thread called 'Good Beer' or something like that. Have a read, and get involved in new beers. Or, save yourself the bother and go and buy anything and everything by Sierra Nevada. You'll find two of their beers in Tesco.
 
Ahleckz said:
The ones I've seen have been pub, dinner, club. Glasgow was just pub + club. Khan has organised a go-karting meet in Aberdeen for tonight (or yesterday now). So they can really be anything. As long as there are members nearby (and there probably will be!) then I'm sure a few people will turn up. The best tip is to pick a date, and stick to it. No point discussing the best time, as there'll always be people that cant make it.
Oh, I don't expect anyone to start a conversation on the street (you'll likely look like a weirdo). But if you can hold a conversation in a social setting then you're onto a winner.
Do I remember right that you said you don't drink?
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yeh, don't drink, but not because im an alcoholic or anything, so im good to go to pubs :p
yeh put me in front of some people and I will happily talk to them, even if its something im not too interested in, I am polite enough to hold conversation or try and turn it to something mutually interesting.
 
A2Z said:
So I have a really big decision to make...

Next month will be 4 years since I met a beautiful woman, who lives on the other side of the world (Brazil)... during this time we have been seeing each other every ~6 months or so for 1-8 weeks (due to work, money etc). It can only be me who moves there. She has now got to the point where she can't carry on like this, and wants to cut off ALL contact until we can actually be together properly, as 4 years has passed and its just been plan after plan with no end game. I wasn't ready to move for good during this time. So now I gotta decide whether to have a nice secure life here in the UK with a job etc, or make the move over there for good to be with her!
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Well further to this post, I made the decision but it was too late - she didnt believe it could be possible for us to be together, and has decided to see how things go with someone else - who can be there for her when she needs someone, as I couldn't.

Now I know all the usual 'man up' posts are right, but Im finding it very hard to get over it. I thought sleeping with another girl would help, but well it doesnt seem to have, I can't stop thinking about her, and all the things we were planning to do together but never did, and now she will do it with someone else :(

Is it really possible to meet another girl and feel even more, but off course different, love for and forget about this one...? Right now it doesn't feel like it's gonna be possible..
 
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