The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

You are in a toxic and most likely co-dependant relationship and are somehow expecting things to change when no effort or thought is going in to making material changes. If you keep doing the same things then the same outcomes will happen.

Is she still refusing marriage counselling?

This sounds like a terrible way to live your life and you have two choices : (1) continue with this 'relationship' where she belittles you, moans at you, threatens you and generally acts like someone who actively dislikes you, or (2) get on with your life which might not include her in it.

I think you should do (2).
 
Vidar said:
Hi guys, this mug is in need of a few hugs again tonight.... women are so ****** up, well at least my ex woman is ****** up!
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To me it sounds like she just wants you around to help with the kids and thats it and is telling you things you want to hear. Anyone else agree with me?

Tell her your not interested in making it work and leave it at that.
 
[FnG]magnolia;22549583 said:
You are in a toxic and most likely co-dependant relationship and are somehow expecting things to change when no effort or thought is going in to making material changes. If you keep doing the same things then the same outcomes will happen.

Is she still refusing marriage counselling?

This sounds like a terrible way to live your life and you have two choices : (1) continue with this 'relationship' where she belittles you, moans at you, threatens you and generally acts like someone who actively dislikes you, or (2) get on with your life which might not include her in it.

I think you should do (2).
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Yes I agree the situation is toxic and I am becoming more and more aware of this co-dependency at the moment, with all the restrictions or as she puts them "Suggestions" as to how and what I need to do to make her life at university easy etc etc....

I personally feel that I am doing a lot to change things, I am making positive steps to get myself sorted out, finally getting a flat sorted, getting debt management, counselling, medication sorted etc etc but I still somehow feel trapped, I cant cut ties because of the children and wouldn't want too but she is being completely unreasonable in regards to her expectations...

The sad truth is up until last night I actually believed we still had a future together, but making that comment...."We probably will get back together but we will never be happy" put an end to that notion, I can honestly say now that I just wouldn't trust her enough to resume a relationship, as that to me means she would be jump at the chance should she get her head turned by some other bloke and I refuse to live my life under the shadow of doubts like that....

I do want to help her succeed at university but only because it will benefit the children, but I will only do it for as long as it doesn't interfere with my plans, she cant keep her cake and eat it too and well if she doesn't want me any more then that's just tough on her!


And yes the cow still refuses to go to counselling with me; not that I have repeatedly asked her.
 
Mat said:
Sounds like she was playing you and keeping you on the back burner whilst setting things up with this other guy. Sorry bud, that sucks :(
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this is what my ex wife did. kept our 'relationship' going just about until she had sorted everything out with her new guy and could just move straight on :p

on the plus side, she seems to of found out he didn't really care about her and will quite happily play away and treat her like ****. I know this isn't nice, but it does make me feel a bit warm and fuzzy inside knowing her 'perfect' life ended up pretty bad.
 
paradisiac said:
this is what my ex wife did. kept our 'relationship' going just about until she had sorted everything out with her new guy and could just move straight on :p

on the plus side, she seems to of found out he didn't really care about her and will quite happily play away and treat her like ****. I know this isn't nice, but it does make me feel a bit warm and fuzzy inside knowing her 'perfect' life ended up pretty bad.
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This is commonly known as "monkey-branching". Women do this when they're unhappy in a relationship. They simply keep their current bloke around while they search for a replacement, when they find the replacement the transition will almost be seemless. This way they don't ever have to be on their own.

This is why it's best to just ditch a woman if you suspect she's losing interest and doesn't care about a relationship. There's no point fighting and trying to make things work unless she's commited to doing the same thing.
 
Roar87 said:
This is commonly known as "monkey-branching". Women do this when they're unhappy in a relationship. They simply keep their current bloke around while they search for a replacement, when they find the replacement the transition will almost be seemless. This way they don't ever have to be on their own.

This is why it's best to just ditch a woman if you suspect she's losing interest and doesn't care about a relationship. There's no point fighting and trying to make things work unless she's commited to doing the same thing.
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yeh, is different when you have kids though.
 
paradisiac said:
on the plus side, she seems to of found out he didn't really care about her and will quite happily play away and treat her like ****. I know this isn't nice, but it does make me feel a bit warm and fuzzy inside knowing her 'perfect' life ended up pretty bad.
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My ex-fiance messed me around in a similar fashion, but I now take lollage in the fact she (27) is in a relationship with a (just recently divorced) 40 year old who has 2 kids, whilst I have ended up with the most amazing woman who is the same age as me. :p
 
krooton said:
My ex-fiance messed me around in a similar fashion, but I now take lollage in the fact she (27) is in a relationship with a (just recently divorced) 40 year old who has 2 kids, whilst I have ended up with the most amazing woman who is the same age as me. :p
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haha my ex is 23 in a relationship with a 40 something year old too :p

must admit, although I wouldn't ever wish anything bad on her, it is nice to know that she tore our family apart for a cheating scumbag that will do nothing but make her unhappy.
 
Vidar said:
...

Now I know many of you might be thinking stuff her university degree etc, but I want my kids to have nice things and while she is able to provide it for them by being a student nurse then that is for the best, I can wait to go to university for another year or two....

But I can't shake the feeling that if or when she graduates she is going to try and bugger off when she has no further need for me and try and take my kids! Even if by some twist of fate we did get back together, I'd now only be constantly guessing that she had an ulterior motive

....
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Have you considered that some of this might be to do with her university/student nurse stuff? Maybe she's hanging around with a load of other student nurses who are free and single, don't have kids, only have to worry about being a student etc. or maybe she's not coping with the workload very well when combined with having a family to deal with.

If you haven't asked her about this sort of thing directly she might not tell you because she's embarrassed about it. Some people cope worse with being a student because it involves learning a lot of new things rather than doing the same things every day like when you have a job. There is a perception that being a student is easy, but it's not necessarily true.

It could be that she's taking these things out on you just because you're there, and she can. On the other hand, she could just be a complete ***** :)
 
I need towrite a post in here when im home, things arent good at home,havent got time now

reading the thread..least im not alone
 
Hugs needed. My 7.5 year relationship has gone down the pan. If I'm honest it's not been the best for ages and we've both finally agreed we need to call it a day. It's just mess and I don't know where it all went wrong, the prospect of being on my own is quite daunting as I never thought I would be in this situation.

Like others have mentioned in here I also seem to have lost most of my friends and I don't know where they went. I've moved a fair distance to be in this relationship and now I'm going cap in hand back home.

I should be grateful that both my ex and I are still on really good terms at the moment and my parents have been fantastic in offering me a bed until I get sorted. I'm fortunate enough to have always had a '**** *** fund' so it's not as if I'm starting all over from scratch but it's still scary.
 
Mr.Yellow said:
Hugs needed. My 7.5 year relationship has gone down the pan. If I'm honest it's not been the best for ages and we've both finally agreed we need to call it a day. It's just mess and I don't know where it all went wrong, the prospect of being on my own is quite daunting as I never thought I would be in this situation.

Like others have mentioned in here I also seem to have lost most of my friends and I don't know where they went. I've moved a fair distance to be in this relationship and now I'm going cap in hand back home.

I should be grateful that both my ex and I are still on really good terms at the moment and my parents have been fantastic in offering me a bed until I get sorted. I'm fortunate enough to have always had a '**** *** fund' so it's not as if I'm starting all over from scratch but it's still scary.
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Don't feel sorry for yourself and focus on the positives. You're free to do whatever you want now. You need to cut contact with your ex, the reason being is that you're going to feel like crap when she starts seeing new guys - and this will happen, probably sooner than you'd like.

You should always maintain your friendships while you're in a relationship for this exact reason, now you're going to have to rebuild them or find a new friends.

Look at this as a fresh start and an opportunity for self improvement. Hit the gym, buy some new clothes, get a new hair cut, take up new hobbies and get out and about. Don't sit and dwell on this relationship it's in the past now.
 
Oh dear, didn't expect to be posting here. (It's usually my stone cold self doing the breakup) but....
I had the "Dear John" phone call last night. :(
We were meant to be going away for the weekend today. I worked late on Friday to make sure I had the weekend free. She even text me when I said I had. "You worked late without pay for me! oh you're something special Mr *******"
Three hours later she's phoning me, telling me I'm the best boyfriend she's ever had, so loving, caring, thoughtful, special, helpful, great around her kids, her kids loved me and a load of other things more personal that I don't really need to explain.
That's not good enough though.. Oh no.. She told me her ex text her this week declaring his undying love for her and "he'd changed" etc etc etc and wants to get back together. and she's fallen for it all, hook line and sinker.
:(
She says she can't get him out of her head, and has been thinking about him all week and it's not fair on us, so despite me being the best thing that's ever happened to her and the fact she's probably making the biggest mistake of her life (her words exactly by the way) she is going back to him because "she still loves him"...
This isn't the ex that is the kids father by the way, they split up over three years ago, this is just some random dude who she was with approx 11 months who lives in a different county that she met on a dating site.

Words actually fail me to the point I just don't even begin to understand why.
Why even text him back
Why after so long apart from him
Why when our relationship was absolutely on track and perfect in every way
Why when she kept me from her kids in the beginning until she was sure I was the one for the kids sake.
Why only after I did start getting involved in more family orientated stuff and the kids turn out to actually love having me around.
Andy Smartypants died tonight. (That's what her kids called me because I fixed everything)
Just ****ing why. :(
 
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regulus said:
Another Blah date last night. How unbelievably hard it is finding someone to connect with. Someone who you can talk to about ideas, life, where we both lay it on the line and talk about who we really are in a fun, intelligent and grown up way. Where sex isn't the order of the night.

/mini rant over
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I can give you that if you buy me dinner :p
 
I keep contemplating getting back on the dating wagon, there's one thing stopping me at the moment.

I've got pre cancerous cells, which are requiring treatment, and mean that certain things are off the menu at the moment, and will be for quite some time (due to treatment) would that bother you blokes if you knew that wasn't going to be happening for a couple of months?

It's kind of making me feel not very attractive, so i'm not putting myself back out there, because of that.
 
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