The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[413x]

Absolutely no reason not to pursue this

Your concerns are valid. How long were you with your ex? (if it's 10 months 10 days isn't too bad, if it's 10 years...)
If she asks tell the new girl the honest answer even if it scares he off (no point lying!).
It may well put her off. But that said I wouldn't volunteer up the info!

Had a potential stumbling point with my gf when she found out I was engaged to my ex. I never told her, but nor had she asked. One of reasons it didn't end there was that she told me that when she confronted me because I showed no emotion towards it that she was happy I'd moved on.

So I'd say if she does ask tell the truth but show (without saying it) that you are over it.

This is no bad thing whatever, as it is showing you that there is better out there! Especially if she messaged you first! You lucky dog!

 

[ChrisD.]

I'm sorry but you don't just get over someone because they finished with you, if you get with someone too soon it may backfire.

By all means go and meet her though, it's just a Tinder date and not a wedding.

 

[Skillmister]

What i neglected to mention from my original post about the breakup was that I've been thinking for the last month or so that I was going to have to end it if things didn't improve, so whilst I was still devastated for it to actually end, it was potentially on the cards anyway.

There is no prospect of us getting back together even if she wanted to. So I will continue

Especially if she messaged you first! You lucky dog!

It's all in the profile picture, makes me at least an 8

 

[Roar87]

I'm sorry but you don't just get over someone because they finished with you, if you get with someone too soon it may backfire.

By all means go and meet her though, it's just a Tinder date and not a wedding.

Is that something you've actually experienced? I always found moving on and getting with new girls to be better than moping around, nothing like seeing your ex a few months later while you're with your new girlfriend as well.

 

[ChrisD.]

Is that something you've actually experienced?

Is what something I've experienced? Getting over someone?

It took me about 2 years to get over my ex when she moved out. I still had fun in that time but it doesn't magically stop you not being over someone. Everyone is different.

 

[413x]

Didn't take me long (relatively) to get over my ex but it was pretty horrible dealing with it. (was worst one ever felt in my life I should add)

Like said, everyone is different and if there's no chance of getting back together why not date. It's probably important to make sure you aren't trying to replace however

 

[Nate75]

nvm

 

[Junglist]

I've hopped back on the dating train after being single for several months and after being in a 4 year relationship I've gone rusty!

Met a girl on plenty of fish 3 times.

First time went really well had a lot of fun but she had to leave early cause her housemate wanted to order a take away.

Second time went really well, chilled out in a nice country pub for a few hours having a few drinks - laughs and ended up having a few kisses.

Third time again went really well but her housemate was there this time but again, her housemate being hungry meant she had to leave. But it still went well, she was very huggy hand on knee etc etc.

So as far as I can tell she is relatively keen but I could be well off the mark! However today she said she isn't looking for anything serious and just looking to keep it casual. Normally those words would be magic to my ears but for some reason from her I'm not sure how to take it. Obviously I wasn't looking to settle down with her right away and it has only been 3 dates (really 2 if I don't count the dynamic of the last one) but if someone who you saw potential in said "I've really enjoyed hanging out, to be completely honest I don't know if I want something serious right now but if you're happy to keep it casual thats good with me" how would you take it?

 

[ChrisD.]

Just see how it goes?

Her housemate needs to eat less! Seriously though, bombing out on a first date due to housemate wanting a takeaway is lame.

 

[413x]

I would ditch and move on, but I'm not interested in no strings attached.

 

[Junglist]

Just see how it goes? What kind of sane logic is that I want to overthink it 1000 times! It's odd as usually I'm really chilled out about these things and never rush into anything yet she's got into my head.

Yeah, I was quite annoyed but we did hang out for a good few hours so it wasn't like she ran away within minutes.

Though to be honest the longer this drags on the better as it stops me thinking about someone else - which is a whole other kettle of fish! I have a good friend who I've known for about 10 years but since being single we've got a lot closer. We've never hung out just the pair of us but thats cause we are part of a big collective of friends but recently i've noticed a lot of little things. We went to Amsterdam a few months ago and every photo is practically us together or she'd always stay up with me after everyone else has gone to sleep, nearly always sit next to each other, we get told we bicker like an old married couple, if a group of us are going outside to have a ciggerate regardless if others are doing it she will ask if i'm going to have one and the one that always confuses me is the eye contact we hold.

If she wasn't a good friend and if I didn't value the friendship we have I would've just asked her out ages ago but no idea if again (theres a theme here) it's me over thinking it or if there is more to it.

 

[colzboppo]

So as far as I can tell she is relatively keen but I could be well off the mark! However today she said she isn't looking for anything serious and just looking to keep it casual. Normally those words would be magic to my ears but for some reason from her I'm not sure how to take it. Obviously I wasn't looking to settle down with her right away and it has only been 3 dates (really 2 if I don't count the dynamic of the last one) but if someone who you saw potential in said "I've really enjoyed hanging out, to be completely honest I don't know if I want something serious right now but if you're happy to keep it casual thats good with me" how would you take it?

Sounds like she's only mildly interested in a relationship right now, and by being honest about that is wanting to gauge how you react to that fact. I'd be cautious as if you are very interested in pursuing a relationship with her already, she may get scared off easily. You'd have to be careful to mirror your own interest levels with hers if you wanted to play along. Any other indication beyond what she is saying, is she keeping in touch regularly and pursuing more meetups or is she maintaining some distance in that regard, letting you do the chasing? I'd cool it off for a little and be on the look out for other options, she may become more interested when you don't appear so available, then again she might not. For me making excuses like that to leave a date early, is a huge signal that she is totally uninvested in the experience and is looking to make that as obvious as possible to the other party, It screams "I can take it or leave it - anytime".

You are definitely over-thinking things, you need to pursue a relationship with someone who is interested in you, stop using these existing girls to try to solve that issue. Get out and meet other women & work on yourself more. With online dating and the amount of options we all have its so much easier these days, you really shouldn't be spending your emotional and financial energy on someone unless you are absolutely sure they are definitely interested in you.

 

[Junglist]

Sounds like she's only mildly interested in a relationship right now, and by being honest about that is wanting to gauge how you react to that fact. I'd be cautious as if you are very interested in pursuing a relationship with her already, she may get scared off easily. You'd have to be careful to mirror your own interest levels with hers if you wanted to play along. Any other indication beyond what she is saying, is she keeping in touch regularly and pursuing more meetups or is she maintaining some distance in that regard, letting you do the chasing? I'd cool it off for a little and be on the look out for other options, she may become more interested when you don't appear so available, then again she might not. For me making excuses like that to leave a date early, is a huge signal that she is totally uninvested in the experience and is looking to make that as obvious as possible to the other party, It screams "I can take it or leave it - anytime".

You are definitely over-thinking things, you need to pursue a relationship with someone who is interested in you, stop using these existing girls to try to solve that issue. Get out and meet other women & work on yourself more. With online dating and the amount of options we all have its so much easier these days, you really shouldn't be spending your emotional and financial energy on someone unless you are absolutely sure they are definitely interested in you.

Each time we've met up has been her suggesting it however I did ask if she wants to meet up this weekend and she said Sunday so I guess it's 3-1 in that regard. But I think that's some pretty sound advice. I'll leave it for a few days and see what happens.

I'm just a thinker and often overthink scenarios in my mind that are rarely likely to ever happen. I have been on dates with a few other people in the time being so it isn't like i've layed all my eggs in one basket but she is the one I've enjoyed spending time with the most. I am still very much of the opinion of if anything happens it happens and if it doesn't, it doesn't. Seems like it's time to cool it off!

 

[Roar87]

I would just ignore what she said and carry on behaving as you were or make a joke about it by saying "I'll not bring the engagement ring on our next date then".

 

[Surfer]

Though to be honest the longer this drags on the better as it stops me thinking about someone else - which is a whole other kettle of fish! I have a good friend who I've known for about 10 years but since being single we've got a lot closer. We've never hung out just the pair of us but thats cause we are part of a big collective of friends but recently i've noticed a lot of little things. We went to Amsterdam a few months ago and every photo is practically us together or she'd always stay up with me after everyone else has gone to sleep, nearly always sit next to each other, we get told we bicker like an old married couple, if a group of us are going outside to have a ciggerate regardless if others are doing it she will ask if i'm going to have one and the one that always confuses me is the eye contact we hold.

If she wasn't a good friend and if I didn't value the friendship we have I would've just asked her out ages ago but no idea if again (theres a theme here) it's me over thinking it or if there is more to it.

hrmmm she is definitely interested in you more than friends imho. Have you told this friend about your possible FWB situation? Ive been in this situation and mutual friends basically said "finally you got together" unfortunately it didnt last and it scuppered the friendship. So if you are going to make a move be aware of the possible bridges that will burn to the ground if it goes sour...ie her friendship and friendship and dynamic of group etc.

i'd stay close friends if i were you. But she might actually go cold on you (not as close friend wise) if she realizes you are seeing other woman

 

[Junglist]

I would just ignore what she said and carry on behaving as you were or make a joke about it by saying "I'll not bring the engagement ring on our next date then".

Haha that's nearly what I said word for word. I said "you're not looking for anything serious? Damn. I better cancel those wedding plans". But other than that I'll cool it down a bit. I'm in no rush for another serious relationship but she's just a good laugh to be around.

hrmmm she is definitely interested in you more than friends imho. Have you told this friend about your possible FWB situation? Ive been in this situation and mutual friends basically said "finally you got together" unfortunately it didnt last and it scuppered the friendship. So if you are going to make a move be aware of the possible bridges that will burn to the ground if it goes sour...ie her friendship and friendship and dynamic of group etc.

i'd stay close friends if i were you. But she might actually go cold on you (not as close friend wise) if she realizes you are seeing other woman

Exactly I feel there could well be something there but I value her friendship and also the group friendship dynamic too much to ruin it. But the more I think (note to self. Stop bloody thinking) about it the more obvious it is and I wouieht be surprised if she thought I was acting in a way to her also. It's a shame though as it's not often your best friend is your best partner. Apart from my friends (in the same group) they're literally best mates and married. It's both parts disgusting yet amazing lol.

Damn, came for info about watercoolinng end up getting life lesson and life lesson. I love this place

 

[manic111]

Damn, came for info about watercoolinng end up getting life lesson and life lesson. I love this place

Watercooling is so much more simple!

 

[malachi]

Why have I got this feeling this so called "housemate" is probably an ex partner or someone they have had sexual relations with in the past.

 

[TheMeekon]

Haha that's nearly what I said word for word. I said "you're not looking for anything serious? Damn. I better cancel those wedding plans". But other than that I'll cool it down a bit. I'm in no rush for another serious relationship but she's just a good laugh to be around.



Exactly I feel there could well be something there but I value her friendship and also the group friendship dynamic too much to ruin it. But the more I think (note to self. Stop bloody thinking) about it the more obvious it is and I wouieht be surprised if she thought I was acting in a way to her also. It's a shame though as it's not often your best friend is your best partner. Apart from my friends (in the same group) they're literally best mates and married. It's both parts disgusting yet amazing lol.

Damn, came for info about watercoolinng end up getting life lesson and life lesson. I love this place

I went into a FWB situation with a very close friend. Had an amazing time (especially the benefits) but in the end I lost my best friend while also developing very intense feelings. If I was to do it again I'd keep it at friends, it's crazy because I was always the one telling her I didn't want a relationship but I realised a bit too late.

 

[ci_newman]

But being truthfully honest, you were always going to lose her as a best friend sooner or later. Once you found a long-term partner / wife / whatever, your new partner will become your best friend. There's no way you can carry on the relationship as it was with your old friend, it wouldn't be healthy to the relationship with your partner.

Likewise if she found a long-term partner, it is likely that things would cool off between you. You were best friends because of the chemistry.

Sure you would still be friends, but not best friends.