The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[ci_newman]

You dont mention how long you've been together, but the signs are definitely there that it is over.

For sure you never take a 1-week no contact break from somehow whom you are supposed to love. That is needlessly cruel and painful, but an easy way for her to justify starting to end the relationship. It's over, start your grieving and healing process.

My money bet is that she's met someone new.

 

[Nitefly]

Just to add 2p to the pot, ‘never really arguing’ perhaps infers that the relationship is a bit like an two icebergs in the sea. You live in the happy bubble (what you can see above water - which is where everyone wants to be) and then as soon as any hint of doubt, sadness or anger comes into play it then it’s read as meaning it’s game over.

You talk about getting a place together. It’s a big and scary thing. Even in a healthy relationship, it’s scary!! You can want to move in with someone whilst part of you is screaming “wtf am I doing!!!” - perfectly possible to think conflicting things at the same time. Emotions are ridiculously fickle and for any sane person it’s the part of you that isn’t being expressed that is going to be emotionally kicking off during ‘scary times’.

Give her space and see if she wants to talk about it later. Then actually talk about it. Allow her to express her emotions (the hard bit - for her and you) listen, be upset. Sit on it yourself. Be dynamic.

Ultimately it’s a choice for her and you. That’s all it boils down to. It she feels emotionally compelled to end the situation, and doesn’t want to try and resolve it, then meh - no loss for you.

Edit - Just to carry on my goofy iceberg analogy, if in a relationship you can actually see the whole iceberg - even the bits that are contrary to your relationship and all the ugly weirdness that enters a person’s mind - and make a choice to give it a punt accepting those things, then you’re probably more grounded than a relationship which is ultra-passionate but only based on the tip of the iceberg.

Just my ramblings of course.

 

[swillsy]

Get down to the gy...... do some pressups in your kitchen.

Shes obviosuly not being honest with you about her current feelings - definitely do not buy a house with her anytime soon and give her some space however prepare for it to end and try to be cool!

 

[fastwunz]

To be fair, you should probably just tell her that if she wants a week away from you and doesn’t want any communication then frankly she clearly isn’t into you and for that reason you will be walking away. Wish her the best and genuinely move on with your life.

she will come running back with her tail between her legs and you can assess how you wish to proceed from there but call her bluff big time right now. Don’t be mugged off.

 

[Nyvo]

Thanks all!

It's over either way to be honest. Even if she turns around in a week and says it's all good and she just needed some time, you'll always be questioning why and if she's going to have another similar episode.

You dont mention how long you've been together, but the signs are definitely there that it is over.

For sure you never take a 1-week no contact break from somehow whom you are supposed to love. That is needlessly cruel and painful, but an easy way for her to justify starting to end the relationship. It's over, start your grieving and healing process.

My money bet is that she's met someone new.

It's coming up to a year. By all means still a fairly young relationship, but I always felt we were on the same page - apparently not!

I'm looking at it from the point of view that the relationship is over at the moment.

Just to add 2p to the pot, ‘never really arguing’ perhaps infers that the relationship is a bit like an two icebergs in the sea. You live in the happy bubble (what you can see above water - which is where everyone wants to be) and then as soon as any hint of doubt, sadness or anger comes into play it then it’s read as meaning it’s game over.

You talk about getting a place together. It’s a big and scary thing. Even in a healthy relationship, it’s scary!! You can want to move in with someone whilst part of you is screaming “wtf am I doing!!!” - perfectly possible to think conflicting things at the same time. Emotions are ridiculously fickle and for any sane person it’s the part of you that isn’t being expressed that is going to be emotionally kicking off during ‘scary times’.

Give her space and see if she wants to talk about it later. Then actually talk about it. Allow her to express her emotions (the hard bit - for her and you) listen, be upset. Sit on it yourself. Be dynamic.

Ultimately it’s a choice for her and you. That’s all it boils down to. It she feels emotionally compelled to end the situation, and doesn’t want to try and resolve it, then meh - no loss for you.

Edit - Just to carry on my goofy iceberg analogy, if in a relationship you can actually see the whole iceberg - even the bits that are contrary to your relationship and all the ugly weirdness that enters a person’s mind - and make a choice to give it a punt accepting those things, then you’re probably more grounded than a relationship which is ultra-passionate but only based on the tip of the iceberg.

Just my ramblings of course.

Get down to the gy...... do some pressups in your kitchen.

Shes obviosuly not being honest with you about her current feelings - definitely do not buy a house with her anytime soon and give her some space however prepare for it to end and try to be cool!

The thought of moving in together was absolutely big and scary, so can completely appreciate the reservations and emotions that come along with the idea of moving in, we both experienced that and were open about things so I'm hoping that's nothing to do with it.

I'm going to give her what she's asked for, a week without contact and we will see what she has to say after that, but as mentioned above, I think in my head now the relationship is already over.

To be fair, you should probably just tell her that if she wants a week away from you and doesn’t want any communication then frankly she clearly isn’t into you and for that reason you will be walking away. Wish her the best and genuinely move on with your life.

she will come running back with her tail between her legs and you can assess how you wish to proceed from there but call her bluff big time right now. Don’t be mugged off.

So, this is something that has crossed my mind, that maybe she's taken this approach to try and have me be the one to end the relationship - it's something I remember her saying before that she did in a past relationship, basically sabotaged things. But who knows.

 

[LuckyBenski]

Thanks all!



It's coming up to a year. By all means still a fairly young relationship, but I always felt we were on the same page - apparently not!

I'm looking at it from the point of view that the relationship is over at the moment.





The thought of moving in together was absolutely big and scary, so can completely appreciate the reservations and emotions that come along with the idea of moving in, we both experienced that and were open about things so I'm hoping that's nothing to do with it.

I'm going to give her what she's asked for, a week without contact and we will see what she has to say after that, but as mentioned above, I think in my head now the relationship is already over.


So, this is something that has crossed my mind, that maybe she's taken this approach to try and have me be the one to end the relationship - it's something I remember her saying before that she did in a past relationship, basically sabotaged things. But who knows.

Even if that is what she's doing, I wouldn't play the game. If she wants out she can go, if she wants to stay then... She can come back and see how you feel after this scenario. But make it clear you're acting based on how you feel, put that on the table, and tell her you expect her to put her cards on the table too.

 

[wire-screw]

I could do with a little advice, although I think I already know what the right thing to do is...

TLDR. Girlfriend is long distance, she cuts time short together despite how hard I try, I feel I'm far down on her priorities and it hurts.

I met the girlfriend about a year ago (exchanged numbers) but due to work and business in life I didn't get to messaging her a few months later. It didn't matter, she understood and we really hit it off - hand on heart she is the most interesting and impressive person I've met and I'm totally in love, we work on so many levels. But! She's portuguese and having lived in London for 4 years had already put the wheels in motion to move back to her family in Lisbon before we hit things off. She doesn't talk about emotions very much so skirted the talk about what would happen to us and she just assured me it would be fine, I was more than happen to do long distance with her.

So a couple of months go past (I can work anywhere, I work from home) seeing her for a week every 2-3 weeks. She is in London once a month so it's working okay. Then christmas happens and things start to go a bit strange such as not talking to be at all on christmas day and extremely little over the holidays. We don't really text or communicate too much when apart, she's also very close to her family and her Grandma had just died so I assume it wasn't too crazy to think she was just having some close time with the family. Due to christmas time, by the time the new year came round it had been 6 weeks since we'd seen each other and so I was planning to see her for 9 days. She seemed super keen and said she wanted to pay for the flights as I had paid for them for months. She ended up just booking a 48 hour trip!!? I talked to her and she said she was concerned over me comprising my work. The next few months followed with these strange things every now and again suggesting I was fairly far down her priority list while I was making a lot of effort to see her. I asked her straight whether she wanted to do the relationship (this was just after christmas) and she said she wanted to.

My birthday at the beginning of March was celebrated with an amazing trip to go whale watching, all paid for and planned by her, it was amazing! The weekend turned a little sour as she needed to work a lot. I was a little upset by this because it was my birthday and I ended up just sitting around in hotel lobbies so she could use the internet. Usually this wouldn't have bothered me as we're two successful professionals and duty calls sometimes. It did upset me because she didn't have much interest in me and it brought up all the doubt and negativity I'd been feeling over the past months. I couldn't help but say something and it ended up all coming out and we were broke up for a few hours, we gained some sense and agreed we'd see how it goes - I had to leave for the UK in the morning. Lockdown started in the UK and after a couple of weeks I couldn't take it anymore; I had to get her to tell me how she felt. She said she had been missing me a lot and wanted to give it ago. So she's meant to be coming for two weeks in June (isolation time in the UK) but I've already got vibes that she's cutting it short.

A few weeks ago a girl I dated for a few weeks got back in touch and started being very flirty. I responded and it was very fun but I thought it was just a bit of lockdown fever - nothing serious and I had zero plans to do anything with her. The thing is, just in those couple of days, that ex gave me the attention that my current girlfriend lacks which felt wonderful. Now, although I still have no interest in the ex it has given me insight to what I'm missing and means a lot to me in the current relationship. My plan is to spend some time with my girlfriend and see what happens. I'm not the planning for life sort but I've never felt this way about someone. I've gone through a few big break ups but I really fear I'd regret this one for a long time. In a strange way I already now what the out come is. There will be a person she meets and truly falls in love with, what a lucky man he will be.

 

[Steampunk]

I could do with a little advice, although I think I already know what the right thing to do is...

TLDR. Girlfriend is long distance, she cuts time short together despite how hard I try, I feel I'm far down on her priorities and it hurts.

I met the girlfriend about a year ago (exchanged numbers) but due to work and business in life I didn't get to messaging her a few months later. It didn't matter, she understood and we really hit it off - hand on heart she is the most interesting and impressive person I've met and I'm totally in love, we work on so many levels. But! She's portuguese and having lived in London for 4 years had already put the wheels in motion to move back to her family in Lisbon before we hit things off. She doesn't talk about emotions very much so skirted the talk about what would happen to us and she just assured me it would be fine, I was more than happen to do long distance with her.

So a couple of months go past (I can work anywhere, I work from home) seeing her for a week every 2-3 weeks. She is in London once a month so it's working okay. Then christmas happens and things start to go a bit strange such as not talking to be at all on christmas day and extremely little over the holidays. We don't really text or communicate too much when apart, she's also very close to her family and her Grandma had just died so I assume it wasn't too crazy to think she was just having some close time with the family. Due to christmas time, by the time the new year came round it had been 6 weeks since we'd seen each other and so I was planning to see her for 9 days. She seemed super keen and said she wanted to pay for the flights as I had paid for them for months. She ended up just booking a 48 hour trip!!? I talked to her and she said she was concerned over me comprising my work. The next few months followed with these strange things every now and again suggesting I was fairly far down her priority list while I was making a lot of effort to see her. I asked her straight whether she wanted to do the relationship (this was just after christmas) and she said she wanted to.

My birthday at the beginning of March was celebrated with an amazing trip to go whale watching, all paid for and planned by her, it was amazing! The weekend turned a little sour as she needed to work a lot. I was a little upset by this because it was my birthday and I ended up just sitting around in hotel lobbies so she could use the internet. Usually this wouldn't have bothered me as we're two successful professionals and duty calls sometimes. It did upset me because she didn't have much interest in me and it brought up all the doubt and negativity I'd been feeling over the past months. I couldn't help but say something and it ended up all coming out and we were broke up for a few hours, we gained some sense and agreed we'd see how it goes - I had to leave for the UK in the morning. Lockdown started in the UK and after a couple of weeks I couldn't take it anymore; I had to get her to tell me how she felt. She said she had been missing me a lot and wanted to give it ago. So she's meant to be coming for two weeks in June (isolation time in the UK) but I've already got vibes that she's cutting it short.

A few weeks ago a girl I dated for a few weeks got back in touch and started being very flirty. I responded and it was very fun but I thought it was just a bit of lockdown fever - nothing serious and I had zero plans to do anything with her. The thing is, just in those couple of days, that ex gave me the attention that my current girlfriend lacks which felt wonderful. Now, although I still have no interest in the ex it has given me insight to what I'm missing and means a lot to me in the current relationship. My plan is to spend some time with my girlfriend and see what happens. I'm not the planning for life sort but I've never felt this way about someone. I've gone through a few big break ups but I really fear I'd regret this one for a long time. In a strange way I already now what the out come is. There will be a person she meets and truly falls in love with, what a lucky man he will be.

Portuguese girl is just not that into you. She's got her job, her family, and her home in Lisbon. You're the side piece, and she doesn't want to be the one to break up, so she's making you do it. You're not together, you're not going to be together, and even when you are in the same place, you're not together.

See what happens next time the girlfriend arrives, try and get some kind of plan of how (and why) you are going to be together in the future, but I suspect you already know the way forwards. It's with someone who's there for you physically and emotionally.

 

[arknor]

The thing is, just in those couple of days, that ex gave me the attention that my current girlfriend lacks which felt wonderful. Now, although I still have no interest in the ex it has given me insight to what I'm missing and means a lot to me in the current relationship.

I'm sure your current relationship had this at some point as did every other.
needs 2 people to work towards a relationship for it to continue.

I'd forget the ex, probably forget the woman from portugal, hit the bars when lockdowns over you know its going to be mental.

anyone who starts to suddenly become distance or wants a break.
is considering immediate options they have available to them imo and exploring what this other avenue brings.
then if it doesnt work out ... ah yes the break is over now.

unless you know theres a totally legit reason like relationship was effecting work or studying and some time is needed to get things in their life organised.

 

[ivrytwr3]

You dont mention how long you've been together, but the signs are definitely there that it is over.

For sure you never take a 1-week no contact break from somehow whom you are supposed to love. That is needlessly cruel and painful, but an easy way for her to justify starting to end the relationship. It's over, start your grieving and healing process.

My money bet is that she's met someone new.

Agree with this.

So you've been responsible and observed the lock down rules and this is the result? Wow. Very shady, especially over her birthday. Has she been bored herself and started speaking to other guys? Or meeting up with someone else?

I would 100% question why she does not want to meet up, but you'll probably end up with lies. Have an adult chat, especially concerning the house - ask what she wants to do? Whatever she says i would not be proceeding with the sale as you'll always have doubts about what she was actually up to during the lock down period.

Look at this as a very lucky escape.

 

[ci_newman]

I could do with a little advice, although I think I already know what the right thing to do is...

TLDR. Girlfriend is long distance, she cuts time short together despite how hard I try, I feel I'm far down on her priorities and it hurts.

*snip*

A few weeks ago a girl I dated for a few weeks got back in touch and started being very flirty. I responded and it was very fun but I thought it was just a bit of lockdown fever - nothing serious and I had zero plans to do anything with her. The thing is, just in those couple of days, that ex gave me the attention that my current girlfriend lacks which felt wonderful. Now, although I still have no interest in the ex it has given me insight to what I'm missing and means a lot to me in the current relationship. My plan is to spend some time with my girlfriend and see what happens. I'm not the planning for life sort but I've never felt this way about someone. I've gone through a few big break ups but I really fear I'd regret this one for a long time. In a strange way I already now what the out come is. There will be a person she meets and truly falls in love with, what a lucky man he will be.

LDR can only work if you have an end-date in sight as to when you will actually move to be together. It might be 1 year or 2 years, but you need that plan. Right now, it sounds like you're a pair of sex buddies and little more (even if that's an emotional sex-buddy, as well).

But to be honest, it sounds like she's just not that into you. She's just not on the same page, and her treatment of you over your birthday weekend is a prime example of that. You've been together almost a year now and after 9 weeks apart, in any normal relationship you wouldn't have left the Hotel bedroom except for food and drink.

 

[Nyvo]

Agree with this.

So you've been responsible and observed the lock down rules and this is the result? Wow. Very shady, especially over her birthday. Has she been bored herself and started speaking to other guys? Or meeting up with someone else?

I would 100% question why she does not want to meet up, but you'll probably end up with lies. Have an adult chat, especially concerning the house - ask what she wants to do? Whatever she says i would not be proceeding with the sale as you'll always have doubts about what she was actually up to during the lock down period.

Look at this as a very lucky escape.

I would like to think she wouldn't do something like speak to someone else - We've both been through that before previously and when we first got together we promised each other if either of us ever felt bored or whatever, we would speak to each other first.

I received a birthday card from her parents this morning, do I send them a message to say thank you? Do I leave it given the circumstances? It's really starting to hit me today and I'm an emotional wreck this morning, have taken the rest of the day off work as I can't concentrate.

 

[ivrytwr3]

I would like to think she wouldn't do something like speak to someone else - We've both been through that before previously and when we first got together we promised each other if either of us ever felt bored or whatever, we would speak to each other first.

I received a birthday card from her parents this morning, do I send them a message to say thank you? Do I leave it given the circumstances? It's really starting to hit me today and I'm an emotional wreck this morning, have taken the rest of the day off work as I can't concentrate.

Parents - no reason not to say thank you.

Her - time for an adult chat. She can't just go dark for a week. I'd be asking fair enough she doesn't want to talk about the relationship, but what she wants to do about the house? Also, asking her if she is OK, maybe there is a family issue etc that she is dealing with? Bit of a ***** trick to do this over your birthday though - there'd be hell to pay if you did this to her i bet!

 

[.Lethal]

We've both been through that before previously and when we first got together we promised each other if either of us ever felt bored or whatever, we would speak to each other first.

Just because someone made a promise doesn't mean they will keep to it. You only know someone in a relationship while you're together and things are great, once things sour people can quickly change.

Parents - no reason not to say thank you.

Rude not to say thank you for the card.

 

[413x]

I would like to think she wouldn't do something like speak to someone else - We've both been through that before previously and when we first got together we promised each other if either of us ever felt bored or whatever, we would speak to each other first.

I received a birthday card from her parents this morning, do I send them a message to say thank you? Do I leave it given the circumstances? It's really starting to hit me today and I'm an emotional wreck this morning, have taken the rest of the day off work as I can't concentrate.

To answer the original

If you gf asks for a break to me that's it. I know it's not for everyone, but I wouldn't personally play that gam . Think you'd always doubt things after that. For a long while anyway.

If there's no genuine cause like a family death (some people shut off when this happens, or career opportunity of a lifetime, and its just day to day life there must be issues, doubts, lack of communication or another person creeping in.

Id call it a day, and unless you love the house/location etc I'd call it a day on that too

Id say thanks to the parents just to be polite, especially if you haven't decided yet


Oh, and time off work is no bad thing if its an involved relationship. It's tough on the mind

 

[Ayahuasca]

If you're already at the point of needing to take time off work I think you should just address it now with her. She clearly doesn't take your relationship very seriously so why let it start affecting your personal life?

 

[Nyvo]

She FaceTimed me. All over.

 

[LuckyBenski]

She FaceTimed me. All over.

Hugs mate, that's sad news. But hopefully you'll feel better knowing where you stand and prepared to move forward?

 

[413x]

She FaceTimed me. All over.

At least you don't have to wonder.

Really Sorry to hear this, never easy.

Just be glad you didn't sign a house contract, at least you can still decide if you want it knowing all the facts.

This girl obviously wasn't right. And just shows you even if you think things are great, you never know what's going on in someone else's head

 

[Hades]

She FaceTimed me. All over.

Sorry about that. Bro hug.